Think tomorrow is the day - leaving emotional abuse

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Not sure if anyone has seen my other post, I’ve been speaking to a DA charity and planning on doing a “moonlit flit” and I have a window of opportunity tomorrow which I don’t know when I’ll get again.

I’m feeling so, so guilty right now, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. Practically I’m 100% there but so scared! Keep on replaying all the times I’ve tried to leave before and the heartbreaking things he’s said to me in the past eg “don’t you want to grow old with me?” between sobs. Honestly don’t know how anyone ever has the strength to go through with this 😩😩

Well done, op. What you have done is not easy. You sound strong and determined.
It will get better eventually. It's now five and half years for me.

He also told people - family, mutual friebds, police, social services - that i needed therapy, that my calling the police for help was 'a cry for help', that he had tried his best to tolerate me over the years, that i was an attention seeker, that i was just having another tantrum like always etc. You would be surprised the number of people that believed him. But with time, police, social services, some family and friends got to see him for what he was..an abusive manipulating narcissistic insecure man.
Infact, hearing his narrative about me to people strengthened my resolve that the marriage was over. And i didn't go back to living that nightmare.
It still was difficult on different levels - financial, emotional, mental, practically and socially but it got better.
Things will get better. Each day you are away from him, is one more day towards getting stronger.

Keep going, well done and stay strong. I think you need to find a phrase to close down any comments he makes to you about GP/meds/MH etc, as this is additional abuse and none of his business. He has got to start realising that you are not going back to him and you have moved on. You can see him for what he is.....

Thank you both, I think one of the hardest things is he isn’t just threatening that he’s going to tell people I need help and I’m having some sort of breakdown because he’s mad at me or wants me back or whatever, he’s actually saying it either because he believes that or he is just so self assured he thinks this will be plausible and people will be on his side (and by the lack of contact from some of my friends they believe him).

I know I’m being sensitive tonight because in pre-menstrual, but I am really fed up tonight.

You are doing well.

Isn't he just the master manipulator!!!

One day at a time

Does he say these things in front of your sister or does he finagle getting you alone to gaslight you like that? You need to avoid being alone with him. DSis needs to stick to you like glue. And if he says "I need to speak to you alone" you say "Nothing you have to say that DSis can't hear. Besides, I'd tell her anyway". That usually blunts their sword. And frankly, the minute he says one single word, if it's at DSis' he needs to be told "It's time for you to leave, right now" if it's at his you need to say "I'm not listening to this" and leave.

Remember, you do not need to do anything you don't want to do, he no longer has any power to make you stay put nor to invade your space (DSis',) to make you hear his words. We are so conditioned to sit still and let them verbally/emotionally manipulate us that it's hard sometimes to realize that's what's happening until we're in the middle of it. And remember "Them than mind don't matter and them that matter don't mind". The people who know and love you will know he's talking bollocks. And if they believe him, then they were never true friends to begin with. And that's knowledge worth having!

And when you say he isn't 'just' threatening, do you mean he IS threatening to tell others? Because that's emotional blackmail and nothing 'just' about it. And the best way to deal with it is to either get up and leave or look him squarely in the eye and say "Do your worst, Buster. I'm not afraid of you or your threats".

And you aren't 'sensitive' because you're premenstrual, you are rightfully angry because he's a manipulative prick. Remember that!

Please listen to @TenQLord , she has the measure of your husband. You need to act quickly now, because as soon as he realises you are not coming home he will go into full attack mode.

see a solicitor THIS WEEK who knows about abuse - women’s aid should be able to recommend .

Let your child’s school know you are separated and not to let her father collect her.

see your GP and tel her that your ex is alleging that you are mentally ill/ unstable and that he’s Abusive

tell your work that you are separated and that he's abusive

stop letting him into your sisters house

stop talking to him about anything except your DD .

