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Original poster

DH refused request, feeling conflicted

467 replies

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 22/04/2024 01:08

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

OP posts:
Tiedietop · 22/04/2024 01:16

"nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends."
Do you mean he still interacts with his friend's posts but not yours? Or just that he doesn't mention your posts to you in person?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/04/2024 01:20

Maybe he has just grown up ? and does not feel the need to post every little thing on social media.

Is he much older than you ? as the use of the words ' I said in a playful way ' sounds like a young person to me as I don't know how you can make saying
“I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
' playful ' ?

Pussygaloregalapagos · 22/04/2024 01:23

Interesting. My DH literally has zero online presence. It is probably fine. Or he could be having an affair. LTB?

mynameiscalypso · 22/04/2024 01:24

I think the social media is a red herring. Your relationship isn't going to magically improve if he posts that he had a nice day out with you and the kids. My experience is also that people are posting less and less on social media as the risks of it are becoming more well known.

Botanica · 22/04/2024 01:30

You are looking on the wrong place to identify the issues.

Some introspection on why you are so needy and dependent on social media validation could be insightful.

I'd give it a rest before he tires of you and realises you are on different wavelengths / maturity levels.

Strictly1 · 22/04/2024 01:30

He’s told you he doesn’t want to and the fact you keep asking would drive me nuts. I’ve also never understood the need for partners to interact with each others post as it seems a performance when you’re living in the same house.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture and try and work out what you’re missing.

EatCrow · 22/04/2024 01:41

What do you think is happening?

sosickofbeingskint · 22/04/2024 01:43

It's really hard to say - no wonder it's been driving you nuts.

It could be that he just doesn't like social media any more, or he could be hiding you so he can have an affair. If he was hiding you, he might want to hide the DC too.

Is he still using social media just not interacting with you on it? It sounds like you're saying he's still interacting with his mates, is that right?

What are the ups and downs you've been having?

sosickofbeingskint · 22/04/2024 01:48

Botanica · 22/04/2024 01:30

You are looking on the wrong place to identify the issues.

Some introspection on why you are so needy and dependent on social media validation could be insightful.

I'd give it a rest before he tires of you and realises you are on different wavelengths / maturity levels.

Why do people do this, seriously?

The OP has been quite clear that it's the change in behaviour and the strength of his reaction that has her thinking something may be up, not the social media itself necessarily.

But it seems you couldn't resist an opportunity to have a go at her, calling her immature and needy.

You don't have nearly enough information to draw this conclusion, didn't stop you though, did it.

Some introspection on what you are getting out of kicking people while they are down might be insightful.

Opentooffers · 22/04/2024 01:56

Your doubts and reasoning sound quite bonkers tbf

Meadowfinch · 22/04/2024 02:01

Why does it matter? Surely you should be pleased that your dh isn't wasting his time, posting a load of self-indulgent nonsense that no-one other than family has the slightest interest in anyway.

He's a grown up with other priorities.

If you genuinely feel this is an issue, I think you should look elsewhere for the problem. Are you feeling ignored or unloved? That's nothing to do with social media. It's more about closeness of relationship.

Codlingmoths · 22/04/2024 02:04

Pussygaloregalapagos · 22/04/2024 01:23

Interesting. My DH literally has zero online presence. It is probably fine. Or he could be having an affair. LTB?

Does your dh like friends posts and ignore his wife’s? Thats what this sounds like and I’d be unhappy with that. Once they are making less effort with you than any of their friends, something has gone from the relationship.

EatCrow · 22/04/2024 02:08

sosickofbeingskint · 22/04/2024 01:48

Why do people do this, seriously?

The OP has been quite clear that it's the change in behaviour and the strength of his reaction that has her thinking something may be up, not the social media itself necessarily.

But it seems you couldn't resist an opportunity to have a go at her, calling her immature and needy.

You don't have nearly enough information to draw this conclusion, didn't stop you though, did it.

Some introspection on what you are getting out of kicking people while they are down might be insightful.

Edited
Show quote history

Another pile on isn’t it, posters seemingly not understanding the crux of the OPs concerns.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2024 02:08

Sorry, but in my opinion, your post is absolutely batshit. I honestly can't even wrap my head around how a supposed grown woman is so obsessed with what her husband "likes" and posts on bullshit social media. It seems you genuinely believe that your husband posting nonsense on Facebook, (or whatever), would somehow validate your relationship. It's fucking madness.

MariaVT65 · 22/04/2024 02:27

It’s becoming increasingly common for adults not to post on social media IME, especially around our age (30s).

The main people I know who post on social media upload picture perfect posts about family life and outings, when I know they are fairly miserable in real life.

I would applaud him for no longer wishing to waste his life on social on media and let it go, and look at other issues you two may have. It sounds to me like you have an issue with validation.

