Think tomorrow is the day - leaving emotional abuse

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Not sure if anyone has seen my other post, I’ve been speaking to a DA charity and planning on doing a “moonlit flit” and I have a window of opportunity tomorrow which I don’t know when I’ll get again.

I’m feeling so, so guilty right now, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. Practically I’m 100% there but so scared! Keep on replaying all the times I’ve tried to leave before and the heartbreaking things he’s said to me in the past eg “don’t you want to grow old with me?” between sobs. Honestly don’t know how anyone ever has the strength to go through with this 😩😩

I dont have a ringcam but was just wondering if it is possible to save what you saw him and his friend talk about outside the door, especially if family or friends try to doubt what you heard or stick up for him because he certainly knows how to play the game.

Just a little update for anyone still invested (and yes dw I saved the doorbell camera footage to my phone😁).

I know what some of you are going to say, but hear me out; I agreed to go to a session of couples counselling. I knew what I was doing, I knew it was risky, but I wanted a safe, neutral space to say my truth. To start with the counsellor was being very animated with stbxh, leaning forward and really engaging with him, and I’ll admit I had to have a little word with myself because I thought if I’m not careful I’m going to end up looking like a fool here. So when he was saying he could get angry and he was being investigated for bipolar disorder and he had some childhood issues that he thought contributed to it, I said I felt I should point out that this has been going on throughout our entire relationship, in cycles, over different and sometimes the same topics we’ve already argued about before. And him getting angry was him shouting at me so loud I could feel it in my chest, swearing at me, calling me names, not letting me leave the room or go to sleep, impersonating me and mocking me when I was upset, saying truly spiteful things, hitting things, throwing things. She spoke to me a little more and then asked both of us if we would agree with her if she described this relationship as abusive? I didn’t look at him, so I don’t know what he did or how he looked, but I just nodded. She spoke about the cycle of abuse and said that when too much has happened the most sensible thing to do is work out how to separate in the most amicable and sensible way.

Stbxh then got a bit defensive, and started saying “well she bottles things up and doesn’t talk about her feelings. She doesn’t deal with confrontation” and I just turned to him and calmly said (shining moment in my life btw this 😝) “is it any wonder I don’t like confrontation?”

So yeah, not something I’d recommend because I know how badly it could have gone, but I’m taking back my power. Handovers for dd have been minimal contact, literally a bag with her special overnight bits left in the hallway or dropped off on the doorstep. I have been round when he’s out and fed the pets, and although he’s dragging his feet to get the house on the market I’m picking my battles atm, and dd has a proper bed at dsis’s so it is what it is really for now.

Guys if I compare myself to what I was like six weeks ago, I mean it’s been emotional and I’m not naive enough to think I’m 100% ok with everything now, but the difference is staggering. If I can do it anyone can.

Forgot to add, that when I was talking about “what we wanted for the future” with the counsellor I said to start with I wanted him to stop telling people I’d left because I was mentally unwell or unstable. That I’d made difficult but rational decisions and I wasn’t ill. He said he’d never said that, I’ve had multiple people, including him actually, say that to me, but he completely denied it.

I also had a family member come to speak to me recently, she was shocked but apologetic about not realising anything was wrong (I can’t quite figure out if I was an amazing liar or people see what they want to see) and she spoke about him being suicidal. Stbxh had told my relative that he’d attempted suicide twice, which although he threatened it and may have seriously contemplated it (I don’t know) he never attempted it.

I feel like before I left I knew he would lie and gaslight and manipulate, but after stepping away from the situation just how unhinged he can be is blatantly obvious. I’ve spoken to his best friend (I contacted him, he’d ghosted me right from the start but I figured I was a big girl and if he wanted to be mad at me so be it, but he seemed… aware without being accountable of how stbxh can be) and I’ve told him that it’s not a threat but if I ever get any hint of my dd not being happy or made to feel like some sort of comfort blanket for stbxh she won’t be spending any more time with him unless supervised.

I'm so so proud of you! One day your dd will thank you for leaving him.
You are incredible!

You should start telling people your truth... THE truth.. because you are protecting him, disguising his appalling behaviour. Don't let him set the scene and undermine you.
He is a horrible person, don't defend him with your silence...

I thought you have a ds as well ? but you haven't mentioned him in your last couple of updates - does this mean he stayed at home with dad ?

