Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

He sounds like an absolute asshole. It is not really helping you move on by speaking to him. There is no need for you to facilitate FaceTime calls so they can set up some ridiculous situation to try to make you feel bad. Block him! What’s he going to do?! He has left the country and never met his son and pays nothing. You will so much better without him intruding in on your life occasionally to pretend he lives his son and make you feel bad.

Well yeah I’d be turning them in.

Then he can get his arse back to the UK, get a job and pay for his child.

Yes pretty sure he made it out to be totally unplanned even though it was and he even got fertility tests done!

She's got older children and had her tubes tied and said she wouldn't have more but apparently changed her mind after hearing I was pregnant. Not sure how feasible it would be though since she's mid 30s but I have always been prepared that that might happen and then it'll be all about how much he loves his kids suddenly.

That's why I am reluctant to go no contact as I feel like I'm giving into her wanting him to not be in contact. And then he'll make out that it's because I never reach out.

He's not from the UK - prob more likely to get support from the US than if he moves to his home country.

I totally understand why you are feeling sad. It’s the idea of that close family unit and life together you are mourning. There is nothing unusual or wrong about your feelings. But I promise that in time, you will realise you had a lucky escape.

Being married to a man who claims to love his child but has never met him and makes no effort to provide for him would be awful. He is selfish and immature, and selfish and immature men don’t make good husbands/partners. Those qualities don’t make good fathers either. So please don’t think he or things would be different if you were together because he would fall so short of what you dream of, that you’d be feeling the same but it would be even worse because he’d be there, dragging you down. You can do better. You will do better.

Best of luck, OP.

Block him and move on with your life OP. He seems like a waste of space. Hasn’t seen his son for 7 months? Not contributing to raising his son bc of a wedding. There’s always excuses but ultimately if he wanted to - he would. Your son deserves better, not saying it’s easy but close the door and in time youll get so much clarity over the situation.

Does the US not have reciprocal CM arrangements with the UK?
You can't apply because he's there illegally, I presume.

Well I'd gather any information you can get whatsoever and report him to immigration.

What's his home country? He'll be forced back there and then you can get CM if he works.

Maybe he'll try to work illegally, or go elsewhere againu, but I sure as fk wouldn't be making it easy for him.

He hasn't seen your child in person or paid a penny towards them so what difference will it make?! Trying to play nice and facilitating video calls has got you nowhere. He's not paid anything, even when you presumably told him you lost your job.

(And they've just used it as an opportunity to exercise their toxic bond by trying to taunt you).

If you think keeping him sweet/being civil is going to make him be a good father in future . I'd be very skeptical about that, given his/their behaviour to date.

If they have kids, do you think she's going to ever facilitate him seeing your child or 'taking" money from hers to pay for yours?

You shouldn't be having to spend your life savings on your - your plural - child.

Maybe you'll never get any money out of him but I sure as fk wouldn't be letting him waltz off without a challenge to what he's done and continues to do.

He fathered a child, he has a moral and legal duty to - at the very least - financially support them.

If they want to continue their fucked up bonnie & Clyde/Mickey & Mallory routine, that's their perogative. They sound trashy, messy and dysfunctional. I'd be glad you have nothing - except whatever cm you can get out of him - to do with them.

You, on the other hand, can focus on creating a nice life with your child and hopefully meeting a much better person - carefully vetted - in time. And there is no time pressure, unlike for many women, vecayyou already have your child.

Sorry, one other thing OP. I would take with a pinch of salt the stuff about his girlfriend’s behaviour. He told you those things and frankly, they may not be true. He sounds like he might be the sort of person to try to play women off one another. Don’t take it at face value.

That’s a shame.

I know people who live in a different country to their children (and I was such a child myself). There’s little to no relationship with the absent parent. You can’t develop this from a video call every so often and maybe 2 weeks in person every year or so. It really is his loss.

Tough few years for you as a single parent, really the only parent, but children know pretty quickly who they can rely on. You won’t always be alone x

At first I did take all that with a pinch of salt but then his family and friends have told me a lot too. People know what he did and felt very bad for me. He's become estranged from his family somewhat since getting back with her.

prob more likely to get support from the US than if he moves to his home country.

So you're hoping he gets a green card and then you can apply for CM?

If he does anything (for work) that could get him a green card of some type, he'd have applied already under that category.

It could be a long wait.

Or is he going to apply under some refugee status? Being there illegally, with a partner who is there illegally, is not exactly going to facilitate that.

I would get tough OP

No more video calls, contact, until he starts sending you regular money for his son.

Send an email address when he wants to talk seriously and block him on WhatsApp as well

You’re focusing a lot on not letting her “win” if you go no contact - don’t think about how she feels about anything. At all. Focus on how that will make you feel. It’s not a competition (although it sounds like she’s trying to make you feel like it is). Clinging on to contact isn’t some kind of victory.

Don’t facilitate contact unless he is paying proper CM. If he wants to be in contact with his son, he has to contribute.

He asks if you can have a video call? “Sure! We can set up a time when the CM money hits my account.”

If he doesn’t, no contact. You might worry that she’s “won”, but it’ll be one of 3 things. Either he’ll be miserable and take it out on her (no man like this will ever blame himself), or he’ll pay up, or he’ll not care, in which case he was never going to care and you’ve lost absolutely nothing.

