Partner wearing my fishnets

[Needsupportad]

Me and my boyfriend have had lots of trust issues over the past four months. Out baby is five months old and in that time lots of lies about his past has come out. Silly things, but it’s broken the trust none the less. He’s gone back to his mums four times and the last time he went he seemed different. Much more angry, much more sure he wanted to leave us.

We spoke, he came back and things seemed to be better. My trust issues were still there but I was trying to keep them under wraps for everyone’s sake and so we could move on.

Last night I found photos of him in his deleted folder, wearing my fishnets, he was bent over, grabbing his private parts and one full frontal of his penis. It was while he was at his mums.

I confronted him and he’s told me he likes the feel of them. It turns him on. He’s not gay and he loves me. He said the photos were to get him off. He said he’s done it for years but not since we’ve been together. He said it’s only started up over the last two months.

I am in shock, I feel sick and in so upset. I do think he loves me. I really do. What is this? Is it my fault because I’ve not been trusting him lately and questioning him daily. Is he Gay? Please help me. I’m not being a good mum to my baby girl, because I’m so heartbroken.

You might find searching for the 'Trans widows' thread on here a potential source of useful information. It might also inform what you do next.

My trust issues were still there but I was trying to keep them under wraps for everyone’s sake and so we could move on.

Maybe stop burying your feelings for everyone’s sake and listen to your gut.

I can’t do this on my own and I love him so much. Why is this happening

This sounds like autogynephilia, a form of paraphilia in which a man is aroused by the sight of himself dressed as a woman. It has nothing to do with whether he's gay, bi or heterosexual.

I agree the trans widows thread might be a good source of support for you here, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this when you have such a young baby; a time in which your energies should be happily engaged elsewhere.

Your 'trust issues' are your gut telling you something isn't right. Don't internalize these as being a 'you' problem. They are not; this isn't about you but very much about him.

In my experience if the relationship isn’t working it will be harmful for your child. It’s way too destabilising for your partner to be moving in and out. You will actually be in a better place too.
How do you feel about all this. You can’t continue to bury your own feelings forever.

I just want to enjoy my baby girl and be happy with him. He is telling me it doesn’t change how he feels about me but I’m so scared of him

Get out and get out now. Whatever people say, you do not have to indulge anyone in their weird fetishes.

You do not need this man in your life.

1). You can do this on your own.

2). You do not have to like what he has done. You do not have to go along with what he has done no matter what he says.

3). It is a fetish.

4). You may like to read here and you can post. Lots of women have lived your bewilderment. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation

5). IT IS NOTHING TO. DO WITH YOU. It’s all him. All him.

I don’t think you’ll ever be able to fully trust him now you’ve found these. I’d also say your trust issues are your gut telling you something isn’t right.
either way, (personally) those weird fetishes would be a complete turn off for me.

This is the only answer you need.

You are scared of him. Paraphilias aside, answers to the dilemma you noted in your OP, are smaller issues by comparison. That you fear him is the dealbreaker here. You cannot live with someone you're afraid of. It will not end well.

You have a lot to process here, OP, and I hope you have some offline support. You could also try 'Women's Aid'.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand why this is so terrible?

It doesn't mean he's a transsexual or a transvestite either.

I’m afraid of what I’ll find out next. I’m afraid he’s gay. I’m afraid his fetish will get weirder. The photos were so ugly and honestly, I couldn’t believe it was him. He’s not crude, or vulgar. He seems to enjoy sex with me and he doesn’t find it hard to ejaculate if anything the opposite.

He said why did I look because if I hadn’t found out it would have never hurt me. And part of me is wondering if it is his private business?

I just want him to stop hurting me. For the most part he looks after me so well. But what’s the point if he’s going to do something like this.

Honestly, it doesn't mean he's gay. I had a boyfriend many moons ago who loved wearing women's underwear, it turned him on, he definitelywasnt gay or trans in any shape or form. It is 'a thing' that I think lots of men like.

Having AGP or another fetish doesn’t make him gay but you’ve got every right to be grossed out by him if that’s how it makes you feel.

Personally I couldn’t get past it. Each to their own but it’s not something I’m onboard with. However it’s for you to work out if it’s something you can accept now it’s out in the open.

Tbh the language you use in your OP and updates is far more concerning than the photos

To be scared of him is a huge red flag and you both need to create a safe and stable environment for your DC. The constant in and out on and off isn’t doing any of you any good. Sit and talk like adults.

It doesn’t mean he’s gay or trans, i don’t understand why you say you are scared of him?

obviously it’s a bit of a shock but it sounds like it’s a kink and he doesn’t plan on going out in public dressed as a woman.

But if you don’t feel safe with him then end things, it sounds like there’s a lot more going on.

He Keeps telling mE to forgive him but how can I forget it

I swear I've read this thread before? Unless there's several MNetters with husbands who like to wear their fishnets.

I'm so scared of him

This isn't going to work. His fetish isn't your fault.

Back to his mum he goes.

Personally cross dressing wouldn't concern me. The hiding it and wearing my clothes absolutely would though. He can buy his own damn clothes if he wants to do that!

However, if you have an issue with it, don't trust him and don't feel safe then you should end it.

Ugh it would disgust me so much I’d drop him like a hot potato. He won’t change. If anything he’ll get bolder now that you know.

You can't stay in a relationship where you are "questioning him daily".

You either need to stop it or kick him out. You can't have a relationship without trust.

The fishnets wouldn't bother me. It doesn't mean anything, he just likes it and it's fine alone in private. Although I'd want him to buy his own and not risk a rip to mine by mistake or stretch the feet with his massive paws.

You said you were scared though. Nobody should live in fear. If you are in fear fur your safety, for the sake of your child I'd say dump him and send him back to his mum as it's not going to work. Sorry.

Run with your baby and change both your names . He's a liar and an AGP and no good comes out of that for you or for your baby. Check out Trans widows. Leave the country if you can - I'm serious!

PS it will escalate

What were the lies that caused the "trust issues" before you found out he's a cross-dresser?

Personally I wouldn't be too worried about him having a fetish/cross-dresssing, but I'd expect him to buy his own bloody fishnets! I would be concerned that he might be uploading such pictures to fetish websites with a view to meeting people and if that were the case it would be an issue to me.

But you get to draw your own line in the sand - you don't have to accept this about him.

I do not think trying to get a promise from him to stop would be a solution however, as it sounds like it is part of his sexuality and very unlikely he would stop - so if it is a deal-breaker for you, end it here rather than dragging it out with fighting and policing him and almost inevitably getting let down.