DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

Dear God leave the bloke alone
Im not one for gushing on FB about anniversaries, birthdays, mothers day etc it doesn't mean anything is up. You're begging him to do these things its pretty embarrassing and if he does it you still won't be happy as it'll only be because you've made him.

Yes I think that too.

My partner doesn't post gushing stuff about me on birthdays or valentines.

But he is happy to be tagged in a post saying "celebrating valentines by going to aldi" or whatever boring thing we do.

Ie happy to still show the world we are together, doing stuff.

So my concern is he is not wanting to show someone he is married (or making out he is separated). Hard to tell what's going on.

Is he not just bored with the platform you want him to interact on? DP and I don't really use certain platforms anymore for personal profiles, but still use things like YouTube.
Has the novelty not just worn off for him?

I think you’re being absolutely insane.

Look, take sock media out of it.

He's clearly not making you feel particularly special or cared about.

The question is, why is that.

Is he on social media and commenting on other posts still? But not yours?

Did he used to make nice posts about you OP?

Then he stopped?

And despite you asking for him to do it he has refused?

My DH gave up social media because he hated the idea of being observed etc. Very clearly deactivated his accounts.

Your situation is different.

Gut instinct is often right.
He's acting oddly. Change of behavior.
He dismissed your feelings.

You are allowed to be unsettled, upset etc.

Got to try and talk about it with him. He should understand how you feel, and he needs to express in a clear manner why he changed behaviour on there and dismissed your unease about it.

Hopefully not an affair, just sick of social media etc..but he needs to express it better!

Isn't the OP's point that he interacts with other people on social media, but not with her? So he is still using it.

OP, it kind of sounds like he has checked out of your relationship and you have hooked on to the social media aspect as a proxy for other things.

I hardly ever post on social media, some people don’t. Why is it important to you? It would drive me up the wall if someone told me to post on social media. It really isn’t that important.

Perhaps your husband has grown up and realises how ridiculous it is to be living his life through social media? My husband has never had a Facebook account or used an internet forum in his life, and he has absolutely no internet presence, and that's how we both like it. Most people I know would never dream of posting pictures of their children online or boring other people about them and maybe your husband has just realised that it's really unnecessary. It would drive me mad if someone kept trying to persuade me to interact with them if social media when I had decided not to do so. But it certainly wouldn't make me assume they were having an affair.

I’ve reread this post like 4 times and I still don’t see why there is criticism of the posters saying that this is batshit.

I think the change in behaviour statement is the red herring here.
obviously there are bigger, underlying problems. This should be discussed and you should maybe think about couples therapy but if my partner asked me to post more on social media and felt I should do it because ‚they asked me to‘ I’d be seriously considering either their mental health or the health of my relationship.
Social media is a waste of time around 90% of the time. A partner pulling away from it should be celebrated.
If this is the only change in behaviour then I would recommend you step away from SM yourself OP (you should anyway, FB is the pits)

This

This is not the cross to die on OP

You want more, he isn't going to give it.
People can be scathing about social media all they want (I can see where they are coming from) but basically you want to feel centred in his life, from both the point of view of his emotions and how he presents himself to the social world; and he isn't going to centre you.
You can't change this. You have asked for something and he has said no, because he doesn't want to.
It's over.

I agree too but I think you are either the type who uses SM or you are not so bit strange he suddenly stopped. Maybe he just grew up? I never understand how people find the time to do all that shit (mumsnet excepted of course).

There are a lot of jokes and skits around mocking couples sitting in the same house posting about each other on Social media and see it as performative and braggy. Maybe he's seen those and it's put him off?

Why do you care if he posts on social media??
Grow up!

Isn't the OP's point that he interacts with other people on social media, but not with her? So he is still using it.

That's being wilfully obtuse. He's married to the OP and lives with her. They interact plenty. Perhaps he uses SM to interact with people he doesn't live with and hence has more reason to interact with on SM.

Yep agree here!
Bonkers. I didn't post on fb for my DPs 40th birthday this year. Because we live together and he was sat right next to me!! It would've been very odd! 😂

In my experience, men post on social media to get something. For example, a single friend has a big instagram activity because he’s currently dating. It makes him look hot.
my DH posted a lot of pics of us at the beginning of the relationship as if to say “hello everyone look this is my new girlfriend”. He posted when we got married and when our first daughter was born. That’s about it. It’s to inform people and also show off a bit.
but now he’s “got” me and our kids, he doesn’t need to attain anything anymore, so he’s stopped. Now he’s focused on work and getting a nicer house, social media isn’t going to help with that.
maybe that helps to look at it pragmatically?
and in turn, ask yourself what are you trying to attain and what void are you trying to fill? How else could your DH fill it? Rather than by doing something he doesn’t want to do.
its a big mistake to try to manipulate him into it imho.

Are you 13? I’m struggling to understand how this would be an issue for an adult couple?!?!

I stopped posting stuff on social media about 2 years ago. I mostly just use it for the groups and messenger now. Dh has always just used his for work. Tbh I don't see the point in valentines day posts on facebook when you live in the same house, just say it to each other in person!

Op, do update us please with any developments or discoveries.

The social media thing is a small indicator of changed behaviour. Changed behaviour is always smthg to notice and observe.......

I took a year off Facebook and only came back because DD is pregnant and I wanted to look at some selling sites for baby stuff!

Didn't miss a minute of it! My husband did not bat an eye lid

It's not batshit. She obviously suspects he's having an affair and is trying to make out he's single, child free or living separate lives from his current partner.

This!
Also looking at what your husband has liked and stropping because he hasn't liked your posts is weird.
Maybe step back from sm for a while and focus on your relationship.