Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

Op you probably have some idealised notion of your child having to know their father etc

Yes you're right I do. My dad is amazing and my parents are about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. I was looking for something similar I guess.

Back on you having to date as a single Mum while he's getting married;

He's marrying a single Mum.

He's marrying someone he can't have his own kids with (I have no idea of the success of tube tying reversal, if she even does that).

He'll automatic have two step daughters.

They're all illegal in the US. Very undesirable position to be in.

She's apparently extremely controlling and insecure and volatile. Which won't have been helped by him impregnating another woman while in the UK for a few months.

Hardly an uncomplicated, ideal situation, is it.

I actually think he'll dump her sooner or later too. Probably when he gets what he wants out of the situation.

Her contacts/prospects (in the US etc) were more desirable to him - for whatever reasons - when he left you. But he could get disallusioned with that set up too, and he'll probably jump to the next situation.

@Xenoi24 funnily enough a member of her family contacted me a few months back and basically said her family all think he's bad news and that he uses his partner/women in general financially. They also apparently knew about him getting me pregnant and leaving me and they were unhappy she'd accepted him back. The lady said she thought I was well shot of him.

I also wondered about this whole plan between them thing but think it's unlikely for a few reasons:
-My ex introduced me to his whole family, like 100s of them when I went there at Christmas. He went out of his way to introduce me to everyone. I don't think he'd have done that if he really thought it wouldn't work out as it made things awkward for him afterwards.
-I think if she's really that jealous she wouldn't have let him go off with someone else.

@Xenoi24 That contact is only acceptable to her if she feels he's demonstrating repeatedly and brutally (like the video call) that the contact is only for a relationship with his child, and not you.

This is a really key bit as that's exactly what it feels like. My parents were furious when they heard he did this as they said it felt like they were laughing at me and he isn't a good role model at all.

I should mention it wasn't like that all along. He used to refer to me affectionately at first and told me how nice I looked pregnant etc, I didn't really react though. Now mostly he's not very nice to me and disrespectful. He talks to me as if I've done something wrong, which I've challenged as I don't think it's fair. You're right - I don't know why I bother!

He's not bothered to see his baby once since his birth and doesn't support him financially at all? Why on earth are you even in contact with him? He's an absolutely useless waste of space. Stop obsessing about what's going on in his life and relationship OP. Move on with your life and put him out of your mind. Don't talk about him, think about him or have any contact with him or his family. You deserve better and so does your son 💐

I'd imagine the wedding is because they think it might improve their immigration application chances (if they're a married couple) and/or that they want to look serious/respectable/committed to her family. He perhaps won't be taken fully into the fold and benefit from their help in the US until he's demonstrated commitment and become a proper member of the family in their eyes.

He'll probably move on when he's got what he wants/needs out of her in the slightly longer term.

I'd really not be thinking "I'm left a single Mum and he's getting married!" .... The dude is a bit of a disaster area and this wedding is no departure from that.

You may not realise it but seriously you dodged a bullet with your ex. He's not trustworthy, doesn't contribute towards his own baby, sounds flakey. You don't want him back. You should block him completely. Forget him and move on to someone nice.

You are far too involved ! you should not know this much about him since you have split up.

Move on, unfollow him or delete him from all and any social media etc. you are following him on.

He has moved on.

The minute you saw they were in bed, naked for this video call you should have terminated it.

Claim the CMS from him.

and get on with your life, you are responsible for another life now.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

You have been royally stitched up.

It's not worth dwelling on this useless tosser and the woman he's with.

Considering you said that he's living in the US illegally, it's highly unlikely that he will leave the country to see his son.

Focus on getting your head round it and focus on your amazing son.

Not sure how CMS would work out considering he's not in the country, or legally residing in a country with a reciprocal arrangements (US is one of those countries). Best speak to CMS or a solicitor.

I also wondered about this whole plan between them thing but think it's unlikely for a few reasons:
-My ex introduced me to his whole family, like 100s of them when I went there at Christmas. He went out of his way to introduce me to everyone. I don't think he'd have done that if he really thought it wouldn't work out as it made things awkward for him afterwards.
-I think if she's really that jealous she wouldn't have let him go off with someone else.

Yes, it's very possible she wasn't in on it, as it were.

It sounds more like, with a background of desperation to emigrate, he made plans with you and was willing to TTC with you. He probably saw you had a decent job, were well set up, had a supportive family etc.

It looks like something changed about his desire to settle in the UK though -he probably saw it would be difficult for him/his prospects weren't great/weather shit/expensive/language barrier/culturally not for him/far from Colombia/who knows (?)

And alongside that perhaps she let him know of her plans to sell/wrap up her business and move to the US, with family (already established there) willing to support her. It was probably a more desirable prospect - lots of Colombians, can get away with speaking/writing Spanish (I saw a documentary recently where the makers went to a Southern state and literally couldn't find anyone who spoke English when making enquiries), better climate, close to Colombia etc etc

He decided he was going for that setup and abandoned his plans with you. Even with you pregnant, he ok'd that with himself. He doesn't strike me as a man who was very emotionally involved or invested, no matter what he was saying

What you heard about his reputation and behaviour in relationships/towards women seems to corroborate that.

As I said he could be staying in the minimum (and inappropriate) contact he's in due to any combo of back up plan, guilt, pressure from family, image etc.

