Think tomorrow is the day - leaving emotional abuse

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Not sure if anyone has seen my other post, I’ve been speaking to a DA charity and planning on doing a “moonlit flit” and I have a window of opportunity tomorrow which I don’t know when I’ll get again.

I’m feeling so, so guilty right now, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. Practically I’m 100% there but so scared! Keep on replaying all the times I’ve tried to leave before and the heartbreaking things he’s said to me in the past eg “don’t you want to grow old with me?” between sobs. Honestly don’t know how anyone ever has the strength to go through with this 😩😩

Well done OP, take everyday as it comes but you've done the best thing for your future, you might not see it now but you will get there x

Be careful. Please ring women's aid. There is a place on Mumsnet where it is safe from internet searches but you must delete your history if it is being checked.

Hello, all. Here's a link to our Here is a link to our Domestic violence webguide, which contains lots of places you can turn and helplines to use if you are in this situation: https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

The Women's Aid website has some useful info here for covering your tracks online: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/

End of day 2 nearly !! You are a warrior!! Well done - your reasons are valid stay strong.

Hmmm, you're not the OP's OH are you?

Proud of you. Go girl, your new life has begun. Enjoy your freedom and love yourself 😘

Well done OP, I bet you're relieved. Just take each day as it comes. Small steps will get you the life you want and deserve x

How are you OP? Hope it's going Ok x

Thinking of you OP

Nothing much to report, he came to DS’s yesterday to discuss things and it was all fairly amiable, when DD has had time to calm down/process/get used to things we’ll discuss her staying with him here and there.

He thinks we should continue financially as we are (which I was surprised at) and apart from him calling me a little too often (considering that other phone rn!) I’m not too bothered because he’s not been badgering me or angry, he has been upset but only a normal level of upset, my family and our mutual friends were surprised by how reasonable he’s been, which makes me think I didn’t overreact and other people too were surprised by how he’s reacted.

I'm still a little unsure because I’m stunned by how well he’s taken it, and I’m waiting for him to change. This morning I honestly felt like did I have it wrong? Was he actually abusive? But I’ve had a word with myself and read through some of my old journal entries and I didn’t imagine or make up any of it.

We shall see.

This morning I honestly felt like did I have it wrong? Was he actually abusive?

Be careful OP. I suspect this is what's happened:

He's come home, and realised you've gone. But rather than jump to calling you, he's sat and he's thought about what to do next. He's realised that exploding at you is just going to reinforce in your own mind that you've made the right decision. So now he's playing Mr Nice Guy and it's already working as you're questioning yourself ^

This level of cunning is actually quite scary when you think about it. It's like he's playing chess, planning his moves. He's not being reactionary, he's being calculating.

@CandyColouredEggshells

Please, please don't take him at appearances. The phrase 'wolf in sheep's clothing' comes to mind.

Remember that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Doubt him, don't doubt yourself.

And what @Sparklfairy said, too

i would strongly advise you to contact 101 and ask the police to note you have left an abusive man and he has referred to a husband killing his wife although hasnt threatened you directly. ask your DV worker /IDVA to support you with it if that helps.
his calm response is reason to up your security and not take your eye off the ball.
professor jane monckton-smith describes brilliantly the abusers time line and referring to death or murder especially at the time of leaving even if it's not a direct threat, is a huge red flag. in fact indirect threats have been shown to be as much of a worry than direct threats.
well done for getting this far, it's really not easy to do what you have done but please be very mindful that things could be very tricky right now and you need all the professional support and awareness of the situation to safeguard you and your daughter.

Please to hear you are OK OP! I'm with @Sparklfairy 💯

Don't doubt yourself, I'll bet my house within a week or two you're going to see a different version of him altogether. Mr Nice Guy won't stick around for long.

Keep focused on you and your daughter, think about the long term aims and what a different life you'll have this time next year.

@CandyColouredEggshells I’m a teacher. As soon as you leave, before he’s aware you’ve gone, please contact the school and speak to the Safeguarding Officer or Headteacher and make them fully aware of the situation. They can offer you and the children support in dealing with this.

I've read your thread op, the strength you have for leaving him is astounding.

I'm telling you now his reaction is scary, any normal person would get angry etc but the fact he had purposely kept himself calm is very manipulative and calculating. The anger from him will come you will see it soon.

You have done the right thing.

Another day op! Well done!

whenever you feel you should go back to him remember why you left.
you are your daughters example of what is acceptable in their future partner ... if you accept it she will, so you are doing this for both of you .
you got that

You got this ( not you got that ) x

Just a little update for anyone still invested (and I am so, so grateful for everyone’s comments), DD has spent a couple of nights with her dad, she’s adapting so well to co-parenting and I’m so impressed and proud. He’s quite obviously trying to use her and wanting to keep things normal for her as an excuse to engage with me and manipulate me into going back (I haven’t). He’s also been absolutely batsh*t over things… promising me another baby, we can move house and away from all these bad memories, I can give up work and he will support me to just do hobbies and be a lady of leisure!