Stop trying to get him to agree with you that you were right to leave, “taking accountability “ and all that nonsense. You are wasting your breath.

change your passwords on everything, esp anything financial like bank and PayPal

Get several large male friends / relatives to accompany you to the house to get everything that is yours and half of what is joint. Otherwise you risk him destroying it.

take half the money out any joint accounts . If he has something like a pension or savings and you don't , take all the money from the joint account. Yes this is legal, you both own all of it.

Please PLEASE don't be lulled into a false sense of security by his Mr Nice Guy act. he is just buying time. Ask me how i know 😥

All of this op.

He’s going to turn nasty regardless.

Why are you letting a dangerous man who has abused you and made veiled threats to kill you (and that’s definitely what he was doing) into your safe space at your dsis’s house? He is using your dd as a manipulation tool under the guise of tucking her in to corner you and start dripping poison into your ear again.

It’s so obvious what he’s doing but you can’t fully see it yet as youre still vulnerable to accepting his behaviour.

Stop letting him enter your dsis’s house as of now.

Conversations by text only (that way you have proof of the things he’s saying - I bet he won’t put down in writing half the things he says to your face).

You don’t need to be physically in his presence any more - you are still letting him call the shots to an extent. Just stop.

You dont have to do what he says any more. You wont get accountability from him so don’t bother trying. And he WILL be slagging you off under the guise of being “concerned” for you to all and sundry. But you need to let that go as those who are true friends will know the measure of him and the rest dont matter.

OP, just popping on again to say well done!
You are right to be proud of yourself, and I love that you are analysing what he's doing, and also have let go of trying to convince him or control what he tells others or himself - that way he can't control you, anyone you lose, because they believe his rubbish/ and or don't want to support you through this probably isn't worth having.

I'm really glad you can feel some happiness of relief, even alongside all the frustrations. Well done you!

Why on earth is he coming round to your sister's house ' when he’s come to tuck DD in ' when she is old enough to have a mobile phone ?
That needs to stop.

DD has already stayed at his home since you left him, and it all went well apparently,

and that's the way it stays - she goes to his x times, and she lives with you, just you, so no tucking in.

you need to be setting more boundaries and rules, otherwise you will never be rid of him - emotionally and physically.

What I meant by threatening to tell people and actually telling them was he HASN’T said “if you don’t come back I’ll say you’re mentally unwell” but he has actually gone out and said that and I’m pretty stunned that he either believes it himself or is doing a pretty good job at being that convincing.

Think this may be the last time I post here, because some of the replies (not all) are starting to make this feel like hard work (and I mean that as nicely as possible because I’ve been so grateful for the support).

I know it’s possibly foolish to let him inside my DSIS’s but I’ve been in a relationship with him for 17 years, it’s extremely hard to just cut ties and have no contact, especially when I’m trying to keep things amicable and steady for DD. I am truly trying to keep him at arms length and shut him down/cut him off when he’s saying things about counselling or having a fresh start but I do still (as one PP has said) have some vulnerability to his behaviours and I’ve found it quite deflating that when you’re in a abusive relationship the question “why doesn’t she just leave?” is almost banned, now I’ve left “why does she still engage with him?” is something I’m seeing quite regularly.

I know people are right and trust me that is what my perfect ideal looks like but I’m trying to take one day at a time and get through each day without going back. Will also add that apart from DSIS none of my immediate family are being particularly helpful, they feel sorry for him and will always still be there for him as he’s DD’s dad.

Oh, OP. You've done so well to get this far. It's a marathon not a sprint so just keep on keeping on. Keep strengthening your boundaries bit by bit. It DOES get easier slowly, slowly.

It's so easier said than done but try not to worry about friends believing his stories or not contacting you. Often people don't know what to say or feel awkward about what he has said and, even though they don't believe it, don't know what to say to you so just do nothing.

OP it's all too easy to spout 'just cut contact/block him/why are you still engaging' from behind a keyboard. I understand you two have a long history and a child together and it's not always so simple. You also have to be very careful to tread that thin line between self-preservation and acting unreasonably. He could easily manipulate you shutting him out into 'she's stonewalling me = she's abusive and unstable'.

