DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

[sewknit56]

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

This comment says a lot to me. Bending over backwards to please her brother means that she doesn't even consider her husband's feelings as important. It's not really that kind, when it comes down to it.

OP seems to think "not getting on with him" is a character flaw in her husband but to me, people who are actually discerning about who they like and dislike just have standards.

OP has been quite vague about the details of their differences but it doesn't matter. It's her husband's house and of course he gets a say in who stays there.

The hell would i be allowing someone i didn't like to sleep in my bed.

Given the OP’s updates, I agree with @unsync that supporting your brother in other ways might be the best path.

Your DH must truly detest your brother given that he’ll let so many other people stay while you’re away-parents on both sides, his brother, his cousins, close friends-just not your brother. He must have real animosity towards him and it’s unlikely to go away.

I’d be concerned about a husband laying down the law like that and OPs reluctance to discuss it with him. Some people don’t need reasons to dislike others and for me it’s a red flag when partners criticise friends and family endlessly. The fact you’re stressing about it says a lot about how you anticipate his reaction.

You should feel like you can ask your husband anything. He shouldn’t be refusing seemingly reasonable requests. Also making a big deal about hating your brother. What does that? It puts you in a terrible position.

Good luck with things OP. I do t think
your request would be unreasonable. Your husband sounds difficult though.

@gannett "It's her husband's house and of course he gets a say in who stays there."

But she doesn't?

The fact you’re stressing about it says a lot about how you anticipate his reaction.

but she’s ‘stressing’ because she’s told her brother he can stay and wants to know if she can just insist on this, regardless what her husband thinks. There would be an atmosphere because she was planning to just insist her brother is staying and her husband gets no choice. That is the sort of thing that will ‘create an atmosphere’ in any relationship.

I agree with PP that the dynamic is weird here. There is the odd hint that suggests her brother may, in fact, not be the saintly victim she’s painting him as (e.g. ‘he has made some bad decisions over the years - I agree. He is quite argumentative and stubborn’).

It’s also not true that the OP is the super kind person who likes everyone she tells us she is. She isn’t very interested in her husband’s feelings or perspective and clearly loathes her SIL (who is the pantomime villain in the story of her poor, victim brother). She’s also pretty keen to encourage the view that her husband is aligned to the villain SIL and just not nice.

I mean, if that is the case, then presumably the OP should also be considering getting divorced. It sounds like her marriage is a lower priority to her than being some sort of benefactor to her brother (and ‘niblings’ - which is a truly awful word).

I have to say I don't like your husband. He is backing a woman who has abandoned her children and doesn't provide for them financially. That says an awful lot about him.

Is it not the OP who's actually laying down the law, given that she wants to invite her brother to stay without either asking her husband or indeed caring what he thinks?

Of course she would get a veto if her husband wanted someone she disliked to stay in their house.

It’s a tricky one but I think I am with OP here.

You can accuse someone of being controlling both to invite someone against your spouse’s will or to exclude someone from your joint house, so there is no clear right or wrong. I do think excluding family is wrong though, without a really good reason.

But this is an empty house! Op’s husband doesn’t need to even see her brother. What is the worst he can do? Break a couple of things.

I don’t think wanting your brother to stay in the house whilst you’re not there is really laying down the law. OP’s DH is laying down the law and OP is clearly worried to even ask. That’s a pretty big red flag as far as I’m concerned.

The level of antipathy towards OP’s brother isn’t normal, even if the brother is annoying according to OPs DH.

OP your husband sounds at best inflexible, and controlling at worst.

Also @gannett I think the problem is that the OP is wayyyy too worried about what her husband thinks. It’s a totally reasonable request and this is OPs brother and her nieces / nephews.

Why should OP spend months worrying in advance about her husbands reaction to a perfectly normal request? That’s not healthy in any relationship.

good luck OP!

Then you can help and support your family but not at the expense of someone else. You discuss with your partner and reach a compromise. If one cannot be met then perhaps your relationship is fucked.

Of course she would get a veto if her husband wanted someone she disliked to stay in their house.
I agree. I think the person who wants to change from the current situation generally has the final say. Eg person who doesn't want a pet trumps the person who wants to bring a pet in, the person who doesn't want a baby trumps the person who wants a baby, the person who doesn't want to let some use their house and sleep in their bed trumps the person who thinks it's nice to do it.

