Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

Can I specifically ask him not to put photos of them as his WhatsApp profile pic or does that sound pathetic?

I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing that a wedding pic would upset you.

It's time to toughen up about him. He ended your relationship and even if he ever wanted back, he is the last person you should ever have back.

Why get upset about a photo of a farce anyway. She's just his latest meal.ticket. I think he's marrying her because otherwise her family and extended family - the ones who are no doubt providing them with everything in the US from accommodation, to work, to guidance re. getting their green cards - won't take him fully under their wing unless they think he's a proper member of the family. Maybe they think it'll help their immigration application too - being a married couple with her two daughters.

@Xenoi24 thank you that's exactly it. A lot of them are really nice and kind people and they messaging me to ask how I was getting on, my pregnancy and take an interest in the baby meant a lot and made me feel less crazy and like my baby is really loved by his paternal family. We generally spoke little about him specifically and I avoided criticising him or divulging personal stuff.

There are a few younger ones who caused some issues by stirring between me and him initially, but he's chosen to distance himself from all of his family apart from his mum and even they are less close now. I think there was this perception that they chose me and my son over him and he's been very defensive about criticism levelled at him and his partner.

He even complained about his mum and sister posting photos of our son on Facebook- apparently initially because his partner didn't like it. My impression is that she uses any excuse to get him to alienate himself from people apart from her troop.

He was very close to his family before all of this and I feel sorry it drove a wedge between them. I think he could have handled it much better for a different outcome.

If I saw a couple getting married and somehow found out he actually had a 7 month old baby with another woman he'd left while pregnant, I'd think his wife-to-be was insane, he was an utter shit, that he moves faster than the speed of light, is flakier than - well, a flake , and that there's something not quite right about the whole shebang.

Why get upset about such a farce?

It's not even legal anyway, is it. Someone said their embassy would recognise it, but would they really - for illegal immigrants? Does Columbia even have a visitor visa for the US that they could claim to be there under?
I doubt it will even be recognised or recorded by the Colombian embassy.. it's a religious ceremony, not a legal one. It may be pretty much meaningless.

But he knows it'll please her and give him the appearance of being her husband in front of the family he's now completely dependant on (until he finds another meal ticket of course).

I feel sorry it drove a wedge between them

I wouldn't.

His behaviour has been despicable.

He's shown his true colours and he can see what people think of him.

Her family must have doubts too.

Another reason him and her are getting hitched .... But they're trying to polish a turd.

@Xenoi24 Why get upset about a photo of a farce anyway. She's just his latest meal.ticket.

I do actually think he loves her. I do agree that he seemed to go off me when he realised the UK was complicated and it'd be a long winded thing, but they only planned to move to the US fairly recently after their options over there ran out. He tried to make a lot work and basically got them into more and more debt. Originally they only planned to go short term to the US as the ExH didn't let her bring the kids at first.

However from what I know he does love her. I think what happened is that he liked the idea of being with me but all along harboured feelings for her - he told me in the end that he thought would go away and they didn't. I found out in Jan that he cheated on me before I visited in Dec and I found messages to her saying how much he missed her (she had repeatedly ignored them). Was really devastating as I was already pregnant and it could have been avoided. That said I wouldn't have had my lovely son!!

There were parts of their relationship that he didn't like but he likes that she's the house wife type that does absolutely everything for him and at the same time lets him be the man of the house/control the money. Those specific things I made clear were not going to be me and he didn't like that.

He even complained about his mum and sister posting photos of our son on Facebook- apparently initially because his partner didn't like it.

Their grandson/nephew, his first child ... And she wants them to pretend he doesn't exist.

I have a feeling ages going to be fucked over by him in future too, but it's very hard to feel any sympathy for her.

Thanks for pointing this out. Yes it is making me feel better. I feel like I shouldn't have to rubbish their wedding to make myself feel better but actually it is a shit situation and he treated me so badly and I think everyone does think it's a farce hence why he's so angry and defensive.

There are big cultural differences there.

(And yeah, they are more compatible/he may be happy with her because they share that culture).

And I can't say they are positive ones for women.

I think you dodged a bullet.

He's in charge of the money but he sounds shit at it. Not exactly what you want in a marriage/household with two dependants..

I found out in Jan that he cheated on me before I visited in Dec and I found messages to her saying how much he missed her (she had repeatedly ignored them). Was really devastating as I was already pregnant and it could have been avoided. That said I wouldn't have had my lovely son!!

He can change his feelings/realise his feelings/want out of a relationship - that's anyone's perogative ....but it sounds like he cheated on you and continued risking pregnancy with you after cheating on you and having mixed feelings; which is despicable, immoral, risk taking, rresponsible, cruel, etc behaviour.

That's his character... And I doubt it'll change. Which is why I think there's a chance he'll fuck her over too, even if he (currently) thinks he loves her.

