Partner wearing my fishnets

[Needsupportad]

Me and my boyfriend have had lots of trust issues over the past four months. Out baby is five months old and in that time lots of lies about his past has come out. Silly things, but it’s broken the trust none the less. He’s gone back to his mums four times and the last time he went he seemed different. Much more angry, much more sure he wanted to leave us.

We spoke, he came back and things seemed to be better. My trust issues were still there but I was trying to keep them under wraps for everyone’s sake and so we could move on.

Last night I found photos of him in his deleted folder, wearing my fishnets, he was bent over, grabbing his private parts and one full frontal of his penis. It was while he was at his mums.

I confronted him and he’s told me he likes the feel of them. It turns him on. He’s not gay and he loves me. He said the photos were to get him off. He said he’s done it for years but not since we’ve been together. He said it’s only started up over the last two months.

I am in shock, I feel sick and in so upset. I do think he loves me. I really do. What is this? Is it my fault because I’ve not been trusting him lately and questioning him daily. Is he Gay? Please help me. I’m not being a good mum to my baby girl, because I’m so heartbroken.

Eew the guy I was with who was into this was also into all sorts. I think by the time they got hooked on this paraphillia they are porn addicted and lost. Gay hook ups, prostitutes, swingers websites the lot. Bye bye.

Look in his history for fab and fabguys.

I just can’t sleep. Never have I seen him presenting himself in that way. Never have I seen him that hard. The way he was bending over. When me and his little girl were at home. Why would he do this. Who is he

Yeah I’d be so disgusted but more to the point OP is so I don’t see there’s much of a future for you. Not just based on that but the fact you’ve been having issues with his lies etc before and this is just yet another lie.

I agree with pp it’s unlikely that photo was just there for himself.

Something I’ve noticed with men struggling with their sexuality who are in heterosexual relationships is they often turn on the women they’re with. So it makes sense that you’ve sensed resentment or a feeling of him wanting distance recently.

This is why finding out weird things like that not only disgusts but scares me. It’s the idea of if this man is presenting so differently when you’re not around - are you in a relationship with a stranger basically ?

I don’t like the idea of not properly knowing the person I’m sharing my life with. When that person is a man it’s particularly alarming because we know what a risk men can potentially present to women.

This is part of why most women want to know who their partner is inside and out, and knowing their partner intimately is what contributes to a sense of safety.

If you don’t know who you’re shacked up it can cause you to feel very unsafe.

Darling, I think you need to talk to someone tomorrow. Out loud. In person. Whether it’s your mum or a good friend. And then look for professional counselling. Do not think that by keeping quiet you are doing the right thing.

For right now, ring the samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/. They will at least help calm the shouting that is going on in your head.

This is not your fault. It is all him. You will never understand it. He does it because he likes it and he likes it so much he does it again and again and again. You are not thought about.

OP lots of people on MN are horrified at men with cross dressing fetishes so you’ll only really get one side here, that said some women are ok with their partners having a cross dressing kink and that’s their decision but less represented on MN. It’s how YOU feel about it that’s important.

You’ve opened the thread by saying how horrified you are. Do not compromise on this initial feeling. It’s your gut feeling and you need to trust it. It is sending your brain an important message. Listen to what it is saying to you.

So aside from the fetish and the extremely sexual photographs, you now have evidence of him having ordered an std kit on his phone. What are the chances of that? Regardless of where the test is going, given what you’ve recently discovered and your gut feeling, this is another red flag that something isn’t right in your relationship.

Why were you split up in the first place? Who instigated it? Your relationship was already imperfect and he was quite happy to go back to mummy and wank in your tights in his childhood bedroom. You lost trust to be snooping so something was already badly wrong.

You have a baby now and that baby is your priority, nit your boyfriend and his fetishes. Would you want your daughter feeling like this about a future partner? What would
you say to her if she came to you with this problem? How you handle this and future romantic relationships will be the blueprint for your daughter’s relationships with future partners. It’s no longer just about you and him.

Also important - Be careful not to conflate perceptions of love with feelings of fear of being alone. Is having a boyfriend you cannot trust worth more than being single but content and not feeling gaslit and confused and suspicious all the time?

You have an opportunity here OP to create a life you are in control of. One that suits you and your baby and doesn’t involve the fetishes of other people. You deserve better op, you know that and that’s why you have posted.

Envision your best life and aim for that but don’t rely on anyone else to make that vision a reality. Allow future romantic partners to be a bonus in that vision but not the goal. Enjoy your baby and don’t waste any more time fretting over someone’s kinks that make you unhappy. The single life doesn’t bring these kinds of problems.

He’s sent this because he says the text message was nothing to do with him and he will prove it

OP,
This what I believe is what is meant by the "work" of marriage. Discovering all the sides to person, including things you don't like and realising that you have not been sharing everything.

Why is the communication/emotional safety environment between you such that one person cannot tell another about an important part of their life, is the question you both need to grapple with.

