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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think tomorrow is the day - leaving emotional abuse

179 replies

CandyColouredEggshells · 12/04/2024 21:46

Not sure if anyone has seen my other post, I’ve been speaking to a DA charity and planning on doing a “moonlit flit” and I have a window of opportunity tomorrow which I don’t know when I’ll get again.

I’m feeling so, so guilty right now, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. Practically I’m 100% there but so scared! Keep on replaying all the times I’ve tried to leave before and the heartbreaking things he’s said to me in the past eg “don’t you want to grow old with me?” between sobs. Honestly don’t know how anyone ever has the strength to go through with this 😩😩

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 12/04/2024 21:55

Haven't seen your other post OP, but wish you the best in breaking away, if tomorrow does turn out to be the day. It sounds as though, despite the emotional turmoil, this is what you've decided you want and need.

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 12/04/2024 22:03

Will the Future You be grateful to Today You for doing it?
If the answer to this question is anything other than ‘No’ then go for it! Best wishes WTK

ForsythiaPlease · 12/04/2024 22:04

Think of it as one day, a day that you decide will be for you, not him. Then go to sleep knowing that you are safe, and that when you wake up the next day, that day is your gift to yourself. You don't have to say where you are. You don't have to explain. You don't have to make decisions and sort everything out all at once. You take this day, and all the other days that come after it, as your own. You will know what to do, be gentle with yourself. Your life is precious, and you matter. Stay safe.

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 12/04/2024 22:27

Wow, thank you for such prompt replies 🥰 it’s so stupid because I’ve spent the past few weeks organising everything so I can just empty certain drawers into bags and I timed myself doing it the other day… and yet tonight I’ve found myself looking at our wedding photos and stressing with the enormity of it 😔
I think part of it is I thought I’d have to have this conversation once, and I knew it’d be horrible but once it was done it was done but it didn’t work out like that (him not letting me leave or him demanding I came back until I relented) and once I went back it was hell for a week until it settled down, so I want to be sure I actually leave… and I hope to god that’s what I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 12/04/2024 22:30

ForsythiaPlease · 12/04/2024 22:04

Think of it as one day, a day that you decide will be for you, not him. Then go to sleep knowing that you are safe, and that when you wake up the next day, that day is your gift to yourself. You don't have to say where you are. You don't have to explain. You don't have to make decisions and sort everything out all at once. You take this day, and all the other days that come after it, as your own. You will know what to do, be gentle with yourself. Your life is precious, and you matter. Stay safe.

This in particular hit home, so many times I’ve hidden misery behind a smile, not taken photos of my DC at awards etc. because I knew I’d just remember the whispered hostility because I’d shushed him if I looked back at the photos. Why oh why do we second guess ourselves and feel so guilty when we put up with so much for so long?

OP posts:
coronafiona · 12/04/2024 22:30

I can't I wish ypu good luck but those are the wrong words- I hope it goes like clockwork and the drawers all empty into the bags, is what I mean. You're doing the right thing, please
Would you come back tomorrow to let us know you did it.

RobbieisWright · 12/04/2024 22:31

Please take your window of opportunity, you won't regret it. What you are feeling now is normal but please just keep thinking of the life you will have back from tomorrow

765g · 12/04/2024 22:31

Stay as strong as you can , concentrate on each task to get you to your goal, and look no further than that.
baby steps - if you can go no contact change your number - only give it to trusted friends make sure he can't see your location on find my friends or he hasnt loaded any tracking apps on your phone - and start finding you again - one task one day at a time.

bossybloss · 12/04/2024 22:33

Thinking of you and I hope all goes well. X

Pashazade · 12/04/2024 22:35

You can do this. Everyone who reads this thread even if they don't comment will hope and pray that you make it out, that you take the leap and we will be waiting to breathe that sigh of relief with you when you've done it. You can do it.

ConfusedNoMore · 12/04/2024 22:36

You second guess yourself because that's what emotional abuse does. They twist and blame and head fuck you until you don't know if white is black or up is down.

When you get yourself back again then you'll start to heal and understand.

I cried for my abusive ex when we split (and he ended it...and made me homeless and scared the crap out of me) and.still felt sorry for him and worried he'd be lonely.

You can do this. You really can and you matter.

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 12/04/2024 22:46

Thank you all, I obviously wouldn’t ever actually do it, but I did think how much easier it would feel to drive away in the morning if I had a large glass of wine at 10am tomorrow! 😂

Don’t think no contact is possible, DC love their dad and he’s never been anything but a loving father, but I will make sure location is off so he can’t bully DS into telling him where I am. Will also temporarily block his number on DD’s phone so he can’t phone her and ask where we are.

