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Original poster

Why can’t he leave her alone?

319 replies

SunflowerRose1990 · 06/04/2024 11:23

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

OP posts:
Yozzer87 · 10/04/2024 11:12

I mean this in the kindness way, but please get some self respect for yourself. This is no way to be in a relationship. My friend is in a very similar situation and she has been worn down to the ground with it all. She's miserable but most people have lost sympathy for her now because she seems desperate to cling to him when he's taking the piss. He doesn't love you or want to commit fully to you, so what's the point?

ScottishShortie · 10/04/2024 11:17

This is simply awful. Awful for you to have to go through whilst you’re pregnant too. Just awful. He’s an awful awful man and does not deserve you. Or to be a father. He is a liar and a scum bag. You must be in turmoil. Try and stay calm for the baby. Do you have someone else who can be with you for delivery?
kick him out and leave them to it. What a disgusting horrible piece of scum he is, he does not deserve you or this child. This is beyond awful. How dare he.

CrunchingNumbers · 10/04/2024 11:19

I really can't believe what I'm reading OP.
He's still seeing her and sleeping with her yet you "don't want to rock the boat". From where I'm stood, your boat seems to be called Titanic. Nothing good is going to come of this, least for you. He's not going to suddenly stop loving her. Why are doing this to yourself? There's nothing redeeming at all about your H's behaviour. I understand that you love him very much and don't want to lose him but he's already gone.

HappyToSmile · 10/04/2024 11:27

I'm so sorry. But your relationship with your husband is over. He has been having an affair fpr 3 years and is in love with this woman. It isn't a one night drunken fumble. He says none of it was a mistake, he isn't drawing a line in it by saying she will meet someone, he is just wanting her to say "no, I won't you".
Even if he stays, you won't trust him and will always know it's her he wants.
He also needs the balls to end it with you instead of dragging you through all of this for so long. Rocking the boat might actually force him to do that.
Please go and talk to somepne about all of this because we can say it all on here but you won't listen.

Wishimaywishimight · 10/04/2024 11:30

He has not only slept with this woman but has told her she is the love of his life and that he has never felt that way about anyone else (including you obviously).

It's not that he "can't stay away from her", he simply doesn't want to.

If you are willing to stay with this man then you will spend your life waiting on him to either leave you to be with her or have an affair with someone else.

He clearly does not love or respect you. What you do with that information is of course up to you.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 10/04/2024 11:32

He's staying with you because he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

But he loves another woman.

Your marriage is dead and has been since 2021.

Tell him it's over & work on separating your lives. This is no way to live, checking up on him all the time ☹️

randomusernam · 10/04/2024 11:32

Honestly what do you expect if you weren't intimate for three years!? You showed him no love and he looked else where for it. If you don't want to sleep with him why are you having a baby with him? That poor child should never have been brought in to this sham marriage. Things won't get easier once baby is here. You aren't suddenly going to want a complete marriage. You are going to be tired constantly and sex will be the last thing on your mind. He will go back or find someone new. Don't confront him. Just leave and if he asks why just say I know what you did Saturday night. I mean for god sake he isn't even trying to hide it by leaving all that info on his phone.

Crapuscular · 10/04/2024 11:36

You must know, deep down, that your marriage is over.
Clinging onto hope, and him, is not going to make him love you.

He has already checked out of your marriage.

rainraingoaway6 · 10/04/2024 11:45

He started seeing her in 2021 so 3 years ago? And you've only been married 4 years, he's been sleeping with someone else and not with you for almost all of your marriage!
How are you ok with this?
He's not over her, he's sacrificing his happiness for you and struggling with that.
Let him go, he was never yours and you both deserve to be with the right person.
What good do think will come from this?
He'll resent you and you'll be looking over your shoulder for when he can't live a lie anymore because if he loves her which he does, he'll never let her go.

IncompleteSenten · 10/04/2024 11:51

How happy do you think you can be when you know he wants to be with someone else but he's, to put it bluntly, feeling stuck with you and obliged to stay

He's going to carry on sneaking around with her every chance he gets.

Do you think it'll be a happy life for you with you wondering if he's with her when he's out?

Having sex with him and knowing he's been with her and is probably thinking of her when he's having sex with you?

What price is too high a price for you in order to keep him. Physically in your home I mean. Clearly you don't 'have' him either mentally or emotionally, but he's a warm body in your home who would rather not be there.

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 12:08

IncompleteSenten · 10/04/2024 11:51

How happy do you think you can be when you know he wants to be with someone else but he's, to put it bluntly, feeling stuck with you and obliged to stay

He's going to carry on sneaking around with her every chance he gets.

Do you think it'll be a happy life for you with you wondering if he's with her when he's out?

Having sex with him and knowing he's been with her and is probably thinking of her when he's having sex with you?

What price is too high a price for you in order to keep him. Physically in your home I mean. Clearly you don't 'have' him either mentally or emotionally, but he's a warm body in your home who would rather not be there.

It reads like they don’t have sex, it isn’t a romantic or physical relationship any more.

Starlight1979 · 10/04/2024 12:12

SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 10:59

Update - he went out with his brother all day on Saturday. He came home late but wasn’t too drunk. He seemed off yesterday so when he went to sleep I looked at his phone. He went to her house on Saturday night and they slept together. He messaged her yesterday and said something about Saturday not being a mistake but that he knew she would meet an amazing person because she deserves it as she is an amazing person. It seems like he’s drawing a line in their relationship and I’m just not sure whether I should rock the boat and confront him again.

WTF?!?!?! He's in love with someone else and slept with her on Saturday night but you don't want to "rock the boat"?! This cannot be a real post....

