Partner wearing my fishnets

[Needsupportad]

Me and my boyfriend have had lots of trust issues over the past four months. Out baby is five months old and in that time lots of lies about his past has come out. Silly things, but it’s broken the trust none the less. He’s gone back to his mums four times and the last time he went he seemed different. Much more angry, much more sure he wanted to leave us.

We spoke, he came back and things seemed to be better. My trust issues were still there but I was trying to keep them under wraps for everyone’s sake and so we could move on.

Last night I found photos of him in his deleted folder, wearing my fishnets, he was bent over, grabbing his private parts and one full frontal of his penis. It was while he was at his mums.

I confronted him and he’s told me he likes the feel of them. It turns him on. He’s not gay and he loves me. He said the photos were to get him off. He said he’s done it for years but not since we’ve been together. He said it’s only started up over the last two months.

I am in shock, I feel sick and in so upset. I do think he loves me. I really do. What is this? Is it my fault because I’ve not been trusting him lately and questioning him daily. Is he Gay? Please help me. I’m not being a good mum to my baby girl, because I’m so heartbroken.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you 💐

I’m not surprised you’re horrified. I would be too and I’d be wondering who he really is and what really goes on in his brain.

Unfortunately you’ll never be able to erase the dark images from your mind, and I don’t think you’ll be able to look at him in the same light.

Also you don’t know 100% that he wasn’t in London, when he should have been at his mums. It’s nothing for most people to pay a flying visit by car or train.

Good luck.

My husband of 19 years recently told me he likes wearing women’s underwear, this was after a year or so of huge mental health issues and arguments, that were a lot to do with him hiding who he really was and what he was into. We have worked our way through it and part of this was me making it clear it wasn’t what I found out he was doing but the LYING and deceit that came with it. It very nearly split us up.

But now with him having 18 months of therapy and exploring his issues, a lot of which are from childhood, plus open communication and transparency from both sides, this fetish honestly doesn’t bother me. As long as it doesn’t affect our relationship or sex life I don’t mind what he does in his own time. He knows my clear boundaries and I know his.

But everyone has their own acceptance so it’s also not wrong to feel weird about this kind of behaviour. I would say though if the relationship is otherwise good (that’s the key!) then sometimes it’s worth trying to work through it.

Oh and also to add this doesn’t automatically mean he is gay, bi or trans. It’s actually a very common fetish in heterosexual men.

Thank you for all your support. I’ve got a lot to think about.

OP unless l've missed it you haven't said what the trust issues were about and why you chucked him out 4 times. That's an important consideration as well as the Fetishism.

To be honest it was about his past. Nothing bad. Just played down he’d never had a proper relationship. I found out he had, I wondered why he lied. He said he didn’t see them as a serious relationship. I thought he was hiding them for a reason… basically all things because i was super insecure after having our daughter. Things, if im completely honest… didn’t matter in the slightest. My hormones and new contraception played a huge part in my insecurity. And in all the time we’d been together he never put a foot wrong. Not once. Until now.

OP, before you make a decision perhaps you should consider counselling to help you to work out what's best for you and your baby. You've had a shock and you need support to help you understand and manage your feelings.

but I’m so scared of him

Never, ever be with a man you’re scared of.

Why are you trying to shame women for their sexuality? You might be attracted to men forcing their bodies into sexualised womens clothing that doesn’t fit them, but many of us find it repulsive. Is that ok, or are we all meant to revolve around what men find a turn on, with no desires or preferences of our own? If women like hairy chests and deep voices, what’s wrong with that exactly, are we not allowed our own sexuality?

Don't be ridiculous. Where exactly is this poster trying to shame anyone?

She's laughing at the assertions by other posters that women only want a certain type of man, which is a laughable assertion. Women are attracted to all different kinds of men and none of them are "wrong". The only people doing any "shaming" here are those who say a man must be big and manly and hairy and women can't possibly want anything else.

Wow. I suppose it depends on if this is something you can deal with. I know I couldn’t.

She's laughing at the assertions by other posters that women only want a certain type of man, which is a laughable assertion. Women are attracted to all different kinds of men and none of them are "wrong

I was that poster and if that's your interpretation of what I wrote, your reading comprehension - like our Frank N Furter loving poster (who disappeared when I pointed out that "she" is contradicting herself about fish net tight usage by men and their availability) - is very poor indeed.

