DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

[sewknit56]

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

my DH says I am too nice to my DB and I let him walk all over me and there is more to his divorce.

I was wondering if this was the case. Your DB seems good at getting women to take care of him. Seems his exW reached her limit and now he gets you to step up and provide for him and his kids. ExW is right that he needs to get a better job and provide for his own kids.

It certainly does @NeverDropYourMooncup. I wouldn't be able to stomach him either if that was the case and OP was an enabling sister.
However, she hasn't answered the question so I may just be letting my imagination run wild 😊

I don't understand why anyone would think it was ok to offer their house to anyone without running it past her dh though? I would never dream of doing that.

But what has his per cent of the blame in the breakdown of his marriage go to do with the husband demanding the OP’s ask his permission so that he can refuse it?
An exact percentage doesn't make much difference in my opinion. If the DH has grounds for not wanting to open his house to someone he doesn't like, that's enough in my opinion.

What's telling to me is how often men who make some "bad decisions", haven't got any money, can't look after themselves, haven't got money for their children etc so often seem to also have the apparently awfully unreasonable ex partner (aka woman is no longer willing to bankroll them), it's unfair that they're expected to get a job/a better job, and they're straight to family with the "but won't you think of the kids" line to try to guilt family into falling in line. It's also interesting how often this sort of behaviour causes conflict in their relatives relationship because relatives' partners see through it.

You do like to twist things, don’t you? You turned my ‘difficult to believe’ into refuse, and now you’ve turned the OPs view/feeling that her husband won’t be happy (bearing in mind she hasn’t actually spoken to him as far as we know) into him demanding she asks permission!! Either comprehension isn’t your strong point, or you’re being deliberately provocative for some reason.

Nowhere have I mentioned percentage of blame. That’s another of your inventions. What I have said is that, based on what has been posted about her husband, her brother and his about-to-be ex wife, in my opinion there are probably good reasons for her husband not wanting him in their (not his, not hers - theirs) home for the week. And as opinions are all that most of us can post on this topic, as only one of the three (or four if we bring the brothers wife into it) people actually involved are posting in this thread, that’s entirely reasonable.

In situations like this I would say unless both agree then it's a no.

Eh? If my dh said that in company then I would point out it was good manners to ask the other person who pays the mortgage before telling someone they could stay in the house for a week! I'm quite sure everyone else would agree too. That would make the OP look silly.
We have no idea why the dh doesn't like the brother either. Her friends may agree with him. Especially if my theory is correct about him expecting his ex to fund him and his kids. From what the OP wrote, she expected it too.

I don’t understand - if your DB knows the relationship between him and your DH is very poor, why would he ask if he can stay in your home? He must know it will cause a huge argument at home.

Of course he needs to agree! And I'd be saying fuck no to anyone staying when I'm not there irregardless of my relationship with them!

They could break stuff, they could go through all your belongings, move stuff, use it up. If there was an accident - e.g. stove got left on and there was a fire, would your insurance cover it as you aren't there? What if he leaves the door unlocked and you get burgled? Kids throw something and smashes up TV? How is your brother going to pay for any damage when you say yourself he's penniless?

Where they sleep? I wouldn't want anyone in my bed, I also wouldn't assume my kids would be happy with other kids sleeping in room and using stuff.

It's a stupid fucking idea all around. And your DH is right, you are a walk over.

Edit to add - their relationship is already shit. Letting them stay in the house even if DH agrees is an own goal. You're opening yourself up to him being like 'these scratches/marks weren't here before', 'where is X, they've used/taken it', 'this is broken' when you get back.

First time I've heard of 'niblings'. Great word.

Whether or not DH is right follows on from whether or not he is right about your DB.

From what you've written, DB might be a bit feckless and also holds different political views from your DH, but he hasn't behaved badly towards either of you or displayed moral values that you really can't support in relation to others? (unless the political views are also moral values, eg voting for Farage and suchlike..)

If I'm right on that I think your DH isn't justified in his view of DB's character ('there's more to this divorce' etc). He should also consider the fact that his refusal will impact the children as much if not more than your DB.

In short, he's being controlling and belligerent and YANBU.

