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Original poster

DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

220 replies

sewknit56 · 14/04/2024 13:50

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2024 14:11

I'd be furious if DH allowed people to stay in our house without discussing it with me first, especially if they were being given full use of our house without us there.

You know there's conflict between your DB and DH and yet you've gone out your way to put a conflict in your marriage.

What's the reason your DH doesn't like your DB?

2chocolateoranges · 14/04/2024 14:11

I wouldn’t be happy if dh told someone they could stay in our house while we were away. This needs discussion and also respect from either side. I wouldn’t have my brother or dh’s brother staying in our home if we were away .

saraclara · 14/04/2024 14:11

In your husband's position I'd be furious that you agreed to this without discussion. That's absolutely appalling of you, and means that he's going to react angrily.

Not just that, but you've put your brother in a terrible position. You've offered something that you might now need to withdraw, or if he does stay there it's going to be incredibly awkward.

You've behaved terribly.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 14/04/2024 14:12

Astariel · 14/04/2024 14:07

Why have you discounted the possibility that the OP’s brother is a nightmare and her husband has very good reasons for not wanting him in the house?

Show quote history

Well exactly, and whatever the cause of the apparently acrimonious divorce that the brother is going through, I find it hard to believe that he’s blameless in it. I suspect the OPs husband has very good reasons for not liking the brother, and for not wanting him in the house.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 14/04/2024 14:16

Is your DHs likely fear that the dcs will break something valid? Is your brother not very good at supervising his dcs?

I know you want to do something nice for your brother, but you do understand you are doing so by doing something horrible for your dh, how much has your holiday cost? Mines going to be quite expensive this year, I’d be super pissed off dh had set to it to ruin it for me- and you know if dh agrees to db staying it’s going to ruin DHs holiday worrying.

do you and dh have separate “fun” money? Could you afford to pay for your dh to take his dcs on a cheap break somewhere?

saraclara · 14/04/2024 14:16

whatever the cause of the apparently acrimonious divorce that the brother is going through, I find it hard to believe that he’s blameless in it.

Do you know this person @Tryingtokeepgoing ? Or have you decided that, just because he's a man?
If a woman is going through an acrimonious divorce, do you likewise refuse to believe that she's blameless?

Mischance · 14/04/2024 14:18

It is fine fr you to wish to have DB there, but not fine to agree to it without consulting DH!

CompSc4542 · 14/04/2024 14:22

Put it this way, what if this was in reverse and it was you who hated DH sister and he invited her without discussing first..… how would you feel?

pizzaHeart · 14/04/2024 14:24

I think it matters a lot why DH doesn’t like your brother staying in your house. I wouldn’t like certain people whom I don’t like to be able to stay in my house and snooping through my things etc etc. Also I would only allow people to stay in these circumstances with whom I have similar views on house rules.
Political views doesn’t matter around the household issues but I’ve noticed that people having different political views usually have different views about tidiness, safety, level of noise, who pays for the damage etc etc. So I think you should address there’s particular concerns with your DH.
I would start the conversation with the apology that you knew you were wrong to make this decision without him ( because you were) but you were really worried about children (your nieces and nephews) and it’s for them not for your brother ( and it’s true) .

Original poster

sewknit56 · 14/04/2024 14:30

My DB is a good man he has made some bad decisions over the years - I agree. He is quite argumentative and stubborn and so is my DH - so they just clash. DH got on really well with DB's ex and loves the fact that she left him- she was never overly maternal and when it came to her job or the being a mum she chose her work. Because DH and him don't get on he thinks my DB was the cause of the divorce but TBH no one really knows the truth. DB literally doesn't have a penny to his name as his ex thinks he should get a better job to support his kids rather then her paying for them now she longer lives with them. I would love to be able to know that he has been able to give my niblings a mini holiday.

DH would never stop me seeing DB but will have nothing to so with him himself, but can't understand what I see in him as I have to keep reminding him he is my brother and although they are very vert different it doesn't mean my DB is a bad person.

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 14/04/2024 14:32

Could you try to smooth this over by pre-booking a verybextensive cleaner session before your return? And also, personally spend a couple of hours putting away and then retrieving anything fragile.