@CandyColouredEggshells

Girl, you must be wearing seven league boots! You've made great leaps and bounds.

IMHO, the counselor session was worth the trepidation you may have felt going in. if the counselor was 'on his side' to begin with, she certainly switched sides after you said your piece. Or it's quite possible that she saw him for what he was at the start and just wanted him to hear you out so she could suggest using sessions to separate 'amicably'.

For what you heard on the doorbell, it's just confirmation of what you knew all along, wasn't it? That he's duplicitous, selfish, and mentally unbalanced. And so now you know deep down that you are completely justified in every step you've taken, and every step you'll take in the future.

Will you be able to stop him 'telling tales' about you? Probably not. He simply has to frame this as him being the victim. His mind won't allow him to admit his own faults. But remember that the people who know and truly love you will see him for what he is and know the real truth. And the people who believe his 'tales' were never your friends to begin with. And yes, sing your truth to the rooftops if you want to. There's no need to cover for him or hide what has happened in the past. All that matters is what will happen in the future.

No, only the one dd, tbh when I first started this thread I said dc to try and remain as anonymous as possible, so that’s probably the confusion 😊

I think that referred to her sister.

DS in the context of the thread is Dear Sister, I think?

Well done @CandyColouredEggshells. How much different your life will be ❤️

Cross post @VJBR 🫢

You've done really well @CandyColouredEggshells to leave this man.He may well have childhood trauma and mental health problems but that doesn't mean you have to stay and tolerate his behaviour. You know that all the offers from him to change are empty promises, if he was capable of being reasonable he'd have changed much sooner.
I'd now work on seperating properly from him, yes, he wants to see his DD but you don't need to engage with him apart from that. Until you make it clear your marriage is finished he'll always be looking to change your mind

And also this, yes 😊

Does he know you heard his remarks? Please take care, he sounds actually dangerous

Thank you all for your comments and continued support 🥰 don’t think I realised before how much support you could gain from strangers on the internet!

Just in response to a couple of people’s comments;

He doesn’t know I heard him on the doorbell, I’m not sure I’ll ever tell him tbh, but it is in my arsenal. I have been telling my truth 😊 my DSIS, who has been amazing and my rock, has started telling people when they’ve been being nosy or trying to dig for information to ask me, that I’m ok, and I’ll tell them if they ask and when they have and I’ve told them, and they’ve largely been supportive (DP’s have not and are still insisting they aren’t talking sides but whatever!).

I feel like the best way to describe things is I’m ok, but not “good”. I’m trying to work through things and am on a waiting list for talking therapies and have started practicing yin yoga, as well as journaling as I’ve always done. I’m not a very emotional person, and I did have a bottle of wine the other night and then spent an hour sobbing down the phone to a friend, was absolutely mortified the next day but they were very understanding and said I was obviously overcoming trauma and I’d been through a hell of a lot. It feels weird to be validated like that, and accept that for the last 17 years I’ve been in an abusive relationship, I didn’t like saying that out loud because it made me feel like a victim. On more than one occasion I contemplated suicide, and didn’t tell anyone, not because I wanted to die but because I couldn’t live like that and didn’t see a way out of it. But there was and I did it. So I’ll get there, I will.

Sounds like you're doing well OP. It's hard to accept when you're in an abusive relationship, even harder to actually say it to someone else! I also thing the counselling session might have done you some good, just being on neutral ground and getting your point across a little will be immensely beneficial to your own mental state. As for him telling others his warped version - ignore. Those who know you know the truth, anyone caring enough to check in on you can hear the real truth from you. It's a slow process, one I've been through myself. Nearly two years on I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago.. you'll be surprised how much can change, how resilient you are and what matters most. Remind yourself often how far you've come already, the future is yours to look forward to. Sending love and strength your way x

Re sobbing on the phone: I found emotions were very strong for a while after leaving an abusive relationship. I had been burying emotions for a while and had got quite numb so once I started feeling things again it was all a bit overwhelming.

Hang on in there. It's all part of recovery and it's not a short process but the important thing is to keep moving forward.

He has a date!!!

I thought I’d feel relieved, and when we were together I hoped he’d fall for someone else so I could find a way out without having to sort it myself and leave.

