DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

^^this

either this is "AI write me a mumsnet post about different SM uses" or... meh.

I always think it’s strange when couples interact online. To me it’s a sign of insecurity and a bad relationship. I always think “why don’t they just tell each other in person “. It seems fake and performative like you are trying to make a relationship look good.

You saved me posting exactly that. Thank you 😉

I agree with the above.

You need to give your head a serious wobble. If my DP started coming out with this shite, I'd be backing away even more.

look at your relationship in general.

The decline in social media use is one red flag for a potential affair/disinterest in you/embarrassment, but isn’t conclusive on its own. Are there other red flags?

Hopefully he'll delete his social media profile(s) and put an end to this nonsense.

Why are you checking his SM activities?

You're looking for issues because you are not entirely sure about him. With or without good reason.

Why do you not trust him? Start with this question and see where it takes you.

This is absolutely bonkers. More of us should follow your husbands example and get off social media anyway, it’s absolute dogshit

Always trust your gut instincts it's usually right!

My DH has zero online presence and to be honest neither do his friends. But if he was online and interacting with his friends and not me I would be a bit erm what’s going on mate.

It’s not the external validation piece people are pointing out, it’s the change in OP’s DH’s behaviour. If it was a blanket he’s not bothering with SM anymore, but that’s not the case cos he is, he’s just not interacting with OP.

Sorry but that sounds pathetic.
I use to post on social media and I don't anymore because it is so immature.
Maybe there is something wrong with your relationship but your way to approach it is wrong.

I am not a bitter person and have a lovely dh & family but when I see people post lovey messages on social media about their partner for valentines day I little cringe really strongly for them.

That unfair and rude
OP isnt so concerned about the lack of "likes" but the change in behaviour

When people say they made a ' playful 'or 'jokey ' comment you can nearly always substitute 'passive aggressive dig' instead for a more accurate description of the situation. It sounds like you are nagging him @Igetolderbutneverwiser No wonder he is digging his heels in on this one.

I acknowledge comments that friends or relations have made on FB. It's a way of showing that I saw their post and have been thinking of them. I don't acknowledge posts that my very close friends, children or DH have made because I will have already acknowledged them IRL. I would think it was weird if DH started liking posts rather than talking to me!

I'm absolutely gantin' to know what your other issues with him are now, @Igetolderbutneverwiser.

I used to post quite regularly on social media and eventually gave up. Now it's once in a blue moon. I'm not fucking the postman, haven't won the lottery and want to hide it, or joined the Russian Secret Service.

It must be very irritating to have dropped a fairy silly, pointless habit and being repeatedly given the third degree about it.

All that said, he's YOUR husband and you know him better than anyone on here. So if you think he may be having an affair, then no-one here can reassure you otherwise.

i share lots of things on social media - ie a post from a tv website which says "this tv show coming back, on uK on this date" - i share that to my feed and tag my mum/friend who watches the show.

Same for new local restaurants = share it and tag partner or friend with a "fancy this place sometime" - ie good publicity for local business too. its easier to share when i see it, and he see it later, than remember to tell him when both finished work.

Assuming you're in a similar age bracket to me (30s) then I would say his behaviour is very normal. Almost everyone I know has moved away from posting personal content on social media, even if they were prolific oversharers in their twenties. It's just growing up and realising that it's a bit embarrassing to be seeking "likes" online for an ego boost and also valuing privacy.

The only people I know who still do it are attention seekers/low self esteem or those who are a bit dim. Unless it's for work purposes it really is time to move away from it OP.

People stop posting on social media when they are happy - when they get their validation and dopamine boosts from real life experiences / hobbies and in-person interactions, rather than needing to chase it from posting online.

I'd say its a good sign, not a bad thing, that he doesn't feel the need to live out his life online. He's secure in himself. He doesn't need validation from others.

What specifically do you want him to be saying online that he isn't saying to you in person?

It must be exhausting to be, or be in a relationship with, someone who jumps to infidelity as the only possible explanation for a change in behaviour.

I think it's weird that you are worried about him not posting on social media - me and my husband never interact on SM

Same

@gannett obviously infidelity is not the only possible reason for a change in behaviour but it very often is a reason.

Obviously no one can know for sure why he’s stopped or getting shirty about it but could his irritation just be that the whole social media thing is shite and he’s grown out of it? I know you said he does ‘like’ friends stuff sometimes but he’s not actually living with them.

I’d say trust your instincts. Which I suspect is that you think he is hiding you from someone else; or that he has been in contact with someone on social media and is now undoing whatever he was into. I suspect that even if these two things aren’t happening; you feel he isn’t proud of you. He isn’t singing your praises on social media and I suspect he isn’t in real life either… I totally get why this is bothering you- he won’t even engage with you on what the real reasoning is and how is really feeling. He obviously doesn’t feel OK/happy/content etc because otherwise he would be behaving positively towards you. If not on social media then in real life at least.

It’s not too much to ask OP. You deserve to feel he loves you and wants to share life with you. Sounds like he isn’t making you feel that’s way. And I think if you are married he owes you some communication. X

I’m exactly the same as your dh. One day I woke up and had enough of being a slave to social media. I don’t ever post anything, not my dh or my children and I only ever respond to a friends post once in a blue moon. Fyi I’m 31 and stopped writing things on social media about 5 years ago, the more time that passes the less I interact. I prefer to speak to ppl in person, and there’s absolutely no way I’d ever respond to my dh social media posts, when I can speak to him in real life. Responding online to your spouse feels like it’s just for show.

Not everyone lives their life by social media.