To reiterate, when I shouldn't have to, when women on here are asked what attracts them to their partner, every thread is filled with character traits and masculine physical traits .....at never, once, ever, have I seen a woman state she is attracted to men who - as Naunet so succinctly puts it - "force their bodies into sexualised womens clothing that doesn’t fit them" (and take photos of themselves bent over).
Oh and that clothing is their wife or partners , and she never agree to it.

Threads like this attract a certain type of poster.... But they are not representative, and that needs highlighted for a vulnerable op trying to process this.

For those saying it's no big deal, maybe for you it isn't but sexuality and interest in anyone sexually is a personal thing and for many women it would be a complete turn off regardless of how much they like the bloke, see also porn, excessive weight, smoking, bisexuality - whatever!! Same goes for guys too by the way with women.

If a fetish is a complete turn off to you- it simply is. I would find this revolting and weird personally- if it doesn't bother you that's fine- that's you- but it does bother the OP who I think like me will struggle to feel the same on a sexual level

or are we all meant to revolve around what men find a turn on

Yeah, if the shoe was on the other foot, no pun intended and a man discovered his partner was dressing up in his boxers with a sock or cod piece down them, a fake beard etc and taking photos of herself ...... I can imagine most men's reactions.
And I can imagine most men's level of ongoing comfort, attraction and commitment.

Never forget, we must always be handmaidens for men and their sexuality...even if it includes "sissification". Women should always always accept and understand and be kind and compromise.

I honestly wonder about the women on this thread who say they've accepted it, it reminds me of women accepting infidelity.

That's because society has conditioned us to view men as rigidly conforming to specific clothing stereotypes. Why is pink and dollies for girls and blue and lorries for boys? Does anyone even question that before dressing little girls in pink or buying them dolls? Most don't. They just do it because society says girls wear pink and play with dolls. In Victorian times societal norms were to dress boys in pink. What if society didn't dictate that girls wear pink and like dolls or that a man should only wear gender specific clothes? Then nobody would bat an eyelid at boys dressed in pink playing with dolls or men wearing stereotypical women's underwear. Most people don't even question why they think the things they do but just do it without questioning it.

This is about sexualised gender specific clothing.

The men wearing it are wearing it because it's sexualised clothing designed for and worn by the opposite sex. It's because it, in their eyes, makes them sex objects. And female sex objects specifically

Your argument is a separate one and a different thread.

Guys please help me. I’m at rock bottom

Please someone help me

Sorry to hear that, OP.

What is happening? Have you found anything else out today or is it the shock of what you’d already discovered sinking in?

I had an ex who liked to wear tights. He wasn't gay (quite the opposite, he had a bit of a problem when it came to the quantity of women he wanted to shag quite frankly) and he wasn't trans or had any interest in wearing any other items of women's clothes. It really was just a tights and stockings fetish. Sometimes he would want to wear them when we had sex; it didn't bother me so he did sometimes. He often would wear them to masturbate in.

None of that is wrong and what your husband is doing isn't either, but you don't have to participate in it or have it rammed down your throat if it's not your cup of tea.

Good luck.

@OhYoko Lots of gay men are promiscuous with women before they come out . My childhood friend was massively promiscuous from age 12 until his 40s when he came out. I’m sure some men never do come out and just keep being promiscuous. I’m not saying your ex was gay or not, but I’m just saying being promiscuous doesn’t mean he’s not.

I do agree that OP doesn’t have to participate in it though but I’d go further and say she also doesn’t need to be OK with it at all or tolerate it in anyway even if he’s not doing it in front of her.

She’s made quite clear that it disgusts her. She doesn’t have to ignore that disgust and carry on as normal with him.

I had a friend who did that when some of her husbands fetishes came out and it basically made her mentally and emotionally unwell until she accepted that even the very knowledge that this was what he was into was sickening to her, so she split up with him .

What disgusts me is that I’ve had to find it on his phone. He’s said it’s only three times he’s done it since being with me. He’s said the photos were for him. I don’t know what to believe. I just left the house to end it all but I know I can’t so I’ve come back. I need help. I love him so much

Someone please help me

You're relying too much on receiving help here, at the end of the day you have to put the action in yourself. No one here is in your place.

I’m on my own arnt I