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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

220 replies

sewknit56 · 14/04/2024 13:50

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 14/04/2024 17:58

@CatamaranViper "Would you let someone you didn't like and didn't like you sleep in your bed?"

If it was someone my dp liked and I didn't have to sleep in the bed with them then yes.

MyWhoHa · 14/04/2024 18:08

HRTFT. Your husband was pleased when your brother's marriage broke down? That doesn't sound very nice.

WinterDeWinter · 14/04/2024 18:14

sewknit56 · 14/04/2024 16:34

I trust my brother and know he would be respectful. He would treat the house with respect like he does his own just like we do when we stay in other peoples houses. And as for going through our stuff........... I can't believe anyone would do that - it has never ever crossed my mind..............the more I read this thread the more realise I am just too nice or a walkover .. my DH doesn't like a few of my friends either - he is quite picky about who he likes and who he doesn't and I admit it is the one thing I don't like about him - I like and can get on with most people regardless of their beliefs or personality.

.the more I read this thread the more realise I am just too nice or a walkover ..

But it's also possible that he (and lots of posters on here) are unusually uptight domineering people and you are in the normal range.

I think it's interesting that you, a very tolerant person, say that his intolerance is the one thing you don't like about him. It tells me he's a prick if Im honest 😁

If you often have people staying while you're not here, and you yourselves habitually stay in others houses, it's clearly not because, like some on here, he's very anxious about privacy or cleanliness or breakages or whatever.

He's just being a domineering arse because it's your brother.

Ask him how he'd feel if you decided to be as judgemental as him, stopped being easygoing with his family, and started banning them from the house?

He won't like it up him, Capt Mannering.

Larfi · 14/04/2024 18:15

Itsonlymashadow · 14/04/2024 17:53

@sewknit56 you keep, mentioning reasons your dh might unreasonable. There’s a few people he doesn’t get on with, as an example. Then talking about how you get on with everyone and are kind to everyone and so on. You talk about your husband negatively, then talk about how sad your dbro is and lots of things to evoke sympathy.

It’s a really subtle way, that people use to try and turn people to believe they are great and the current focus of their annoyance is bad.

Yet, your brother knows your dh doesn’t like him. Yet asked to stay in your shared home. He didn’t ask you both. He asked you because he knew you wouldn’t say no. That’s not kind. Towards you or towards your husband and your family. He knew it would cause an issue. But put what he wanted first.

You said yes, without even discussing it with your husband and seem to think that as you part own the home you get the final say. Which makes no sense. You then planned on waiting ages to tell dh and try and force him into accepting it. That’s not the behaviour of someone who is kind and generous.

It actually sounds like your husband has boundaries. You have poor ones (which your brother knows) but framed this as ‘I am so kind and generous that why I do these things’ because it’s better than admitting your boundaries aren’t great. You then trample your husbands. But framing it as kind and generous makes it sound positive.

It’s impossible to get on with everyone. Being kind to everyone whilst upsetting your husband isn’t kind at all. Many of us have had poor boundaries at one time or another and we have to get better, because we usually end up causing more problems than it solves.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Exactly that

Astariel · 14/04/2024 18:17

I agree with @Itsonlymashadow that you really need to consider whether you are being ‘kind’.

You admit you didn’t think about your husband’s feelings at all. And that he thinks your brother basically takes advantage of you.

At the same time, you’re weirdly focused on how not doing what your brother wants is not kind, telling us how much of a victim your brother is, and even saying you’ll just pay for your brother to stay in an air b&b.

It really does make me wonder if you grew up pandering to your brother and even now can’t see your role as anything other than just providing what your brother expects.

Greywitch2 · 14/04/2024 18:24

I don't want someone I don't like in my home. And certainly not when I'm away.

Would you want your SIL in your home? If not, your DH is perfectly reasonable not to want your brother and his kids there. For a start, I assume your DB will be sleeping in your bed?

I feel ill at the thought of someone I don't like in my bed, in my bedroom and in my private space. I'd feel really invaded.

conniecon · 14/04/2024 18:31

No way.

If my DH did this with his brother who he knows I think is a knob we'd be in serious trouble.

It would feel a like an invasion of private space.

So I'm with your DH here sorry.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2024 18:34

What are your husband’s redeeming qualities? He doesn’t like some of your friends, hates your db, was happy when his ex divorced him. Is happy to let his brother stay at your home but not yours.

