DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

[sewknit56]

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

I'd be furious if my partner allowed someone I couldn't stand to stay in my home when I was away. In fact I would not join them on holiday but suggest they take their brother instead and they can both look for a new house on return.

Since you think they’d take care of the house I’d tell Dh this was really important to me for the children’s sake and if he seriously wanted to put his petty dislikes ahead of doing this zero effort thing for your nieces/nephews then you will look at him with a whole new set of eyes, and he can’t expect you to enjoy the holiday with him while you are sitting there thinking how petty he is.

Your DH maybe sees your brother more clearly than you

Well funnily enough the English/Welsh justice system no has now decided that, yes, he will have some responsibility as does she. Hence why they took a pragmatic view that pinning blame on either party was a fallacy and changed the law to remove the clause of blaming one party Only

so yep, according to law he has equal blame.

Yes, as it’s his house too.

Yes, you should. It's his house just as much as yours.

I personally don't get on with my SiL (DH's sister). I wouldn't love the idea of her staying in our house if we were away, but I wouldn't automatically block it by any means. I would however be absolutely furious if DH offered it up without even talking to me, especially knowing the relationship between me and SiL. I get you're in a hard position here OP, but as a million other replies have pointed out- it's your husband's house too. I'd be saying this even if he and your brother got on fantastically together.

Oh. He won’t budge?? I would tell him now, then tell him I’m judging him, if he won’t do this for me, i do wonder what the other limits of things he would do for me are since this seems a very low threshold already. But if he won’t do it for me, won’t he do it for the kids? And if he won’t do this for the kids, then he’s just not the man I thought I was marrying. And i would comment every single day from then on on how difficult it is to understand a man who would punish young children for sheer pettiness. And wonder aloud if he would do it for me if I were terminally ill. If he would let me take the kids to my brothers if positions were reversed and that was the only chance of our children having an holiday. Because I would walk through fire to give them that, but you it seems would say no you don’t get an holiday because uncle Joe annoys me. And when he couldn’t resist saying something like our positions wouldn’t be reversed because I’m nothing like your brother, you say no you’re clearly far more bitter and nasty, no need to drive it home you’ve made that very clear. Every single day, I would be water on the stone. You deserve more respect from your husband than you’re getting here.

I suppose my main question is - is should I have to ask his permission? I know he will say no. Holiday isn't till the end of August and lots can change by then so I don't want to ask him now and there be a atmosphere for the next few months. I will discuss with him in the next few months but even if I discuss it I know he won't budge.
I think you should ask permission.

Every marriage is different but to me it's basic courtesy. DH and I are a team and our house is our family home. Neither of us invites people to stay overnight without discussing it with the other and the same would apply to giving someone the use of our home in our absence.

Saying yes to your brother knowing your DH's feelings and knowing he's unlikely to change his mind comes across as sneaky to me.

Thanks for your comments my DH says I am too nice to my DB and I let him walk all over me and there is more to his divorce. I am just not used to being unkind to people ( and in my heart not letting him stay is unkind!) - I want to do the best for everyone and because I have a good relationship with my DB I find it hard when my DH won't get on with him.

I hadn't really thought of my DH's feelings because I wouldn't mind anyone in my house whilst we were away but i am a very different character to both DB and DH.

I will maybe pay for them to stay in an air bnb somewhere - that way nobody gets upset or angry.

Then the answer to this question is - yes.

yes you should discuss it and agree before letting someone else stay in your home - even if the someone else is someone your dh adores. Yes, you should get DHs agreement because he jointly owns the house so it should be a joint decision.

for something like this - both people who’s house it is should agree to allow someone to stay or it shouldn’t happen.

Honestly it would be better to help pay for a trip for your db than just give over your home.

I would have discussed it with my dh first yes.
Sorry for asking again @sewknit56 but is your brothers ex the biological mother of the children?

Team DH. I had a v similar situation years ago; close friend of ex's (who I also knew well) split with his partner and was sleeping on his mums sofa. Ex said he could stay at ours for a week with his kids, I wasn't happy but felt sorry for him and a bit cornered by the request as I felt I couldn't say no.

