Partner wearing my fishnets

[Needsupportad]

Me and my boyfriend have had lots of trust issues over the past four months. Out baby is five months old and in that time lots of lies about his past has come out. Silly things, but it’s broken the trust none the less. He’s gone back to his mums four times and the last time he went he seemed different. Much more angry, much more sure he wanted to leave us.

We spoke, he came back and things seemed to be better. My trust issues were still there but I was trying to keep them under wraps for everyone’s sake and so we could move on.

Last night I found photos of him in his deleted folder, wearing my fishnets, he was bent over, grabbing his private parts and one full frontal of his penis. It was while he was at his mums.

I confronted him and he’s told me he likes the feel of them. It turns him on. He’s not gay and he loves me. He said the photos were to get him off. He said he’s done it for years but not since we’ve been together. He said it’s only started up over the last two months.

I am in shock, I feel sick and in so upset. I do think he loves me. I really do. What is this? Is it my fault because I’ve not been trusting him lately and questioning him daily. Is he Gay? Please help me. I’m not being a good mum to my baby girl, because I’m so heartbroken.

Tbh, I'd be more concerned about the state of your relationship. his lying and running back and forth to mum as soon as it gets too much.
You have a young child, this time should be about enjoying them. You might love him but you really need to look at the bigger picture here. Fetish included, everyone to their own but those images even of a complete stranger would make me feel sick with revulsion let along my partner doing it.

That test kit text was in March. It's odd that there's no follow up, as there usually is the next, or even same day. I've ordered them before. So he never received the kit. The website address is also missing the end of it. I'm thinking it could be spam.

Also joining the very small chorus of people saying this doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be. Laughing out loud at people saying that women just want hairy chests and deep voices - just reinforcing those stereotypes I see!

Maybe your partner does enjoy dressing up and wants to do more. Doesn't mean that you
a.Have to be involved,
b.Have to worry about it.
I've had several partners who wear lingerie from time to time. Didn't make them any less manly. Didn't 'escalate' because someone's sexuality is a small part of them. They just felt sexy, as do I when I put on fishnets and heels! And they bloody were! (But then I had a but of a crush on Frank n Furter so not asking you to agree.) This AGP talk is so inflammatory and unnecessary.

I understand that it's shocked you OP, but please take some time to talk and think with him. He's not a monster. It's clothes.

Yeah aside from the fact they’re not married I wouldn’t call this the work of marriage. I mean it’s the kind of thing you should find out in the first few weeks or months of being with a man and then you can decide to stay or leave. It’s not really fair for a man to keep it quiet and for you to proceed to marriage before you find out an undiscovered “other side” related to something as big as this.

Laughing out loud at people saying that women just want hairy chests and deep voices - just reinforcing those stereotypes I see!

Not what was actually said ..... But I'm laughing out loud at the people saying women want to have relationships with and sex with men who wear their lingerie and stockings and take photos of themselves in it.

Yeah, that's attractive and sexy and respect- inducing in a man.

Ever noticed the dream boys/Chippendales/magic mike guys (who are aiming at the mainstream) don't have a lingerie drag act as part of their show??

That's because that wouldn't be sexy/fun/attractive/funny to women; it would only be "funny" (at best).

Or ludicrous, uncomfortable & cringy to watch
, more like.

Who the fuck wants that in their home/sex life?
Maybe if you enjoy humiliating men .... Personally I don't enjoy humiliating people in my life, sex life or otherwise...nor do I find men acting & dressing up like the most objectified, sex object-y version of "femininity" attractive.

But then I had a but of a crush on Frank n Furter so not asking you to agree.)

How surprising.

It's clothes

Nope.

It's not clothes when people wear uniforms. It's not clothes when people wear regalia, it's not clothes when people wear sexy lingerie, it's not clothes when people wear BDSM gear, it's not clothes when people wear clothing items that are exclusively designed for and worn by the opposite sex, for specific functions like being sexually appealing and having sex.

In all those instances, the clothes symbolise something. That's why they'rs being worn.

Ever noticed the dream boys/Chippendales/magic mike guys (who are aiming at the mainstream) don't have a lingerie drag act as part of their show??

I don't find the Magic Mike boys that attractive tbf - I've been to a show and it involved drunk, screaming hens, sex toys being 'blown' (ew!) and some men with muscles dry humping and bending women over on stage. Is it sexy when women are being dominated? I don't think so.

That's because that wouldn't be sexy/fun/attractive/funny to women me; it would only be "funny" (at best).

Corrected that for you. I'm a woman and I do find it sexy/fun/attractive. Don't speak for all of us please.

There's nothing embarrassing or horrid about it imo.

Don't speak for all of us please.

Right back at you.

And you're in a tiny minority.
Every thread like this shows that.