LeoTheLeopard · 14/04/2024 18:36

Shinyandnew1 · 14/04/2024 16:36

It’s not about asking permission, it’s about both people whose house it is agreeing.

If one person in a couple wants a dog and the other doesn’t, you don’t get a dog. If one wants a baby but the other doesn’t, you don’t have one. For the status quo to change, both need to agree.

Show quote history

Are you honestly equating your BIL staying in your house … whilst you aren’t there, with having a baby.

In any case the one who always says No on one topic, are always very happy to be obstructive on every topic.

LeoTheLeopard · 14/04/2024 18:44

Anotherparkingthread · 14/04/2024 17:50

I absolutely gautentee that they will break or damage something while you are away and your husband will be livid.

I would actually leave my partner over this. My house is my space with all my things in it. For him to go behind my back and invite 3 people into it without my consent, where my things maybe damaged or left in a mess, would be such a sign of disrespect that I'd end it. It's literally not worth having a partner who is so selfish and such a liability.

Maybe your partner would leave you first for having a different and incompatible value system? My ex was like you and it was something I was happy to see the back of when I got divorced.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 14/04/2024 18:44

sewknit56 · 14/04/2024 16:34

I trust my brother and know he would be respectful. He would treat the house with respect like he does his own just like we do when we stay in other peoples houses. And as for going through our stuff........... I can't believe anyone would do that - it has never ever crossed my mind..............the more I read this thread the more realise I am just too nice or a walkover .. my DH doesn't like a few of my friends either - he is quite picky about who he likes and who he doesn't and I admit it is the one thing I don't like about him - I like and can get on with most people regardless of their beliefs or personality.

DH got on really well with DB's ex and loves the fact that she left him

This is fucking weird.

Him disliking so many people close to you is a 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Anotherparkingthread · 14/04/2024 18:47

LeoTheLeopard · 14/04/2024 18:44

Maybe your partner would leave you first for having a different and incompatible value system? My ex was like you and it was something I was happy to see the back of when I got divorced.

Show quote history

Congratulations to your ex, I can only imagine the sense of overwhelming relief he feels.

WinterDeWinter · 14/04/2024 18:55

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 14/04/2024 18:44

DH got on really well with DB's ex and loves the fact that she left him

This is fucking weird.

Him disliking so many people close to you is a 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Edited
Show quote history

I agree!

He doesn't like her brother with whom she was previously very close. He doesn't like quite a few of her friends (the feminist ones, maybe?)

When does this become 'isolating her from her support system?'

aloris · 14/04/2024 19:06

Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm understanding this as you didn't make it explicit in your posts. However it seems to be implied from various things you've said.

"She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. "

"DH got on really well with DB's ex and loves the fact that she left him- she was never overly maternal and when it came to her job or the being a mum she chose her work."

"DB literally doesn't have a penny to his name as his ex thinks he should get a better job to support his kids rather then her paying for them now she longer lives with them."

Are we to understand from this that your brother has always been the primary caregiver to the kids and now has sole custody of the children, but that his soon-to-be-ex wife is unwilling to pay child support? How is it that he "doesn't have a penny to his name" when they were married. Aren't their marital assets going to be split? Or is there a pre-nup or something? This all sounds fairly unusual.

CatamaranViper · 14/04/2024 19:23

CurlewKate · 14/04/2024 17:58

@CatamaranViper "Would you let someone you didn't like and didn't like you sleep in your bed?"

If it was someone my dp liked and I didn't have to sleep in the bed with them then yes.

Okay. I wouldn't. That's a massive boundary for me. Sounds like the DH has a similar boundary to me which should be respected. As should any and all of her boundaries, your boundaries, mine, his etc etc. people are entitled to have things they wouldn't be okay with and shouldn't be forced to accept their boundaries being broken.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 14/04/2024 19:35

LeoTheLeopard · 14/04/2024 14:02

Of course there is a cohort who are deeply resentful of someone touching the doorbell never mind crossing the threshold.

sadly those posters cannot accept their (delight at ) putting a wedge between siblings, and demand that their spouse be hurt whilst they themselves would never be prepared to be treated in the same way, nor actually say it themselves.

To use my SIL phrase your husband “is just not a very nice person”. He cares not for your feelings or any upset he will cause. He will relish putting your brother “in his place” to feed his own ego.

Or he may, for perfectly valid reasons detest his BIL.

Whatever the position is, the OP should have discussed it with her DH first.