(Also he may have a child with you but, presuming she can't reverse her op, I'm finding it hard to imagine him permanently giving up the chance to have any further kids of his own by staying with her. Young men mat think they don't care about that but tend to change their mind when they get older).

@Xenoi24 He can change his feelings/realise his feelings/want out of a relationship - that's anyone's perogative ....but it sounds like he cheated on you and continued risking pregnancy with you after cheating on you and having mixed feelings; which is despicable, immoral, risk taking, irresponsible, cruel, etc behaviour.

Thats exactly it. Why continue with the plan after cheating? I had a feeling something was up (change in behaviour and all that) and called him and said I felt like something was up and also if he'd changed his mind that's fine but he sent me all these messages instead reassuring me that things were great and that I should still come to Colombia/continue with the plan.

Your ex and his current squeeze sound like a pair of lunatics.

Cut contact and move on. You and your son are better off without either of them in your life.

He is an absolute prick!
My Dad did similar to my mum and she cut him out of her life as he was a two timer and unreliable.
I don't blame her as getting dicked about by your dad is head wrecking.

She met my step dad and lived happy ever after. I met my dad 28 years later and he was still a tight, lying head wrecker.

I am so sorry he fed you lies and is a shit father but really I would block him out of your life as he will only get worse and you it you son wont know where you stand.

Don't let being a sjngle mum stop you, she had loads of offers but was really choosy for her kids sake.

Block him and Fu€k him off. The pair if them are toxic 💘💘💘💘💘

@Xenoi24 you refer to him being young, he's 29 so not that young although younger than both me and his partner.

His family referred to him as being immature though. They mentioned how he doesn't stick at things. I think he feels he's proved everyone wrong by ending up in the US and that he's now successful.

Does his parents know they have a grandchild? I'm sure they would want to know.

I've just had a look at some Colombian legal stuff about child maintenance. The sanctions for not paying can be quite dire, including not allowing you to travel outside the country.

Personally I think you are well rid but I would be tempted to play about. But that's me, I'm not always a good person.

Can I specifically ask him not to put photos of them as his WhatsApp profile pic or does that sound pathetic?

Yes that would be pathetic.
This isn't healthy. You are obsessed. No one should be encouraging you to carry on like you are.
Are you able to look at any of this objectively or is your only interest engaging with this man as much as possible?
Do you think how you are behaving is healthy? Do you think contact with this man will benefit you or your child in any way?
Why did you remain on that facetime call for 8 minutes?! Anyone with a sliver of self respect would have said it wasn't appropriate and to schedule another call.
No one can help you when all you want is validation that dedicating your life to the morsels he throws at you is ok.
I hope you wake up one day and concentrate on making the best life for you and your baby instead of clinging on to the hope that he will come back to you because thats what all of this is about. Good luck.

I think he feels he's proved everyone wrong by ending up in the US and that he's now successful.

He went there on someone else's coat tails.

He's using a woman (and her family) to go there and stay there.; Which seems to be a habit of his.

I think he partly latched into you and went all in with you in the UK to set him up.

You said when he tried to set them up in Colombia - it didn't work and he got them into more and more debt.

He's incompetent and flakey on top of everything else. He actually comes across as a bit dumb.

He's the opposite of a man with integrity, and able to look after himself and his partner and family.

He hasn't even paid towards his own child ... You, your family and the state pay on his behalf.

You dodged a bullet, and part of the reason he left you was that he wants a "traditional", unequal relationship on top of all that.

I also don't how he's successful - he's illegal there, who knows how it will pan out. I also don't know how he's successful that he "can't" pay a dollar towards his child.

You're far too invested in their lives and what is and isn't going on in their relationship. He doesn't give you maintenance, won't be visiting your son and forging a real relationship anytime soon and you say he's disrespectful to you. So why are you even entertaining any contact with him, when it's clearly affecting you and preventing you moving on. Block his WhatsApp. If he wants to contact or call you he can do so via normal methods and then you don't have to see them in bed again. If he wants a video call with your child and you want to allow this I'd get a family member you live with to do it and leave the room.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet as I can't see one positive about him. Willing to live illegally, disrespectful to you, cheated on you, has no contact with alot of his family, wants a little housewife whilst he rules the roost like it's the 1950s and his new partners family thinks he's only with women for the financial benefit. Personally, I wouldn't want someone like that who can't provide financially, have physical contact and sounds like a bad influence, having anything to do with my child.

This guy is a disaster area and you need to detach emotionally from this.

I know it's been a very fast timeline and you're trying to come to terms with it all, but I still think you very much have the rose tinted glasses on and are still emotionally caught up - thinking about "losing" the dream set up.

But the dream set up was never there and was never going to be there. He was just an immature, disordered, rash, person "cliff diver" then cheater, and someone doing the reprehensible thing of continuing to risk pregnancy even after cheating and knowing his feelings were changed (or changing). He's a shit partner & person, and at 29 his shittiness and flakiness has many years to run.

