Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

@SunflowerRose1990
You should hope she doesn't get pregnant.
They will most likely have sex again as well.

@SunflowerRose1990 I fully understand your latest post. You both aren’t unhappy and you live in the hope that maybe one day things will get better but I’m sorry to say they won’t.

I don’t mean to sound nasty but he isn’t staying with you because of love, he’s staying because he feels guilty. He doesn’t know how to end it with you, he doesn’t know how he will cope with the fall out and he doesn’t know how to separate finances. It’s all more of a burden to end it than anything else.

He’s apparently split from her 4 times but he’s in love with her. He had sex with her merely days ago. He won’t stop and he won’t cut her out of his life. The only way it will end is when she’s finally had enough of being the other woman.

One day you’re going to wake up and realise you’ve wasted your life. Yes you’ll havw a child and a nice house but you won’t have a happy marriage , you won’t have a true partner and he will resent you.

Please think about the life you want for your child.

He's having his cake and eating it. He gets an OK friendship with you, who seem very tolerant of him. He gets exciting sex when he wants it. He has a nice house. He has friends and family round him. He has a baby on the way.

He's not going to leave. That's too much hassle and expense.

He's also never going to leave her alone.

Very good point!

Do you think he has been stringing her along? Saying he's going to leave you but never intended to, saying what she wants to hear to keep her hanging on?
3 years is a long time for her to be hanging on unless she genuinely believed he would leave you and he kept saying he would.
Has he told you he loves her or are you just reading the bait? or has he said that he doesn't love you?
Perhaps she's just his bit on the side and he wants his cake and eat it.

I found this message on his phone that he’d sent her and forwarded to myself for when I confronted him.

I'm not done, I'm not done at all, I was just upset and felt like you didn't love me 🥺. I honestly think about you every second I'm awake and every second I'm asleep. You are that person that I'm meant to be with me. You are the one. I want you to be the one. I love you so much I honestly can't put it into words. Like it would kill me losing you 🥺. I have never felt like this in my life. You mean everything to me. I'm sat here and you are all I can think about. I hope we can sort this out baby 🥺, really do. X

When I asked him about it he said he didn’t remember it (sent it 2022 or 2023) and didn’t know what to say. I read that message and i just didn’t recognise it as him. I’ve just never seen this side to him but when he said it was over when I confronted him I believed him that it was over.

Why do you torture yourself like this? Honestly. None of you seem invested in each other anyway.

He needs to find his backbone, and you need to dig out your self-respect. You seem to think you won somehow because he's married to you. It doesn't matter when he's writing that to her and sleeping with her.

I think you have to be honest and accept that he has needs and a sexless marriage isn't working for him so either you have an open relationship or you find someone else who either you want a sexual relationship with or is happy with a sexless marriage.
I agree he's treated you appallingly and you deserve better but if I didn't have sex with my husband for 3 years I'd expect my marriage to be over because he likes sex and couldn't live happily without it.

Sorry to call this out but how do you not even know which year it was if you forwarded it to yourself?
I was sympathetic at first but I’m starting to doubt if this story is even true.

But you don't love him do you.

You seem to be avoiding this question.

Same.

I mean, there were so many messages between them and I just copied them onto my notes without the dates because the date was immaterial. I couldn’t let him see that I’d been forwarding the messages to myself before I had the opportunity to speak to him so I had to put them in the notes.

I do love him but I don’t love him in the way that they talk about loving each other. But I’m not sure that their love is the love that survives the things our relationship has so far.

Again i’m not trying to be nasty but realistically your relationship hasn’t survived. You have been intimate once in years which has resulted in pregnancy. You sound more like roommates/ friends than a couple. He is in love with someone else and is desperate to be with them. This affair has lasted years, it’s now long term.

Be honest with yourself, you’re not in love with him. This is now just a marriage of convenience and he’s afraid of leaving you as you’ve stated about your poor mental health and now you’re pregnant . He knows he’ll look terrible if he ends it but you’re both not into it anymore. You’re hanging onto this relationship for the sake of a house and some of the mutual friends.

He’s not going to end it with her so either you end the marriage or you accept that this is your life now. You end it and be amazing co parents who still share a friendship group or you have a sexless marriage knowing that your husband is pinning for someone else.

Sadly you’re the one whose dragging it out. You’re never going to get that spark back now, it’s not ever going to be like it was when you first got together.

@SunflowerRose1990 Can you tell us a little bit about what you like about your relationship? Aside from the security of having a house, friendship group etc. Do you do things together that make you both happy? It might help us to understand why you’re willing to put up with this if you can tell us what about the relationship does make you happy.

OP you sound more and more pathetic with each post. No sane woman would put up with this crap.

Admit the real reason why you are looking for attention and sympathy. My gut feeling is a cheating husband isn’t it

I like that we have known each other since being young and experienced a lot of milestones together, trips away etc. But the sad reality is that no we don’t really do anything together that doesn’t involve his parents or siblings. We lead quite separate lives. But I know that I don’t hate living with him or sitting and having dinner with him. I don’t hate going to family occasions with him. Like I’ve said before, life just felt ok and before the affair he seemed content with that too. And I know people are right that I should want better but starting again is scary.

You say before the affair things seemed ok but the affair has been 3/4 of your marriage.
You need to get some counselling to get over the miscarriage because that's when you stopped having sex and drifted apart.
Your marriage is over but your life isn't.

OP you don’t have a marriage. You’re house mates nothing more. Not hating living with him is nowhere near a good enough reason to stay with a man who loves another woman , has sex with her and not you and is only sticking around for now because of guilt over your pregnancy. Sleeping with you once in 3 years under duress purely to be a sperm donor and probably never touching you again - how on earth can that be better than being single? Does it not repulse you when he comes home smelling of her? Or do you just not care enough anymore?

You don't "hate"?!! 😮 Please listen to me. You are not living you are existing. You are ticking boxes that society says you should. You are married, tick. You have a house, tick. You have dinner together, tick. You socialise, tick. In your last thread you said "all my friends were having babies " so you got pregnant, tick. Tick, tick tick. But you must see that this is a poor excuse for a life. You get ONE just one. You get ten years in your 30s. It goes bloody fast. When are you going to start actually LIVING ? Enjoying yourself? And sharing the joy of living with a partner who wants to share that joy with you ? HE wants to live, and that's what the OW has brought him, a life. If you deny him that life he will end up resenting you and if he never finds the courage to leave, you will be sharing just a miserable existence.

It was unfair to bring a child into this existence. Please don't compound the mistake by allowing them to grow up thinking that this is how you are supposed to live. We have one life, but worse is that we have one short childhood, and whether we intend it or not our children learn from us and our choices. Most parents' greatest wish would be that their child be happy and fulfilled, but unless both parents can show that they themselves are, there is little chance that their kids will be.

For all your sakes, please one of you become a responsible, level headed adult, pull your heads out of the sand, turn off the denial, end the marriage and finally start living life so that you can all find happiness.

Okay that’s interesting, I’d be keen to know how you copy someone’s messages into your notes without forwarding them to yourself?

as I’d quite like to be able to do this

I forwarded the messages to myself from his phone on WhatsApp. I copied them from our WhatsApp chat onto my notes app. Then I went back and deleted the thread of those messages between him and I so he was unaware.

You’re right, I know you’re right.

Well, more fool you if you're prepared to put up with that 🤷‍♀️ where's your pride and self respect? For goodness sake, kick him out - he obviously wants to be with OW and will very probably end up leaving you for her anyway.