Partner wearing my fishnets

[Needsupportad]

Me and my boyfriend have had lots of trust issues over the past four months. Out baby is five months old and in that time lots of lies about his past has come out. Silly things, but it’s broken the trust none the less. He’s gone back to his mums four times and the last time he went he seemed different. Much more angry, much more sure he wanted to leave us.

We spoke, he came back and things seemed to be better. My trust issues were still there but I was trying to keep them under wraps for everyone’s sake and so we could move on.

Last night I found photos of him in his deleted folder, wearing my fishnets, he was bent over, grabbing his private parts and one full frontal of his penis. It was while he was at his mums.

I confronted him and he’s told me he likes the feel of them. It turns him on. He’s not gay and he loves me. He said the photos were to get him off. He said he’s done it for years but not since we’ve been together. He said it’s only started up over the last two months.

I am in shock, I feel sick and in so upset. I do think he loves me. I really do. What is this? Is it my fault because I’ve not been trusting him lately and questioning him daily. Is he Gay? Please help me. I’m not being a good mum to my baby girl, because I’m so heartbroken.

All the help that can be given is in the comments. The comments that are rooted in reality telling you to leave this man.

Please OP don't hurt yourself. There are people that love you and need you to stay around. You can and will get through this, you are stronger than you think you are.

@Needsupportad To be honest there’s nothing more we can do other than give you advice and our opinions. It’s down to you to decide if you can stay in a relationship with a man who likes to wear your undergarments.

I wish you the very best OP.

Hi OP, can you call your doctor and ask for an emergency appointment today? I really think you need to speak to someone. If you don't feel like you can give details you don't need to (you can just tell them it's relationship problems), but please do try and speak to someone ASAP.

That's because society has conditioned us to view men as rigidly conforming to specific clothing stereotypes

No, it’s because we all have our own sexualities, even women believe it or not, we’re not just a robot for men to project onto. And as for gender stereotypes, this fetish is often about men wearing sexualised womens clothing and then being dominated, because woman = submissive in their mind. There’s no trashing of gender roles here.

@Needsupportad I can see you are just totally bewildered.

Are you wanting to leave and trying to leave?

So, if you are in the house and he isn’t, go through your paperwork. You want all your own, all dc’s. Birth certs, passports, house documents, car documents, loans etc. Is there cash in the house? Take some of that unless it happens to be yours in which case take it all. PASSWORDS if you have them written down somewhere.

Do you have somewhere to go? You need to pack a good sized bag for you and for dc. I don’t know how big your car is or if you have a car. If not, can you ring a friend? You want the high chair, the pram, the play mat. Formula and bottles. Bibs. Don’t forget your toothbrush, any medications. DC needs her records book.

DC will need bedding and you need your pillow, dressing gown and slippers so be sure to remember that. Many people leaving the house in a hurry for bushfires recommend just putting the washing basket straight into the car.

Next, electronics stuff. Phone, chargers, ipad, laptop, extra battery if you have one.

Have you rung a friend or family? Can you ring someone and get them to stay on the phone as you pack so they can keep you on task? But it would be better if someone could be with you.

Once you have left the house, ring your health visitor and leave a message. Ring your gp and change your details.

Take a deep breath. You will be safe soon. And remember you are a grown woman. You can live your life in your own terms. You do not have to live by his agenda. Needing separate breathing space and thinking time is allowed. Have a little think now about what he might say to you and have an answer ready to go, like “I’m not talking right now but I will be in touch”. And stick to it.

@Needsupportad I can see you are just totally bewildered.

Are you wanting to leave and trying to leave?

So, if you are in the house and he isn’t, go through your paperwork. You want all your own, all dc’s. Birth certs, passports, house documents, car documents, loans etc. Is there cash in the house? Take some of that unless it happens to be yours in which case take it all. PASSWORDS if you have them written down somewhere.

Do you have somewhere to go? You need to pack a good sized bag for you and for dc. I don’t know how big your car is or if you have a car. If not, can you ring a friend? You want the high chair, the pram, the play mat. Formula and bottles. Bibs. Don’t forget your toothbrush, any medications. DC needs her records book.

DC will need bedding and you need your pillow, dressing gown and slippers so be sure to remember that. Many people leaving the house in a hurry for bushfires recommend just putting the washing basket straight into the car.

Next, electronics stuff. Phone, chargers, ipad, laptop, extra battery if you have one.

Have you rung a friend or family? Can you ring someone and get them to stay on the phone as you pack so they can keep you on task? But it would be better if someone could be with you.

Once you have left the house, ring your health visitor and leave a message. Ring your gp and change your details.

