DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it.

It sounds like your life does revolve around it! Just live in the present and stop wanting to have your milestones plastered all over superficial social media platforms for the benefit of others! A private life is a happy life.

Well said.

A change of behaviour and his extreme reaction with no explanation is indeed odd and fits with the almost daily posts on here of people discovering a partner having an affair.
Maybe saying 'our marriage is over but we are staying together for the children/until we can sell the house blah blah' to someone.

OP you need to be very direct and have a proper discussion with him that begins with you calmly stating how this change, sm ghosting and angry reaction is affecting you.
He might have a totally justified reason like someone has said it's cringy to interact with your wife on FB and he can't get past it (many people including myself do think this)or he might be unhappy and feel like a hypocrite playing performative happy couples, there lots of possibilities but you deserve honesty and a respectful conversation about it.

But when you've already seen the photos because they sent them to you or showed them to you, or you were at the day out they were taken at or whatever, why would you interact with a social media post other than to be performative for others? I interact occasionally with friends' SM posts because they post things I wouldn't see or know about otherwise. If my DH was posting it would only be about things I already knew about. Why would I interact? This whole OP is focusing on entirely the wrong things.

I used to post lots, then all of a sudden I just quit posting. No real reason, just realised I didn't need to highlight my life.

There are also studies that people who are happier in life don't post as much as don't need validation.

I do wonder, however, if his mates may have taken the mick out of his lovey dovey posts and embarrassed him, so now he's a bit anxious (this is the reason I would think for him snapping about it, as a complete guess) or OP could have been given many answers but just chooses not to acknowledge.

The world doesn't need to know the day to day. Does he have you listed as his wife and any profile photo with you/kids to show he's not hiding you?

My partner NEVER acknowledges anything on social media.

Am I bothered ???
Absolutely not.

Simply because it's not important.
Is it just because you want the world and his mother to know he loves you ???

Because seriously, as long as he tells YOU.., nothing else matters.

Unless there's a backstory here, then this is a massive reach and I can understand why your DH is annoyed with you. You're fueling your own paranoia with his reaction to your pestering, it sounds very frustrating for him.

Neither I nor DH ever really post on SM anymore about anything, yes we will "like" the odd thing here and there and sometimes one or other will post a random pic. It kind of feels like a part of growing up just and having other priorities. We both posted in the early days of our relationship but we weren't far off being teenagers then.

I would stop questioning him on this particular issue.

I honestly think that those who waste their time on social media - unless they ise it for professional purposes - are losers.
Use your time on something productive.

It might be that there is something going on, that he’s hidden your posts or something. But if you aren’t posting much it might just be that you don’t come up on his feed when he is online and now you’re having a go at him and he’s defensive and annoyed because he hasn’t done anything and you’re seemingly upset that he isn’t validating your online life when he validates your real life all the time. Social media algorithms are not particularly conducive to good real life relationships.

What is he like other than online? Do you have reason to think he’s distancing himself from you?

And yet here you are, on social media.

I think more of us should follow your husband's example

Surely you are joking. No one could really be that daft?

Tbh i wouldn’t really describe mumsnet as social media. It’s more of an internet forum’ to share advice anonymously. So I think your comment is a bit unfair.

OP is questioning her DH’s sudden reluctance to do it, when he’s previously been active on SM. She also says they’ve been having issues in their relationship and that she feels as though he’s ‘hiding’ her on SM. I think she has a valid concern, because it could point to an affair or something else of concern.

😂The irony!

So ether he's not into social media anymore at all and therefore wouldn't be posting anything about you or anyone else which wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Dh doesn't do sm so we never post declarations but we are very happy.

Or he's still active on sm generally but doesn't post personal stuff anymore. Again reasonable some people prefer to be a bit more private

Or he is still using sm fully but omitting to post about you and kids. That would be a bit more suspicious to me. Why? Is he hiding something?

Also if you have asked for this as part of improving your relationship and he agreed but now says no I'd want to know why and a better explanation than because I don't want to.

I don’t count online forums as social media. Here people provide suport and exchange ideas. They don’t post personal photos to show off. What a bunch if losers.

Maybe you’re driving him nuts by repeatedly asking him to do something he doesn’t want to do? I used to be a big social media user and post my whole life then one day I just stopped, decided anyone close enough to me who cared what I was up to would just ask me. As for special occasions I always text a person who I want to wish a happy birthday etc so why do they need a public post as well? Is it supposed to mean more than the text and card I’ve already sent? If you’re having relationship issues him liking your photo on facebook won’t help that. I’d just drop the asking of use of social media and focus on other things

Honestly, the fact that you think that not engaging with social media is “daft” unfortunately shows how superficial our society is nowadays.
We have reached a point where when someone doesn’t have online presence we suspect that sth is wrong? I would think the opposite. A man engaging too much online is a loser to me and off my radar.

I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it.

So drop that issue and stop going on at him about it. Reminding him of your chat and poking him to do it for you must be extremely irritating. He doesn't want to so stop trying to force it. It's not important.

If you think he's having an affair then that is important but making him post on SM won't solve it. What else makes you think something's going on? Is there another reason not to trust him? If so, have that bigger conversation, with or without counselling to get to the heart of the issue. But this isn't the issue and won't help you.

This is an online forum. It’s not social media. You are getting confused.

You’re literally a (presumably) grown woman who posts prolifically and frequently about other people’s relationships on social media. Calling it ‘bullshit social media’ and OP’s caring about it ‘absolutely batshit’, and ‘fucking madness’ is either straight-up disingenuous unpleasantness or a complete lack of self-awareness or insight.

MN is not social media…..it’s an anonymous inline forum of people providing support to each other. You have lost the plot.

You’re not providing support to anyone nor looking for it, flower. You’re acting the goat to make yourself feel better about something that’s lacking for you. On social media.

Yes - it might not be an affair or a sudden conversion away from social media - but that he’s embarrassed if your posts are a bit over the top?

If he’s still commenting on other people’s posts but not yours, then he needs to say why. If he’s moving away from SM in general, it’s not a huge deal.

Then why are on this online forum? You receive no support, you provide no support, you cannot make online posts full of filters to show off and gather “likes” to inflate your fragile ego. Why are you here?