Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

oh for goodness sake !!!!

why on earth would you tell him today ON HIS WEDDING DAY that you are going to change the way the two of you communicate re the baby !!!!

give your head a huge wobble, move on !

this was only a holiday romance that did not work out.

Yeah, I would leave it for a day or two.

He'll think it's attention seeking etc.

And may use it to slag you off to his family.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon well he told me he was going to call today or tomorrow - I don't know why he said he'd do that over his wedding day but I don't want to be privy to any of it hence why I'm redirecting him to my mum. He usually posts stuff on his WhatsApp status/updates his photo and I don't want to be forced to look at wedding photos of them.

I already told him a few days ago I needed to send off my phone. He doesn't know I know about the wedding date. Not sure what he could accuse me off. I'm just thinking of ways to protect myself as suggested.

Block him on all social media. Only talk about your son via e mail and forget about him and what’s he done to you. He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t want you so he doesn’t deserve any of your headspace. You and he had a fling and you naively thought it would last forever. Moving forward judge men on their actions not on their words. Talk is cheap.

Well you do happen to know about the auspicious event 🙄, so I would just leave off telling him your Mum will do any calls for a short while.

I already sent it - I just said as mentioned, here's my mum's number as discussed you can message her to ask about baby or organise a videocall. Didn't make a big deal about it. Will just leave it with him now.

I don't know why he said he'd do that over his wedding day but I don't want to be privy to any of it hence why I'm redirecting him to my mum

Oh sorry, I missed this.

Fair enough.

They're probably planning a piece de resistance..following on from the naked bed call - of a honeymoon naked bed call surrounded by rose petals with her showing off her second fake, cheap ring (I wonder who's buying that one).

I wish I was joking.

@Xenoi24 exactly. I would hope they'd be too busy to think about it but I thought it was weird to suggest this weekend for a call so thought I'd get ahead of it.

I can’t believe you brought a holiday fling home! A fling in a poor country like Colombia to a country like the UK. He probably thought he had won the lottery.
Please work on yourself and concentrate on raising your son to be a fine young man.
Having a man won’t make you happy if you’re not happy in yourself.
Cut all contact except via email.

BTW for those loading on the criticism one of the reasons I feel bad about all this is feeling like I failed majorly across my life. 18 months ago I'd secured a great job and seemed to be in a relationship where we wanted the same things. Then I managed to have a major break up while pregnant and lose my job and had a huge break down of emotional and mental well being. I had some very dark times in that period.

I feel like I got through that and have been more or less happy since my son was born and we're both thriving, but the wedding is kind of making me feel the trauma all over again. I get that's on me but just tryring to process it as only found out a week ago and feel like I'm seeing it all play out in my head what I'd previously played out for him and I (yes I know all fantasy, just explaining).

I know I have an alternative reality which is also actually really nice if I just focus on it and stop myself going back over all of it again/move on.

When people tell me I'm dealing with it badly, or I'm not capable it just makes me feel like a failure even more so it's not helpful reminding me of bad life choices etc. I'm already well aware.

@ConsuelaHammock calling him a holiday fling - really wasn't like that and he didn't just come home with me. But yes it was too rushed and likely to not work in retrospect. I know that.

Op, I see posters being super judgemental and derogatory on here, and I suspect that if this forum is similar to "real life" ...which it more likely is than not; some of the bluntest, most judgemental, mouthy, opinionated etc people ... Are often very very far far from being perfect in their judgement and decisions in their own lives (in fact many of them tend to be in totally dysfunctional relationships) .. and are also are almost comically blind to that. They also tend to have conveniently short memories about their own decisions.

I hope that you got through this day or two ok and that transferring the video calls with that pair of dickheads to your parents is going ok.

You mentioned some stuff about what you were tolerating/doubting yourself about in relationships previous to the one with him (and then there were all the issues with him) and I hope you can work through that, maybe with help, so that you're in a better mindset to date in future (presuming you want to, of course).

@Xenoi24 yes thank you, I'm through it and out the other side and starting to feel better although maybe already feel quite different about it all.

He didn't message my mum as far as I know and I did block him on everything but unfortunately they broadcast the ceremony live and quite a few relatives shared it so I did end up coming across it without realising what I was looking at straight away. So I saw a few seconds of them exchanging rings in the wind and rain (looked like a sudden storm had descended on the outdoor wedding). I switched it off but strangely realised it didn't affect me as much as I thought it would. Also I found it triggered me remembering some things I really didn't like about him and differences between us such as his religious outlook.

I found the next day I felt more free and happier so maybe I've come into a further level of acceptance of it all although I realise I've got further to go.

Additionally, trough talking to a couple of people who met the 2 of us together and gave me an outside witness perspective, I've really realised that he never really cared about me at all, and was really some level or other, trying to take advantage or me financially, and my making it clear I wasn't going to let that happen that played a big part in his loss of interest. So although acknowledging that hurts, the idea that he never loved me whereas he does her, I most certainly had for the most part a lucky escape.

That's also made me question whether continued contact with my son is at all financially motivated on his end (as a long term insurance) so I think I'll have to watch out for that as my son grows up (like coming out of the woodwork suddenly later in life).

You do know he doesn’t love her either it’s himself and money he loves the most

Just wanted to say, I was in a sort of situation-ship with a guy about 8 years ago and in a love triangle,

I knew him when he lived in London and he then moved back to France. We never dated, were just mutual friends. It was a total head fuck too, and if I knew then what I knew now about him I’d run quickly in the opposite direction.

It ended up with him meeting another woman (Spanish) who he knew from working in Ibiza.