What's interesting to me is that the OP says her brother has made bad decisions and her DH has been fine with these sorts of arrangements with other people, so it is something specific to the brother. Her DH thinks that she's too kind and her brother walks all over her, and her response to her DH not wanting brother to stay in the house is to consider paying for brother to have a holiday with his kids (which to me suggests the DH might have a point).
I'd be annoyed if DH invited people to stay in our house without a discussion and I'd also be annoyed if he seriously considered spending our family money giving a relative I disliked a holiday.

I can’t believe you described yourself as a kind person whilst planning to lie to your husband and drip feeding negative shit about him. Seems that kindness isn’t extended to your own husband. Just your brother.

personally if my husband did this I’d be furious. Utterly furious and would struggle to trust him again.

so maybe you and your beloved brother will end up setting up home together as you will both be separated.

I don't think you know what "laying down the law" means. OP intends to do what she wants and override her husband's concerns without even asking him. She's literally intending to get her way regardless of what he thinks. And she's framing it as "being kind" and "thinking the best of everyone".

And what do you mean, "not natural"? If I think someone's a twat it's perfectly natural to have antipathy to them and not want them to sleep in my house when I'm not there. Whether they're family or not is irrelevant. OP's husband clearly doesn't have an issue with people in general, given the number of house guests they DO have, and he's perfectly entitled to dislike the brother.

OP mentions political differences vaguely. Not sure who's on which side here but like hell would I allow a Farage voter to sleep in my house.

Is she not so worried because she's agreed to something without speaking with him and she knows he wouldn't be okay with it?

She knows she's done something she shouldn't have done and just doesn't want to deal with the consequences. She doesn't want to deal with the argument that will follow or the fact that she might have to uninvite her brother or the fact that her husband may be really, really hurt and it's the straw that broke the camels back etc.

She's not worried about what her husband thinks. She literally said in a previous post that she hasn't thought about how he'd feel at all. She's only annoyed because the consequence of overriding her husband's concerns is - naturally! - that he'll be annoyed at her. With a lot of justification! She's worried that she can't get her way consequence-free.

The OP isn’t doing that at all @gannett agreed the husband hasn’t actually said no yet. OP knows he will and is nervous. That’s a problem in a relationship.

DH hating OPs brother and it impacting relations is also a problem to be solved hopefully for OPs sake.

By ‘not normal’ I mean that exactly that.

the brother may be the biggest cunt on the planet but OP wants him to use her house and is seemingly anxious about even asking. Not normal or desirable in healthy relationships

It's equally unreasonable for him to say no and not budge as it is for youro say yes to your brother without talking to DH. You share the ownership and both get a say and neither should overrule the other. You talk about it until one of you convinces the other or you come up with compromises/additional actions to address the concerns/priorities of the person who ends up conceding.

I would be starting off with saying this is something you want to do for your nieces/nephews so that it isn't primarily about your brother. Presumably DH doesn't hate the kids too?

This would be an absolute no for me - and I like my BIL

However nice your brother is, he will not have the same rules or values, or attitude towards your house and possessions.

I would not be able to relax on holiday knowing someone was in my house, possibly rummaging through my belongings or damaging my property - and you cannot say with certainty that it won't happen because with children in the mix anything can happen.

Firstly it would be an absolute no from me and if you tried to push it then you would be going on holiday on your own whilst I stayed at home.

Petty- maybe, but it's how strongly I would feel about it.

This. Ultimately if one person doesn’t want someone in the house but someone else does, the status quo applies - no one stays in the house.

It was very shitty of you to say yes, and will likely cause a huge fallout.

Has op even considered her dc in this too? Their cousins taking over their rooms and beds for a week/fortnight? How old are your dc @sewknit56 and are they happy all their stuff is likely to be used? Or are they going to be guilted with #justbekind as well?

@gannett I think we’re reading OPs situation very differently. If OP weren’t worried she wouldn’t be posting here. She sounds worried to me. Most of us wouldn’t feel anxious about what is for most people a very normal request.

OP I’m going to reiterate that you shouldn’t be feeling anxious about asking your husband if your brother can stay, if that’s what you want. Is your brother banned from the house? Can he visit you or does your DH not like that either?

Because it’s his house too, and he has the right to say no.