Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

Tbh I should have heeded more attention to his initual version as I'm always sceptical of people's breakup stories about their exes, but this version has since been corroborated many times. I should have worried more about the relationship and asked more questions/been aware. I'm just not usually the jealous type.

If I'd known they had a toxic on/off relationship I wouldn't have got involved but he made it sound done and dusted.

But the US has a somewhat better system of establishing paternity and child support than the UK.

They were with their dad but now they've joined them in the US so they're hoping to stay long term and join the many millions of existing undocumented.

This is terribly sad for you and you have every right to be hurt and upset.
As hard as it is, you need to take care of yourself and focus on yourself and your son. You are dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions. You and your son deserve so much more than this man. Say goodbye in your head to him and be kind to yourself. I hope you have close friends and family who can support you

Their situation in their home country must be pretty desperate; to enter the US illegally via Mexico and then have her kids from her previous relationship join them.

And what sort of father (re her ex) lets his young daughters join a Mum and her "fiance" who only dated for a year (?) before they broke up, who has since impregnated another woman, and who is not really that long back together with her?

As someone said, how exactly are they getting legally married in the US when they are illegal, unprocessed immigrants?

This is all a bit crazy.

Back on my first point, that sort of desperation and 'pragmatism" strengthens my suspicions about his motives when raising marriage and babies with you within 6 (?) months, getting fertility tests and TTC.
Do you think there's a possibility it was immigration motivated .. do you think he'd have tried to get her and her daughters over too but found out things that made him realise it was very unlikely/difficult/would take too long; so there's trying their luck in the US.

I have my doubts they were ever properly broken up.

You are understandably spinning and uncomprehending and traumatised by being dumped so quickly after falling pregnant with an apparently planned child and him reuniting with his ex and now remarrying etc quickly .... That's because it makes no sense (other than him being insanely flaky, changeable, unstable, having had the biggest rebound ever etc.
But it makes sense if they were never truly broken up & detached, and if he had less than genuine reasons for wanting to have a child with you. That he future faked, rushed it, avd then legged it when he knew you were pregnant and continuing the pregnancy.

It also explains why he's keeping these video calls going - even though he's really had nothing to do with his child, hasn't even met them in person, hasn't paid a penny towards their upkeep etc; but he'd want to keep a thread of contact to claim he has a "relationship" with his child.

That contact is only acceptable to her if she feels he's demonstrating repeatedly and brutally (like the video call) that the contact is only for a relationship with his child, and not you.

She may not even know about the baby

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have

This is exactly what has happened and it is no wonder you feel sad. Hopefully you get to feeling angry too, because you have been betrayed. He sounds manipulative and it hurts when we've been deceived.

You'll have a lot of emotions to feel as a result of all of this. All of them are valid. I'm sorry you are going through all of this while you are caring for your young baby.

Take care xx

Ok, just read the updates, she knows!

How exactly would she be doing video calls with him if she didn't??

The only reason he's doing the calls with op is to see or talk about their child.

She definitely does. I mean we all did a rather bizarre video call together last month 😅. Longest 8 minutes of my life!

Why are you still in contact with him?
He's never bothered to meet his son, he's not giving you any money and even if he was contributing financially you don't need to be in contact with him.

They're definitely not going to live happily ever after anyway, they sound like a pair of idiots!

I just kept completely dead pan and acted like I was totally unbothered by the fact that they were naked in bed (in the middle of the day and asked me to phone at that specific time). Then she got irritated with him for asking about breastfeeding, presumably as he referred to my 'tits' (in Spanish) and I kept asking him to repeat it as I didn't know that slang 😂.

They're definitely not going to live happily ever after anyway, they sound like a pair of idiots!

Their entire cohort sound like crazy idiots .... They enter the US as illegal immigrants, her sister then joins them; dragging along her two daughters - also as illegal immigrants, and their father agrees to that.

I take it they are South American, as I can't imagine this level of desperation from people in Spain/an EU country (even if it has had high unemployment).

Then she got irritated with him for asking about breastfeeding, presumably as he referred to my 'tits' (in Spanish)

How the actual fuck did that come up in conversation?

I thought the calls were for him to see his son?

Why would you be explaining how he's fed etc?

If his Dad's all that concerned about his feeding and welfare, he can actually meet him, and come and help look after him for a while, and pay towards his upkeep.

You need a hefty dose of "fuck off dickhead" in your attitude.

What are you hoping to achieve by staying in contact with him. To keep in contact with your child's father? Do you really think he'd ever be a good father??

