Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

I very much doubt his marriage will work out. If it was toxic before then nothing has changed. I wonder how he will feel playing step father to her kids? Honestly, you are better off without him. Look at what you do have and not what you don’t. You have a lovely little boy, a supportive family and you sound lovely and clever. You will get another job. Focus on yourself and your son and don’t give them the satisfaction of face timing and making you feel crap. Sometimes silence is more powerful than words. Just block them. Even if the relationship falls apart you don’t need such a loser in your life. You are worth more.

You have had such a lucky escape, if he married you he would probably have cheated anyway. He's a dead loss for a dad and neglects his child financially.
Be thankful you won't be going through a toxic marriage break down in a few months/years.
His ex doesn't sound much better either. They deserve each other.

OP don’t believe any of the tripe he’s feeding you. And of course he’s fake nice on his own, he wants to keep you sweet in case this goes tits up.

shes so controlling that he went back and moved abroad. Don’t fall for it, they’re as bad as each other and are taking the P.

Focus on yourself and your baby. If he’s not sending £ he doesn’t need to have chit chat with you. He can send videos for baby.

Honestly I’d block him on everything and refuse to engage.

And report the pair of them to the US authorities.

He’s a feckless, abusive c*nt and needs one hell of a wake up call.

1. He sounds like a complete waste of space and manipulative also. Never let him have your child’s passport if he ever does bother to visit.
2. Celebrate that you’re not the one marrying this arsehole.
3. Delete him altogether. Move on with your life. He doesn’t give a shit about his son. He hasn’t bothered to see him and doesn’t pay anything towards him. Don’t let him play games with you. That naked video call was just insanely disrespectful, inappropriate, and downright mean of them. You’d be so much better if you just delete him from your life and focus on you and your DS. If he paid towards his Ds and made an effort it would be different, but all he’s doing is playing games and messing with your head.

I meant laser not lover

Loser!

Honestly, I’d just contact US immigration and alert them to the couples presence and let whatever happen. Who cares about a recession in his home country? You are not getting any money either way.

She's got older children

How old are they? Where are they while she's in the US illegally?!

He's not from the UK

Does he have rights to work, reside etc. in the UK?

Was all the marriage talk, family talk, planning a baby inc. fertility tests (within 6 months (?)).perhaps related to immigration goals?

But he decided to chance his arm in the US instead for whatever reasons.

I'd have to wonder if he even broke it off fully with her while he was here and seeing you.

If he's not contributing financially then I'd block him on everything

This is the long and short of it. OP is better off out of it

He never was a nice person he was just a love bombing, lying, future faker. Be glad that you're rid of him because it sounds like with his flaky unemployment, he would have completely bankrupt you.

Imagine being married to this lying pos, and then you'd have to end up giving him half of your property, and he'd clean out your bank accounts, cheat, and leave you high and dry.

Yes, he said a lot of things to you and to the ex-girlfriend, but obviously, he's a liar. Men lie a lot. You always have to go by their actions and never by their words.

So block him everywhere on social media and forget about this loser. You'll never get a penny from him.

He is literally pond scum. Block, delete and live your life.

How long were you with him before you got pregnant? If he has done all this in a year it will all come crashing down

Op when I was tefl teaching abroad at 23, I had a guy from a developing country come on strong and I dated him, to me, casually.

(He also kept letting things slip that made me think he was not a great candidate for monogamy).

A few months into seeing him, to my surprise and bewilderment, he said he wanted us to have a baby together.

I made it clear I was not I interested in doing that and he faded away. I also suspect he was warned off by a woman working for the same company as me, who may have recognised him (and knew he was married) on a night out he'd joined me on.

It turned out he was married to a local lady and I suspect he had kids too (though he said he didn't have any kids - while looking intensely self aware and embarrassed- when I asked at the start of the relationship).

He had a visa through her for that country (a developed country) - as long as he stayed married, I believe. I'm not sure what significance having kids resident there would have had on his visa if he'd divorced.

He was dissatisfied, I imagine, because he was in low paid jobs and had no prospects due to the particular circumstances in that country; so a resident of (at that time) both the UK and EU was, in his eyes, a gold mine. His main stumbling block was that he couldn't propose romantic marriage because he didn't want to divorce and lose his "bird in the hand" until he set up his new visa ... So that's why he went for a baby.
At that time, a child in the UK with whom you had a relationship would have significantly helped your visa application. I think he thought it was a cert.

My point is ... People like him try to collect visas like charms on a charm bracelet (or scalps!) and they don't put all the eggs in one basket. They like to have options.
They think having a child in a country gives them that option. They need to maintain some kind of contact or there would be little justification for a claim that they need to be resident somewhere to see their child. It's interesting that your ex is doing only just enough to maintain that, while not doing inconvenient things like paying actual money.

I find it very strange (and very fast track).that a man would be talking marriage and babies, to the point of going for fertility tests, within 6 (?) months of a relationship.

Esp when he wasn't long out of his previous relationship.

It's worth considering that a marriage can be dissolved ... And what rights someone might have to reside and work in that country, esp. if they haven't been there for a long long time, could disappear.

But a child is an 18 yr plus opportunity for arguing for residence, that cannot be dissolved. He might only be staying in contact so he can claim he has a relationship there, if America doesn't work out (?)

It's also interesting that he left you not long after you fell pregnant (though probably not early enough so that a termination was a real possibility) and got back together with her, then emigrated with her and is now marrying her within a relatively short time frame.

I'd honestly wonder about the real circumstance between them while he was in the UK/with you, and what their overall plans/strategy might be. What might have been going on in the background. It seems suspect to me (i.e. maybe not just rebound or extreme flakiness on his behalf?)

They broke up because she was insecure and controlling and it's got 10x worse since they got back together. Apparently her female relatives aren't allowed to visit in case they turn his head. He told me before that she always demands more and more of him. Now he's got a child with me it's definitely a case of trying to show/prove how in love they are to me and everyone else.

With respect OP, you don't really believe this, do you?

You’ve got into your head that if it wasn’t for his Ex you’d be having your happy ever after. His behaviour suggests otherwise and points more you to dodging a bullet than anything else. He was always this guy.

Block him on everything and stop FaceTime contact. You continuing to maintain contact with this idiot isn’t leaving the door open to him having contact with his child in the future, it’s only enabling him to continue his fuckery.

Start a claim for maintenance now and stop waiting. If he’s in the US illegally, more fool him.

How are you still on good terms & hearing how he 'loves' the baby if he's fucked off to another country to marry his ex (does she know he's a father ?) & refusing to pay childsupport ?!?!??!

You need to actually find out what the laws are in the other country to persue child support & put you & your son first

Donald Trump wouldn't be able to kick anyone out of the US as he is no longer president.

How is he going to be able to marry legally in the US if he is there illegally?

Well I should say that crossed without papers, they're detained (as nearly all immigrants crossing the Mexican border) then pending a hearing on whether they can stay. I think over 6 million crossed last year so there's a massive back-log meaning they're known to authorities and since they have relatives there they're allowed to just go and live with them. They've been there since Jan and her daughters just arrived with an aunt. Their dad wasn't going to let them go but he changed his mind.

I was referring to when he inevitably gets voted back in... no idea what the laws are over there. I'm no expert!

Yes he told her as soon as he got back. He turned up as a surprise and proposed to her and then told her (from what I understand). She'd wanted him back for a while but he turned her down because he was with me but then changed his mind (after I was pregnant).