Tatas · 14/04/2024 14:35

I'm really on your DHs side here - your home is exactly that, the home you both share. You both need to be in total agreement about something like allowing someone (plus kids!) to stay in the house unattended. It's an extra stress making sure things are clean and ready for house sitters, tidying valuables / breakables away, coming home after holiday to a house that needs to be cleaned and sorted out because it's been occupied etc.

I'd not be impressed if DH offered out our home to family members I didn't like without talking to me first, it's incredibly rude.

Doing something nice for your brother at the expense of doing something horrible you know your DH won't like is a really bad idea to me. I think you need to rescind the offer!

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 14:39

Was your brothers ex the children's mother? I think we might be getting somewhere here...

Dora33 · 14/04/2024 14:39

I would be very uncomfortable having someone who I didnt like and didn't like me, staying in my home while I was away.
I'm surprised your brother asked, knowing how he and your husband feel about each other.
You were unreasonable to agree to your brother staying. Would your husband still want to go away , leaving your brother in your home?

caringcarer · 14/04/2024 14:41

I'd be telling DH I'd put anything breakable away for safety and would book a cleaner for before you got home. I'd tell dB to leave the house tidy and clean and not to drink DH's good wine. If I can do a good turn for any of my family I would do but DH does too. I've hosted one of my DH nieces who is light fingered in the past and one of my necklaces disappeared whilst she was here. I just gritted my teeth and said nothing because she would have just denied knowing anything about it but DH would have been really upset and embarrassed about it. I just don't invite her again.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 14/04/2024 14:42

Well I think dh is an absolute selfish arse. As long as the house is looked after and any possible breakages replaced ( although why presume this?) why not be nice to a sibling? Especially as dh has come between their relationship already, he sounds like a twat.

CattyCow · 14/04/2024 14:43

It's starting to sound like your DB who has "made bad decisions" is a cocklodger who relied on his wife earning.

MissBuzzard · 14/04/2024 14:43

This situation has "brother can't leave when we get back due to <insert divorce stuff>" written all over it for me.

beetr00 · 14/04/2024 14:45

@sewknit56 Have you read @SmallestInTheClass and @CompSc4542

"what if this was in reverse and it was you who hated DH's sister and he invited her without discussing first"

how would you feel?

iamwhatiam23 · 14/04/2024 14:50

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 14/04/2024 14:42

This!! Your DH sounds like a bit of a prick tbh!

Dartwarbler · 14/04/2024 14:50

For me it’s the difference between your db staying when the house is empty vs when you are there

if you’re there your db is coming to spend time socialising with his sister. Dh has no rights to stop that. It is a shared home and db is your family

if you’re not there, or anyone else, your DB is nearly using you and your dh home as a convenience. That raises questions of trust around what DB will do and not do in your home. People have hugely different views on this. I’d frankly not even let my now very adult and independent DC stay in my house if I’m not there - I’m a clean freak and don’t want my home messed up or messed with when I’m not there - I would stress about having to walk into mess when I got home. Do for me it’s mess and cleanliness, but it could be thought of snooping, using “my” stuff etc for someone else. It needs total trust.

you may be relaxed and laid back at what your db and his kids do yo and in your house whilst you’re away. But, in this case, even if they got on well, if dh doesn’t feel comfortable with this, his views trump yours. It is not denying you your db company. It is merely saying, nope we don’t let anyone use our home when we’re away- and that isn’t that unusual.

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2024 14:51

The wording here is interesting:

DB literally doesn't have a penny to his name as his ex thinks he should get a better job to support his kids rather then her paying for them now she longer lives with them.

Is his ex the children's mother or did he find himself a new partner with a good job that he hoped would fund him and his kids indefinitely?

He sounds like a potential cocklodger who thinks other people owe him a living.

MississippiAF · 14/04/2024 14:53

If one of you isn’t in agreement, then it’s a no. I’d be furious if I was your DH.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/04/2024 14:53

You really should have discussed this with your husband first. That's just common sense in a relationship.

Original poster

sewknit56 · 14/04/2024 14:54

I suppose my main question is - is should I have to ask his permission? I know he will say no. Holiday isn't till the end of August and lots can change by then so I don't want to ask him now and there be a atmosphere for the next few months. I will discuss with him in the next few months but even if I discuss it I know he won't budge.

OP posts:

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