Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

He cares a lot about what his parents think and I am close to them too. I’d like to think they would have told him to do what was right rather than cover for him 🥺

They will have his back whatever he chooses. Don't think that because you are 'close' to them, they wouldn't welcome this new woman if you and he split.

@SunflowerRose1990 Is this true?

I genuinely have no idea what this person is talking about starting a thread months ago…I screenshot the threads I’d started to show there was only 2 and the first I posted at the end of March but you can’t add a picture. That person is mistaken.

Really not

I really didn’t. I only set this account up about 3/4 weeks ago.

Last year? Really sorry but definitely not me. I have started two threads and that is it. Really hope you find the other thread because that definitely wasn’t written by me. I may have made some questionable decisions for sure but the suggestion that I would post a thread last year and then subsequent threads knowing I was lying and wasting peoples time is a bit rude.

"Anyway, I’ve just turned 34 and I’m looking around seeing everyone around me is pregnant or has a baby so I told him I wanted to try for a baby. He didn’t seem super excited about it but I assumed this was because he was signed off work with stress."

" He’s signed off work again for the same reasons and I noticed his mood seemed really low and I’d heard him crying at night."

"He says he felt he had to sleep with me"

All taken from your other thread. You're in a loveless, sexless marriage and pressurised your husband (who has ongoing MH issues) to fulfil your fomo for a child. I never thought I would say this, but the OW is almost irrelevant in this scenario.

Well, I don't think you are lying TO waste peoples time @SunflowerRose1990 I think you are in deep denial about the reality of your situation. I think you are desperate for everything to be ok and that desperation can make someone do the strangest things.
I think you have manipulated your dh out of fear of him leaving, I wonder if you are content with your relationship and struggling to understand why he wants more of a connection with someone?
I say be honest because I think posters who are taking the time to help and advise you should know the full picture.
Again, I did not suggest you had lied to waste other posters time. The crux of it is, YOU deserve happiness, your dh deserves happiness and your precious baby deserves to grow up in a home that isn't this dysfunctional.
You could be amazing co parents and still maintain a positive relationship with his family, obviously not as involved as you are now but still good.
You need to let him go.

OP have some more self worth.

OP your husband sounds deeply unhappy. Just end this relationship and keep a good relationship with his family and competent as best you can. This relationship is dead in the water.

I feel the reason you don't want to separate is because it's inconvenient.
You dont seem to be hurt or even upset that he is in love with someone else.
Realistically, you could be perfectly good friends after separation, still see friends & family.
This cannot be fixed. living in a loveless home. For life, is a real waste.
There is someone out there who will make you happy.
Your scorched earth existence is bleak.

You are destined to a life time of unhappiness, get out now!

There's a lot more going on here than just an unfaithful husband. I pity any child in this shit show. Tragic.

Agreed. Clearly the child was supposed to "fix" the relationship. Since it hasn't barely any mention of the baby. OP what ever fantasy you had about a baby the reality is any problems you have will be worse under the stress of a baby. You don't seem to have the mindset to raise a child alone which is what you will have to do unless the father and his gf take and raise the baby. Which honestly might be better.

I have never posted on here before March. Like I said, I may have made some questionable decisions when it comes to things in my marriage but I am not a liar and I have never posted on here until the end of March. I have attached the confirmation email I received when I joined Mumsnet in the hope that this will stop people having accused me of posting about this last year.

OP, please ignore the troll hunters. Whether you've posted or not is irrelevant anyway. This has clearly been a horrible time for you, I certainly wouldn't choose to stay in your circumstances for many of the reasons stated here; disrespect, modelling relationships for your kids, sexual health, mental health, etc. But I know people who've put up and shut up because they thought maintaining the status quo was the most important thing. Invariably it didn't work out that way though. They were left when they had fewer options.

You think that his family will put him in his place, maybe, but they'll do that after he's moved someone else in. They won't have your back. They really won't.

No, what you have doesn't really count when he's telling someone else they are the love of his life. It's just easier. I don't say that to be unkind, but it is because it is the reality you face. Sorry