Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

I’m sorry. It sounds like you were the rebound whilst they were split up. The only thing you can do now is make sure he helps pay and assist in his son’s life that way. And try to move on.

Yes but I didn't realise that at all. I was told subsequently that they had a toxic on off relationship but he told me they were totally over and seemed to throw himself into our relationship. I did ask about the ex but he really minimised it all.

Even with the money he's not giving me anything, while he pays for a wedding! It's hard to enforce since he's in another country.

I just feel sad and need to get out the other side. The break up was really traumatic but I do feel like I'm in a much better place. The news about the wedding just has made me down again.

If he’s in a REMO country claim for child maintenance that way. He is a sick but completely understandable why you feel sad x

Loves his child but hasn't bothered to see him in person once?

That's an interesting type of love.

He sounds rather disordered.

He certainly lives his life on x4 speed, he's a "cliff diver". Id be skeptical about his marriage lasting.

Get your cm if the country he's in has reciprocal arrangements.
Try to get a reliable, responsible baby sitter so you can date etc if you want to.

You also need to have strong boundaries in place to stop him from diving in and out of your child's life, destabilising them. He sounds very rash.

Ahh that sounds so hard. I don’t have any advice but sending you a big hug. He’s a shit but your son is lucky to have you xxx

It's hard to enforce since he's in another country.

There is information on reciprocal cm arrangements with a list of countries online.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together

How long were you seeing each other at the point?

He's getting married very quickly, given they were broken up (for how long?) he was talking marriage with another woman, and not using contraception with another woman ... I'd say part of the reason they're marrying so fast is to try to offset (in their minds) the fact that he had a child with another woman. "Oh he may have gotten into another relationship and had a baby with another woman, but it doesn't matter/their relationship is so serious - I mean, theyre married". They're fools.

Or there's a visa angle.

That's possible.

I don't want to go into details but it's not possible to enforce for the time being. Might be in a few years. I have mentioned to him about money as I lost my job so living off savings currently.

Sounds like a real catch. The ex wants her head looking at.

Imagine being married to an idiot like this man. He doesn’t sound like much of a prize to me. Not even seen his baby - what a massive loser.

He claims he loves his child but doesn't pay any CM and hasn't even responded to hearing you've lost your job by offering to pay & make arrangements between you??

So he "loves" a child he hasn't met, doesn't see (in person), and isn't paying anything towards - in spite of the Mum losing her job.

This dude is not right in the head.

You shouldn't be living off savings ...unless you exceed some benchmark for UC.

You should be getting UC.

Is this the guy you were with for 6 months, then he left you pretty much as soon as you were pregnant to go back to his home country?

You’ve dodged a bullet, tbh. He doesn’t sound like he’s a decent dad either

She's clearly one of those stupid bitches who, when "her" man has a child with another woman ...just wants it all to conveniently go away.
Op will be recast as a woman who tried to "trap" him. He thought she was using reliable contraception etc.

She takes his total lack of involvement as a sign of his loyalty to her and their relationship, instead of the sign of his lower than low integrity that it is.

She'll probably rush into having kids by him too. To further shunt to the side the inconvenient fact that he's already fathered a child by another woman.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. What a loser. You’ve definitely dodged a bullet though.

there must be ways you can pursue him financially though. If you have the energy.

He’s horrible op and he is showing his true colours. Try and think of it as a sliding doors moment. You have got the better option here. He won’t last with his ex.

if it was last perfect between them why did they split up before ?? I’d give it a year. By that stage you will have re built your own life. Saying that I cannot imagine the pain and betrayal you feel.

@Xenoi24 yes a lot of it has to do with that. They broke up because she was insecure and controlling and it's got 10x worse since they got back together. Apparently her female relatives aren't allowed to visit in case they turn his head. He told me before that she always demands more and more of him. Now he's got a child with me it's definitely a case of trying to show/prove how in love they are to me and everyone else.

For example he asked to do a videocall with my son. They were naked and in bed together! Felt like the purpose of the call was to show me that rather than to actually see his son.

I'm sure they'll find a way to make sure I see the wedding photos even if I've blocked them on social media. When I speak to him on his own occasionally he's nice to me but think he just does what he's told.

Yes that's right. Now they've moved to the US but are living there illegally.

I know he's not a catch.

I guess I'm mourning more the person and dream I thought existed and didn't. Does that make sense?

I'd really have loved to have had a loving husband and had a growing family together. Instead I'm just dipping my toe into dating a single mum which is really challenging for so many reasons. It makes me feel resentful that he's getting married.

His life sounds like a bit of a car crash tbh. Presumably because he loves his son so much he wants him at the wedding?

Now they've moved to the US but are living there illegally.

Probably something to do with their wedding (?)

They are both there illegally?!

The suit each other, don't they.

Anyway you can focus on her behaviour but the fact is that there is something about their dysfunctional, codependent relationship that suits him, that is what he wants.

Otherwise he'd never have gotten back together with her, he'd never have stayed back together with her (esp when he discovered his ex was having his child), relocated with her, now marrying her.

He can say she's insecure and controlling and paranoid etc etc But he's choosing her. He's choosing to be with her. He's choosing to commit further to her. He's an adult man, a free individual and these are his choices.

They don't even have any kids together yet. He was a free agent in that regard and he chose to go back to her and stay with her.

He's also choosing to not even see his child in person, for whatever reasons.

He hasn't even bothered to tell me he's getting married, although this week he's been asking for forgiveness for the past. I think he's a coward.

I told him of he's really sorry he should be kinder to me and try much harder with his son which he said he would but who knows.

Why are you letting him treat you like this? He does not contribute anything to your life.
if he wants to see his son let him go through the courts then you might get some maintenance.

Yes I know all of that. I never debated it. I just came here to vent that I feel sad. Thanks for rubbing it in 😅.

BTW he knew I was pregnant when he left me.

It makes me feel resentful that he's getting married.

In a codependent, dysfunctional relationship (where she won't allow female relatives to visit in case he's attracted to them).- he's got a child with an ex/she's not the mother of his first child, and they're living illegally in a country with Draconian immigration and law standards.

Yeah, sounds like a dream wedding.

You just seem to be focusing on her and seeing her as some kind of puppet master and him a victim (?)

Well, you said he's a coward .... And that is true.
But he also lacks integrity.
He has a child, whether planned or not, and no decent parent or person would ever not see them, or pay for them, regardless.

6 months was early to be talking marriage and not cast-ironing your contraception, with a man on the rebound from a serious relationship. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out but things a lot more solid and long-term etc don't work out so ...

Be glad you're not in a fucked up relationship like theirs and can find a decent relationship.

@Xenoi24 thank you yes you're right.

I shouldn't be thinking about their relationship at all tbh. He does things like post WhatsApp stories she's created on tiktok of them frolicking about in fields and kissing and put his whatsapp photo or them kissing. I'm sure it's posted so I can see it as its the only place I haven't blocked him. I don't want to seem like I care but it does hurt.

I'm also sure it's not what it looks like in photos - I just need to stay strong and focus on my own life.