Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

Maybe I do feel I’m to blame, I don’t know how I didn’t realise what was going on and it’s that that makes me think things between us were worse than I thought. I always thought things were just ok but reading what he had with her, I’ve never seen him like that before. He called her baby in practically every message, we’ve never done nicknames. He told her he had just never felt like this before, he couldn’t live without her, she was his best friend, he went to her with every problem he had, we talked about stuff going on but he wanted it to be her to help him. They talked about a life together in a way he never did with me. He’s brought her to our house and numerous occasions it seems and I saw one message where she was cross with him for suggesting they sleep together in our bed. Like are we that disconnected that he felt he could do that? And for three years this was going on and I just don’t know how I didn’t know. He isn’t particularly sophisticated, he’s just a normal person. He’s been cheated on before and it always seemed like he needed to be in a relationship. By that I just mean he isn’t some lothario with a woman in every village. Its like he’s hidden this side of himself and what he needs and I just didn’t notice or maybe didn’t care to notice.
NOT DEFENDING HIM FYI just answering from my perspective.

I think he is so deep in the Affair Fog (Google it) that he's totally living in a fantasy world. The wording of his messages are par for the course, words are worth nothing. The number of men that have come out of the Affair Fog and cannot believe what they have written or claimed to have felt is unbelievable. I think you need to find your anger. Why aren't you more angry he was suggesting sleeping with her in your bed? I'd rip my DH a new one just for typing it! I think your world will turn if you out this man. It will either burst his affair bubble and finish them off or else you will find yourself free of this vile person. I know you don't think you'll be doing yourself a favour but, trust me, you will in the long run.

He took her to your house and then suggested they shag in your bed. I'm gobsmacked that you have so little self worth that you put up with that. The man has worn you down to believe he deserves your pity.

He doesn't care how much he hurts you, and you shouldn't give a shit if their affair becomes public knowledge. It was their decision to start the affair so they should deal with the consequences.

Please, if you were my friend this is what I'd say, after coming over and helping you pack your bags. Go , leave take your baby to your parents don't put up with his shit anymore and let him deal with the fallout. It is not your responsibility, he is making it obvious that he doesn't love you or care about you. Find someone who will because you deserve to be someone's number 1 and your baby deserves a happy mother.

If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

Oh man, it just keeps getting worse and worse. The fact that he’s had her in your house, and would be willing to sleep with her in your bed, shows that he’s not even trying to separate his affair from you or his marriage. It’s the ultimate lack of respect. God I wish you’d get angry, print out copies of all his messages and send them to all his family and friends.

HE is the one to blame here. In every single way. Does the OW know you’re pregnant again now, btw? I can’t remember from earlier in the thread.

The fact that he suggested they have sex in your bed is disgusting. That's really fucking uncalled for, regardless of everything else I've said on this thread.

Knowing that I'd struggle to co-parent. That would royally piss me off.

Because he is a coward so wants to keep u happy with a baby while he keeps his other relationship a secret. Im sorry this has happened to you! Take your power back kick him out or leave you and ur baby dont need anyone but you and if he wants to be a dad he can but without hurting you in thr process sending your strength and loves YOU ARE WORTH MORE

This just gets weirder and weirder. I feel for the baby

OP, have you considered the possibility that he only agreed to the child because he thought your time would be too fully occupied for you to see what he was up to? Playing happy families isn't what he wants now and he's checked out. Please do yourself a favour, stop worrying what other people might think, and let him go. No good will come of trying to hang on to a man who doesn't want you.

I feel sorry for the baby in all this - he's an uncaring father and you are obsessive and refusing to act in your child's best interests.

How recently did you find all this stuff out? I can't tell if you've found all this out in the past couple of weeks or if you've known about the affair for years.

I found out a few weeks ago

You've found out quite a lot, lots of messages, all the details in them and then things like his decision not to leave you when your anxiety was bad, months and months ago - your head must be reeling. No wonder you sound so numb.

One thing stood out reading this thread (even though it all sounds so awful) and that was when you found out he (yet again) had gone to her house and had sex with her but you didn't want to 'rock the boat' by confronting him but you later found out he had added her back on instagram and was looking at her posts and that apparently angered you enough you wanted to talk to him about it. I mean, what?....WHAT!?

