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Original poster

Why can’t he leave her alone?

319 replies

SunflowerRose1990 · 06/04/2024 11:23

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 06/04/2024 11:33

OP you are going to get the same responses as last time. He hasn’t chosen you, he isn’t leaving her alone because he loves her, you can see clear as day in his messages who he wants to be with. You can’t recover when an “affair” is still ongoing, and I remember from your last post your marriage has very much not been a marriage for a long time now. He’s never going to just leave her alone because purely and simply he does not want to.

The best thing you can do is separate and figure out how to coparent.

SamW98 · 06/04/2024 11:36

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone.

But he hasn’t chosen to commit to you. Hes playing the father but he’s checked out of the marriage. Everyone told you the same on your previous thread - why not reread that and take in what pretty much every PP told you?

He can’t leave her alone because he doesn’t want to. He wants to be with her. Why do you want to be with a man who wants another woman more than he wants you? Please find your self respect and tell him to leave. You need to be accept your marriage is over and find a way to co parent.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 06/04/2024 11:36

He’s in love with someone else. You both deserve to be happy and should split up.

olivebranch31 · 06/04/2024 11:41

Why do you want to be with a man that loves someone else?

CrunchingNumbers · 06/04/2024 11:45

Sorry to say, agree with all the above. Nothing redeemable at all from your relationship, sounds like your marriage has long been over. You have only been married for 4 years and already the vast bulk of that has been without intimacy.
Successful co-parenting should be your goal here, nothing else.

ivs · 06/04/2024 12:07

Sorry OP- you deserve so much better than this -

Get yourself sorted and ready to go alone - its going to be hard, but not as hard as being someones second choice

MonsteraMama · 06/04/2024 12:10

He loves her and wants to be with her, it really is that simple. For whatever reason he's decided to try and do what he probably perceives as "the right thing" by staying with you for the baby, but it's quite clear his heart is with her.

If he was truly committing to you and your family he would have blocked her. Your marriage has been over for a long time, you both need to cut the cord and go your separate ways, figure out how to co-parent and properly separate. If nothing else this weird limbo is not a good place to raise a child.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 06/04/2024 18:29

He doesn't love you he loves her

Have some self respect, let him go and enjoy your life with your baby.

Pinkbonbon · 06/04/2024 18:36

Why would you have a bay with someone you haven't slept with in 3 years!

You must be mad.

He's also, not your partner. He's a man you used for a baby. Let him go free.

Nonotnono · 06/04/2024 18:40

SunflowerRose1990 · 06/04/2024 11:23

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

Because he wants to be with her. Not you. I'm really sorry, it is as simple as that

StrawberryWater · 06/04/2024 18:41

Kick him out already.

And then work on your self esteem.

SamW98 · 06/04/2024 18:56

OP - Despite what every single person told you on the previous thread, you are still in complete denial - he wants HER. Even your pregnancy isn’t stopping him pursuing her. Her hasn’t chosen you - he wants her

I can’t believe how passive you’re being about your husband shagging another woman for 3 years, being head over heels in love with her, continuing an emotional relationship with her and only staying with your because you’re carrying his child. And you just shrug your shoulders, accept it without question and just wonder why he’s still unable to give her up.

Please as hard as it is, see what’s in front of your eyes - your marriage is dead. The only way forward is to separate and agree a co parenting plan.

mathanxiety · 06/04/2024 19:07

He loves her and enjoys the sexual relationship he's having with her.

You need to accept reality here. Some relationships don't survive loss, or lack of sex.

For some reason, you and he were OK with a sexless relationship with each other.

Your H was clearly sexually attracted to another woman and fell in love with her. Maybe this is why he was ok with a sexless marriage to you.

You, otoh, if I'm not mistaken, were happy to have a sexless marriage and to have sex only in order to become pregnant.

He wants a different sort of relationship from the one he has with you.

He just hasn't been honest about that, and he has confused you by going ahead with impregnating you.