But please for the love of god stop saying niblings.

Why don't you offer to have the children to stay there without him, and you can look after them?

Are they his ex's children, too? That's very unclear.

I'd be bloody furious if i was your husband. I'd absolutely hate the thought of someone I didn't get on with using my home in my absence let alone 2 kids poking thier noses everywhere.

Op what 'bad decisions' has your brother made?

It is so interesting reading everyone's opinions. We have always had people (family and very good friends) stay in our home whilst we have been on holiday (my parents, DH's brother, cousins etc )and we have had stayed in other peoples homes - whilst they have been away. It's just because he doesn't get on with my brother I know he won't like it.

Kids are brother and ex wife's children they are 10 and 9 if that makes a difference. We have a 3 bed property so kids would have my kids rooms and DB would have our room.

Lots of people on this thread are making out my DB is a bad person and I know we only know one side as in all divorces/family break up's but he wants the best for his kids and he wasn't the one who walked out on them. I wonder if it would get the same response if my brother was a sister and her Dh had left her with the kids! He tries his best but does find it very hard now working full time and being a full time dad and yes I know lots of people do but kids are suffering because there mum has other priorities now.

I just dont think it is abnormal to have people looking after your house when you away (a form of house sitting really) and I also don't think my DH should dictate to me because I would never ever tell him who or who he couldn't have to stay in our house unless they were a convicted criminal or something.

Obviously I am going to speak to him about it but it will just turn into a "lets slag my brother off" argument.

My home is my sanctuary and I'm particular about how my possessions are treated. If anyone offered it to others, especially children, without my consent, I'd consider that a dealbreaker.

You are kind to want to help your brother, but not at your husband's expense.

Fucking hell! What if he'd had an accident! Did he ever clean up the mess, replace the crockery or apologise?

I'd have fucking lost it!

I wouldn't be happy with someone I don't like or get on with, staying in my house when I'm not there. My house is my space and I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all.

Flip it round and make it a SIL you don't get on with at all, would you be happy with her staying in your home?

Did you grow up with a family dynamic where you always put everyone first - especially your brother - and felt the need to people please?

it sound like it.

You can’t just invite your brother to stay in your bedroom - sleeping in your husband’s bed.

It’s really petty and vindictive to bar a family member from your house because they have different views / personality from you. Your DH is a knob.

But it is tricky because obviously it’s his house too. But if your brother is sensible and house trained, supporting family is important. Having compassion for your wife’s family is usually part of being married. And ‘I don’t like him’ is playground stuff. So his reasons are not reasonable.

I would give it my best shot to get that over to him in a calm conversation.

@Codlingmoths it's not OP or her families responsibility to provide BIL family with holiday!! Some people do not want people they like staying in their home unattended, let alone ones they don't like. Ridiculous, feel free to "walk through fire" to enable something you don't understand.

It's not comparable to a sister. A sister wouldn't wank/jizz in the bed for a start, so is much less unappealing than having a single brother staying for a week. Perhaps not the biggest issue but a factor I'd struggle with.

(Just to lower the tone for a mo)

So just to be clear...do you mean your SIL has abandoned the kids and no longer sees them? She no longer has them overnight?

I wouldn't feel comfortable having people stay in my home when we're not there. We do often have family to stay over though when they visit.

I think you should have to seek permission from the other partner regardless. I think given how your dh feels about your db it will likely lead to further bad feelings. Your dh will likely nit pick if something small gets broken or there's a small stain left. Not worth it.

I trust my brother and know he would be respectful. He would treat the house with respect like he does his own just like we do when we stay in other peoples houses. And as for going through our stuff........... I can't believe anyone would do that - it has never ever crossed my mind..............the more I read this thread the more realise I am just too nice or a walkover .. my DH doesn't like a few of my friends either - he is quite picky about who he likes and who he doesn't and I admit it is the one thing I don't like about him - I like and can get on with most people regardless of their beliefs or personality.

You've said you're all about being kind etc.... Yet you don't think it would be 'kind' to your husband that he doesn't want someone sleeping in his bed?! You really should be putting your dhs feelings above all other's in this situation as its his choice too