Take a deep breath. You will be safe soon. And remember you are a grown woman. You can live your life in your own terms. You do not have to live by his agenda. Needing separate breathing space and thinking time is allowed. Have a little think now about what he might say to you and have an answer ready to go, like “I’m not talking right now but I will be in touch”. And stick to it.

@Needsupportad I can see you are just totally bewildered.

Are you wanting to leave and trying to leave?

So, if you are in the house and he isn’t, go through your paperwork. You want all your own, all dc’s. Birth certs, passports, house documents, car documents, loans etc. Is there cash in the house? Take some of that unless it happens to be yours in which case take it all. PASSWORDS if you have them written down somewhere.

Do you have somewhere to go? You need to pack a good sized bag for you and for dc. I don’t know how big your car is or if you have a car. If not, can you ring a friend? You want the high chair, the pram, the play mat. Formula and bottles. Bibs. Don’t forget your toothbrush, any medications. DC needs her records book.

DC will need bedding and you need your pillow, dressing gown and slippers so be sure to remember that. Many people leaving the house in a hurry for bushfires recommend just putting the washing basket straight into the car.

Next, electronics stuff. Phone, chargers, ipad, laptop, extra battery if you have one.

Have you rung a friend or family? Can you ring someone and get them to stay on the phone as you pack so they can keep you on task? But it would be better if someone could be with you.

Once you have left the house, ring your health visitor and leave a message. Ring your gp and change your details.

Take a deep breath. You will be safe soon. And remember you are a grown woman. You can live your life in your own terms. You do not have to live by his agenda. Needing separate breathing space and thinking time is allowed. Have a little think now about what he might say to you and have an answer ready to go, like “I’m not talking right now but I will be in touch”. And stick to it.

Call these people, they will help you x

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

@Needsupportad I can see you are just totally bewildered.

Are you wanting to leave and trying to leave?

So, if you are in the house and he isn’t, go through your paperwork. You want all your own, all dc’s. Birth certs, passports, house documents, car documents, loans etc. Is there cash in the house? Take some of that unless it happens to be yours in which case take it all. PASSWORDS if you have them written down somewhere.

Do you have somewhere to go? You need to pack a good sized bag for you and for dc. I don’t know how big your car is or if you have a car. If not, can you ring a friend? You want the high chair, the pram, the play mat. Formula and bottles. Bibs. Don’t forget your toothbrush, any medications. DC needs her records book.

DC will need bedding and you need your pillow, dressing gown and slippers so be sure to remember that. Many people leaving the house in a hurry for bushfires recommend just putting the washing basket straight into the car.

Next, electronics stuff. Phone, chargers, ipad, laptop, extra battery if you have one.

Have you rung a friend or family? Can you ring someone and get them to stay on the phone as you pack so they can keep you on task? But it would be better if someone could be with you.

Once you have left the house, ring your health visitor and leave a message. Ring your gp and change your details.

Take a deep breath. You will be safe soon. And remember you are a grown woman. You can live your life in your own terms. You do not have to live by his agenda. Needing separate breathing space and thinking time is allowed. Have a little think now about what he might say to you and have an answer ready to go, like “I’m not talking right now but I will be in touch”. And stick to it.

@Needsupportad I can see you are just totally bewildered.

Are you wanting to leave and trying to leave?

So, if you are in the house and he isn’t, go through your paperwork. You want all your own, all dc’s. Birth certs, passports, house documents, car documents, loans etc. Is there cash in the house? Take some of that unless it happens to be yours in which case take it all. PASSWORDS if you have them written down somewhere.

Do you have somewhere to go? You need to pack a good sized bag for you and for dc. I don’t know how big your car is or if you have a car. If not, can you ring a friend? You want the high chair, the pram, the play mat. Formula and bottles. Bibs. Don’t forget your toothbrush, any medications. DC needs her records book.

DC will need bedding and you need your pillow, dressing gown and slippers so be sure to remember that. Many people leaving the house in a hurry for bushfires recommend just putting the washing basket straight into the car.

Next, electronics stuff. Phone, chargers, ipad, laptop, extra battery if you have one.

Have you rung a friend or family? Can you ring someone and get them to stay on the phone as you pack so they can keep you on task? But it would be better if someone could be with you.

Once you have left the house, ring your health visitor and leave a message. Ring your gp and change your details.

Take a deep breath. You will be safe soon. And remember you are a grown woman. You can live your life in your own terms. You do not have to live by his agenda. Needing separate breathing space and thinking time is allowed. Have a little think now about what he might say to you and have an answer ready to go, like “I’m not talking right now but I will be in touch”. And stick to it.

@Needsupportad I can see you are just totally bewildered.

Are you wanting to leave and trying to leave?