I'd ask him to choose wholeheartedly what he wants here.

You can still be coparents. He can still support the baby, develop a parenting relationship with him or her, and support you financially.

Namechange666 · 06/04/2024 21:15

Op just let him go. His heart and mind are elsewhere. You haven't been intimate for a long time. It wouldn't surprise me if he turns around soon and says he is leaving.

Take control, find out where you stand financially, split amicably and co- parent your daughter. You deserve happiness too but unfortunately it isn't going to come from your husband.

Opentooffers · 06/04/2024 22:04

It's all downhill once sex goes if noone addresses it. Chances are, only one of the 2 doesn't want sex and is either miserable or coping OK because of getting sex elsewhere. Why he agreed to have a baby in such circumstances, you'll have to ask him about, he clearly should of said no, and could of easily done so on the grounds of you only wanting sex to have a DC.

Tillievanilly · 06/04/2024 22:09

Provably because you are pregnant he has tried to do the right thing. But he hasn’t done the right thing because he still wants her. I don’t understand how you had a sexless marriage for so long but decided to have a baby. Let him go choose you.

SunflowerTed · 06/04/2024 23:53

He is committed to her unfortunately. He’s head over heels in love sadly. Accept it. I’m sure once the baby comes you can work out a co-parenting arrangement

Catoo · 07/04/2024 00:51

Let him go OP.

GreyCarpet · 07/04/2024 11:52

I didn't see your last thread but even from just reading this post, it's clear that what everyone else is saying is true.

He hasn't chosen you. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy who leaves his wife and certainly won't now you're pregnant. Not for a while anyway. Not until the hardships of a newborn kick in and, even then, he'll probably stick around for a bit longer.

You'll both think it'll be easier to split when the child is older but then you will feel you don't want to split their family up; disrupt their normal. And you might even both chug along for a few more years.

But the resentment wiĺ grow on both sides and it will end eventually.

And he will have really been with her the whole time. He will have a relationahip to go to and you will be posting on here asking how to pick up the pieces of your broken life and your self esteem will be lying at your feet in tatters.

He doesn't love you. He loves her.

It's far easier to split and start a new life when the baby is still inside you and doesn't require a shed load of stuff to be carted around.

Original poster
SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 10:59

Update - he went out with his brother all day on Saturday. He came home late but wasn’t too drunk. He seemed off yesterday so when he went to sleep I looked at his phone. He went to her house on Saturday night and they slept together. He messaged her yesterday and said something about Saturday not being a mistake but that he knew she would meet an amazing person because she deserves it as she is an amazing person. It seems like he’s drawing a line in their relationship and I’m just not sure whether I should rock the boat and confront him again.

OP posts:
Jf20 · 10/04/2024 11:02

This is very sad op. Why are you doing this, he’s in love with another woman and only staying for the child. Why are you accepting this?

Catlover1970 · 10/04/2024 11:03

I'd just leave it. You seem quite happy to carry on your relationship knowing your partner is in love with someone else and shagging elsewhere.

BodyKeepingScore · 10/04/2024 11:06

OP he hasn't chosen you. He loves another woman, is sleeping with her and you bizarrely seem to tolerate this. For the sake of your child, end the relationship and learn how to co parent amicably. No healthy relationship goes so long without intimacy in the early days

SamW98 · 10/04/2024 11:07

Oh come on OP is this really what you want? Your husband in love with another woman, only with you because of the baby and still shagging his lover while you’re pregnant despite barely shagging you in 3 years except to conceive? You really think this is him choosing you?

Honestly is this all you think you’re worth and you’re happy to bring a child into this farce?

Surely you see this isn’t normal

Toomuchgoingon79 · 10/04/2024 11:08

OP he's in love with someone else. He doesn't want to be with you and appears to be only staying because of the baby. Why you would have a baby with him in the first place is bizarre. You should have asked him to leave a long time ago. This is not a relationship.

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