DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

[sewknit56]

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

It’s not about asking permission, it’s about both people whose house it is agreeing.

If one person in a couple wants a dog and the other doesn’t, you don’t get a dog. If one wants a baby but the other doesn’t, you don’t have one. For the status quo to change, both need to agree.

What beliefs or political views does your DH object to, OP?

If he's otherwise fine with everyone else house sitting for you, then my previous posts don't carry as much weight. If his attitude is purely down to a personality clash, I get why you're annoyed and frustrated.

Having said that, you still put your brother is a difficult situation by saying yes without having this discussion with your DH first.

OP I think you need to stop rushing in to rescue people, like your DB, from the natural consequences of events like his divorce. The universe doesn’t owe your niblings a specific kind of vacation to make up for the divorce. DB needs to get on the stick and get creative about how he is going to parent going forward. He isn’t a victim, your ex SIL isn’t a persecutor, and you don’t need to blow up your marriage to rescue him.

Sorry but this.
Both must agree.

Does your DH really not matter to you OP? And to add insult to injury, you've invited someone your DH doesn't like to sleep in his bed?!

Honestly I would be so deeply hurt and livid if my DH did to me what you're planning on doing to yours. So utterly disrespectful.

Good grief, talk about creating a problem.

The way you've gone about it guarantees conflict now.

Is your brother going to trash the house? If not, then of course he can stay.

@Astariel "then actually act like you and your DH are a partnership."

Same goes for the dh surely. He's being irrational-she isn't.

You either both agree or it doesn’t happen.

And wtf are niblings? Some kind of snack or something? 😵‍💫

Oh please!

As your DH got on well with DB’s ex could she have told DH more stuff that you are unaware of re DB and divorce?

You've already said yes without speaking to your DH. That's fucked up as it is.

Yes it is your house. It's also DH's. Isn't it?

If your DH wanted someone you hated to stay in your house and sleep in your bed while you were away, would you be ok with it?

It doesn't change things just because the guest in question is your brother.

YABVVVVU.

He hasn’t invited someone she dislikes to stay in he house and sleep in her bed with no consultation though.

I think there is an underlying problem of "it's easier not to argue ". That needs sorting.

Kids are brother and ex wife's children they are 10 and 9 if that makes a difference. We have a 3 bed property so kids would have my kids rooms and DB would have our room.
I'd not want my in laws staying in my bed either, especially not someone I strongly dislike.

You obviously have a lot of loyalty to your brother OP, but let's stop pretending this is similar to a situation with a sister being left by her husband. In this situation your brother's ex wife was providing more for the family, the relationship has broken down and she is still providing for the children (whilst rightly wanting him to be doing his fair share) to compensate for him not having any money.The situations where men walk out regularly involve them not paying anything for their children.
Even if it were a sister, it's reasonable for someone to say they don't want their in-laws living in their house and sleeping in their bed.

Would you let someone you didn't like and didn't like you sleep in your bed?

A house is both a huge investment and a very personal item. Sharing requires the consent of both owners and only one veto is sufficient to scuttle plans.

agreeing to let your brother stay without your husband’s consent could do serious harm to your marriage.

I wonder if it would get the same response if my brother was a sister and her Dh had left her with the kids!

Woman are, without doubt, always told that once they seperate from their husband they can no longer financially rely on him. Often brutally.
If his ex wife is the biological mother of the children and they live solely with your brother, then she should be paying maintainance.

@sewknit56

I will maybe pay for them to stay in an air bnb somewhere - that way nobody gets upset or angry.

Do you have enough of your own money to pay for this OP? If so that might be a temporary solution. That way your brother and his children would get a bit of a break but not be in your marital home.

I'm assuming your husband would object to money coming out of the joint account, which is why I'm asking if you have your own money. 🌹

Good luck with that 🫣

Yeah you can't agree without DHs agreement.

Yes, you must ask his permission. It's his house too. You leave the house as is unless you both agree.

Not doubting your brother buuuut, if you came home and he was still there, with his children and had decided to stay. What would you do?
Not easy to throw out a man and children.
Less dramatic, what if he hasn't cleaned up?
What if hes used loads of water, electricity, gas, etc.
What if hes gone through your house looking in places he shouldnt, finding papers, opening your post and more?

I think this is the best idea. You sound a very kind sister but be careful you don’t make things too easy for your DB. He needs the incentive to look for work.

I absolutely gautentee that they will break or damage something while you are away and your husband will be livid.

I would actually leave my partner over this. My house is my space with all my things in it. For him to go behind my back and invite 3 people into it without my consent, where my things maybe damaged or left in a mess, would be such a sign of disrespect that I'd end it. It's literally not worth having a partner who is so selfish and such a liability.

@sewknit56 you keep, mentioning reasons your dh might unreasonable. There’s a few people he doesn’t get on with, as an example. Then talking about how you get on with everyone and are kind to everyone and so on. You talk about your husband negatively, then talk about how sad your dbro is and lots of things to evoke sympathy.

It’s a really subtle way, that people use to try and turn people to believe they are great and the current focus of their annoyance is bad.

Yet, your brother knows your dh doesn’t like him. Yet asked to stay in your shared home. He didn’t ask you both. He asked you because he knew you wouldn’t say no. That’s not kind. Towards you or towards your husband and your family. He knew it would cause an issue. But put what he wanted first.

You said yes, without even discussing it with your husband and seem to think that as you part own the home you get the final say. Which makes no sense. You then planned on waiting ages to tell dh and try and force him into accepting it. That’s not the behaviour of someone who is kind and generous.

It actually sounds like your husband has boundaries. You have poor ones (which your brother knows) but framed this as ‘I am so kind and generous that why I do these things’ because it’s better than admitting your boundaries aren’t great. You then trample your husbands. But framing it as kind and generous makes it sound positive.

It’s impossible to get on with everyone. Being kind to everyone whilst upsetting your husband isn’t kind at all. Many of us have had poor boundaries at one time or another and we have to get better, because we usually end up causing more problems than it solves.