My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

Yes, and? That was the OP's response to your other questions with an interrogative tone : "So he has is not allowed? no hobbies or a social life, it's work or home and nothing else?" And then you follow up her answer with : ""No other friends or activities? Who decided that?".

This is not an inquisition. If you don't have any helpful advice for the OP, it's best to move on.

No wonder he's eager to meet an old friend then, that's utterly suffocating. Yabu.

I wouldn't have a problem with this. My DH has lived in many different places and has friends all over the world. It'd be perfectly normal for him to meet a female friend he hasn't seen for 20 years.
I also have male friends. I met one recently I hadn't seen since 2003. We'd always kept in touch and I don't know if I'd ever mentioned him to DH.
So I think it's fine. However, you seem to be very suspicious. Is there a reason for this?

Friendships can be truly platonic, I completely agree. But not all of them are (obviously).

I consider a friendship to be truly platonic if neither of the people involved would be interested in a romantic / sexual encounter even if the opportunity presented itself.

Or in other words:

If two friends were alone with each other, in a somewhat emotional state of mind and drunk. Weither of them make a move?
Would they make a move if they believed that the other person would respond positively?
And if they were sure that any spouses / partners would never find out?

It isn’t a platonic friendship if the answer is yes to any of these questions. And I wouldn’t be surprised if some people were extremely surprised by the responses some of their “platonic” friends would give (if they were being truthful).

that isn’t about whether men consider women to be equal human beings. It simply acknowledges that humans have instincts, urges and sex drives.

I would ask him if he wants a divorce.

If he says no, then I would ask him why he is being so secretive and furtive, why he won't answer questions about her/them, why he is ok about deliberately trying to make me feel insecure in the marriage and why he feels it necessary to continue with this without openness and discussion.

I would also start making my own preparations, getting ducks in a row regarding finances etc.

Sounds drastic but he is acting this way for a reason. A female reason.

Me and my DH do evrything together. Its lovely and not suffocating, I know he is my best friend and im his. I think OP felt the same until this happened.
How does he think he can meet someone from his past , if that is what she is, not say a word about her, cant wait to see her after thier Hoilday which I find very suspicious and then not think he has to explain hisself. He sounds like a total gaslighting bastard.
Dear OP have it out with him. He is so wrong to treat you like this and he knows how upset you are. Im really so mad for you.
I would tell him next time he goes and dosnt explain his self dont bother coming back.

As someone who has been deceived- I would say absolutely trust your gut which is telling you something. The whole thing sounds off. Just remembered her number? Absolute bollocks. He is putting his desire to.meet an old,never before mentioned friend after 20 years ahead of reassuring his wife who is sharing her upset. There is nothing innocent about this. Sorry.

Both me and my husband wouldn't do this, we agree it's beyond boundaries. The not replying to your questions is what is a red flag for me

He drives 50 miles to meet someone he hasn't seen or been in touch with for for 20 years?! very odd. I wouldn't believe him either. If he'd mentioned her and told you they were in touch maybe so but it all seems strange. Is he on Tinder or something....?

Your DH is treating you with zero respect. You have a right to an answer. You are married, and that means you can expect honesty and transparency. In your shoes, I absolutely wouldn't stand for this - tell him he can explain himself or leave.

I agree. Meeting an old mate for lunch - not a problem.

Driving 50 miles to meet up with a woman he’s not seen for 20 years after suddenly remembering her number, reaching out to her and communicating over last few weeks then not answering simple questions about it - hmmm

I think you're being massively tolerant of your DH's dalliances. It sounds like he's given you very good reason to be jealous and insecure. The thing is, if he truly loved you, he shouldn't want to cause you this pain. He should be doing everything to reassure you that there's nothing in these friendships, not enjoying the attention. You're not even sure he's not sleeping with them! Going off to see someone he fancies is just cruel. How many men would be okay with their wives meeting up with a man she clearly fancied? Absolutely zero.

I'd be very curious too.
Op, don't flip out, treat DH respectfully and ask him about how the friend is etc.. and how the visit was. Express interest in that part of the countryside. Suggest he invites the friend over for afternoon tea to meet DC and you.

Next time (if there is one) he goes to meet friend, make a late minute change to your plans to accompany him. Make it clear to new/old friend that your DH is a family man.

See how it all progresses over the next months??
Maybe the old friend has a nice family and you all become friends??
Very curious.

She said this is out of character im assuming he decided that or they would have said he hasn't done this for years

You're probably fragile as you've realised you don't trust your husband after many years of living what sounds like an insular life.

Honestly this wouldn't bother me at all dh is going away for a weekend with one of his female uni friends next weekend, to do a shared interest. I've been with him 20 years and met her a couple times ive always had male friends too so dont mistrust his ability to converse with someone of the other sex without risk to me or our relationship.

So he was very cheerful after meeting her but wouldn't tell you anything about what went on at the meeting. And he won't let you see the messages they have exchanged.

Plus his behaviour seems out of the ordinary and oddly secretive, and you sense something is off.

In your shoes I would definitely insist that he tells me what is actually going on.

From the other perspective (and in answer to the cool wife thing), I've done this. An ex of 20 years ago, who I'd kept in tacit contact via Facebook, was bereaved and we met for coffee as a supportive gesture on my part. I'd lost my own mother and I knew how he felt.

The key difference here is that we weren't having clandestine conversations, have not met again after that one occasion (some years ago now), and I was completely transparent with DH. Had he not been comfortable with it, I wouldn't have gone.

Some might say this is hypocritical. But DH has female colleagues, frequently lunches with them and the team he manages, or with local contacts. All fine. In the circumstances you describe above, I'd not be fine with it at all. It's the pattern that's telling; as is his response. I'd ignore anyone telling you it's your own insecurities talking. I think most people would be insecure in your particular situation.

Ffs “cool wives”, just say you are insecure for goodness sake

My parents were like this and it was awful for me and my sibling growing up. So claustrophobic, always staying in as a foursome. Sorry to say it, OP, but my dad also ended up having an affair because he was bored. Looking back it was almost inevitable. I think you need a serious talk with your DH about why he suddenly wanted to renew this friendship and how he feels about your marriage and the life you have together.

Your dad had an affair because he was bored ???

No, you have not over-reacted. A married man has no business meeting with an old female friend deliberately. If they ran into each other by chance, a quick coffee - fine. But to set up a meeting? Married people have no business having friends of the opposite sex, this is trouble and not necessarily in the sense that they will have sex or anything of the sort - it means you are not enough. Some people say you have to set your boundaries - I disagree. If you have to explain to a husband that it is not on to have meetings with a member of the opposite sex, this is no marriage. All that bull about men and women being friends. Ignore biology at your own peril and then spend years de-transitioning back to your own marriage through counselling, family therapy like we read on other threads.

@LoopyLooooo Massively Over cooked on your part. You talk about misogyny and then you go on to hound op with rubbish like does he always ask for permission to see his friends. Op is telling you that her husband is in contact with a woman from his childhood that he randomly just decided to message. What's that got to do with asking for permission to see his actual friends.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's instigating an affair in plain sight.

Yeah why he didn't show you the messages to reassure you, I've no idea.

Next time: that sounds great, I'll tag along: I'd love to meet her.

Trust your gut instinct. I'd probably be suspicious too, especially as it seems so out of character for your DH. Why is he being so secretive about their messages and didn't mention anything about being in touch with an old friend 😕