If he gets nasty and accuses you of keeping his son from him: “Not at all, you’re welcome to contribute and be part of his life any time. Looking forward to hearing when the arrangements for CM have been made.”

I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

I appreciate the ideas with CM but I don't really want to focus on the financial side 🙂.

I don't have a job but I was well paid, have savings and own a house which I'm currently renting out while living with family. I'm also looking for a new job.

There's a severe recession in his home country and he had no work for 6 months. People have left in droves for the US hoping to make some money before Trump possibly kicks them out so he's there with her extended family.

He's always going to be on a low wage and fighting him to pay me what would prob make very little difference to us doesn't seem worth it especially while he's working illegally.

I've already asked him to pay a certain amount which he said he will. If I get it I'll see it as a bonus.

I'm more concerned on the emotional impact of everything. Him not attempting to help is hurtful but also not the biggest issue IMO.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and it’s not wonder you feel upset!

But the best thing you can do is go no contact and delete him off all SM.

Seeing his ‘happy’ life is not going to make you feel better.

You are already a single parent and he does nothing for you or your child, so stop allowing him to act like he’s a part of his child’s life when in reality he’s not.
If he wants to be involved, he would be.

I spent way too many years being too accessible for my ex because I thought it was best for my child to keep the lines of communication open and so he could never say I stopped him.
I wish I didn’t bother.

He’s moved to another country, doesn’t help financially and hasn’t even visited his own child!
Fuck him off and block and delete without telling him.

Does he know your address?
If so, he can still contact you if he wants to and you can tell him that until he starts acting like a dad you’re not going to have any contact with him.

Having any sort of contact with him is not beneficial for you or your child.

I think you need to work on yourself going forward. Six months with anyone was far far too soon to be making commitments like marriage and DC, especially when he'd clearly just left a long term relationship.
Block them on everything and get on with your life. If he wants future contact, make him work hard to be able to do it, rather than you chasing.
If he loved his son he wouldn't have moved, would be a hands on 50/50 parent and/or paying child maintenance. In what way is he demonstrating his love?
You can blame his fiancée all you want and hate her but it's only harming you. I'd suggest counselling to allow you to be the amazing solo parent your son needs. His DF is a waste of energy.

Honestly I would be holding a parade to celebrate the fact I was rid of this bloke. You own a home that you now rent out, you're lucky enough to be able to live with family and have their support for you and the baby, you are job hunting for new opportunities, you are rid of this head wreck and his nutter missus, what is there to be down about? She is not winning, neither is he, they are just two dysfunctional people drowning in each other's madness. Enjoy your life free of them, enjoy your DC, enjoy the fact this pair are not even in the same continent as you so his wife won't be playing mum to your child every other weekend to prove a point that she "won" in some one sided competition. Set up an email account that is used for sharing information about your DC if you must, then block him and his family on all other means of contact. You don't need any of these people dragging you down, his family may feel this woman is awful but he decided to be with her, and they don't need to tell you any of those details. Block and move on from all of them with your lovely baby.

@Bunny44 why the hell are you still in contact? he doesnt give a rats piss for you or his child so I would go no contact and move so he cant find you. you deserve happiness with your son. It might be tough for a few years financially and emotionally but you will manage without him. you have managed through the worst bit alone! block him on everything and make yourself private. that means facebook and whatsapp and anything else as well as phone.

I hope he’s not on the birth certificate. Sounds like you’re infinitely better off alone. Make sure you’re claiming all the state support that you’re entitled to,

Do not ever let him have access to your child’s passport.

No he's not and only has my name. I'm not really entitled to much due to savings.

Block them both on everything and have nothing to do with him unless it's about child maintenance. I wouldn't worry about meeting anyone else atm your only priority is creating a good life for your son who needs you to make excellent decisions from this point onwards.

I think it's easy to judge from the outside but honestly I'm not usually the sort to jump into things. That said I'm mid 30s and I think you expect things to move faster around now. You can't exactly wait 5 years... their relationship was only a year so it wasn't that much longer than ours all in all! He made out it wasn't that serious and was completely over. Maybe it was initially... who knows!

I'm sure he's downplayed our relationship to her as well.

I think people talk about timings but some relationships are more intense and move quicker than others. Sometimes they work out. Sometimes people are together 10 years and still break up.

He sounds like utter scum. Totally untrustworthy, unstable and just a lover in every objective way.
Block him on everything. Remove the temptation to see his life unfolding. They both sound vile.
You will never know the truth. Just a glossy sm version that will hurt you and prevent you moving on.

What an arsehole. Of course you feel upset! Be kind to yourself. One day you’ll look back on this and think of it as the best thing that ever happened to you. 💜

Why are you still in touch with this man? He could not make it any clearer that he doesn't care about you or his child.
When he answered the facetime naked, in bed with his fiancé, how did you respond?
Clinging on only hurts you and your baby and clinging on is exactly what you are doing. There is zero need to be in touch with him. Block him on EVERYTHING. You were the rebound, despite his exes craziness 🙄 he is with her and no amount of you trying to lure him with his child will get him to leave. Men like this do not give a shit.
Just stop. Step back and reflect on why you seem to be so focused on what him and her are doing. They do not matter. Block and move on and do not inflict this kind of 'father' on to your child.