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Original poster

**Partner (M40) masturbates all hours and wakes me (f35) up**

207 replies

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 07:15

Partner (M40) masturbates all hours and wakes me (f35) up
So we moved in together a few months ago and I slept really badly because I was being woken up in the night and early in the morning by partner playing with himself. I asked if he wanted more sex, which he says he doesn't. I do want more (2-3 times a week isn't enough) but I get exhausted easily (health condition) and can struggle with pain so want to have sex before 10pm which is when I'm too tired as we have to get up early for work the next day. He doesn't like morning sex (when I have more energy) because then he's too tired for work. On the nights that we don't have sex he waits until I'm asleep (probably snoring) and masturbates which wakes me. When I stir (stop snoring or move) he stops and waits and looks over his shoulder to check I'm asleep. This cycle can carry on for a good hour or so, stopping and starting. It got so disruptive to my sleep that I moved out to another room. I miss my partner. I miss sex. I feel like we're drifting apart. I now knock when I go to hug him in the mornings as I don't want to walk in on him having his private time. He acts really sheepish if I don't knock. Is this something that I just have to live with?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/04/2024 11:44

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:14

I know!! It's so weird!!!!

Not weird at all.

Revolting

SoupChicken · 18/04/2024 11:44

No it’s not normal and it’s not acceptable. I’m concerned that you appear to have so little self respect that you think leaving is not an option. Leaving should always be an option.

For those with poor reading comprehension:
Wanking - ok
Wanking next to someone who is unconscious - not ok

peachescariad · 18/04/2024 11:45

Blimey you really set the bar low for yourself don't you.

featherlampshade · 18/04/2024 11:45

That's absolutely grim

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2024 11:47

Delphina17 · 18/04/2024 09:46

I disagree with the majority of posters. Masturbating is not disgusting and it's fine for people to do this. Men or women.

The big issue here is that he is waking you up and being completely inconsiderate to your need to sleep. Why does he do it when you're in bed together and what's his response when you've said he needs to do it in a different room?

If he wants the relationship to work, he will need to make some changes so you can get a good night's sleep together.

Regarding you wanting more sex, is there any way you could compromise so you go to bed at 9:00/9:30 so you're not too tired?

Is he aware this is a big problem for you, and would he be willing to try couples counseling if you can't come to a solution together?

No one has said masturbating is disgusting
Read harder

The manner of what he is doing is disrespectful.
And that's the problem

Boredwiththinkingofanotherusername · 18/04/2024 11:48

Raise. Your. Bar.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/04/2024 11:48

Even the absolute worst criminal in prison for life, is sometimes nice.

Noseyoldcow · 18/04/2024 11:49

Well.....he's a wanker,isn't he?
I'll get my coat.....

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2024 11:56

Sorry but he's not kind if he's trying to sell you this narrative that men can't control themselves.
On top of that it sounds like he's deliberately trying to make you feel frustrated. Alongside exhausting you.

I don't buy that 'can't have sex in the moring as he'll be tired for work' crap. He's 45. Both should be easy.

He's playing a game here. What, I'm not sure. But you're in trouble either way. Either, he's not that into you but likes having you there (as a housekeeper perhaps? Or, do you look after his kids?).

Or...I suspect (as the keeping you up at night points towards vindictivenes he's heading towards abuse. That sort like to wear you down. Some may choose the route of annoyance to do this. Via things like, keeping you awake, strategic incompetence, not considering your needs, pissing off your family etc...
Plus, making you feel unloved and like you might somehow be the issue. Perhaps through patterns of withholding sex like this.

'I can't leave because I love him'. Look honey, many people love their abusers. Now I'm not saying that's for sure what's going on here. But you need to always, always be ready and able to leave a man irregardless of love. Love YOURSELF too.

CactusMactus · 18/04/2024 12:09

Having a wank is not the worst thing a guy can do - the problem here is he is not respecting you or your wellbeing.

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2024 12:12

What's kind or sweet about waking you up wanking? It's gross

BirtyDird · 18/04/2024 12:27

He's a massive wanker - pun intended.

This is disgusting behaviour, and he is not kind and caring. He's lying in bed masturbatung to random instagram girls whilst you sleep , he would rather do this than have sex with his partner ?

You know it's wrong as you've created this thread and hopefully now you can see it is NOT NORMAL.

FannyFifer · 18/04/2024 12:29

WTF, this is not normal behaviour. Disgusting, the first time a partner woke me up wanking over instagram girls would be the last, I would absolutely not be in a relationship where someone is so disrespectful.