And as for his "fiancee" - she's already a single Mum to two children, she's got back together with him even though he left her, more or less immediately got into a serious relationship with a other woman, cheated on the other woman with her, continued to risk pregnancy with the other woman, got the other woman pregnant, left the other woman pregnant, returned to their country, very quickly proposed to her, couldn't support them financially, hasn't paid a penny towards his child with his ex, clung on her coat tails to emigrate (illegally), she's there illegally, she's encouraged her sister and daughter to come in illegally and sites marrying him. When he has a baby with his ex who's only 7 months old.
She accepts a traditional relationship, even though he's incompetent.

Do you think she's wise, self respecting, careful, skeptical, responsible, well adjusted??

There are a pair of lunatics, as someone said.

Why are you getting upset about their latest farce?

You are above this.

Yes they know. His mum messages frequently to ask about my son. It's her 2nd grandchild, first grandson and he looks a lot like her son.

The thing is I didn't put him on the birth certificate as I didn't want any custody issues- well that and that he wasn't there. If I fight for CM then it means I'm admitting it's his son and if we visit either the US or Colombia then potentially he could try and stop us leaving.

I know a lot of you are saying in the US he has no rights but I've been doing some reading and in the US undocumented migrants (illegal is offensive there apparently) can work and have access to certain things and have rights. They can get married too. The UK is much stricter and the approach is totally different. So yes think it's much better for them. The big issue is medical care but the State where they are offers a lot of community programs to plug the gaps.

@Iaskedyouthrice I definitely don't want him back. I don't think I would have ever accepted him back. Apart from the cheating and lying he just wasn't a good partner to me in the end. Even if there's this part of me that clings to the ideal of a happy family I know it's another universe sort of thing. By the time he went home I wanted him to go.

I guess the happy family thing has led me to stay in contact despite everything because I thought it was important that my son didn't feel like his father didn't want him. However I stopped reaching out a while ago. It's him that says he wants contact now.

That said I don't want to see the wedding pictures because it will hurt. I try to not care but only just over a year ago we were talking about us getting married and I've spent that time pregnant/with his newborn so it's not like I can totally move on.

You are right that I'm too focused on their lives. I guess I've been following things because I have this sense of not wanting any undesired surprises but I think I need to extract myself and focus more on my life again. I'm currently making sure he's blocked on everything so I don't see anything, apart from WhatsApp.

Thanks for the suggestion for getting a family member to do the call. Issue us he only speaks Spanish and none of my family do but I wondered about getting one of them to join me as I think he'd think twice about doing something like that with my mum or dad there. I think that's a good idea overall. Also I thought about getting him to WhatsApp my dad instead of me to again avoid the same thing and avoid them attempting to put stuff in my face.

The only positive thing is that he's really good with kids in general and loves them. He was lovely with my nephew when he met him and I think he would be good with his son. But the contact is likely to be pretty scarce overall so unlikely to make much of an impact.

Just block him and be done
he isn’t a good partner or dad. He has made it clear he won’t be a dad any time soon. Your son is not getting anything from seeing him naked with his fiancé in bed on FT once every few weeks. So this contact isn’t for him.
make a new email address, give him the contact details for it. And he can contact you there if he needs to. Just use it for communication with him. Keep communication to exactly what your son is doing. Check it once or twice a week maximum. Send one email when you check it. Only discuss your son, and nothing about your own life etc. Block him on all other communication.

You logically understand why you feel this way, that you’re projecting some of the issues and focus using on her a bit too much, you can see there were and are red flags, so you get it all, you just need time and space to process it. Then move on. Work on yourself and maybe you’ll find a good role model and father figure to your son in the future and the ‘dream’ of a happy family that you wanted doesn’t have to be gone, he’s just not the route to it.

How is he good with children if he's abandoned his own child? He's never met his child, never financially supported his child, is emotionally abusive to his child's mother, has FaceTime called his baby while naked in bed with another woman in some weird point scoring exercise, how is he good with his child? Playing Lego with some random (to him) child for an afternoon is not being good with kids, being a good parent involves being active, reliable and present for the child, not a continent away marrying someone to financially gain from them. If this bloke showed up on your doorstep tomorrow you would give him the world and then argue that your were doing it for your child's sake, not your own.

Block him on Whatsapp and be done with him. It is mentally unhealthy for you to keep obsessing about him in the hope that "one day" he might want a relationship with your child. He won't. He didn't love you and he doesn't love your child. He's maintaining contact in order to keep his options open if the US doesn't work out.

He was using you for immigration reasons and chose the other women because she, through her family connections, offered him a better deal. It's that simple and that horrible. He is not worth another second of your time. You only have one life, OP, don't waste any more time on this immature, self-centered user.