My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

What did he say when he returned from the lunch? Has he been on his phone more often since?

Don’t get why people call people “friends” that they have not spoken to in two decades

you used to know them
a friend is someone you have a relationship with- he did not have a friendship with her for 20 years so to call her friend is reaching and I would ask him to help me understand why he feels the need to rekindle his friendship with her

When he gets home ask him.

not in an interrogation just general interest chitchat sort of way. Then you can go from there.

if it’s prickling your spidey senses just pay attention, the truth will out either way.

Thank you, that's exactly how I feel. He said 'I'm good at numbers' but often forget a 4 digit pin!

@BirdieMK3

Sadly I have to agree with this. Ignore the 'cool wives' ... They are very tedious with their 'I couldn't get worked up about this' nonsense. Of COURSE they would get worked up about it! Any normal person would! This is very worrying. Why the fuck did he go when you asked him not to and said you were worried about it?

This does not bode well. Sorry.

Did he talk about her when he came back? Are they going to meet again?

Is she REALLY an old friend do you think? Or someone new?

Very suspicious. Sorry.

I think probably saying “someone i used to know” sounds so dramatic 😅

not really a normal thing to say in a casual conversation and acquaintance is a bit formal so “friend” has become a catchall term.

W - “where are you going?”
H - “to lunch, with someone is used to know…”
W - “wtf?”

These kind of comments are so ridiculous. You know we’re all individuals right? You know that each individual has their own mind and is able to able to have any opinion they want, right?

Just because a woman has a different opinion to you, doesn’t mean they’re trying to be a ‘cool wife.’ It’s a bit embarrassing that you as a grown adult have come to that conclusion

I don't know what to think, my head is fucked...

Another ‘cool wife’ comment. How cringe

Could have said I am meeting up with a person “I used to be friends with”

Posters pretending they wouldn't care if their husband went to see another woman that they didn't know, (for one to one meet-ups that excluded her,) are the ones that are 'cringe.'

.

Sounds suffocating! No other friends or activities? Who decided that?

I'm not surprised. Anyone's head would be if their spouse did this.

What did he say when he came back from meeting her? Is he seeing her again?

He came in all cheery, I couldn't speak to him but was trying to keep things 'normal' infront of our son. I asked him what he'd gained from it and was he seeing her again....I got no answer.

I don't appreciate your comments. I'm very fragile at the moment, I've come on for advice not to be interrogated.

Or guess what? Everyone has different types of relationships with their partners and some genuinely would not bat an eyelid? Are they not allowed to comment/share their own experiences because they’re apparently a ‘cool wife?’ Should every comment be full of ‘LTB’ just so that we can sing off the same hymn sheet and keep some posters happy?

Weird.

Anyway, not going to continue derailing your thread OP, sorry about that. Definitely keep an eye on the situation

Well tomorrow, tell him if he sees her again, you will start tracking down old MALE friends from 20 years ago, and meeting up with them!

If she is a friend, then why is he not introducing you to her? My DH has female friends, and I know them all. And he knows my male friends. And neither of us would be socialising one to one with one of our friends of the opposite sex and excluding our spouse. Married people don't do that. Not happily married people who care about their spouse anyway.

And we certainly would NOT be fucking off out with some random we last saw in 2004, who we'd not spoken to since then!

How are you being 'interrogated? I honestly think mn is becoming a place where unless you say 'aw hon, he's a total dick, totally LTB you'll absolutely get 75% of all assets and his pension' you'll get shot down or as here get the 'cool wife insult'!!

But some wouldn’t?

I don’t have to know her, I don’t know everyone he knows? Unless I had reason for suspicion I can’t say that would be the first thing I’d think of.

if he started saying all the other stuff unprovoked I’d probably pay attention. If my dp says he going to meet an old friend for id just say ok?

I don’t get whats cringe, everyone has different trust thresholds and what counts as abnormal behaviour.

for some lunch with a female friend is within the normal range.

Sounds like an ex girlfriend to me if his remembering the number is to be believed. Why he's contacting her now though is the issue. Is she recently divorced/separated? Married men have a habit of popping up in these situations IMHO.

Don’t spiral or extrapolate.

just ask him tomorrow for more information.
if you keep building to all the different worst scenarios in your head
when you talk tomorrow you won’t even able to think straight. Or keep a track of the conversation and then everything gets lost and he can just back out and say you’re acting mad

make a list of questions in your notes while it’s fresh, as well as to get them out your head. try for a decent sleep then review and have a proper conversation tomorrow

don’t forget to bring up the fact he didn’t answer about seeing her again

At first I was thinking no big deal, a lot of my friends - mostly male, I haven't seen for 20 years because people move away. Different countries in many cases. However if for example I said omg William is in town, I'm going to meet up for a drink... It would be fine because a) we've always kept in touch on SM even if just once a year and b) I would have mentioned him to my husband (not that I gave one) even in a nostalgic school days, looking through old photos Kind of thing.

I'm sorry @BirdieMK3 but he's treated you terribly with this. His instigation and remembering her number? After 20 years? It sounds like bullshit.

As above,I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.who memorises a phone number for twenty years.

I too can remember old landlines numbers, but if I rang them I'd get my friends parents 😂

If he's gone that route then he's seriously had to seek her out.