SoreAndTired1 · 18/04/2024 12:51

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:28

Yes usually. I did ask him not to look at Instagram girls while I'm asleep next to him and he has stopped that, which is why I'm hoping by me instigating more often to show him that the real thing is better than his hand will help. Just venting really to see if this is normal and it's clearly not! Ugh

Show quote history

Usually? Usually? What the hell?! So he looks at porn and Instagram girls? That would break my heart if the man I loved did that. It would be a deal breaker and would make me feel worthless. Porn of any type would be a deal breaker to me, and you've only been living together a few months, so it's not like you've been together 20 years and he's looking at porn. This is heartbreaking. Masturbation is fine but watching porn at all is not ok, especially when you just moved in! I'd be calling out his porn addiction and tell him you won't have it, it's so disrespectful and heartbreaking and why did he have you move in when he'd rather porn and images and his hand rather than you. You deserve better.

ShelfShark · 18/04/2024 12:59

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:28

Yes usually. I did ask him not to look at Instagram girls while I'm asleep next to him and he has stopped that, which is why I'm hoping by me instigating more often to show him that the real thing is better than his hand will help. Just venting really to see if this is normal and it's clearly not! Ugh

Show quote history

So he’s a porn addict but you describe him as loving and kind? He clearly isn’t interested in real sex as much as whatever it is he’s watching online. Do you know what kind of thing he’s watching? I would hazard a guess that it’s something quite extreme.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/04/2024 13:02

Op - has something happened to you in your past that has led you to believe these are the actions of a kind, caring person?

MermaidEyes · 18/04/2024 13:04

Waiting for the thread in 5 years

"My boyfriend sits next to me in bed wanking over porn while I'm feeding our baby - is this normal?"

He won't change unless you step up and give him ultimatums OP

canyouletthedogoutplease · 18/04/2024 13:04

Christ alive.

If you've been clear, and it sounds like you have in both word and deed by relocating to the other bedroom, that performing his nightly solo masturbatory mission when you're asleep in bed next to him does not work for you, then you have two choices.

You either accept that he is a selfish imbecile with zero ability to be in a healthy relationship and that's what you want for yourself.

Or you leave. You say you can't, that's what you're telling yourself to back up the other falsehood which is that he is a good kind man and he loves you.

You could find a similar relationship with a gorilla from the local zoo. You can do better. Do so.

Original poster
Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 13:10

Newestname002 · 18/04/2024 09:31

He doesn't like morning sex (when I have more energy) because then he's too tired for work.

Is this really a thing? For a 40yo male? I'm not being snarky - just surprised. 🌹

Me too! I love nothing more than turning over half asleep to have a morning canoodle!! I was surprised!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 13:12

arethereanyleftatall · 18/04/2024 13:02

Op - has something happened to you in your past that has led you to believe these are the actions of a kind, caring person?

I have had a couple of pretty awful relationships in the past.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 18/04/2024 13:12

If he's got the energy to wank then he's got the energy to have sex.

He's being an idle shit.

Original poster
Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 13:15

I'm on my lunch break reading all of your replies. Thankyou. I thought maybe it's not that bad.. maybe it's normal? You've all empowered me. I'm moving back into my room and putting my fucking foot down. He was looking at pictures of women in the front room before. I've told him to stop that and as far as I know he has. He thought it was normal? I have children I've said to stop that shit immediately.
I'll do the same with this.
I'm moving back into the bedroom tonight. I'm sick of going into another room on a shitty sofa bed while he sleeps in our room.
Thankyou again.
This needs to stop. Now!!!

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 18/04/2024 13:18

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:10

I've asked him to go to the bathroom but he doesn't most of the time. We've been together 3 years, moved in together for 6 months. Leaving isn't an option

That’s a shame because you sound not well suited, on that front at least.

Original poster
Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 13:19

I've brought this up. Actually posting it before any responses I told him that earlier is better so we will give that a go!

OP posts:
ShelfShark · 18/04/2024 13:29

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 13:15

I'm on my lunch break reading all of your replies. Thankyou. I thought maybe it's not that bad.. maybe it's normal? You've all empowered me. I'm moving back into my room and putting my fucking foot down. He was looking at pictures of women in the front room before. I've told him to stop that and as far as I know he has. He thought it was normal? I have children I've said to stop that shit immediately.
I'll do the same with this.
I'm moving back into the bedroom tonight. I'm sick of going into another room on a shitty sofa bed while he sleeps in our room.
Thankyou again.
This needs to stop. Now!!!

He’s looking at porn in the living room and you have kids in the house?! This is awful OP. He needs to acknowledge that he has a serious addiction. If he was an alcoholic I assume you would demand that he gets help?