You're doing amazingly well, I can't believe it's only 11 days since your OP.

Hi, OP. Sorry that this thread is making it more difficult for you. It's hard to know what's what at such a heightened emotional time when you uave your own wobbles and lots of oponions coming at you.

So sorry that other than your DSis none of your immediate family are particularly supportive. Unfortunately, it is times like these that show what relationships are worth holding onto.
I got absolutely no support from expected places (immediate family and my two very close friends) but got massive support from very unexpected places. It was a valuable lesson to learn.

You will get through this and it is hard to cut off such a long-term relationship abruptly even harder when there is abuse because conciously or unconsciously one still seeks their approval (abuser's) and still conciously or unconsciously yearns for them to just like you and to be a decent human being. But that will fade to almost notjingness if it doesn't evaporate completely. But it takes time.

Ensure to think and write down your facts, your truths and your boundaries when you are having a strong moment. And when those wobbly moments come or threaten, run and grab what you have written and keep going over and over it.
Wish you all the best.

Firstly, if I've said anything that has come across as mean spirited or that has upset you, I do apologize. It was never my intent.

If you do choose to step away from this thread, please find other sources of support for your well-being. I know DSis has your back, but if there are others who will too, seek them out. It's hard to be strong and to make difficult and painful changes if there's a Greek chorus in the background spouting negative things.

Best wishes and best of luck. Stay strong and you'll get through this.

OP, you've made a huge difference to your life and your DC's in so little time. Incredible to read back your first post on this thread. I think the process you will go through now is one of learning to trust your instincts again. You may well have ignored feelings of unease and anxiety with him, but as you detach from him you will recognise which are your thoughts and which are his (strange how these root themselves in our brains!).

I think it's sensible to step away from the thread, because it's no use evicting him from your headspace if you're going to hear multiple new voices giving even well-meaning advice. Every situation is different, nobody knows your situation as well as you. It will take a while to find a new rhythm, but I hope it works out well for you DD and for you.

Sending hugs and kudos OP. You are doing great, and I believe in you. Wishing you all the best for you and your DD. Xxx

Thought I would just give an update as I’m feeling so much stronger now. Also, although some of your comments weren’t what I wanted to hear at the time, you’re probably completely right. It’s just definitely difficult to have no contact when you’ve got kids, just silly things like collecting karate/swimming/gymnastics clothes from the other one needs to be done.

He’s been on about couples counselling and fresh starts, moving house and I can give up work, we can have another baby and basically trying to coax me back with everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve not given in but it was getting so hard, and I’ve felt so guilty. I’ve answered every phonecall from him just incase, as previously stated he’s threatened suicide and I was so scared he’d hurt himself and I’d have just ignored his call. I’ve not badmouthed him to anyone and a lot of people don’t really know why I’ve left and have told me it’s a shame for him, my parents have said he’ll still always be their son in law and I was happy about that, I didn’t want him to be left with no one.

He’s also now being sent for a psychiatric assessment for bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I felt so churned up over this because although I suspect that might be what he has (and had tried multiple times to try and get him to press the gp further because I said his behaviour and reactions to things weren’t normal but he refused) it would excuse a lot of his behaviours in some people’s heads. He was still telling me that I was an amazing woman and he knew he’d put me through so much and he was so sorry and it wasn’t him, he was ill, he said he knew it was because of him but I bottled my feelings up and ran away from my problems and it wasn’t healthy and I needed help and he’d be there for me and we’d work through it together.

BUT. I’m still logged into the doorbell camera app, and the other day him and his best friend were basically talking about me on the doorstep. Saying he hated me and he’d wasted all this time on me and “don’t come here acting the victim” and I obviously didn’t care. His friend said something like “don’t ask her how she feels” and he replied “yeah, she just doesn’t care does she?”. Then they were talking about dating apps. I honestly watched it open mouthed!