Newnamehiwhodis · 22/04/2024 02:27

Something’s bothering you - something’s off, and that’s valid. Your feelings are signals of some kind. Whether or not it’s specifically social media is really not a cause for people to be belittling you and making fun of; calling you names like “batshit” is extremely rude (and actually batshit: projecting much?)

so if something’s bothering you, and you feel a lack, it’s time to ask yourself the hard questions. Is it worth the energy it will take to get to the root of this?
is he willing to do the work WITH you, since you can’t save your marriage alone?
that he blew you off and dismissed you isn’t a good sign that he’s caring how you feel.

maybe counseling together?

he needs to out in the work, too. It can’t just be you.

I do understand this- I went through something similar, but it wasn’t really about feeling hidden (which is what I thought was bothering me), it was that I sensed he just wasn’t all in with me; and in reality, he was not a kind or loving partner. It just took me a long time to see and admit that to myself, because he DID start making all kinds of lovey-dovey posts. It didn’t fix anything, OP, it just made the deeper problems in the relationship harder for me to spot, for a while … the “deeper problems” being, really, that he was just mean. Just a cruel person I could not stay with and be healthy.

I hope you find answers that work for you- but shoving this down, making fun of yourself and ignoring it isn’t going to help or be the answer.

the replies that are mocking you seem like they’re from teenagers …

commonsense12 · 22/04/2024 03:10

Your relationship hangs on .... how much.... he posts..... on social media.......

Some people just don't need validation from social media.

I guess every relationship failed before Facebook was invented 🙄

MyRobotFriend · 22/04/2024 03:20

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2024 02:08

Sorry, but in my opinion, your post is absolutely batshit. I honestly can't even wrap my head around how a supposed grown woman is so obsessed with what her husband "likes" and posts on bullshit social media. It seems you genuinely believe that your husband posting nonsense on Facebook, (or whatever), would somehow validate your relationship. It's fucking madness.

I agree!

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 22/04/2024 03:25

the relationship is up and down, you’re sensing something is off.
i think everyone gets that part. but this is information only your partner can provide.
what I can tell you is that your request comes across as nagging, and I can envision a good many people would dig their heels in and refuse all the more.
the request (although I suspect the concerns are much deeper) is immature and needy.
if things are off between you two and the crux of the matter doesn’t come to light/resolution relatively quickly then it’s over and there’s little point dragging this out.

CulturalNomad · 22/04/2024 03:34

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me

It sounds like your real fear here is that he's either having an affair or has broken off an affair and doesn't want this other person monitoring his interactions with you on social media.

Is that what this is really about and why you pretty desperately want him to publicly validate your relationship via social media?

If I had to guess I'd say you posted something on Valentine's Day about your "wonderful hubby" and the fact that he won't respond publicly with something "romantic" has made you suspicious.

If I'm correct then I think you need to address that head on and stop hiding behind the social media nonsense.

BlastedPimples · 22/04/2024 03:58

Well, a sudden change in behaviour is always going to create interest.

My stbxh suddenly changed his behaviour on sm too. Blocked his friends list on FB, his marital status. Claimed he was being harassed. He wasn't. He was having an affair with a 24 year old Irish girl.

There were other behavioural changes too like he became even more hysterical and aggressive.

So are there other changes as well, op?

CulturalNomad · 22/04/2024 04:21

Another pile on isn’t it, posters seemingly not understanding the crux of the OPs concerns

Nah, I think I get where she's coming from. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about SM, it sounds like it was normal for the OP and her husband to comment on each other's posts. He suddenly stops (though continues to interact with his friends). And for months now he's adamant that he's not going to do this anymore, but he's unwilling to explain why.

It could be that he had a sudden epiphany about posting publicly about private matters...though this didn't extend to his friends, just his wife. Or...

There's a third party that's very interested in the status of his marriage and he doesn't want anything he posts publicly to contradict what he's saying privately.

The OP senses that something is "off" and that's the real issue. Something just doesn't feel right. IME it's best to be straightforward with what's really bothering you. The nagging about social media is just a distraction.

PaminaMozart · 22/04/2024 04:22

If you sense that he may be up to no good, nagging him about SM is not going to help.

What are the other things that you find troubling - why is the relationship unstable?

I'd focus on the fundamentals as it seems the change in SM behavior may be a symptom rather the crux of the problem.

FangsForTheMemory · 22/04/2024 04:54

Meadowfinch · 22/04/2024 02:01

Why does it matter? Surely you should be pleased that your dh isn't wasting his time, posting a load of self-indulgent nonsense that no-one other than family has the slightest interest in anyway.

He's a grown up with other priorities.

If you genuinely feel this is an issue, I think you should look elsewhere for the problem. Are you feeling ignored or unloved? That's nothing to do with social media. It's more about closeness of relationship.

I don’t know what you think posting on mumsnet is?!

The OP is quite clear that it’s his reasons for the change that worry her. Time and again, people find out that their partner is cheating through social media. THAT’S why she’s concerned.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/04/2024 05:09

He's not Elon Musk is he?

Because I believe he has discovered that social media is a bit tedious these days having dabbled with it and found it's not quite what he thought it was.