You do not have a relationship anymore. Not sure you even had one before he started sleeping with this other woman if you hadn't been intimate in three years and did your own things constantly. You live with and are married to a man that another woman probably refers to as her boyfriend and her his girlfriend. He loves another woman and he isn't even trying to hide it. At this point you are NOT staying with him for the sake of your child so stop pretending you are, this kind of environment will most likely damage your child, you are putting up with it for yourself - because doing something about it seems scary and pretending it isn't happening is easier....for you. If you feel like you cannot end this right now then at least please look into some therapy for yourself. None of this is normal or OK.

I just wanted to ask this because it’s something I’ve been thinking about today. If the circumstances of my marriage were as I described and the circumstances of his affair were as I described, if I never found out about the affair but he either ended it because of the baby or the contact between them lessened, what do you think the outcome of our relationship would have been?

It seems so clear now what has to be done but I can’t help but wonder how long we could have carried on like this? Do you relationships that just feel ok just plod on for as long as each person goes along with it or do people become closer again? Could we have stayed like this forever or was our relationship always on a course to implode?

Sorry this is so random but I can’t shake this niggling feeling about it.

Hard to say for sure, but the love is gone in your marriage, on his side at least. He might have plodded along for a while but I doubt very much he wants a life time of no sex, no intimacy, no love. So he would have had another affair, and another, and another, and then one day he would have either got up the courage to leave on his own or met someone who he wanted so much to be with that he left you. So no, I don't think you wouldn't have gone along like this forever.

I think when someone decides to have an affair instead of working on the marriage, they have decided they have given up on that marriage. If he hadn't done this, it could have been different. But it's too late now. You both just let your relationship slowly rot away. Neither wanting to work on it. Now there is only one direction your marriage can go.

So you're going to settle for looking the other way, you'd rather not know? Are you going to get tested regularly - if he's shagging other women, then you do realise you're risking your health and the health of your baby (and any future children). Have you thought of that? Are you willing to put your own health at risk because he can't keep it in his pants? Ok, good luck to you if you are. He will, of course, see you're a walkover and he will walk right over you - even if this woman wouldn't do it in the marital bed, he'll find someone who will. So you look the other way when he does. Right, OK, don't forget to bring them a cup of tea afterwards.

Sorry, OP, but you need some plain speaking here because you're behaving like a doormat. He's half way out of the door anyway - what will you do: hold him back by force when he decides to leave you? Can't you see how ridiculous and unworkable this all is?

I didn’t say I was prepared to turn a blind eye. My head is running at a million miles a minute with thoughts and I was just asking a question. I can’t help but wonder what could have been different but that is all it is, a wonder.

Come off it, OP. You wouldn't be considering it for one minute if you weren't prepared to turn a blind eye. He's done a real number on you, hasn't he?

What if you'd never married him?
What if you'd not gone on a date with him ?
What if you'd caught a different bus on a particular day?

No point at all in looking back OP. What's done is done. The only thing that anyone can change is the future.

To answer your last question OP, I think that inevitably your relationship wouldn’t have lasted because he has found happiness elsewhere and wants that.

You seem quite passive in all of this and somewhat indifferent as well which also speaks volumes about what you feel about the relationship. I agree with the person way up thread who stated it’s like a tick box exercise of wanting to be married, baby etc. but you’re now in the position of knowing that he’s having an affair and has done for 3 years. Of course being pregnant muddies the waters significantly, but ultimately the end is nigh.

It sounds as though you want to have your baby and hope that he miraculously transforms into a loving husband and father. But realistically that isn’t going to happen. He may try to be a lovely father for a period of time after baby is born, but the foundations of your marriage just aren’t strong enough to build and grow and go forward. Even you recognise this and reveal your marriage could be described as cloudy days.

You are both mid 30s and expecting a baby. This should not be as it is with your husband in love with someone else, stating to her he didn’t think you would fall pregnant, sleeping with her in your marital bed, sending her messages that she’s his soulmate and he can’t live without her etc etc.

You’ve admitted you don’t have the strength of feelings for him that he’s displaying to her. In many ways your reasons for not splitting up are based on fears of lack of friends going forward (your own words). But there’s not much anger, angst and jealousy involved which also indicates your feelings for your husband aren’t that strong either.