Wishitsnows · 10/04/2024 12:13

Op you deserve better than this man. Stop letting him call the shots. Tell him you are leaving him. You will manage on your own and you will find someone worthy of you. He cheated again, don’t waste your life on him.

DailyCake · 10/04/2024 12:22

SuncreamAndIceCream · 10/04/2024 11:32

He's staying with you because he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

But he loves another woman.

Your marriage is dead and has been since 2021.

Tell him it's over & work on separating your lives. This is no way to live, checking up on him all the time ☹️

this 👆
Looking at it a different way, your marriage is over but if you still care for him at all you should set him free to seek his own happiness. Keeping him won't make him love you.

Lovewine1975 · 10/04/2024 12:27

He is going to end up resenting you for making him stay, I know its hard I cant imagine being in your situation, but you need to let him go. This isn't a marriage.

Uricon2 · 10/04/2024 12:36

It is not a matter of if he will leave you but when. He was very, very wrong to risk a pregnancy given the situation, when he is in love with and wants to be with someone else, but that's the reality now and if things don't work out with her, it will be another woman down the line.

You sound very detached about him but clearly want this baby, so it would be wise to focus on separating as cleanly as possible and building a decent co parent relationship.

SamW98 · 10/04/2024 12:37

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 12:08

It reads like they don’t have sex, it isn’t a romantic or physical relationship any more.

Show quote history

Yep. The OP posted previously that they hadn’t had sex for 3 years of their 4 year marriage, only split together because she wanted to conceive and haven’t had sex since she fell pregnant

Meanwhile he’s been having a full on sexual and emotional relationship with the other woman who he’s absolutely in love with yet the OP still feels he’s chosen her

Sparklfairy · 10/04/2024 12:41

randomusernam · 10/04/2024 11:32

Honestly what do you expect if you weren't intimate for three years!? You showed him no love and he looked else where for it. If you don't want to sleep with him why are you having a baby with him? That poor child should never have been brought in to this sham marriage. Things won't get easier once baby is here. You aren't suddenly going to want a complete marriage. You are going to be tired constantly and sex will be the last thing on your mind. He will go back or find someone new. Don't confront him. Just leave and if he asks why just say I know what you did Saturday night. I mean for god sake he isn't even trying to hide it by leaving all that info on his phone.

As harsh as it is, I agree with this. You've had no sex for the majority of your marriage, and only did have sex because you wanted a baby. You've basically used him as a sperm donor.

This isn't a marriage. Why do you even want to stay with him? You got the pregnancy you wanted, you haven't slept with him since conceiving, he's clearly in love with someone else, just leave him.

Starlight1979 · 10/04/2024 12:48

Sparklfairy · 10/04/2024 12:41

As harsh as it is, I agree with this. You've had no sex for the majority of your marriage, and only did have sex because you wanted a baby. You've basically used him as a sperm donor.

This isn't a marriage. Why do you even want to stay with him? You got the pregnancy you wanted, you haven't slept with him since conceiving, he's clearly in love with someone else, just leave him.

Show quote history

Me too.

betterangels · 10/04/2024 12:52

Sparklfairy · 10/04/2024 12:41

As harsh as it is, I agree with this. You've had no sex for the majority of your marriage, and only did have sex because you wanted a baby. You've basically used him as a sperm donor.

This isn't a marriage. Why do you even want to stay with him? You got the pregnancy you wanted, you haven't slept with him since conceiving, he's clearly in love with someone else, just leave him.

Show quote history

He should leave and pay what's legally expected of him. I feel sorry for him that he thinks he should stay with someone who doesn't seem to want him when there is someone else out there who clearly does.

RollOnSpringDays · 10/04/2024 12:57

Never thought I’d say this, but it would be for the best if he left you. You can’t seem to see what everyone is telling you, that he loves someone else, and he always will.

OhGoodItsRainingAgain · 10/04/2024 12:58

I remember your earlier thread. You will get the same answers as last time. He does not love you, he loves her. He does not want to be with you, he is in love with her. He will never let her go. If you were unwilling to accept all that last time, what are you expecting people to say this time? Nothing has changed. You are lying down so they can wipe their feet on you. You deserve better than this, please find some strength, get some support, get rid of him and get back your dignity and peace of mind.

Screamingabdabz · 10/04/2024 12:59

Why do you even want this for yourself op? A man who doesn’t love you, you’re not intimate with, who is pining for someone else? Is your self esteem so low you’ll accept even crumbs?

Just be aware - if you do keep dragging this on - it will not be a happy life for any of you, including your child.

NCfor24 · 10/04/2024 13:06

Do you love him?
If yes, then set him free to be happy. He isn't happy with you.
If no, then set yourself free to find your own happiness.
A baby is not going to fix this mess.

Sparklfairy · 10/04/2024 13:13

betterangels · 10/04/2024 12:52

He should leave and pay what's legally expected of him. I feel sorry for him that he thinks he should stay with someone who doesn't seem to want him when there is someone else out there who clearly does.

Show quote history

Agreed. He was stupid to conceive with OP, but even stupid actions have consequences and now he has responsibilities.

I feel slightly sorry for him, but he's obviously cowardly and has brought a lot of this on himself. 3 years carrying on an affair and still hasn't found the balls to leave his wife.

The OP seems to want some kind of status or Instagram happy families image that she thinks comes with being married with a kid, but doesn't actually indicate that she loves him or even wants to be with him. The only thing she asks is if she should 'confront' him - to what end? To try and make him feel bad for making her look like a fool? Because she is a fool so...