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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
CalMeKate · 27/04/2024 09:33

So is the lunch today?

Angrymum22 · 27/04/2024 10:02

Sweden99 · 27/04/2024 07:58

@Angrymum22, I am aware of your name, but to stick with him through either his affair or stroke is to your credit. That you stuck with him through both is remarkable.

@Jeannie88, That is impressive of you. I would say as a man, I miss having women friends, but it makes sense that most women would not feel comfortable with their OH having female friends.

Thank you, in rl I am a remarkable woman for my generation in my achievements in my career and dealing with what life has thrown at me prior to the most recent shit shower. But I have never subscribed to the woe is me mentality. Always the optimist.

I do believe that you should allow people the chance to redeem themselves. But one strike and it’s out.
DH is not just my DH but also my best friend. He redeemed himself when I had breast cancer and encouraged me to face the physical side of the op, not once flinching at my scarring or disfigurement. For me that was the healing point. It would have been so easy for him to walk away at that point. He didn’t and sadly now is no longer able to look after himself. Physically he is 90% recovered but he has cognitive deficits. Life has never dealt me a brilliant hand but I have never let it get me down.

Success in business and a healthy dose of intelligence has resulted in us being able to retire early and comfortably.

upthehills1 · 27/04/2024 10:22

MummyJ36 · 26/04/2024 14:03

I wouldn’t normally suggest this but….ask him to swear on your son’s life that nothing untoward has happened between him and this woman. His reaction will tell you a lot.

I asked my ex to do this on his sick mother’s life. He looked me in the eye and did it without missing a beat. He was lying

Thewondererhasreturned · 27/04/2024 11:11

So sorry OP in my opinion if he cared about your relationship and truely had nothing to hide he would just show you his phone. The fact he does not want to do that shows a) hes not interested in your relationship and doesn't want to reassure you and b) hes hiding something. He can't show you the messages most likely because he would need to delete a lot of them and you would see obvious gaps further fuelling the fire. To me this man does not sound committed. Dont worry about you DC I didn't want that for my son but actually our children are happier when we are happy. Dont teach them to stay in a situation where someone is possibly lying and being distrustful

GrannyHelen1 · 27/04/2024 12:14

This! This right here!

user1472151176 · 27/04/2024 13:54

I wouldn't be happy if it was my husband. Seems odd to me. Meeting with an old female friend and they've been messaging for a couple of weeks and he's kept that quiet. Whether or not he's acting on it, he's definitely feel guilty! I have old male friends who I haven't seen for years (no history) and if I had the opportunity I would love to meet up and catch up - the difference is I would tell my husband and he'd be included in my plans.

Sweden99 · 27/04/2024 14:06

@Angrymum22, I rarely read a heart warming post. Thank you for that, it gives me hope.

AuntMarch · 27/04/2024 14:21

I wouldn't have had a problem at all... until he "remembered" her number. That seems off.
Came across as "someone you may know" on facebook- great! Bit there'd be no need to be cagey about that.

I don't know why you immediately weren't happy though, just because she's a woman. A lot of my friends at school were boys, and there are a few I still love to grab a beer with. I don't fancy any of them and I'm pretty sure none of them fancy me.

gottogonow · 27/04/2024 16:48

I am so sorry to read your update. It must feel really difficult right now. Trust your gut. She may be “newly single” and have reached out. Perhaps you could all go out together if your husband is so keen. Hopefully it will pass and he will realise he’s been a bit stupid.

Crispsandcola · 27/04/2024 17:10

My sister's (now ex) DH started messaging a female friend from school and is now in Australia (moved there to be with her) after stringing my sister along for 3 devastatingly painful years then walking away literally without a backwards glance. This sounds dodgy AF tbh.

smithsinarazz · 27/04/2024 20:06

Honestly, just don't do this to yourself - and your family. I've got male friends, DH has got female friends - we meet up with our friends. It's ok. We've been together since we were 19, I'm not some starry-eyed little fool.
And, yeah, I know people whose husbands have cheated on them with "friends" , too.

AliAtHome · 27/04/2024 22:29

You are not being unreasonable. This happened to me. I was too trusting and ok about DH seeing someone from the past. I had never had any reason to not trust him and he had never done anything wrong. He ended up having a year (before I found out) long affair with her. They tell you enough to appease their guilt and make you complicit with their actions ‘you said I could meet her’. He knows deep down he’s checking her out for more than just friends - but kidding himself it’s innocent (it has to be he told you he was meeting her). He will also probably wait for her to make the first move - so he can justify the betrayal in his own mind. (Mine asked to see his room ‘because she’d never stayed in the hotel he was staying in’). We actually stayed together after - but as you can imagine have forensically gone over how and why it happened. So speak from experience when I say I wish I had not been so blindly trusting and also that I had kicked off/clamped down on the first sign of interest in another woman - instead of being the cool ‘we can have make or female friends’ wife.

