DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

What’s making me uneasy now is that we had a blip the year before and I felt like something was going on, but he promised me it wasn’t someone else and offered another explanation (which we worked through). I recall a message coming through on his phone from a girl whose name I didn’t recognise, again he offered what seemed a reasonable explanation; we both have male and female friends so I didn’t push on it.

Honestly, I don’t know. He has made some improvements regarding the finance issues.
The biggest thing for me has always been the communication because it impacts so many things. He has made some (inconsistent) improvement, which gives me a bit of hope, but I do feel like counselling is the only real chance we have of dealing with it. I feel like it will help me in some ways as well, I know I’m not perfect.

I hope you're ok op, take no notice of the people who don't have the intellegence to know what your post and real concerns are about.

Anyway, if I were to take a wild guess at the situation I would say your spidy senses last year may have something to do with this. Maybe he became entagled with someone who became a little too invested in him. He's clearly not ended your relationship so maybe he was cake eating and decided to end an overly full of herself friendship with an ow.

This would make sense closing down his SM regarding you, doing so not as to enflame the rejected ow.

Some people don't like being dumped, as for his reaction towards you it smacks of someone who has got away with doing so, half invested and not bothered about re connecting properly.

Watch your back op, I think you have a rival.

I hope not. Back then I just knew there was something going on but didn’t know what, and it came out that there was something (not cheating related).
With the text I mentioned, I only asked him about it because it was a name I didn’t recognise, he said it was “such a body” and I said “oh right”, and that was that.

I never thought there could be more to it. I just believed him.

The reality is, even if there was something I have no way of finding out unless by accident as I don’t have access to anything. So I just have to hope that he wouldn’t do something like that. But just have my wits about me after the SM niggle

What I'm saying is don't be gaslighted, by some on this thread and at home, deceitful people have their own agenda, I'm not saying your h is guilty just that your feelings are real.

Aknowledge that you are perfectly entitled to feel confused by his actions and responses, he has not reassured you about this sufficiently.

Keep your eyes open and do not minimise your own feelings.
Good luck x

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I know that there’s a reason I feel the way I do, I often sense when something is off. I just hope it’s “something and nothing”.

It’s been sad and quite hard to read here that so many have been in a similar situation and it was cheating. I’m trying to remain hopeful, without being a fool

Remember that algorithms play a part in things. I never "see" my DH on social media and it's because we don't interact with each other online so the algorithm doesn't share his content with me.

My content is full of Star Trek and feminism. I rarely see friends and family.

My DH will comment "did you see what X wrote on my post?" And I'll say "no - because you aren't part of my social feed 😆" I have to make a point of interacting with him to fool the algorithm.

I remind him to tag me in posts if he wants me to see it.

Could it be partly that? The algorithm?

Possibly, and he has said that he hasn’t seen things I’ve posted.
I think what stood out the most was that I tagged him in a couple of photos for his birthday but they aren’t on his page and got no acknowledgment, whereas all other birthday messages/photos did. He just said he doesn’t know why and that he mustn’t have seen it. But mutual friends liked/commented on it, surely he would have gotten notifications for them all.

I've set my Facebook up for high privacy and photos I'm tagged in don't get added to my feed until I give permission.

Sometimes I don't get notifications that I've been tagged and so don't add them to my feed or react to them.

Like PPs I'm not sure his use of social media is the real problem here and I think your unease is symptomatic of something else.

Perhaps you should unpick that a little but stay aware of things.

Why are you encouraging her to be paranoid? That won't help her at all. I hate how obsessed people on here are with cheating, it is absurd. Every time anyone posts about problems in a relationship people rush on to assume that there is an OW. That isn't always the case.

@MsLuxLisbon

I'm not encouraging paranoia, do you think anything I will post will make any difference, do you think if I say don't be silly everyone does this, acknowledges everyone on social media except their wives, do you think op or other posters would agree.

Op has her own mind, don't be so patronising to people's intellegence that her peace of mind can so easily be sought by a few there threre's or embarrasing her into thinking she's going crazy.

She's not.

But there is nothing to say that he has been cheating, just a lot of stuff about 'spidey senses' with nothing concrete to back it up. People on here say 'trust your gut' too much IMO. Sometimes people do get unjustly suspicious, and that is very damaging.

@MsLuxLisbon

There is evidence her husband has snubbed her, publicly.

Is there? I have to say I find her posts a bit confusing, but not posting on someone's wall is not 'snubbing' them. I think OP would be far better off focussing on the non social media aspects of her marriage, then the rest will fall into place. All these complicated scenarios involving other women that some posters have come up with are frankly bizarre.

agreed

it seems like there’s quite a bit to unpick with this marriage and the hurt the op feels about the SM issue is just one small part of it

Is there? I have to say I find her posts a bit confusing, but not posting on someone's wall is not 'snubbing' them.

Did you hear what the op said, that he's acknowledged other people on his birthday, but not his wife, he's now claiming a glitch in the system.

He's being evasive.

Maybe, maybe not. I think the OP should focus on the day to day of her relationship and forget the social media aspect. I also don't understand your post earlier about a 'full of herself other woman', in your scenario he had broken up with this hypothetical woman but was still hiding the OP on FB, which makes no sense whatsoever.