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Original poster

DH refused request, feeling conflicted

467 replies

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 22/04/2024 01:08

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

OP posts:
Iwantitidontwantit · 29/04/2024 17:09

People on here can be such arsholes op, sorry for the hard time you are getting. This is relationships not aibu!

When I read your first post I did feel it was a little silly but your later posts have made it so clear where your worries are coming from.

I fully understand as my ex husbands behaviour changed in so many subtle ways, that individually you might have missed them but altogether they were red flags.

No one can understand that washing machine stomach feeling, having such worries, but doubting yourself at the the same time.

Do you think you could manage a calm chat (not about social media), just about not feeling as close and seeing how he takes that?

Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 17:12

@marzipanlover81 Thing is, if he doesn’t like me and wants out of the marriage, he can go to his parents if he wants to, it’s not like he is here because he has nowhere else to go.

He keeps changing his mind regarding counselling. One minute agrees to it, the next says it won’t make a difference and we can sort it on our own

OP posts:
Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 17:27

Iwantitidontwantit · 29/04/2024 17:09

People on here can be such arsholes op, sorry for the hard time you are getting. This is relationships not aibu!

When I read your first post I did feel it was a little silly but your later posts have made it so clear where your worries are coming from.

I fully understand as my ex husbands behaviour changed in so many subtle ways, that individually you might have missed them but altogether they were red flags.

No one can understand that washing machine stomach feeling, having such worries, but doubting yourself at the the same time.

Do you think you could manage a calm chat (not about social media), just about not feeling as close and seeing how he takes that?

Thank you, you hit the nail on the head.
And I’m sorry you’ve been through similar with your exH.

I’ve completely trusted him with other women, never wanted to check up on him or had any issues with him going out. I believe he is the same with me.
It’s just with this I have this niggle that won’t shift, and I’m looking back at other things second guessing myself, thinking what if I was too easy going and there were signs. Of course I hate myself for feeling like this because I do feel deep down that he may be a lot of things but not a cheat.

I have tried to talk to him calmly about wanting to feel properly close again. It’s so hard because he’s not big on deep conversations as it is, so I’m often left not knowing whether he’s not bothered or he just struggles to express it. That’s why I suggested the counselling

OP posts:
MsLuxLisbon · 29/04/2024 17:46

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 17:27

Thank you, you hit the nail on the head.
And I’m sorry you’ve been through similar with your exH.

I’ve completely trusted him with other women, never wanted to check up on him or had any issues with him going out. I believe he is the same with me.
It’s just with this I have this niggle that won’t shift, and I’m looking back at other things second guessing myself, thinking what if I was too easy going and there were signs. Of course I hate myself for feeling like this because I do feel deep down that he may be a lot of things but not a cheat.

I have tried to talk to him calmly about wanting to feel properly close again. It’s so hard because he’s not big on deep conversations as it is, so I’m often left not knowing whether he’s not bothered or he just struggles to express it. That’s why I suggested the counselling

Show quote history

I think the issue that a lot of people are having is that we don't understand why your mind is going to cheating at all. My partner rarely acknowledges me on social media, and vice versa, but it means nothing. We do have a great relationship, but if it became less great, I wouldn't start looking to his social media behaviour as either a sinister sign or a way to fix things. I think as well if he was cheating it would be easier for him to just not be friends on facebook with whoever he was cheating with, rather than go to the bother of hiding you. I would imagine that he possibly feels less warmly towards you than usual and that might be manifesting itself in his social media behaviour. That is still hurtful, but it is easier to fix than infidelity, although you won't fix it by nagging him about it (as you yourself realise, to be fair to you) Anyway, I wish you all the best and hope that this rough patch is soon behind you.

Iwantitidontwantit · 29/04/2024 17:58

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 17:27

Thank you, you hit the nail on the head.
And I’m sorry you’ve been through similar with your exH.

I’ve completely trusted him with other women, never wanted to check up on him or had any issues with him going out. I believe he is the same with me.
It’s just with this I have this niggle that won’t shift, and I’m looking back at other things second guessing myself, thinking what if I was too easy going and there were signs. Of course I hate myself for feeling like this because I do feel deep down that he may be a lot of things but not a cheat.

I have tried to talk to him calmly about wanting to feel properly close again. It’s so hard because he’s not big on deep conversations as it is, so I’m often left not knowing whether he’s not bothered or he just struggles to express it. That’s why I suggested the counselling

Show quote history

Oh op, I feel for you so much.

Trust is such a fragile thing, and it's so hard dealing with the doubts. I would suggest remaining vigilant but try take things at face value (at least for now) for the sake of your own sanity.

My doubts were in fact correct. However I survived it, and am a much happier person for it.

Genuinely wish you all the best

Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 18:17

Thank you. I am trying to push it to the back of my mind and just see how things go.
I do feel that even if he’s gone off me a bit, to completely ignore me on there but acknowledge everyone else’s posts for his birthday is hurtful and rude, and not conducive to what we are trying to achieve.

It’s sad to read of so many people going through what I am and then finding out their DH/partner has cheated. I’m hoping my DH is just being an insensitive prat.

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 29/04/2024 18:58

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 17:12

@marzipanlover81 Thing is, if he doesn’t like me and wants out of the marriage, he can go to his parents if he wants to, it’s not like he is here because he has nowhere else to go.

He keeps changing his mind regarding counselling. One minute agrees to it, the next says it won’t make a difference and we can sort it on our own

this sounds awful.

and meanwhile you still suspect he’s cheating?