But to be honest I feel like a bit of a fool. For so long I stayed and tolerated being unhappy because I genuinely believed if I left he’d hurt me or hurt himself. It just goes to show it was all about control and possession and he didn’t mean any of it when he said he couldn’t live without me or he didn’t want to wake up anymore if he was waking up without me. I truly feel like before I left I didn’t believe some things people said, like when people said the threat to commit suicide was likely just a threat and all an act I thought “you didn’t see him, you don’t appreciate how harrowing he was” and when I was told in this thread to not be surprised if he didn’t acknowledge the fact that I’d left, I thought “no, you don’t know what he’s like” but they were right. And now this. I mean it is what it is and I don’t want him back, but wow what a ride 😂.

He’s also been spoiling DD rotten which I was expecting but it’s frustrating and irritating that he earns £90k a year and is chucking money at her and constantly treating her to the cinema, new clothes, swimming, McDonald’s, even jewellery, while I’m here just desperately trying to reduce my (shared with him but in my name) credit card debt before the house gets sold so I can get a decent mortgage.

how do you know he has a date

do you believe it

is he paying CMS

He’s been going out with work friends a lot lately and it’s a friend of someone he works with. He told me because he “wants things to be amicable between us and felt I should know”.

I do believe him because my trusty doorbell camera caught a friend from work dropping his bag off the other morning and the conversation in a nutshell was;

He told them name was upstairs and then said he was joking and asked if they’d really believed him? They said yes but they were gullible, he asked if they really thought he was that type of person, and they replied no, they weren’t trying to say anything bad, but if he really liked her then why not?

So I should say it’s true, and he’s been publicly getting cosy with someone on work nights out.

well in that case I am delighted for you !

as you have now realised that all / any suicide talk was bluff / bullshit.

I am sorry for the next female he gets involved with.

These Ring cameras are worth their weight in gold !

@CandyColouredEggshells

I'm not one bit surprised he has a date. Like all abusers/controllers he simply must have a victim at all times. Since you slipped the noose I'm sure he has been very busy (probably on dating sites) casting his net far and wide for a new one. And he's probably wining and dining grooming her and plying her with horror stories about how terrible you are. The showering of DD with gifts/attention could also be to show Ms New Victim what a wonderful Daddy he is. Once he has her secure, that will probably disappear. Same once he sees it isn't getting a rise out of you, so just say "That's nice, dear" to DD when she brings home new things/new experiences.

I know it's hard to see him throwing cash around when you're budgeting and doing without, but since there's nothing you can do about it remember that resentment uses up valuable emotional energy that you could be devoting to better and more practical things. And that if he's buying DD clothes & activities that means that money of your own that you don't have to spend on those things can put to better use, paying down that debt or building a little savings for a rainy day.

Has the solicitor said that there's no way to apportion some of that debt to him?

Yes OP good point, him moving on as fast as he has proves that we all just need to live our own lives. Women especially tend to put the needs of others before our own. There is no thanks for sacrificing what we want from life.

Let him move onto his next victim. Don't let him make you feel that you're missing out on his new found character. Let him find someone, have the honeymoon period and in time like you, they will see him for who he really is.

He told you about his date not for transparency but as a way to have another dig at you. It's the only thing he has left.

Go and live your best life. Keep us posted x

and as for the ' treating her to the cinema, new clothes, swimming, McDonald’s, even jewellery,'

make the most of it ! esp the clothes - saves you money

but the cinema / McDonalds and swimming are popular activities for / with divorced fathers so that's normal

for now

one day if / when he moves on, she may get less attention from him...

No solicitor atm, although I did have a legal clinic through my DA support worker, I don’t get legal aid and you can apply for divorce online by yourself now. In the legal clinic they were talking about I could request more of the proceeds of sale of the house because I need it more to put down a bigger deposit to be able to get a secure home for DD. But tbh I don’t need it, it’d help but I don’t need to rely on it. And although I hate feeling like he still has this hold over me whilst things are on paper amicable I don’t want to stir things up. Suspect people are right and it’s to project what a good guy he is, and he’s said out of the house sale we’ll split the debt but things stay on your credit record for around three months I think, and from quick googles the £8k (interest free) credit card will reduce the amount I can borrow on a mortgage by £40k. And as I say, I have just accepted that I may have to just pay it myself, I will not go cap in hand to him.

Also agree with pp’s, and I know telling me about the date is to try and get a rise, as well as spoiling DD is trying to look like a doting dad and irritate me. I haven’t rose to it, I’m just ranting on here at you guys 😂