Is it silly that I’m feeling ridiculously guilty about leaving the dog? I can’t take her and will come back for her if allowed but her not knowing where I’ve gone and possibly not being fed regularly (he doesn’t bloody remember now) is killing me.

OP posts:
EmotionalSupportAutie · 12/04/2024 22:47

I don't know you but without being weird, I'm proud of you. You can do this and it's the first step on your new journey.

CrunchyCarrot · 12/04/2024 22:48

Honestly OP it's such a huge relief to get away. Been there, done that. I can't tell you how happy I was on my first night in a new home. Even though the mattress was terrible, I didn't even notice. Was just so relieved to be free at last.

Make sure you have your important documents on you and that you can't be tracked. Make sure GPS location is off on your phone. Delete any search history on shared devices if you are leaving anything like that behind.

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 12/04/2024 22:51

ConfusedNoMore · 12/04/2024 22:36

You second guess yourself because that's what emotional abuse does. They twist and blame and head fuck you until you don't know if white is black or up is down.

When you get yourself back again then you'll start to heal and understand.

I cried for my abusive ex when we split (and he ended it...and made me homeless and scared the crap out of me) and.still felt sorry for him and worried he'd be lonely.

You can do this. You really can and you matter.

I am so sorry you went through this, emotional abuse is so disarming.

I know I am in such a privileged position, I have a decent job, can drive and a supportive family so I have somewhere to stay long term. When we sell the house I should get about £100k in equity, and I am so thankful for that, I really feel at this point like it’s purely guilt and emotion keeping me there.

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 12/04/2024 22:51

Why can't you take the dog?

Sybila · 12/04/2024 22:53

Pashazade · 12/04/2024 22:35

You can do this. Everyone who reads this thread even if they don't comment will hope and pray that you make it out, that you take the leap and we will be waiting to breathe that sigh of relief with you when you've done it. You can do it.

This

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 12/04/2024 22:54

Bbq1 · 12/04/2024 22:51

Why can't you take the dog?

Going to a hotel for a couple of nights, and then to DS’s. They already have a dog and don’t have a lot of space. My logic is the microchip is registered to me so technically (although I don’t like saying it) she is my property so I can claim her when I need to

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 12/04/2024 22:57

@CandyColouredEggshells

Dogs 🐕 trust freedom charity fosters pet dogs of women fleeing in domestic abuse situations ,

It's on the Internet

Domestic charities know and approve this charity

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/04/2024 22:58

Travelodges etc. accept dogs, or she could be booked into kennels / dog boarders for a couple of days.

If you are in South Devon I will look after her for you for a while, but I do not want another dog permanently.

Mumofoneandone · 12/04/2024 22:59

I had to do a flit from abusive partner - no DC or shared house but kitten! Parents helped me move and tough but best decision ever. Felt like a zombie for a few weeks but life totally different some 10,+ years later.
You will get through it....

Cookie77777 · 12/04/2024 23:01

Whereabouts are you OP? Maybe someone here could help with the dog. If you're near me I would. Please don't leave her.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/04/2024 23:03

The services listed below ensure that pets are cared for in a volunteer foster carer’s home until their owner is able to be reunited with them.
All placements are strictly confidential.

Dogs Trust Freedom Project
already mentioned by a poster

Endeavour

PO Box 329, Bolton BL6 5FT

Tel/Fax: 01204 698 999

Email [email protected]

www.pawsforkids.org.uk

Registered Charity No. 1084861

Areas covered: Cheshire, Greater Manchester, Lancashire and Merseyside.

How to access scheme: Referrals can be taken directly from women fleeing domestic violence or from refuges, helplines, police domestic violence units, Social Services, Victim Support, housing advice centres, hospitals and clinics etc.

and

Pet Fostering Service Scotland
Tel: 0844 811 9909

www.pfss.org.uk
Registered Charity No. SCO15672
Areas covered: Scotland

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 12/04/2024 23:04

Thank you, I’ll bear the dogs trust thing in mind, however I also have several cats (didn’t want to put too much personal stuff on here in case I gave myself away, but I need to clarify) I’m not going to be able to take pets with me, it’s just not feasible. I’ve stayed because I couldn’t take them with me for too long, and so I have to just hope they’ll be ok, and on my calm days I’m positive they will be. I’ve already thought about asking rescues to temporarily foster them if the house sells and I don’t have anywhere to live yet but I’m trying not to think about that for now.

OP posts:
Mammma91 · 12/04/2024 23:06

I haven’t seen your last post but I wish you all the very best for the future. It’s hard now but you’re doing the right thing, escaping abuse is huge and takes a lot of bravery to leave behind life as you know it. I hope your new beginnings bring you calm and happiness.