He’s been quite strong at times but has also broken down in tears, he’s promised not to speak about “us” and our situation (when he’s come to tuck DD in) but also then asked “just one more thing”. He’s promised he wouldn’t talk about us anymore tonight, asked if I believed him (I said no) and then said ok, he’s sorry, and then opened his arms expecting a hug. I’ve asked him does he not realise how claustrophobic he makes me feel, when he’s trying to hold me or stroke my arm to reassure himself? He says he does and he’s sorry, no change in behaviour though. I’ve said to him that I’ve tried to be reasonable and he’s overstepped every boundary I’ve put in place, and he’s said that he’s there for me, I’ve got my own issues and I need to contact the gp, I can take as much space as I need and I don’t deal with things in a healthy manner and I just let things build up.

I'm still holding strong, I’m so thankful for my support network, but I already have lost friends. It’s so strange but I am genuinely happy

and then opened his arms expecting a hug. I’ve asked him does he not realise how claustrophobic he makes me feel, when he’s trying to hold me or stroke my arm to reassure himself? He says he does and he’s sorry, no change in behaviour though.

and he’s said that he’s there for me, I’ve got my own issues and I need to contact the gp, I can take as much space as I need and I don’t deal with things in a healthy manner and I just let things build up.

This is abusive and somewhat dangerous words and behaviour. He's badly disrespecting your boundaries, both in words and in deeds. His words are gaslighting and it's meant to undermine your confidence. And his belief that he should be able to touch you or expect a hug from you shows that he does not respect your body autonomy. Bottom line, he still thinks he 'owns' you and that you will come back 'when you see sense'.

I think it may be time that he no longer comes in the house unless a third party is present, not even to tuck DD in. If that's not possible he needs to pick her up and drop her off in a public place or at a third party's home.

This is a controlling and abusive man who is being thwarted. Don't underestimate him.

I agree.
No more coming in to your space to tuck DD in.
It muddies the waters. And can be confusing for DD. And even cause confusing feelings the adults in this situation.

Your new place is your space. You have left him. You are no longer together. That boundary needs to be clear.

Maybe he shouldn’t come over to tuck DD in. It’s confusing for her and not fair to you. I think you need to put in place a few boundaries. Hard as it is he can only see DD when she goes to him.

To echo others, you are doing so well but don't let him into your space, that lets him get too close. Keep going!

I think now that DD can be secure in the knowledge that she is seeing him regularly, the boundaries need to get laid out. No coming into YOUR space to do tuck ins. You tuck in on your time, he tucks in on his. It’s a bit like how they say you don’t do therapy with an abuser, you also don’t ‘co-parent’ in the way some people can. With a manipulator, you need to come to solid agreements (which he will always push to break) and then parent separately. Otherwise you are always communicating with and being around someone who is not safe for your mental well-being. Set boundaries now that your DD has got over the initial big shock. She’ll still of course have feelings of upset etc but leaving lines blurred now will make it worse in the long run.

Just to reiterate for anyway who didn’t read the whole thread, I’m currently staying with my DS and she’s said I can stay for as long as I need to, so him coming to tuck DD in isn’t him coming round my new place but rather him coming to his SIL’s as he’s done hundreds of times before. That being said I am aware he’s still trying to control and manipulate me and pushing every boundary I’m trying to put in place.

We've ageed to no contact now until next Sunday, but DD will stay with both of us so we’ll just drop her off, no staying to tuck her in etc, but I have told her she can call me whenever. We’ll see how that goes, I’ll be amazed if he goes that long without wanting to have a little chat with me.

It’s so weird, and so hard, because he keeps telling me I need to visit the GP and me leaving how I did wasn’t a normal thing to do and he feels like I have my own issues with not dealing with emotions and bottling things up. I’ve tried to mention “incidents” and he’s brushed them off as always, he was mentally ill, or it was years ago and he’s worked so hard on himself and I need to do the same, I need help. I get the impression he’s telling all his friends, and all our mutual friends, that I’m having some sort of midlife crisis and have done a runner and when I get some meds and/or therapy I’ll come back with my tail between my legs. I don’t mind really, I don’t think I ever expected any accountability from him, at the moment I feel like he can say what he likes as long as he keeps things amicable for DD and as long as he doesn’t cause too much obstruction when we put the house on the market.

It’s now been over a week and I am so proud of myself, I never thought I could do it. But I am tired, and really I know I’ve only just begun.