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Original poster

**Partner (M40) masturbates all hours and wakes me (f35) up**

207 replies

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 07:15

Partner (M40) masturbates all hours and wakes me (f35) up
So we moved in together a few months ago and I slept really badly because I was being woken up in the night and early in the morning by partner playing with himself. I asked if he wanted more sex, which he says he doesn't. I do want more (2-3 times a week isn't enough) but I get exhausted easily (health condition) and can struggle with pain so want to have sex before 10pm which is when I'm too tired as we have to get up early for work the next day. He doesn't like morning sex (when I have more energy) because then he's too tired for work. On the nights that we don't have sex he waits until I'm asleep (probably snoring) and masturbates which wakes me. When I stir (stop snoring or move) he stops and waits and looks over his shoulder to check I'm asleep. This cycle can carry on for a good hour or so, stopping and starting. It got so disruptive to my sleep that I moved out to another room. I miss my partner. I miss sex. I feel like we're drifting apart. I now knock when I go to hug him in the mornings as I don't want to walk in on him having his private time. He acts really sheepish if I don't knock. Is this something that I just have to live with?

OP posts:
mumda · 18/04/2024 09:45

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:16

Leaving isn't an option because I love him, he's kind, sweet, helps me when I'm feeling rubbish with my health, he's affectionate and just so loving. It's just this that's an issue

He's sweet and kind?
Apart from when he's wanking next to you in bed disturbing your sleep.

Leave.

Delphina17 · 18/04/2024 09:46

I disagree with the majority of posters. Masturbating is not disgusting and it's fine for people to do this. Men or women.

The big issue here is that he is waking you up and being completely inconsiderate to your need to sleep. Why does he do it when you're in bed together and what's his response when you've said he needs to do it in a different room?

If he wants the relationship to work, he will need to make some changes so you can get a good night's sleep together.

Regarding you wanting more sex, is there any way you could compromise so you go to bed at 9:00/9:30 so you're not too tired?

Is he aware this is a big problem for you, and would he be willing to try couples counseling if you can't come to a solution together?

Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2024 09:48

Gross OP. He's not kind, and sweet, he disrespectful and selfish. If you won't leave him then move into the spare room permanently.Your bar is very low if you are prepared to tolerate him lying in bed next to you wanking at pics of lnstagram girls whilst you are trying to sleep.

Cofaki · 18/04/2024 09:49

Can you list some of the ways that you think he's kind and sweet because I'm willing to bet that what you would put down are just the bare minimum things you would expect from another human being sharing a house with you and are not in fact him being kind or sweet because he doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

Can I ask if you do the majority of the housework and cooking etc? I suspect he likes having you as a housemaid but that you don't really mean a lot to him emotionally.

I can't believe you're prepared to put up with this. You say leaving isn't an option, but it is an option. It's just an option that you're discounting without thinking about it, but I would suggest you need to think about it harder because this doesn't sound like a relationship to me and it doesn't sound like a nice way to live and you deserve better

Koptforitagain · 18/04/2024 09:51

Masturbation isn’t disgusting, some posters are hard of reading. It’s his accompanying behaviour that’s disgusting. Total lack of respect and consideration to his partner. This, in a new relationship has more red flags than a red flag parade.

Wake up @Bathmonkey , he’s not lovely, he’s utterly disrespectful to you. You deserve better, you really do. 💐

SamW98 · 18/04/2024 09:53

Delphina17 · 18/04/2024 09:46

I disagree with the majority of posters. Masturbating is not disgusting and it's fine for people to do this. Men or women.

The big issue here is that he is waking you up and being completely inconsiderate to your need to sleep. Why does he do it when you're in bed together and what's his response when you've said he needs to do it in a different room?

If he wants the relationship to work, he will need to make some changes so you can get a good night's sleep together.

Regarding you wanting more sex, is there any way you could compromise so you go to bed at 9:00/9:30 so you're not too tired?

Is he aware this is a big problem for you, and would he be willing to try couples counseling if you can't come to a solution together?

And again no one is saying it’s masturbating in itself that’s disgusting so you’re not disagreeing with anyone.

Clearly most posts are saying it’s his behaviour, lack of respect for boundaries and refusal to compromise even when he knows it’s an issue that’s the problem.

nibblemunch · 18/04/2024 09:56

Id be packing my bags.

Floogal · 18/04/2024 10:16

Oh spider bite! Itchy spider bite! Omg so itchy. So itchy. Jane Seymour. Ugh! Got it!

User135644 · 18/04/2024 10:22

Just shows all men think about is sex and lack control over their dicks.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 18/04/2024 10:51

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:16

Leaving isn't an option because I love him, he's kind, sweet, helps me when I'm feeling rubbish with my health, he's affectionate and just so loving. It's just this that's an issue

With respect, you've only been living together for 6 months. Moving out while he sorts this habit (which is gross btw - by all means have a wank but do it in another room) doesn't mean you're breaking up. You've spent longer living separately.