Feel like this is the first time I’ve actually seen this other side to him and actually witnessed first hand how he can twist things to his own narrative and be so manipulative. I’m still shocked by the things he said about me when an hour earlier he was admitting blame and offering me the world to try and tempt me back.

So in a way the veil has been lifted and I feel a lot less guilty over, well everything really. Drop offs and hand overs have been civil but I’ve not engaged with him at all, and I feel so much better.

Wow, I can't imagine how hard it was to hear him speak about you with such contempt but I'm glad you did because now you know the real him. What a scumbag. Poor you, onwards and upwards. If you find yourself considering a reconciliation, remember how you felt when you heard him speak about you like that. That's the real him.

So sorry you had to hear and experience that @CandyColouredEggshells . I can only imagine the hurt. You were still caring about him and wanting him to be okay. But it is a good thing, you had that experience. It will help with you drawing firm boundaries and also reaffirms you are doing the right thing by leaving that situation. So sorry you had to hear that but well done for holding firm even before that.

One day you will be so grateful for that little 'eavesdrop' into their conversation. I know it hurts now, but it's also shown you that how he is with you is an act. He can switch his personality and lie on the spot, purely to get what he wants, which is control over you. Promising you 'everything you ever wanted' also benefits him. If he got you pregnant and you gave up work, can you imagine how much harder it would be to leave again? He'd have full control over you and he knows it too, and you can bet his treatment of you would be even worse, to punish you for leaving him in the first place.

Don't ever let him know you heard what he said about you. He would of course twist it to say he was just saying what the friend wanted to hear/didn't want to appear weak or whatever - but if he did say that it would reinforce my point. He's a chameleon who manipulates his words to suit his audience, whoever they are and whatever he wants from them.

Well done for staying strong OP.

The thing that stuck out for me from your post was you suggesting he may threaten to commit suicide.

If he does this, this is not your problem. You end the call, you call the police on the non urgent line and explain what he said.

You call his doctors and leave a message with them explaining he's threatened suicide.

You call your child's school and explain the situation. You remove your DD from his care entirely and explain to them that Daddy is too sick to see her at the moment (many men take their DC with them when they decide to take their own lives, or kill themselves somewhere that their child will find them) and you also speak to social services and explain the situation.

You then block him from speaking to you, seeing you or seeing his daughter (apart from in a contact centre or similar) but essentially, once you've informed the authorities of his potential intentions, it is no longer your problem to deal with.

It's most likely an empty threat to get you to go back to him, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

However, it is for the authorities to take care of, not you and if he does take his own life, that was his decision, not yours.

I'm glad you witnessed that, that is the real him.

I would actually show it to your parents so they 100% have your back and distance themselves from him.

Well done OP! You're doing amazing!!

My abusive ex did the exact same thing. Was begging me back, fake suicide attempts, telling me it's all his fault and how much he loves me but then was dragging my name through the mud to anyone that would listen.
His version of the breakup is extremely different to what actually happened.

It's now been 12 years since I left him and I've never been happier. There were time with him where I genuinely feared for my life and I'm so thankful to past me that I walked away.

Stay strong and don't get sucked in by his lies and manipulations! You can do this xxx

That must have been hard to watch @CandyColouredEggshells . But it’s good that you did and also that you have written this all out on MN.

My ex husband was abusive and the worlds most plausible liar. Sometimes things would happen and I’d post about them on MN, then he’d have me convinced that I imagined it all. By the end I was actually recording conversations with him to make sure I wasn't losing my mind 😥

I can still go back and read all these posts - I’ve only done it once as it was so painful but I needed some dates of incidents for the divorce. I feel so sad it took me so long to get away, I’ve wasted too much of my precious life on him.

You have been much braver and acted more decisively that I ever did. And well done your sister for being there for you , what a ⭐️ .

"He’s been on about couples counselling and fresh starts, moving house and I can give up work, we can have another baby and basically trying to coax me back..."

Jesus, this gave me the chills. He's openly describing methods for getting you back under his control and shackled to him more tightly than ever <shudder>.