DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

[sewknit56]

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

@sewknit56 what's your children's thoughts on you offering out their bedrooms?
If your dh isn't close to his family/friends who are all the people you mentioned before that have stayed before?

@sewknit56

I just don't like being dictated to by my DH about who and who I can't have in my house.

Your husband probably feels the same way. 🌹

Are you being serious with the last bit? Can't you see the HUGE irony??

It's also not in your house, but in your husbands (and your) bed.

So your “D” H thinks you should have distanced yourself from your family when married, he thinks having a relationship with your siblings and parents and celebrating birthdays with them is “weird”. He thinks it’s ok for a mother to walk out on her children and not support them even though she can, because he dosnt like her husband (your brother). He’s happy for strangers to stay in the house but would not let you allow your brother, who by all accounts only sin is not being like your H.

I would be reassessing my marriage under these circumstances. If he’s fine with your DNs & Ns being neglected and missing out like this and supportive of a parent abandoning her children, he’s capable of doing the same yours in my eyes.

His brother has stayed a few times but they rarely see each other so they are not really close. Also my parents and an old school friend of his and also my friends daughter and her partner.

Fair enough marriage is a partnership but surely you shouldn't have to ask permission from your partner to have a member of your own family stay in your house - my DH doesn't even have to see my brother. As I have said time and time again I would have no qualms about any of his family staying in our house and if he ran it past me I would say yes of course - but I do feel that I am being dictated too by DH. I know years ago the man of the house was in charge and what he said was the final decision but I thought things had moved on quite significantly now.

I have obviously just have very different views to most people on this thread and my DH.

If you didn't want and weren't comfortable with someone, anyone, sleeping in your bed and your dh said tough, it's happening, how would you feel?

It's not about permission, it's about respect as a million pp have already said

We have always had people (family and very good friends) stay in our home whilst we have been on holiday (my parents, DH's brother, cousins etc )and we have had stayed in other peoples homes - whilst they have been away
is that not a change from your earlier post? You've gone from always having people stay in your house and dh and you going to stay with family to now its hardly ever happened and he stops you seeing people?

In all honesty if it was a member of his family it wouldn't worry me at all. We are not going to sleeping to be in it so why not let someone else sleep in it. But he knows I wouldn't say no.

You should have consulted your husband before agreeing to anything. Honestly, you should have declined immediately. Your brother should find his own solutions to his issues.

Ignoring and undermining your husband's feelings is unfair. After all, it's his home too, and they don't even get along.

This isn't your responsibility. Don't let your brother rely on you as his rescuer.

Your brother seems to take advantage, expecting to stay either temporarily or permanently because he knows you'd let him.

He and his kids will likely still be there when you both return, requesting an extended stay.

Apologize to your husband if you don't want to risk losing him, and firmly tell your brother no.

Sorry maybe I haven't been clear. We often stay in his brothers house or his brother stays in ours - however he isn't particularly close to his brother and rarely actually sees him. Most years when we are away we have someone stay in our house ( DH normally likes this for security reasons- its just because its my brother that he is not keen).

So your husband is actually fine with most people staying in your house, including your parents and your friend's daughter. So his objection to your brother isn't controlling or a blanket antipathy to your friends and family - it's a specific individual he dislikes, who happens to be your brother.

You really need to respect the fact that he doesn't like your brother and is therefore entitled to not have a person he dislikes sleeping in his house. You're very keen to emphasise that you're the kind of saint who couldn't possibly see anything but the best in anyone else, but the result is that you seem to think you're entitled to trample all over your husband's reasonable boundaries.

And it can't bear repeating enough, both people who own a house get 100% veto over who comes into it. Just because you can't imagine yourself saying no to anyone doesn't mean that your husband should behave in the same doormat-like way.

You're really determined to paint your husband as some kind of dictator / antisocial weirdo aren't you? It's a house he jointly owns and he doesn't want one particular person, who he doesn't like, and who doesn't like him, staying in it. It isn't a holiday home, it isn't an AirBnB, it's his home, with his personal things in it. It's supposed to be a safe, private space. He isn't saying you can't see your brother, or have your own relationship with your brother. He just doesn't want him holidaying in his home, using his things. Or sleeping in his bed! FFS I don't even want anyone I do like sleeping in my bed, let alone someone I actively dislike.

And you know that, and yet you insist that acting as some kind of free Butlins for your brother and his kids is 'the right thing to do'. Do you actually like your husband and have any respect at all for his feelings? It really doesn't seem like it.

If he had universally decreed that none of your family or friends were ever allowed over the doorstep that would be different, and I would agree with you that you were being dictated to.

He really isn't unreasonable. I have a friend that DH really doesn't get on with - I would never in a million years expect him to agree to her staying here if we were away.

I agree

Same, I can't imagine why you'd remain with someone you see as an authoritative dictator, cruelly blocking you from a relationship with your wonderful sibling and not allowing you to free air bnb the family home to him, or alternatively pay for a holiday for him from family funds...

I would lose my shit over this tbh, in your DH’s shoes. I wouldn’t unilaterally invite someone to stay and nor would my husband, and that’s even if they were liked/loved by us both. Inviting someone to stay requires both to say ‘yes’.

That you wouldn’t mind it being done to you is irrelevant, because your husband would.

OP, you've described your brother as "a good man who has made some bad choices". What were those choices? I'm getting the feeling they might be relevant here.

They’re definitely relevant. Otherwise she wouldn’t be so evasive about it, nor laying on the victim narrative quite so strong.

Clearly her husband feels the ‘bad choices’ are pretty relevant to his feelings about her brother.

OP I think this would be a deal breaker for me, in your DHs shoes. If my DH insisted that his sister (who I don't like) was staying in OUR home, in OUR bed whilst we were away and ignored me saying 'No' then I'd be ending the marriage to be honest.

People have told you how disrespectful it is to your partner. I would not be prepared to stay married to someone who walked all over me like you appear to be intending to do to your DH.

My home is my safe, private space. If someone ignored my boundaries and invited people I don't like to live in it whilst I was away I'd never be able to trust or respect them again. I'd be done.

The crap you are coming out with about being 'kind' is ludicrous. You aren't in the least bit kind to your DH - the person you should owe your loyalty to.

Two separate issues here so I'll keep it brief.

1. I do think you're being unreasonable, telling your brother he can stay without discussing it with your husband. It's likely he's told the kids and they're excited about their 'holiday'. Whilst I agree that DH shouldn't dictate or get the final say, he has a right to agree to not have someone staying in his house for a week that he doesn't particularly like.

1. However from what you've described, I do think your DH is a controlling arse. Your posts about how he would prefer it to just be the four of you and doesn't understand why you're close to your family are giving me big red flag vibes. I'd observe how he is with your other family members to make sure he's not sulking and trying to subtly cut you off from them.