Stop trying to make it seem like acceptable behaviour.
Stop trying to make an upset op feel like she should be ok with it.

Is it sexy when women are being dominated?

Women aren't being "dominated" at male strip shows.

They pretend hump in various positions, if they don't want a one on one, they don't have to get involved in one.

(And if they're a bride to be, they don't have to attend a male strip revue at all, they know they'll probably be given a one on one as a bride to be).

But why do they have to exclusively worn and designed for the opposite sex? Unfair and untrue. Plenty of blokes wear fishnets. There is lingerie designed for male bodies. So therefore it's not exclusive.

I'm sure the OPs partner did feel sexy. But what's wrong with that? I feel sexy in lingerie. I haven't taken pics because that's me, but plenty of women do. Are they all AGP and worthy of this moral panic?

I find this place very confusing sometimes because people preach 'clothes don't have a gender' and 'wear what you like' but the minute a bloke wears a pair of fishnets, gloves are off.

I don't find the Magic Mike boys that attractive tbf

Well, you fancy Frank N Furter from the Rocky Horror Show, and find men dressed in lingerie attractive and sexy in your sex life so ..

They aim at the mainstream... You are not mainstream.

Plenty of blokes wear fishnets.

🙄.

Okaaay.

I've been to two. Both of which involved bending women over chairs and pretending to shag them. One involved a dildo being shoved in women's faces in the audience as an invitation to do some thing with it. One woman played along and put her mouth on it, then they shoved it in further and pushed her head down several times.

THAT I find disgusting and degrading. But every other woman there was cheering and whooping, so obviously I have strange taste.

You haven't mentioned the fact he took HER clothes to do this. She has been made part of this act without her consent. Likely he gets off on the idea that he's taken them covertly and that she might wear them again without knowing he's masturbated in them.

You can roll your eyes all you like but the quote was that lingerie is designed 'exclusively' for the opposite sex and it's just not true.

You're right there and I concede that. Shouldn't have taken hers. Should have got his own.

We don't know why, so can't speculate. I'm personally assuming that it's because that's what was available, but who knows.

I think you're being very generous and rather naive. Any adult knows stealing someone else's clothes to jerk off in is absolutely disgusting and completely unacceptable. It's not as if he has to go into a lingerie shop and buy them himself and effectively out himself. He can order them online, discreetly, and if he had any decency or respect for her, that's what he would have done.

For that element alone, she should leave him.

Edit - apologies dropped my quote. For post above!

You’ve broken up 4 times before you found the pics and your child’s only 5 months old?

I mean, THAT would be enough to signal it’s not working, and won’t, without any of the fishnet stuff or the std kit even coming into it.

I think you're being very generous and rather naive.

"She's" not naive, she's some other words though.

Wasn't referring to fetish gear (only available in sex shops and online fetish retailers.

Not sure what you don't understand about that).

Women can buy fishnets or stocking in high street stores and women's lingerie shops.

They are not for sale in men's high street stores, nor are there men's high street lingerie shops. There are reasons for that. Get it.

You seem to be letting your fetish/alternative lifestyle choices black your awareness/understanding (at best).

And you're also very keen on promoting the idea that fishnet hosiery is made for men too, and widely bought...yet say that the reason op's p took and used hers is because of availability ("I'm personally assuming that it's because that's what was available").

And are rather blind to her lack of consent.

You're kinda tripping yourself up "luv".

I agree, I had an ex who also liked it, especially the feel of stockings on his legs.
I actually bought him shoes and underwear
I saw him in it, it didn't bother me, he was still my boyfriend, he was still manly and it was part of him. I didn't judge and it didn't disgust me. I made the effort to understand him
I'm not sure if his current partner knows but he's not gay, not trans and I hope he's happy

I referred to what male strippers wear, in attempting to appeal to mainstream women,
in the context of this thread. I pointed out that it never includes lingerie.

You are derailing with debates about what happens at male strips shows. No doubt they vary and ateotd it's up to women whether they attend and what they participate in if they attend. If women participate in some simulated sex act and then feel the male strippers took it too far/trampled consent, they would need to tackle it at the time or after with the promoter/police etc. That's a separate subject and kinda off topic.

OP I am so sorry you ard going through this particularly at such a vulnerable time. But your gut is telling you this isn't right- trust your gut instinct! You are scared but your head is trying to convince you its "ok" but really it's not- he's walked out several times and has sexual fetish that revolts you.
He sounds mixed up too which is why he is running away to his mums.
Longer term this will damage your self esteem and your baby will grow up in a environment where there is tension and distrust.
I would take a deep breath and end the relationship- what is your housing situation and income / job security like?
I do think counselling would be helpful, perhaps talk to your GP