I think they he stayed in contact with her pretty much all along though.

(Forgot to say he possibly also found out information about how long it would take and how complicated it might be for him to be naturalised in the UK etc.that put him off.
The US may have seemed like a better prospect for independent (if he wanted to move on), flexible visa status - even if he had to go in as an illegal initially.

(I take it he must have been illegal here too though (?) .. unless he spun some student visa, or something).

If his plans in the US don't work out, and he finds himself turfed out and back in Colombia at some point;! I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he starts making noises about coming back to the UK, with your support of course, to 'try again" and "be a family", with lots of BS excuses and justifications.

I would be prepared for that if I were you. Even if it's years from now.

The shitty, minimal contact he's having is possibly done with that "back up plan" aim - even he knows it's unlikely to work if he disappears for years and then tried to pop back up again.

Poor guy, trying to juggle his meal tickets (I honestly think she is one, too). He doesn't sound old and he already has a rep among people who know him for exploiting women - that's significant.

Now mostly he's not very nice to me and disrespectful. He talks to me as if I've done something wrong

He's probably "darvo'ing" because he's fucked you over.

He also needs to look like he dislikes you/has no time for you - to her - because she is his current meal ticket. (I'd say she's around for most or all of the contact). Notable that his entire immigration/life strategy in the US is through her and her family.

This is painful for you but you need to see this guy for what he is and the relationship for what it was.

You were totally sincere, I doubt he was.

You had no ulterior motives, it's highly likely he had.

He got you at a vulnerable time when you were feeling pressure to settle and have kids and had "waited a long time" for it, as you said. You wanted to believe this was "it". You wanted to think a relatively fast timetable to commitment and kids could work (because it worked for your parents, I think you said in another thread) and yes it works out for some people.in some cases.
For others it does not however, and with his motivations and character, it has not.

Imho you've been a victim of a type of romance scam and a type of fraud.. And one of the worst types because the scammer was willing to bring a child into it (maybe the conception happened before he fully decided he was going to go with the US and his ex, rather than the UK and you, I don't know).

(I think people probably believe no-one would do such a thing but I have experienced it first hand. My "bf" wasn't going to have much luck with a 23 yr old working abroad for a year though. I had the oddest, delayed and intensely painful period I've ever had while seeing him and I have to suspect it could have been a very early miscarriage and that he was tampering with the condoms).

Back on topic, this is trauma and you could probably do with some counselling. You also need boundaries for any contact moving forward, it's obvious you're lacking them in the calls, no offence.

I think the bottom line is does your daughter benefit from having this man in her life?
He's abandoned you and her. Do you really, hand on heart, think she will be proud to have him as a father?

I guess the marriage would be registered in the consulate of their respective nationalities, nothing to do with the U.S. registries.

@FreeRider It'll be a religeous ceremony outdoors - I've no idea if it's for legal reasons or not, but he did propose to her a year ago and they were originally supposed to get married at Christmas before leaving for the US, but then postponed due to lack of funds.

Yeah I realised that after my post so posted an update 🙂

I read your update about the video call a couple of minutes after I posted that 😁

@Xenoi24 "He's probably "darvo'ing" because he's fucked you over."

I had to Google this but yes I feel like he shows signs of being a narcissist. We exchanged messages a few days ago where he sent an angry voicenote implying I go round gossiping to his family and actually made me feel bad about being in contact with them. I feel although some of what he said was valid he was diverting focus from what he'd done back onto me.

You are going to stay on this merry-go-round OP. I don't know why but hey ho it's your life. Stop involving his family. You need minimal contact with them.
Concentrate on your child instead of this man. I can only imagine the amount of your time he takes up.
He is in another country, with another woman. Why you are lowering yourself I have no idea. They will be laughing at you.

I'm afraid I have to agree. I can't support this man. He tars decent men as trash. Get rid. Cut ties, and do your best to distance yourself in mind and time. That will be hard. You or your child don't deserve this, do all you can for your child.

Don't let them laugh at you as well. You deserve better.

Block simples

Stop involving his family

I think he involved his family when he introduced her to all of them and impregnated her with a planned baby ....(before he ran off mid pregnancy and proposed to his ex).

Op probably wants contact with those willing to have contact because otherwise she has a total blank (well a few shitty international video calls, if he continues them, with his latest meal ticket partner heavily featured).on an entire side of her child's family, as they grow and become more aware.

The contact with his family could be problematic - but I understand why op feels compelled to stay in contact with any apparently decent (er) members of the family. She's thinking about what to say to her child and whether there's anything positive to be salvaged out of his family, for them.

Yes so the reason why I was messaging him was to say I don't think he treats me respectfully and doesn't show any signs of caring about his son so I don't think I should be in touch and then he's suddenly he's said that he agrees he's been a rubbish dad and now wants regular contact and has started messaging me every day (early days).

But now I'm wondering whether I want that especially after everything he put me through.

Also I don't want to see the wedding pictures and I'm sure he'll put something on his WhatsApp even if I block everything else.

Can I specifically ask him not to put photos of them as his WhatsApp profile pic or does that sound pathetic?

has started messaging me every day (early days

This is far too much in the opposite direction.

You are his ex, he's moved on (very quickly indeed but whatever), is engaged etc and your child together is only 7 months old ... He should stay in contact but messaging every day is totally ott and unnecessary.