Who contributes what part to this and can you work through it and create a mature relationship where you share everything that you think would hurt or upset the other person.

This article by a marriage counsellor addresses here.

To Be Safe You Must Share

So much excellent advice here op,
Read this over and over.

Sending you love ❤️

Really op?

That's not really proof he didn't use the service.

It's just a standard response saying if you didn't request this, contact us or ignore

Just because it transpires that they don't do tests outside London, doesn't mean someone knew that when they tried to order a test/s.

Maybe it only became clear during ordering and he'd already gone part of the way through the process and supplied a number.

What are the chances someone got one digit wrong when ordering an std test kit and it happened to be his number?
Around the time you discovered he likes to dress up in female intimate apparel and take photos of himself. As experienced posters on here have said, those photos aren't always for their own use only. And it sounds like he's been moving out and leaving you, more than once - plenty of opportunity.

The totally random accidental test kit thing, alongside everything else, would certainly be a crazy coincidence....
Mundane, things (like he's done at least one hook up via a site he uploaded those type of photos on, and he didn't realise the test kit couldn't be received/serviced outside London when he started the registration process) seem more likely.

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Nobody orders sti kits for someone else,pull your head out of the clouds.

This what I believe is what is meant by the "work" of marriage. Discovering all the sides to person, including things you don't like and realising that you have not been sharing everything.

In a decent marriage, thar would be minor stuff .... Not stuff like this FFS!

But equally important - they're not married.

It's notable you haven't even noticed that fundamental fact, is a thread where you're supposed to be helping the op.
Instead you appear to have your own agenda and be trotting out default stuff about marriage and marriage counseling.
They're not married and he hasn't even been able to participate in a live in relationship without leaving several times.

Discovering a man has a sissification fetish, is taking photos of himself in your intimate clothing without your permission or awareness, photos that he's possibly sharing, and that he's now had the incredible coincidence of having someone ordering an std kit get a digit wrong and use his number ..... Is not the "work of marriage".

It's several signs to run.

I’ve been on the site. You can only get a code once you put in your address. I tried outs and it said that they don’t deal with our area.
I tried a London address and I got a code.

It couldn’t possibly have been to be sent to our address as he wouldn’t have got a code for our address.

This part is confusing to me. Like I said. It’s too much of a coincidence. But it couldn’t have been a test for him.

It’s the cross dressing. And even more so the photos that is petrifying me.

Maybe it's to use while in London. (?)

Or maybe it's for someone in London to forward to him.

Or, as you said, maybe it's for someone else with whom he's had/will be having sexual contact (though not sure why they wouldn't order their own).

He wouldn’t go to London. It could be for someone to forward to him. But i really don’t think he’s physically cheated. He’s been to his mams but it’s been for one or two nights and we’ve constantly spoke while he was there. There’s have been no time. He works from home and she doesn’t go anywhere else.

no one take sex pictures for themselves though do they

I don't know if I've missed it on this thread, or posters are referring to another thread, but it's been mentioned that he's moved out more than once.

I'm not sure if that's before you were pregnant, during, or since.

Whatever the case, that does not sound very stable or secure or functioning.

Now you've found out he's a cross dresser/has an autogynaefilia/sissification fetish. That's not something minor, in spite of a few weird posters trying to say that it is and that many women tolerate it (where are their stats on that? It's all conjecture).

Totally aside from the dishonesty and crappiness of using your intimate clothing in that way behind your back .....it's entirely common and normal if you find that repulsive.
A man dressing in female clothing etc would be pretty much the biggest turn off I can think of.
You're absolutely "allowed" to find it unacceptable and not want a relationship with a man like that.

Those are two reasons to GTFO, totally aside from whether you ever prove if he's cheated or not. Which often people cannot.

I'm wondering if him moving out for one or two nights (more than once) was due to arguments engineered by him to get some time and space to do what he wanted. Whether that was at his Mum's house or elsewhere.

Unless you were tracking his phone (and he took it everywhere with him all the time) you don't know for sure where he was. Speaking on the phone... People can do that easily .. cheating men do it all the time while with different people, not being where they say they are etc.

The arguments. Were always engineered by me. I threw him out three times. He left on his own accord once due to me questioning him

What were you questioning him about?

OP he's not who you thought he was. You don't know him. Fetishism aside, what were the rows about so that you chucked him out 3 times? And why are you scared of him? This should be enough for you to end things right now. You don't trust him and now never can. Your little baby deserves better and so do you.

I can't understand why you are so certain that he would not go to London. Unless you aren't in the UK.

To me it looks like he's ordered that kit for either somebody else to use before he has sex with them or for him to use before he has sex with them.

The geography of it all is a small part of what's happening.

He wouldn’t go to London as I would know if he did. He works from home. I would know if he took a trip to london

Ok, that's a different thing. He couldn't go to London without you being aware of it is different from 'he wouldn't go to London'.

To me it seemed a relatively small step from these photos and the STI test to actually meeting up with someone and I couldn't understand why you were hanging your hat so completely on that not being possible because it was London.