DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

Very few men in my life maintain a social media presence. Very normal imo. However if he pisted a lot and just stopped, either he's just lost the impetus for ut, or there's something going on in hus life that he wants to keep private.

I wouldn't nag him tho. I'd just watch and wait.

I used to post family stuff on social media. Now I don't any more.

I'm not hiding anything. I guess it's simply that social media used to have a novelty value for me, now I've got bored of it and moved on. I still post on MN but not on FB or instagram.

If I was told I should be posting, I'd have the same reaction as your DH. Stop asking him, OP!

I don't know why posters are piling on OP when she has clearly stated that she and her husband have been having ups and downs in their relationship lately. The social media aspect is not a standalone issue. OP has access to the bigger picture, and the change in her husband's behaviour seems to have relevance within the bigger picture, especially as he had no problem engaging with her posts before, and still has no problems engaging with his friends' posts. Maybe he's cutting back on social media, or maybe he's told someone that he's separated from OP. Could be anything inbetween. OP, if it was me, I'd back off and try to work on the other aspects of your relationship, and as other PPs have said, watch keenly and wait to see if any other reasons for this sudden reticence reveals itself.

I think people have cut do own on using social media generally. What was once seen as a platform to show friends and family events in your life, is now seen as slightly fake and needy.

However, I think this isn’t this issue. You feel your dh is no longer proud of you, or sees these events as important, or even that he has no sm presence because he could be up to nefarious activity . Has he changed in any other way?

I'm really sorry but your username is quite appropriate. Why do you need public validation from your husband? If you aren't getting it in real life him pretending is worthless. Why do you care that others think your relationship is all declarations of love? Look at the reality of your marriage rather than focusing on the fakeness that sometimes is social media.

Ah I remember my ex H having his twitter status/ description as something like ‘X Football Team is my life. End of’
I mildly pointed out it looked a bit odd for a father of three. He changed it to ‘X Football Team and my kids are my life.’
He was definitely air brushing out my existence as it was awkward for his affairs.

I stopped posting on SM a couple of years ago.
DH still posts. I don’t respond to, or even often look, at anyone’s posts. Nothing weird going on, just sick of the fakeness of it all. If you need a post on SM to signal to everyone that your relationship is hunky dory then that’s a bigger issue than him not posting tbh.

I don't know why posters are piling on OP when she has clearly stated that she and her husband have been having ups and downs in their relationship lately.

Well then that could be another good reason not to post happy platitudes about the relationship. If it's up and down, then posting a happy valentines status is particularly superficial. Again, the SM is at most a symptom, not the issue in itself. If OP is having downs with her husband, then that needs addressing in a much bigger way and the SM fixation won't help.

Hi OP

I think many pp are (purposely?) missing your point.

You were clear in your OP that sm isn't the central issue but have received lots of replies asking why it is, or berating you.

If we put the sm aside, I think you're asking whether MN thinks there is a possibility that your DH is disengaged or cheating.

My view is that if he's still interacting with friends but not you, when he did used to interact with you, then he may be doing either or both. POSSIBLY.

Definitely stop asking him about sm. He's given you his answer to that particular question. Take a bit of time to reflect and identify what has changed in your relationship.

Have other behaviours changed? Is DH out more? On phone more?
Do you go out together?

And so on...the sm thing might be a symptom, but you've explored it now.

I never comment on any one's social media.

My ex was exactly like you (note ex).

I also stopped posting on social media stuff about us as just felt I didn’t need to anymore after the initial stage, but he became offended to that and would make “jokes” about it (same as you), which became grating and I felt pressured to post just to please him.

You pressuring him will just continue to make it worse.

He sees you in person every day! Why would he need to converse with you via SM?

Frankly he’s to be commended for cutting back on putting his entire life story on line along with that of his kids.

And what do you think an internet forum is?

There’s a tv programme, Malcom in the middle, where the family have four sons. There’sa scene where they show the photo albums of each child. The oldest has ten full albums. The youngest has one empty one. It’s a thing. People spend less time recording events as they get older, usually because they get busier.

I think if he is on FB I would check if his status has changed from married to single then take it from there. You have to stop asking him about it until you get some back ground why you think he ignores your request.

Good for him. Neither of my sons (late 20s/early 30s) are active on FB any more. One has deactivated his account completely but neither has commented nor liked posts for a few years

No, YOU are pretending that an internet forum is not social media. Of course it is. They aren’t all the same. There’s a world of difference between Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, for example.

My DH stopped posting on SM about a year ago. Thanks to this thread, I now realise he is hiding something .

Or actually he just realised it was a waste of his time and is now doing other things. He still interacts with friends posts as he doesn't really have any other contact with them - which is obviously not the same as with me.

That said, if the relationship is having difficulties, I find it odd that OP would think that posting on social media is the missing answer ahead of anything else she might wish DH to do.

I'll preface this by saying that I'm in no way implying you've done anything wrong or need to change your behaviour.

If your relationship has been having some issues, do you think he's embarrassed of you or doesn't want to be associated with you? Kind of, 'I don't want my mates thinking I think that stupid meme's funny' or 'I don't want anyone to know I watched that shit Barbie film'.

I think most people have massively scaled back what they post on social media. We’re more or less over Facebook now as a platform for sharing, preferring closed WhatsApp or Messenger groups of friends or family. So, that in itself wouldn’t bother me, but there’s clearly something else going on which has your spidey senses tingling. What is it?

Is he still actively engaging and posting about everything else but leaving anything to do with you out? Did he used to engage with you a lot? If yes to those, then I would be concerned. Not because he isn't posting about you specifically but because it's a change in his behaviour (my dh has no social media but has always been this way so I'm not concerned). If your gut tells you he is hiding something then perhaps he is. Has he added any new colleagues or friends? Perhaps someone else he may find attractive and doesn't want them to think his relationship is happy?

If you mean he has stopped posting full stop then yabu. I used to post a lot in my younger years. Now I don't bother and actually most of my friends aren't even on my social media!

Do you need someone to post on sm in oder to validate your existance? I don't understand why you are so adamant that your dh posts about an 'occasion'.
Why such a problem he has stopped it?
If you want people to know you have both done an occasion so badly, take an ad in the newspaper

I completely stopped posting on social media one day, was a prolific user before that. It’s because I realised how extremely childish and narcissistic the whole “look at me, look at my perfect life, pay attention to what I post!” culture is. I never went back to it, sounds like your DH has realised the same and no longer wants to be involved with it.

Why do you need to have your life all over social media?

My ex DP was never huge on it, but did used to post. By the end of our relationship it would be n absolute rarity for him to post. He was active on SM every day browsing, but never posted. It didn’t bother me.

Current DP loves to take photos, and he will post all sorts on there. Also fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is there actually a reason you’re doubting him, as just wanting him to brag about you online doesn’t seem the right reason to feel insecure somehow….

I don't know anyone who posts like that any longer. He has told you he's not into it anymore, which would mean that if he did it, it would be wholly performative and insincere. That's not what you want, surely?