Perhaps it would be helpful to confide in your mother and get the support you need and a sense of perspective as honesty this is a ticking time bomb that’s going to explode. It’s just a matter of when, not if.

What on earth is in this for you? You don’t have sex. He spends all his free time with his family or his lover. You are reading his messages on his phone every day to find out what he’s actually up to but you aren’t confronting him or discussing it? It’s obvious he doesn’t love you. Why would you want him to continue being married to you ‘because of the baby’ when you have a sham marriage in which you yourself can’t possibly be happy, let alone him? It beggars belief. For Gods sake, stop hiding in the shadows. Sit him down and tell him you know about the affair. Ask him why he has stayed with you. Then either get a divorce or go to counselling together and work on fixing your massive issues . Stop looking at his phone, creeping around and behaving like a complete wimp. Start being honest.

OP did you both have any kind of counselling after the miscarriage in 2021?
Did you both give up on each other at that point? Were you both more passionate beforehand?

Seems like he started seeing her sometime after that happened?

You ask about whether you could have ticked along if you had never found out. The answer is no. You hadn’t had sex for 3 years before TTC then stopped straight after conceiving. The intimacy had already gone.

Does he still work with her?

I honestly believe he leaves his phone around hoping you will find out and be the one to call it off so that he doesn’t have to make the call.

100% his brother knows. They seem close he will have told him. Expect other family know too.

I think you have to be brave. Have the chat. Be prepared to let him go. Make sure you get a fair settlement in the divorce and move on. Your story is sad. Two people going through a bereavement and unable to get through it together.

But he’s an absolute twat having an affair and then agreeing to TTC with you. Please want a better future for yourself. It is heartbreaking to hear how little value you put on your own happiness.

“friendlycat · Today 23:04
To answer your last question OP, I think that inevitably your relationship wouldn’t have lasted because he has found happiness elsewhere and wants that.

You seem quite passive in all of this and somewhat indifferent as well which also speaks volumes about what you feel about the relationship. I agree with the person way up thread who stated it’s like a tick box exercise of wanting to be married, baby etc. but you’re now in the position of knowing that he’s having an affair and has done for 3 years. Of course being pregnant muddies the waters significantly, but ultimately the end is nigh.

It sounds as though you want to have your baby and hope that he miraculously transforms into a loving husband and father. But realistically that isn’t going to happen. He may try to be a lovely father for a period of time after baby is born, but the foundations of your marriage just aren’t strong enough to build and grow and go forward. Even you recognise this and reveal your marriage could be described as cloudy days.

You are both mid 30s and expecting a baby. This should not be as it is with your husband in love with someone else, stating to her he didn’t think you would fall pregnant, sleeping with her in your marital bed, sending her messages that she’s his soulmate and he can’t live without her etc etc.

You’ve admitted you don’t have the strength of feelings for him that he’s displaying to her. In many ways your reasons for not splitting up are based on fears of lack of friends going forward (your own words). But there’s not much anger, angst and jealousy involved which also indicates your feelings for your husband aren’t that strong either.

Perhaps it would be helpful to confide in your mother and get the support you need and a sense of perspective as honesty this is a ticking time bomb that’s going to explode. It’s just a matter of when, not if.”

This. It’s all very sad but your marriage went badly wrong very shortly after you married. It sounds like you should never have got married to be honest - neither of you seems to really love the other. That’s why marriage has felt like a cloudy day - because you weren’t the right people for each other. It’s hard to fathom how you came to marry. You seem to have drifted into it because it felt like the thing to do at the time. Both of you deserve better than what you’ve got now. Things aren’t going to come good now. Babies put strain even good relationships between very bonded couples; you don’t have what you need to withstand that. But that needn’t stop you being amazing co-parents. You just might need to do that from a position of being separated.

You ask what would have happened if you hadn’t found out about the affair.

Use your cloudy day analogy to work it out. If you live with nothing but cloudy days, you’ll put up with it for a time, but eventually you’ll either fall into a significant depression, or you’ll move somewhere with some sunshine.

That’s what would have happened with your marriage. You‘d probably both bob along for a while, and then you would both end up severely depressed, or eventually one or both of you would leave.

But the thing is you do know, meaning the cloudy day is now becoming a torrential storm, so you’re either going to drown or get out.

Your child deserves to see some sunshine, @SunflowerRose1990.