BruFord · 14/04/2024 19:44

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/04/2024 16:21

My home is my sanctuary and I'm particular about how my possessions are treated. If anyone offered it to others, especially children, without my consent, I'd consider that a dealbreaker.

You are kind to want to help your brother, but not at your husband's expense.

@BettyBardMacDonald The OP and her DH feel very differently about their home, however:

We have always had people (family and very good friends) stay in our home whilst we have been on holiday (my parents, DH's brother, cousins etc ).

Her DH is fine for many people to stay in their house, just not her brother. I wonder what he’d say if next time HIS brother wants to stay, she says no?

Fair enough that he doesn’t get on with the bloke, but there’s clear double standards going on here, isn’t there?

But I accept that they have to agree before he can stay-i just hope that the OP has the strength to object next time her DH’s family want to stay.

unsync · 14/04/2024 20:10

Can you help your brother in other ways? You imply that he has the kids full time and works full time, but his ex is not helping. Has he got his CMS sorted out? Is he getting child benefit? Does he qualify for UC? Practical help like this might benefit him and his children more in the long run, and help him get back on his feet.

LeoTheLeopard · 14/04/2024 20:32

Anotherparkingthread · 14/04/2024 18:47

Congratulations to your ex, I can only imagine the sense of overwhelming relief he feels.

Show quote history

No, he still likes to send nasty (in his case abusive) messages when he finds I presume to have an opinion he doesn’t like. Shall I send you his number, it seems like you two would be a good match?

Original poster
sewknit56 · 14/04/2024 20:55

So a few things -

  • His ex wife has a huge amount of debt and I don't know the ins and outs but as well as trying to clear her debts she wastes money and still spends money like water and that leaves next to nothing for the children although she earns a good salary. They are not formally divorced yet and is in the hands of a solicitor to sort out the financial side
  • My DB is 11 years younger than me so I have always felt a little protective of him.
  • DH isn't close to his family and finds it strange that I have a good (he calls weird) relationship with mine. He thinks it odd that they come to kids birthday parties, we have get togethers for members of the family's birthdays, anniversaries etc. He would much prefer that it was just the 4 of us and doesn't get the whole extended family thing. He is closest to his brother but they live miles away from each other and keep in touch phone text etc but would never really make an effort to see each other. As mentioned previously we have stayed in each others houses a few times over the years as it is a cheap way to have a holiday but he wouldn't have much interest in seeing him.
  • DH gets on better with women and ex wife had a shared interest (same hobby) with him so they could chat all day. He thinks she did the right thing in leaving DB as he finds him very irritating.
  • He thinks I waste so much time within my own family that it encroaches on "our time" and that he won't mix both as he doesn't really get them.
  • DB's kids are close to their maternal grandparents and there is a chance that his kids may go away with them for a week in the holidays and it could be the same week we are away so the week in our house may not happen so I don't want to mention anything and cause friction when it may not even happen.
OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 14/04/2024 21:50

LeoTheLeopard · 14/04/2024 20:32

No, he still likes to send nasty (in his case abusive) messages when he finds I presume to have an opinion he doesn’t like. Shall I send you his number, it seems like you two would be a good match?

Show quote history

No thanks, my absolutely perfect partner, who I've been with for years, and also doesn't feel the need to lie, go behind my back, or bring unwelcome guests into the house, wouldn't like that very much.

CurlewKate · 14/04/2024 21:56

@CatamaranViper but what if one of my boundaries was supporting my family? It's my house too.

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 22:02

His ex wife has a huge amount of debt

You tend to be when you carry a household financially. I do know that. Of course, I have no doubt that your brother has nothing to do with any of this debt no?
You do have an interesting choice of words regarding your brother. You seem determined to paint him as a saintly victim and his ex and your dh as 'the baddies'. Very interesting dynamic.

LifeExperience · 14/04/2024 22:27

You do not have the right to invite your brother to stay without your dh's knowledge and agreement. Either member of a couple has the right to veto guests allowed in the family home, and it is selfish and disrespectful to go behind the other's back. Your dh has every right to be upset with you and to not trust you in future.

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2024 22:27

How you see this depends on how you understand the OP’s key relationships. I think both the men in her life are demanding and ego centric and OP loves being the “good, giving, caring” one who everybody loves and who “sees the best in everyone “ etc…etc…etc…

Both the dh and the bro are in conflict over how much of the shirt off her back OP gives.

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