My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

Something is suspicious with it. He kept it a secret for two or three weeks that he had been chatting with her until he was going to actually go meet her in person.

He refuses to show you the messages. He didn't invite you to meet her. He won't answer any questions.

He is the one who tracked her down. He remembered her mobile phone from 20 years ago? It's highly unlikely. People change their numbers and so on. Were mobile phones even widely popular 20 years ago?

He sounds right about that age for a midlife crisis, too.

If I'm understanding this correctly, this happened on Saturday.

What did he have to say when he came home?

Sorry OP but this sounds bad 😥

I think it is more likely that she is someone new that he has met only recently. He hasn't mentioned her to you in twenty years because he hasn't known her for 20 years.

I think he decided to tell you a sliver of truth about going to meet her because that's easier than making up pure lies.

Or... being optimistic, could he be organising a secret surprise for some big upcoming occasion? I know someone who became convinced her dp was cheating, because she found out he lied one time about where he was. But then it turned out he'd planned a whole special event for her.

You only have his word for all & any of this. I mean.... no previous mention of her, no social media profile seen, he's told you they've messaged but you've not seen any messages. You can't trust a word he's telling you because he's lying by omission by shrouding it in secrecy. He could have been away secretly organising a lovely surprise for you, or meeting someone off Grindr.

It's just us, thats how we are, we do everything together.

I would feel stifled by this.

Trust your gut

Yes this would bother me-

Why didn't he mention it sooner?
Why now?
What is he looking for?
How long was the meet up planned?

I've no issue with men and women being friends, if dh had established friends or if he made female friends through hobbies or work. I trust him.

But if told me out the blue he had been messaging a women he use to know and now they are going for lunch I wouldn't be impressed. It's the fact he kept it from you until the last minute and that he sought this out from someone he previously had no contact with.

Ask him to recite the number and check it. I’m thinking it’s a new friend. Something is up I agree. I’ve had my mobile number for a long time but not 20 years

I wouldn't believe a word of what he has told you - the "old friend", remembering her number. Much more likely someone new in his life. When you say he doesn't do social media can you be sure about this even?
Very worrying he won't show you her messages.

Even more worrying that this is such a change in his normal behaviour. And the fact he seems to not care about how you feel, how upset you are. It sounds rather like checking out of your relationship.

Is there a chance he told op incase he was spotted?.

I've had my mobile number for 25 years!! And it's a very easy to remember number!

Oh fuck no this reeks of utter shite!!

As a PP said he has told you this incase he is seen or caught out. So the day after your holiday he is away out lunching with some "old friend" you knew nothing about? Bollocks!

I'm sorry to come across like this but he is at it! The refusing to show you messages is another one, I'd get him so drunk and go through his phone! Nah. I'm furious on your behalf OP!

The gut feeling is there for a reason. People will probs say I sound like a headcase control freak, no, I'm just not a fucking mug!

Well said.

and you have every reason to feel frustrated at the very least that he is doing something that's (a) out of character (b) something that can't possibly add value in his life, he may as well go on Plenty of Fish and pick up someone there, this "friend" is effectively a random after 20 years and (c) he won't discuss it with you and you have no clue if there's some back story / unfinished business eg they were dating, split up and he feels he needs to settle an old score etc etc.

Sound like he's trying to wind you up or being all secretive to deliberately make you jealous for some utterly daft reason. my DH has occasionally once every couple of years met up with an old female friend but as a group (ie in an old hobby group), and it's always been when he's in that area for work, not going 50 miles out of his way, he always tells me and isn't secretive.

This isn't about you

the OP isn't asking your opinion on how she and her DH live their life, and actually if they have been very close to date, then the DH pulling this rabbit out of the hat makes it even more concerning as it's out of character, and he's basically lying by omission, by refusing to give any info the OP wants.

Firstly if I am reading this right your husband had arranged, prior to your holiday, and without mentioning it to you, to meet up with someone he had never mentioned to you before. I would be irritated by that as I would see it as breaking into our holiday time.
Then, when if I said yes okay and he then said who it was (knowing it would then be difficult for me to say oh I don’t feel right about that idea after all) and I’d said that I didn’t like it and he still went - travelling 50 miles for the pleasure -
I would not be happy about it and I don’t think my husband would be if I did it either.
lots of questions spring to mind and I don’t want to ask too many but - think back to how he was while you were away on your holiday - anything different at all? More phone use? Changes in his self care routine? Any difference in his interactions with you?