A guy who walked out on you with a planned pregnancy and is now trailing around the states with his "fiancee" and her sister and two daughters as illegal immigrants, about a year later.
He can't even do a pre arranged video call with you and his child without his girlfriend in it, both naked in bed.

Why? Why have contact with them?

Yes I am on the point of wondering that.

Actually tbh I think it's the most sensible thing he's done for a while. Her family have been there for several years - have houses and businesses. He didn't want to go (presumably because of his bad experience in the UK) but she persuaded him. Her brother lent them the money to get there and now they work for him. They'll be 100 times better off than in Colombia where she had to sell of her business due to debt and he had no work.

I don't think he's very financially savvy at all though. Makes terrible decisions and no negotiation skills. I told him as much.

presumably because of his bad experience in the UK

He had a relationship with a British woman, told her he wanted marriage and children with her, had his fertility checked and TTC with her, got her pregnant and then dumped her and ran off, getting back with his "crazy" ex - before his child was even born ....and he had a bad experience in the UK?? Lol

Well, he created a rather bad experience (understatement) for at least one other person while he was in the UK.

They'll be 100 times better off than in Colombia where she had to sell of her business due to debt and he had no work.

Maybe but they're still illegal.

That is not a good position to be in on a number of fronts.

Anyway op, I think their level of desperation is obvious.

I'm sorry but I'm inclined to think there was some immigration motivation behind his apparent eagerness for speedy commitment and having babies. Something/s evidently changed his mind about trying to emigrate to the UK.

He's trying his hand in the US - probably an awful lot easier to get by and work without fluent English etc. He also has his fiancée's family being already established there.
They are culturally very different indeed from the UK and he and his fiance have that in common.

I think he"s keeping this minimal thread of contact with your son because he'd still like the UK as a back up option ...and because he probably feels some level of guilt about the situation and perhaps doesn't want to appear like a total bastard and shit to his family members (some older family members might have strong views on him totally abandoning a child) so he does this so he can say "oh yeah yeah, in I'm contact with him, I do video calls all the time".

They'll be better off but surely that can all come crashing down at any time?

And is their wedding even going to be legal?

Notable that her family are well set up in the US and can presumably provide him/them with work (they've taken in 3 adults and two young people) but he's still not offering a penny to you for the upkeep of his child, even though you're currently unemployed.

You can just use your savings and your family can just sub you, right.

Oh and he's got a wedding to pay for.
An illegal wedding, since they're there illegally. Just how lavish do you go in an illegal, unrecognised wedding.
Does he feel he has to make a show of marrying her before her family will fully accept him into the fold and give him work perhaps (?) He certainly likes big gestures of commitment as a means to an end.

What a man.

You won't get any CM out of him while he's illegal in the US. If you report them (if you even had enough info to do so) they'll end up back in Colombia broke with no CM coming your way. So you're not getting any money off the father of your child for the foreseeable future. It's entirely at his discretion and he doesn't sound too upstanding and responsible (and it would be money away from his "wife" and step daughters).

So what's the point of contact?

He'll only use it as a backup immigration option. And/or he's only doing it out of some sense of obligation. But he's so dysfunctional his gf is in on all the calls (naked in bed) and so inappropriate that he's talking about breast feeding and your tits.

I take it this guy is good looking cause seriously .... Wtf.

You have a 7 month old he’s never met and who he doesn’t pay for. He treats you poorly and has an awful soon to be wife who would be your child’s step mother.

it might not be the ‘right’ thing to do but I think I’d lance the boil and change my phone number and move house. Block on all social media.

if he wanted to seek you out, be a good father and pursue time with his son and wanted to pay
Maintenece then he can seek you out fairly easily. But at the same time you aren’t then needing by to contact him. See them in bed! Or any of that rubbish!!

make him work to be part of your sons life

Op you probably have some idealised notion of your child having to know their father etc

Look how your idealised notion of fast, soul mate romance and commitment worked out. Sometimes it helps to be cynical.

He's not been a good Dad all along. He's not now. He could do more damage than good. His stbw also sounds poisonous and cray cray. Tbh he sounds cray cray. You need to think through the benefit Vs downsides of contact.

I don't think he's very financially savvy at all though. Makes terrible decisions and no negotiation skills. I told him as much.

He doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Another reason to think hard about contact and managing it, if you choose to have it.

My ex did similar to me (although I keep myself unaware of his love life now) baby is 16 months and I'm dating a lovely new man who is a father who understand the restrictions that come with dating a single mum - just get through the first year and then you can cautiously dip your toe back in the dating pool. It's actually quite refreshing as you don't have the same clock is ticking mentality and it can make you be a bit cooler on dates.