His ex wife (Italian) who I was in the triangle with, ended up messaging me loads (she actually did seem to be nuts), he was a recovering alcoholic who was still drinking and had massive issues with his mum (parents divorced when he was younger) but he was also a poor little rich kid, who was always bankrolled by his parents.

My French friend who knew more about him from knowing him and his girlfriend whilst in London, thought I was mad getting involved, flying to Nice a lot to see him and I can only blame perimenopause hormones on that!

Last time I checked on my facebook messenger blocked messages, his ex wife was still messaging me from where she lived in Ibiza with her kids.

Not sure what I can advise here OP, but you sound like you have your head screwed on right (compared to them) and the best thing is what you’ve done, block him, them. You’re still young so potentially could meet a nice man if you wanted to do so, plus you’ve got a career though being a single mother can be hard. Good luck to you, I mean it. You’ve got this.

I don’t have DC but I do know friends (not wealthy though) who have DC where the ex father hasn’t wanted to be involved (but the family has, or has not).

I think for you, if his family would like contact with your son, that’s fair. If he does, I’d say no way, or until at least you’re sure he hasn’t got ulterior motives.

I suppose with your son, he could maybe ask for money for future flights or immigration (dual nationality passports) to ensure he’s able to visit him in future.

Don’t be guilt tripped if he says he’s ill and needs medical bills paying. Or double check with his family first.

whereas he does her

He dumped her (?), found someone else, turned her into the other woman - for as long as she went along with it, and later (having left another woman pregnant);got back together with her with a romantic proposal using a tourist souvenir ring that he got the other woman to buy "for his niece".
He lied to her about it's cost and origins (and went along with getting tattoos based on it).
That's farcical.

He started schmoozing you again when it looked like they might finish.

She does what he wants, gives him the type of relationship he wants (where he is served and has authority), she had her own restaurant business (until it went under) and she has very useful family contacts in the US.

I have my doubts how much "love" is involved.

I don't think someone like him truly loves anyone.

Or at the very least, someone like him's "love" isn't worth much.

He has a reputation as a user of women.

As I said, I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't so vicious to his ex, whom he encouraged to continue the pregnancy and then left.

And yes; this shitty, minimal, disrespectful, cavalier contact he's having could have ulterior motives.

@Xenoi24 He lied to her about it's cost and origins (and went along with getting tattoos based on it).
That's farcical.

To be honest it's only what she told people so it's possible she knew or trumped it all up to make it sound better to her family. But at the very least I'm sure he let her believe he bought it.

Also might be worth mentioning that in Colombia you use the term of endearment "mi re" (my king) and "mi reina" (my queen) for your SO and so the crown is linked to this. It was his way of telling her "you're my queen" and why he asked me to get that specific ring.

It was one of the reasons I also got suspicious that something was going on previously, as he'd had me saved in his phone as "mi reina" but reverted it in December to my name which I happened to see when he sent me a screenshot of something coinciding with my name popping up - of course he totally gaslit me when I brought it up - I didn't buy it and it was one of the things that led me to start asking questions.

Again, note to self, those "little" things which seem off, most probably are just the tip of the iceberg.

Am I allowed to share a link to to the ceremony here? There is a link to the wedding video that doesn't identify them and obviously with the location and language there's little risk of being outing to me or them. Not sure what the rules are or if it's even of interest.

We don't need to see the wedding, and neither did / do you.

but now at least that it has happened, you can move on.

and in 8 or 18 years time if your son asks about him you can truthfully say that it was a holiday romance that didn't work out despite his father moving to this country for a short while.

personally I would be deleting and blocking the family and friends etc etc etc too. It's not as if you are ever going to see any of them ever again.

But at the very least I'm sure he let her believe he bought it

I find the scum baggy, shameless, deceptive nature of it "buy that ring for my niece" .. while he actually plans to give to his ex (not so ex) .... And later does so; so demonstrative of his character.

He is utterly shameless. He's a user.

You're not like that with one person, and then not like that with anyone else. Someone who knows him has even backed that up, he has a rep for being a user re. women.

I truly don't believe he's any less of a user towards his current partner (or anyone else). who knows what will unfold there in the long-term.

This is obviously not even touching on the stratospheric recklessness, fecklessness and irresponsibility he displayed in risking pregnancy with you, encouraging you to continue the pregnancy, and then behaving how he has.

I truly don't know why he encouraged you to continue at that time .... Still hedging his bets? Thought having a child in the UK would be a useful backup plan, no matter what he did?

Maybe you couldn't face a termination anyway. You say you'd wanted kids for a log time. You have one and you have good support; and I suppose that's the thing to concentrate on.

That, and your mindset going forward if/when you get into a potential relationship.

(Forgot to say, I have no idea what the typical set up re. household finances management in Colombia ..... But it's pretty fkg suspicious that he started making statements about how he should have access to/management of your finances when he moved over).

Is this the Colombian guy that has been posted about before? Just forget about him. He won’t step up as a father. You are giving him way too much headspace still.

He's quite religious (aware of the hypocrisy there) and is anti abortion I think for this reason. When I found out I was pregnant he seemed genuinely happy and was thinking about baby names etc. I also found it so strange he was just fine to leave despite his apparent happiness. It was honestly so strange and I couldn't get my head round it at all. That said he also kept saying it didn't feel real so I think he emotionally removed himself.

I had my wobbles a few times about going ahead on my own but at that time in my life I really wanted children and I don't regret my son one bit, only the relationship with his father.

He's quite religious (aware of the hypocrisy there) and is anti abortion I think for this reason.

Lol at religious.

Apparently his religious beliefs don't stop him from cheating, lying and not paying anything towards his child, not to mention never even seeing them in person.

What a joke.