You also need to start talking to each other about your relationship- why does he feel the need to catch up with old friends, what is he trying to recapture, what is missing from his life now etc. That’s how we repaired our marriage. Good luck OP x

DBSFstupid · 28/04/2024 00:57

@BirdieMK3 are you actually going to come back to your thread??
You have been given a great deal of advice on here.
I always find it rude when a poster starts an 'urgent' thread and then doesn't acknowledge all the advice given.

Phoenixfire1988 · 28/04/2024 01:29

He ' remembered ' her number after 20 years and she just happened to still have that number colour me shocked if this wasnt utter bullshit ( which it is incase you wondered ) and the fact he's hiding messages NOPE

Phoenixfire1988 · 28/04/2024 01:35

If my partner wants to use my phone I hand it straight over unless I'm reading a book on kindle and want to finish the chapter which I'll wave in his face if he has nothing to hide why not show you

susiemamma · 28/04/2024 05:49

DBSFstupid · 28/04/2024 00:57

@BirdieMK3 are you actually going to come back to your thread??
You have been given a great deal of advice on here.
I always find it rude when a poster starts an 'urgent' thread and then doesn't acknowledge all the advice given.

Totally agree. Always makes me wonder if it's real.

Commonsense22 · 28/04/2024 07:11

Poor @BirdieMK3 did come back to the thread several times and new posters are just repeating what others said before . People have been going round in circles since and nothing new has been added. We're not entitled to know the outcome, this is not a soap opera.

Usernamechange1234 · 28/04/2024 07:23

DBSFstupid · 28/04/2024 00:57

@BirdieMK3 are you actually going to come back to your thread??
You have been given a great deal of advice on here.
I always find it rude when a poster starts an 'urgent' thread and then doesn't acknowledge all the advice given.

No she does not owe you anything. She’s not your bloody entertainment.

If, as many of us suspect, this is the start of an affair she will be going through hell right now and trying desperately to keep things stable for her son.

The last thing she needs to be worrying about is updating mumsnet especially with some of the comments on here and the fact that many can’t even be bothered to read the thread (does it matter if flying birds465z does remember her uncles best friends number from 16 years ago?!) and actually understand what she’s going through, instead of criticising her marriage (it’s not THEIR marriage) or describe her as controlling and worse.

Another vulnerable woman coming for support and advice on the relationships forum and posters behaving as though it’s on AIBU. Her mental health must be in pieces.

30yearoldvirgin · 28/04/2024 07:29

DBSFstupid · 28/04/2024 00:57

@BirdieMK3 are you actually going to come back to your thread??
You have been given a great deal of advice on here.
I always find it rude when a poster starts an 'urgent' thread and then doesn't acknowledge all the advice given.

Chill out. As if checking in with you is her top priority 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Sweden99 · 28/04/2024 08:08

@DBSFstupid, Being polite on MN should absolutely not be her top priority right now.

Mrsgreen100 · 28/04/2024 09:50

My ex did similar thing
note ex

fishingoutofthewater · 28/04/2024 10:26

BirdieMK3 · 24/04/2024 10:01

@Bestyearever2024
Thank you. Nothing has changed, he still won't show me his phone, still protests I'm overreacting. We are in separate living rooms and bedrooms.... I'm not sure what my next move is. I'm from a broken home and I so didn't want that for our Son 😪

Show quote history

From experience, your home would be less broken if you left than if you stayed.

I would lay money that this is not the first time that they had met up.

Getting your agreement to this lunch while telling you a half truth is the biggest red flag of all.

My ex did this, suddenly felt like he had to go shopping on new years' eve without me in a different city (youngest was not even 1 at the time). Phone pin changed, suddenly in a good mood.

Shock horror, we were divorcing within nine months and an affair had been going on for a year and in that time he had told me that I needed to be sectioned because I was "paranoid."WA

Please get your ducks in a row and at least have a get out plan. He is not acting like an honest partner in any way. Best of luck x

TrixieMixie · 28/04/2024 10:53

I might be a bit suspicious here but just as a counter-thought:
I met an old school friend (male) for lunch about a year ago. We had kept in touch via FaceBook, I suppose it could be described as ‘messaging’ but was just putting daft jokes on posts with no flirting/romance. Lunch was in the company of a third old male school friend who also acts daft on FB who had kept in better touch and met me and my husband in the interim. Basically the three of us were a little gang back in the day and are just as silly on FB as we were in school as kids. It was nice to see them after 30 years and joke on like when we were at the back of the class aged 10. Can’t remember if I made a point of telling my husband about the lunch or not, they both came to a restaurant near my work in the week so I expect I just mentioned it in passing and he didn’t think much of it - there was certainly no hoo ha. I can see how someone could make a suspicious narrative from that too. Sometimes things are innocent.

BirthdayRainbow · 28/04/2024 11:12

Missing the point @TrixieMixie . The OPs h is not behaving in a way that brings innocence to mind.

Whereisthelove2 · 28/04/2024 11:32

Doesn’t sound good. If this was the other way around would you show him your phone? Would you answer the questions on what was gained from this? Would you understand your partners upset? Or if so innocent would you invite him along? The answer to all of this is yes. Your husband does not have good intentions here, this woman was not just a friend from his past, and is somebody he wants in his life and to know again.