So, if you are in the house and he isn’t, go through your paperwork. You want all your own, all dc’s. Birth certs, passports, house documents, car documents, loans etc. Is there cash in the house? Take some of that unless it happens to be yours in which case take it all. PASSWORDS if you have them written down somewhere.

Do you have somewhere to go? You need to pack a good sized bag for you and for dc. I don’t know how big your car is or if you have a car. If not, can you ring a friend? You want the high chair, the pram, the play mat. Formula and bottles. Bibs. Don’t forget your toothbrush, any medications. DC needs her records book.

DC will need bedding and you need your pillow, dressing gown and slippers so be sure to remember that. Many people leaving the house in a hurry for bushfires recommend just putting the washing basket straight into the car.

Next, electronics stuff. Phone, chargers, ipad, laptop, extra battery if you have one.

Have you rung a friend or family? Can you ring someone and get them to stay on the phone as you pack so they can keep you on task? But it would be better if someone could be with you.

Once you have left the house, ring your health visitor and leave a message. Ring your gp and change your details.

Take a deep breath. You will be safe soon. And remember you are a grown woman. You can live your life in your own terms. You do not have to live by his agenda. Needing separate breathing space and thinking time is allowed. Have a little think now about what he might say to you and have an answer ready to go, like “I’m not talking right now but I will be in touch”. And stick to it.

It's a terrible shock for you OP.
I went through very similar.

Mine denied everything but I found out he'd been sleeping with men.

Get yourself an STI check pronto.

Op, you don't have to do anything about this now.

You're in shock, you're devastated, you're trying to look after a very young baby.

You don't have to act now.

Take your time making your decisions.

There is no "stay with him, now - have to stay with him forever" . .it doesn't work like that. You could leave him anytime you wanted for any reason you wanted.

Your only obligation is to try to coparent constructively, (but even then noone would blame you for having reservations about his possible lifestyle).

Take as much time to process and make decisions as you need.

Kinks and fetishes are a personal thing, but they also make up a person. And to be in a relationship with someone, you have to accept The Person - otherwise it will not last. You can't/won't accept this part of him, so for your own benefit it is better to end it.

What help are you looking for OP?

Only you can decide if you can cope with your partner having this fetish/being AGP. Only you can decide if you think the STD test texts were innocent.

I am still concerned by this sentence you wrote in your original post.
”I’m not being a good mum to my baby girl, because I’m so heartbroken.”

It’s been several days now since you found the photos, it does not sound like you are shifting your focus to your baby yet. Please make this your priority. Your baby has no choice. She needs you.

There has been good advice on this thread. For some, his fetish would be a massive turn off and the end of the relationship. For others, not so much. Only you know how you feel. Not all AGP men are attracted to men so it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay/bi. If he is AGP it will escalate. If it’s a tights fetish it might not.

Why not leave it a few weeks before making any big decisions. Ask him to stay with his mum for a while. Get life with your baby back on track. Why is there a lot of pressure on you today? Why the rush?

If you decide to stay with him, have some very frank open and honest conversations with him and set out your boundaries. For instance he never uses your clothing for this again. He never does this in your home when you and or baby are in the house. Etc.

Ring the Samaritans today to see if they can help you with this panic you seem to have about being alone.

Kindly, what do you want @Needsupportad . People have listed and given advice, but you don't seem to want it. So what is it you're asking for?

Your gut is telling you something isn't right... it's up to you if you accept it now or later. I don't believe its only cross dressing. and the STD kit - I would put money on it being his. Sorry you are going through this

Can you have an Sti without symptoms.

but I keep saying it. He couldn’t have slept with anyone else. I know it sounds like I wouldn’t know but I do.

if he had slept with someone else it would be easier to know what to do

Yes, you can have an STI without symptoms.

https://www.vybe.care/blog/can-you-have-an-std-without-having-symptoms/

Yes, you can have symptom-less infections. Depends what it is.

Totally agree with this. No one can tell you how you feel about this but for now you need space from him and to concentrate on your baby.

Tell him to stay at his mums while you get your head in a better place and are ready to talk to him.

And call Samaritans. They won’t judge and just having a calm person on the end of the phone listening to you will help get it out.

You don’t need to make any decisions now. Take time for you and your baby and try as much as you can to get this out of your mind.

Please don’t think I’m not looking after my baby. Today I took her to a baby class and she is fine. But I also had to cancel out family holiday because of him.

Thank you for the advice. Eapcislly for telling me I don’t have to make a decision now x

I agree with everybody else, who says you’re not gonna get support from anonymous strangers on the Internet.

There’s all sorts of reasons why he might’ve done this and you might never ever know what they are.

You need to decide if you’re happy with this behaviour or not,

if you’re not then reach out to some friends and family and get some help.