I didn't enjoy the holiday as I just wasnt happy about them being in the house, and enjoyed the aftermath even less - house was filthy, sticky handprints on walls, crockery broken. And to top it all off, I discovered he'd been using my company car...with no licence, let alone insurance. I'd hidden my keys right at the back of the wardrobe, but his kids had decided to have a nosy in there, pulled a load of shoes out and found the keys.

It's not fair to put this on your DH. Home should be a sanctuary, and I imagine it will definitely a) cause a row and b) spoil the holiday. If you're so desperate for your DB to have a holiday, pay for an AirBnB for him for a week!

So does your brother have sole (or almost-sole) care of the children?

Of course you should have his agreement. It's not about "permission" it's about both being comfortable with the arrangements.

I'm not one of those mumsnetters who doesn't let anyone through the front door. But I do value my privacy, so I'd be very uncomfortable with anyone I knew being able to look through my stuff while I'm not there. I once had a colleague who volunteered to come on to feed my cat while I was on holiday. When I got back, it was clear from her conversation that she'd looked through my belongings. That really freaked me out.

I'm happy having strangers come in to house sit or feed pets, because they don't know me and I don't need to see them again. But if there are friends and relatives visiting, I want to be there too. Not because I don't trust them, but because I value my privacy. And it would feel even worse if it was someone I didn't like it trust who could snoop through my belongings.

So yes, I'd be really upset if my DH hadn't considered my feelings and got my agreement before he made an offer like this.

Of course you have to ask, it’s also your husband’s house! I don’t get along with my BIL (although neither does DH really) and I would be fuming if DH decided he could stay in our home while we were away without even asking me, knowing I would say no.

Yes, your DH does need to agree to this as it’s his house too.

But, I have to say that your DH doesn’t sound particularly nice and rather intolerant from what you’re said about him. It would be lovely for your nieces/nephews to have a week away and surely any valuable breakables could be stored in high cupboards, for example.

Your brother isn’t dangerous or known for wrecking places/stealing, he’s just someone whom your DH has little in common with. I’m the same with my BILs, but I wouldn’t hesitate to help them out with this type of request.

It sounds as if your DH is someone who thinks primarily about himself, rather than other people, which isn’t a nice trait.

Does sound rather like a stepmother who had enough of being his banker, doesn't it?

Not sure how he can't have a penny to his name when there are adequate benefits for single parents. Not generous, no, but definitely adequate. Unless it's actually a staying contact thing and they usually live with their mother?

How would your husband feel if you brought this up in conversation with friends?

If you said - “oh DH expects me to ask permission, or preferably to know that he doesn’t permit people in the house. He would like me to have nothing to do with my brother (siblings? Parents?)”.
Would he be angry because you are expected to do his bidding, but without letting on that it is his command that is driving this?

Personally there’s enough to be doing when going on a family holiday with packing, emptying the fridge, getting the dog to kennels and also working and normal school life, without additionally changing bedsheets and cleaning for visitors, and coming home to a messy house.

It wouldn’t be for me, even if I didn’t have issues with the family member

Thank you! He really does!

Every word of this. What’s wrong with people!

I haven’t decided anything, and I didn’t use the word refuse. That’s your exagération. I said I hard to believe he’s blameless, but obviously I can only base that on the information here. What’s clear though is that his wife clearly doesn’t like him, and the OPs husband doesn’t either. His sister thinks he’s being hard done by. Balance of probabilities is that there are good reasons for the OPs husband not to what to give him free rein of the house for a week. And that’s fair enough.

But what has his per cent of the blame in the breakdown of his marriage go to do with the husband demanding the OP’s ask his permission so that he can refuse it?

as his ex thinks he should get a better job to support his kids rather then her paying for them now she longer lives with them.

@NeverDropYourMooncup There’s some typos, but I THINK that the OP is saying that the children live with her brother and he works, but isn’t a high earner like their Mum.
She is possibly either not paying CMS or paying the minimum?

Or is she their step-Mum? I assumed that she was their Mum? If she’s a SM, that’s completely different.