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 18/04/2024 10:56

User135644 · 18/04/2024 10:22

Just shows all men think about is sex and lack control over their dicks.

Not all men are like this at all! Don't normalize this. I've lived with 4 men in ltr, none of them have had a wank in my vicinity when I didn't want them to.

MrsDoubtfire24 · 18/04/2024 11:03

He has deliberately created several barriers to having a normal sex life with you. He is humiliating you and rejecting you in favour of porn. And now you’re in a different room after just 6 months of living together.

Did he want to live together?

ShinyEspeon · 18/04/2024 11:06

He's too tired for work if you have sex first thing...but not if he's bouncing around having a wank for an hour in the middle of the night?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/04/2024 11:07

Kindly, have some self respect.

This man gives me the ick, an Internet stranger.

If it's not enough to give you the ick and move out then I can only assume you have some underlying confidence issues you'd benefit from counselling for.

hellnojuliet · 18/04/2024 11:26

Georgie743 · 18/04/2024 08:20

its so bloody depressing reading the lows so many women will put up with.

"is this something I have to live with?"

of course it's bloody not! You have choices!! You are not a tree, you can move away.

to say leaving is not an option is bloody ridiculous. You don't even have kids together so it's not like you're considering breaking up a family.

he's kind and sweet? Really? Kind partners usually don't repeatedly disturb their partners sleep and certainly don't ignore requests for basic standards such as 'please knock one out in the bathroom'

his actions are screaming that he would much rather have a tug than be intimate with you, and that he doesn't care at all about your sleep.

(And I'm all for people in relationships being able to masturbate when they like, but not at the expense of their sex life with their partner and their partners sleep and happiness)

really OP - is this the standard you're willing to accept?

So sorry Op, but the above says just about all of what I was going to.
This is incredibly gross, disrespectful and not loving at all.
Have you considered he’s so er…”nice” because you are the only person he’s found who puts up with this peccadillo, and hasn't turfed the feral bugger to the kerb? Just…no. Ew.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 18/04/2024 11:28

At the very very least, live separately again.

Opentooffers · 18/04/2024 11:29

Love doesn't mean it's OK to chuck your standards in the bin. If he turned out to be a murderer, but was nice to you, would you stick by him?
This is a bad habit he has developed while living alone. Habits are hard to break and it could well be a nightly ritual he has developed to get to sleep- unfortunately men sleep better after an orgasm. Perhaps suggest he knocks one out in the bathroom before bed if it helps him sleep. It is gross to be lying next to someone watching porn or other women while trying to sleep. If he can't see the disrespect in that and cant change himself, he needs therapy to get him out of it.
Alternatively, if sleeping separately is putting distance between you, that could be just what you need from your side to take the blinkers off and fall out of love with this oaf so you do get the gumption to go. He'd be showing you he cares more about his nasty habit than nurturing the relationship anyway.

gamerchick · 18/04/2024 11:30

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:16

Leaving isn't an option because I love him, he's kind, sweet, helps me when I'm feeling rubbish with my health, he's affectionate and just so loving. It's just this that's an issue

You don't need to leave him. You just don't have to live together.

Just stay sleeping seperate and suck it up really is anyone can say. He's being disrespectful by rattling the bed when he feels like it.

alovelynight · 18/04/2024 11:30

Oh my, this is disgusting 🤢

MonsteraMama · 18/04/2024 11:35

Every time I think I've seen the lowest bar for male behaviour on this website, someone comes along and digs the trench a little deeper 🤢

MadameDeLaRue · 18/04/2024 11:36

LTB

readingismycardio · 18/04/2024 11:38

What a disgusting little shit. I'd never stay with a man like this.

KindaBinding81 · 18/04/2024 11:38

MonsteraMama · 18/04/2024 11:35

Every time I think I've seen the lowest bar for male behaviour on this website, someone comes along and digs the trench a little deeper 🤢

Yes I'm afraid you win OP.

You need to realise this is absolutely not normal and unbelievably disrespectful.

Wonderfulstuff · 18/04/2024 11:39

Masturbation - totally normal.

Everything you have described - totally not normal.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2024 11:43

Bathmonkey · 18/04/2024 08:16

Leaving isn't an option because I love him, he's kind, sweet, helps me when I'm feeling rubbish with my health, he's affectionate and just so loving. It's just this that's an issue

Just this?

He'd rather masturbate than have sex with you?

He's too tired in the mornings because of what he's doing

And the fact that he's doing it next to you shows a total lack of respect

If that doesn't turn you off then, well...

Raise your bar

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