She’s an EX.

He is acting very selfishly and it seems like his head has been turned recently and not from someone from 20 years ago. How would he feel if you were doing what he is doing. Can you not put it to him like that and see what he says. If she is only a friend why did he not invite you along also.

Perhaps he spoke to her for a few weeks without saying anything as he knew his wife would react like she has. Not saying it’s unreasonable to act like OP has, and plenty of people would feel the same. But he’s told you he’s meeting her, he could have just as easily told you he’s going to meet an old male friend, so perhaps there’s nothing in it at this point. I do think she’s probably an ex and yes it is a bit disrespectful to meet an ex partner when you’re in a relationship. I’m single now, but my ex partner had nearly all female friends. That’s just the type of person he was and he met female friends for lunch most months. I wasn’t a cool wife, I never ever felt jealous as I knew they were genuinely friends, mainly ex work colleagues. He would have 100% been jealous if it was me though, as he never trusted me even though I never cheated on him during our relationship (we had 2 children together. I dated someone else who was like that too, but sounds like your DH doesn’t have lots of female friends he meets up with and this is left field.

Sorry off tangent there but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion he’s going to run off with this woman. Sit down with him and have an honest conversation what led to him contacting her. Don’t go in all guns blazing. Sounds like you could both do with some hobbies / time spent with other people from your comment that he never does that.

I agree with you and would find it weird, especially since you’ve never heard of her. An old friend popping up out the blue is strange, even more strange when the partner has not once talked about them before.

Has he given you any answers to your questions? You don’t just randomly remember someone’s number so he’s either had it saved and waited to message her or maybe bumped into her/ someone who knows her and got the number.

My dh would also ask (not quite the right word) when meeting up with friends. It’s not like he’s asking for permission but just checking we don’t have plans already.

Try not to spiral but I would chat to him again and try make him see it from your point of view.

I would also say she’s possibly an ex girlfriend or someone he had a close friendship with and I don’t believe he suddenly ‘remembered’ her number although it is possible he found it in an old address book or something.

It is possible that you doing everything together is stifling and maybe doesn’t suit him as much as it does you. It is perfectly ok and healthy to have friendships outside of a marriage and I would be very unhappy if my DH tried to prevent me from connecting with old friends (including those I have never mentioned to him).

‘Doing everything together’ is unlikely to be healthy long term.

I very much feel for you. Suddenly out of nowhere DH is clearly acting out of character to the man you have known, which naturally puts you in to a total spin. This is when the mind goes in to total overdrive and you can only picture the worst scenarios, especially as he doesn’t seem willing to discuss or re-assure you.
My advice would be to see what his next move is. I personally wouldn’t be happy if this became a regular thing unless I was introduced to this “old friend”

@BirdieMK3, he is blocking transparency with regard to this woman you’ve never heard of — secretively speaking to her for weeks, springing their
next-day long distance meet-up on you, disregarding your discomfort, and refusing to reassure you by showing their messages. After their lunch date, he returned with a spring in his step and blanked you when you asked about the visit and if you plan to meet again.

I too believe that she is either a former girlfriend or a new woman he is investing in. He wouldn’t be marginalizing you if this were a truly platonic friendship.

You need information, @BirdieMK3. Can you check his phone to investigate what is really happening here? He is sidelining you and riding roughshod over your boundaries to seek validation from this new adventure. He needs to understand that he has much to lose if he continues down this path.

I would be VERY suspicious of this

How did you get no answer did he refuse to answer you? Did he change the subject? Did did you press?

his behaviour is secretive and dodgy.

but youve isolated yourself.

Use this as a push to be more independent

OP, i’d feel the same.

i’d have no problem if it was an old friend that my husband bumped into recently and then decided to have a catch up or if they got reacquainted on social media and then having a catch up, but to say he randomly remembered her number and then got in touch is a bit weird

You know your husband and you know whats normal of his behaviour and what’s not, i think you just need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him about it and explain things from your point of view.

if he is a good husband he will have nothing to hide but if he starts gaslighting you and tellin you you’re imaging things or being dismissive of your feelings, I’d certainly worry.