DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

Leave the social media out of it; what else is wrong?

The Cambridge dictionary says social media is

“websites and computer programs that allow people to communicate and share information on the internet using a computer or mobile phone:”

so yes you are wasting your time on social media right now like all those other losers. Maybe you should climb down off your high horse.

Almost everyone I know has massively decreased their use of social media. Consciously or subconsciously we're trying to wean ourselves off it.

I've enjoyed social media a lot, made friends and kept up connections through it for years, but it's not what it was - it's a much more toxic environment now than it was in say 2010. It's like anything in life - when it's not fun any more, that's the time to stop. My FB has been dormant for years, I don't have an Instagram and I've stopped posting on Twitter (only keep an account for professional purposes). I'm far from the only one to have done this.

I never posted gushy stuff about my relationship in the first place, though, and I'd have run a mile from anyone who needed that.

I get that you feel that something is off, but I really feel that social media is the wrong measure to focus on.

He’s married to you and lives with you. Any interaction with your posts on social media is going to be performative. Especially on Hallmark occasions such as Valentines Day. I get that he’s responding to friends’ posts as that is a very low effort way of keeping in touch but interacting with you is an actual waste of time as far as communication is concerned.

I do not think that asking someone to do more on social media - and actually nagging them about it - is reasonable.

If your real worry is that he’s having an affair, what are the indications in real life that this may be so?

You’re upset your husband isn’t sad enough to post every life event on Facebook for the world to see anymore? I’d be delighted
does he actually tell you he loves you and mark social events in person and be present with you every day. Yes it is childish sorry but this is what is wrong with people now, living their lives via social media and getting upset because someone didn’t ‘like’ their post about little Johnny’s 27th tooth falling out

I stopped posting on SM virtually overnight. I had a miscarriage and started to hide pregnant friends/pregnancy announcements from my feed for a bit. It kind of started the cogs turning to if I had previously posted anything that may have inadvertently upset friends of mine and my 10 year anniversary was coming up, I was going to do a post and thought about a close friend who had just been through a really tough divorce and I just thought what is the point? Why do I need a public declaration of my relationship? I'm pretty happy with my marriage in the quiet of our own home.

Thinking through all this really made me consider the security aspect of Facebook in particular. I can find out pretty much anyones birthday, their children's names and birthdays, their spouse and their personal details, who they work for and job title and how long they have been there, their childhood pets name, their schooling and university and hobbies. It's just too much publicly available information. I removed my children from my profile picture and banner which is what strangers can access. I keep a very private inactive profile for shift swaps at work.

Could your DH be going through a similar change? My behaviour is very similar to your spouses but I can assure you I am not cheating on my DH in any way shape or form.

Showing you he loves you and cares for you in day to day life is what is important. Not social media.

If you feel like he doesnt care a social media post will not change that. If his actions and words in day to day life are good then your behaviour about social media post would be infuriating if i were your dh.

It's social media, it's really not a big deal. My DH rarely posts, like a few times a year, and I wouldn't even notice if it was about me or not. Maybe he's just over social media and is saying exactly how he feels

I used to have a Facebook page and it was
Janice at another party
Sienna at another theme park.
Little Bens Birthday party
Jack and Hannah’s anniversary

Looking at other people’s lives is quite tedious.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is why you feel the need to advertise your life and think people are interested.

I don't think MN is in the same category as FB - this is anonymous, FB is for people to openly share their identities and lives with their friends/family.
If OP's dh used to openly acknowledge her and post about their lives on FB and now doesn't, that's a warning sign of something being 'off'. He hasn't given her a proper explanation either - I would be reading that as him worrying about some other woman's reactions, more than his wife's!

Have you looked through his friends list and seen if anything looks new or odd? Is he more possessive with his phone or less available. Does he seem less caring of you?

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up

this is very controlling behaviour. If a man spoke to a woman in this way everyone would be shouting about him being abusive.
OP, you can’t force someone to post on SM, it’s emotional blackmail!

this

Grow up a bit, OP

But the fact that he won't send his wife a little message that he knows would mean a lot to her and will be seen publicly, is quite telling.

It's utterly bizarre to infer from decreased social media usage that there's another woman.

Social media has become a much more negative place in the last few years (and people are becoming more aware of the negative aspects it always had). From security risks to addiction to toxicity to just plain boredom, it's absolutely normal not to post as much as one used to.

I don't know anyone who uses FB like we all used to.

I rarely post anything. My DH never.

If I post a big event like a significant anniversary and tag him, he'd only comment if someone makes a comment to him.

Folks are over all that now.

Look elsewhere for the issues in your relationship. It's not about SM.

And if he said any of those reasons to the OP I'd agree with you. I post very little on fb now, but do still 'like' things that friends post. But it's his saying 'just because', when she asks, that makes me think he's not concerned about security.
I'm not saying he's definitely cheating but this change would make me wonder

Still don’t regard MN as social media but let me change my original post:
I regard people who engage with public online media, creating public online profiles and posting photos to show off and satisfy their egos as big losers. The only acceptable usage of these media should be for professional purposes or for the purpose of finding a partner online NOT behind’s their spouses back though.
Still I don’t think I would date a man who engages with social media and posts personal content. Big loser.

What are the "ups and downs" because unless there's a backstory, your focusing on this particular thing does sound like a reach. If it's combined with nagging doubts about other things and you can't quite pin down what's bothering you, then I can understand that you'd zero in on a definite and concrete behaviour. Presumably the fact you think he's hiding you means you suspect an affair? Is there anything else that makes you think this, because this lack of SM activity on its own would be a real stretch imo.

Perhaps you should be looking at your actual contact rather than your SM contact.

I don't think that's the case here really, although superficially it may seem that way. It does sound off to me that the op's DH can still interact with others online but not his own wife. I think the op could have a point that she is being hidden by her DH. Posting on social media overall is not a big deal but the change in behaviour without explanation (I.e. I don't want to unnecessarily share information with others which would be totally reasonable and a trend I've personally noticed) does sound odd.

Couples who interact with each other on social media for everyone to see are a bit cringy. Maybe he has realised this but doesn’t want to be rude to you. Loads of people have drifted away from it. I also think that you get to a point where you want the privacy.

I rarely post things as I have no desire for my families life of my children to be all over social media. They have a right to privacy just as I do. DH doesn't bother. I rarely comment on the little he posts or put a like. I use social media for bargain sites, information about local events etc. I cannot be bothered with the whole "look at me" culture that comes with it.

A PP Said it’s not about SM and I agree.

What jumps out to me is that you asked for something small and he is refusing to make an effort, even for big occasions. I suspect you are taking that as a sign he doesn’t want to make an effort to save the marriage.

So my question would be, is it the case?
Is he making clear p, big effort to save your marriage or actually, he is giving lip service to being part of the ‘solving the ups and downs’?
What have you done for him to help solve said issues (I assume he mentioned he’d like you to do X or Y)? Has he acknowledged that?

I really don't know why pp post about their own sm behaviour as it's utterly irrelevant to the op's current situation and experience.

I think you need to give a bit more info. On the surface it seems silly to worry about SM but from your post it sounds like he’s continuing to interact with friends but not you or his children? If he had just stopped using SM altogether that’s one thing but deliberately excluding his family but not friends does seem a bit off if that’s what he is doing. Are you implying you feel he is hiding you and his kids?