Mookie81 · 29/04/2024 19:55

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 22/04/2024 01:08

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

Leave him the fuck alone.
He's not interested in posting, get off his back!

Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 21:43

@Mookie81 what a useful contribution. Did you even bother to read the updates before you posted

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 30/04/2024 08:19

what’s the atmosphere like at home OP?

Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 30/04/2024 08:51

@marzipanlover81 It’s been okay, just getting on with things

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 30/04/2024 09:45

@Igetolderbutneverwiser I really get where you’re coming from. You don’t know where you stand as he keeps changing his mind on therapy. And also not acknowledging you on social media and going to efforts to untag himself. And this is coming from
someone that rarely posts on SM and my partner isn’t on sm either. But if he was and he did this to me, I would be as concerned as you! You are not being unreasonable.
I hope you can find a way to work on your marriage but he needs to do that too, it can’t be one person!

pimplebum · 30/04/2024 12:15

What you have requested is easy and if he cared he would have shown some effort

He hasn't, so he is not invested in your happiness

Iwantitidontwantit · 01/05/2024 10:18

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 29/04/2024 21:43

@Mookie81 what a useful contribution. Did you even bother to read the updates before you posted

People are twats OP!

Imagine not bothering to read anything other than the first post of 18 page thread, then coming put with that absolute pearl of wisdom 🙄

Those who've been there know exactly how you're feeling, try not to give any energy to arseholes

Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 01/05/2024 10:36

Thank you 💐

It does seem that it shouldn’t be that hard to put the effort in, even if it doesn’t match mine.

As for people posting without reading the updates, etc, I honestly don’t get that. Is it not obvious, given the size of the thread, that I may have responded?

Anyways. I’m still up and down but trying to keep busy. I realised it’s a bank holiday weekend coming up so I will try to get stuck into something productive to take my mind off things

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 01/05/2024 11:11

It’s hard and draining carrying on like this but at the moment seems like the only option. Does your DH realise you are upset at the moment or is it a case that you will tell him at point break?
i know you have DC but is there any opportunity for you to both be alone and spend quality time and reconnect.

MsLuxLisbon · 01/05/2024 11:23

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 01/05/2024 10:36

Thank you 💐

It does seem that it shouldn’t be that hard to put the effort in, even if it doesn’t match mine.

As for people posting without reading the updates, etc, I honestly don’t get that. Is it not obvious, given the size of the thread, that I may have responded?

Anyways. I’m still up and down but trying to keep busy. I realised it’s a bank holiday weekend coming up so I will try to get stuck into something productive to take my mind off things

I still am not clear what is 'up and down', though. Aside from the social media issue, what is actually wrong in the relationship? Pretend for a second that FB doesn't exist at all. How are you and your husband interacting day by day?

Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 01/05/2024 13:52

I did discuss the issue with DH, he knows that it’s bothered me but I did say I’m going to leave it there. So I’m just trying to get on with it.

In terms of other issues, they are relating to finances and poor communication.
When not in conflict about a particular thing, the day to day varies, it can be fine and friendly, or loving and affectionate, etc

OP posts:
MsLuxLisbon · 01/05/2024 14:27

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 01/05/2024 13:52

I did discuss the issue with DH, he knows that it’s bothered me but I did say I’m going to leave it there. So I’m just trying to get on with it.

In terms of other issues, they are relating to finances and poor communication.
When not in conflict about a particular thing, the day to day varies, it can be fine and friendly, or loving and affectionate, etc

Finances are a huge issue, if those aren't in order I would personally be far more concerned about that than about social media.

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 14:46

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 01/05/2024 10:36

Thank you 💐

It does seem that it shouldn’t be that hard to put the effort in, even if it doesn’t match mine.

As for people posting without reading the updates, etc, I honestly don’t get that. Is it not obvious, given the size of the thread, that I may have responded?

Anyways. I’m still up and down but trying to keep busy. I realised it’s a bank holiday weekend coming up so I will try to get stuck into something productive to take my mind off things

any plans with the children? with or without DH? what’s the evenings like when children go to bed? it doesn’t rely doesn’t pleasant or sustainable for anyone

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 14:47

Igetolderbutneverwiser · 01/05/2024 13:52

I did discuss the issue with DH, he knows that it’s bothered me but I did say I’m going to leave it there. So I’m just trying to get on with it.

In terms of other issues, they are relating to finances and poor communication.
When not in conflict about a particular thing, the day to day varies, it can be fine and friendly, or loving and affectionate, etc

trust
finances
poor communication

if he doesn’t agree to counselling, how do you see a way out of this?

EcoChica1980 · 01/05/2024 15:47

I would get annoyed if a partner repeatedly asked me to do something I had explained I didn't want to do.

Especially if that thing was entirely my choice to do or not,

And extra especially if that thing was as dumb as posting on SM.

Original poster
Igetolderbutneverwiser · 01/05/2024 16:08

Overall I do trust him, it was just with this particular issue something felt off and made me wonder. But I’ve not felt like that over anything else, despite him having female friends/colleagues, having passwords on everything, etc, it never bothered me.

No specific plans with DC this weekend but will do something.
In terms of DH and I, when things are strained, we just watch tv or I might get on with some jobs. I still cook meals as normal (even if DC aren’t here), we make brews for each other, if he’s going to the shop he will still ask if I want anything, etc.
Obviously when everything is okay there might be a cuddle when we watch tv, or we will be chatting about something.

OP posts:
EasternEcho · 01/05/2024 16:10

Sorry wrong post. Removed.

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 16:11

Overall I do trust him, it was just with this particular issue something felt off and made me wonder.

but you said a year ago you were worried following a text…?