Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

It seems like he’s drawing a line in their relationship and I’m just not sure whether I should rock the boat and confront him again.

Drawing a line after he's just slept with her? No OP, he loves her and will not cut contact whatever he says.

You say you don't want to rock the boat, sorry to be harsh but your ship sunk a long time ago.

Seriously OP with kindness, are you on glue?

He slept with the woman he's been having an ongoing affair with as recently as Saturday, and you don't want to rock the boat?

You added a child to a realtionship that was already floundering and it never recovered. The boat has been sinking for years, and you can either cling to it and see what happens (spoiler, he's going to leave you for her), or get off.

You don't have to live like this OP, be kind to yourself, and your child, this is not a healthy environment to bring up your little one.

You took the words straight out of my mouth

It sounds like the love of his life won’t commit to a relationship with him so he returns to you. You will never be number one in his life OP. When this affair ends he’ll be on the lookout for another. He doesn’t love you. I’m sorry but it’s as simple as that.

OP why do you want to be with someone who sees you as a stop gap? Let him go and get on with the rest of your life without him. You’ll be much happier without this millstone around your neck 🌹

You've had a period of sex once in three years. That isn't a relationship. That is absolutely miserable. I don't know what he was playing at agreeing to conceive a baby. What a shit show to bring a child into.

It isn’t that I don’t understand or even agree with what everyone is saying. It’s just that we’ve been together for 12 years and my group of people are his group of people. Apart from my mum, I socialise only with his family. Most of the friends I had were wives and girlfriends of his friends. It sounds so pathetic but I guess we are just so routed in a routine now that I’m afraid of what life looks like out of that. I know that he loves her and of course it hurts me to hear the way he talks to her but they have never had a relationship out in the open facing life, maybe if he sticks to it this time, we can move on and be the best parents to our baby. I know people might say that is delusional but a future alone is a scary prospect.

Do you not see that your fears are the same fears he has, and that is the reason why he hasn't left you? It has nothing to do with him loving you and wanting to be with you, he just doesn't have the guts to make that move because of the changes it will mean to his life. That is why he will continue this affair, or start another, because it is his way of getting what he is missing.

But he's not sticking to it is he, he's too busy sticking his dick in her!

This is probably the saddest thread I've read on here. You are worth so much more. Be brave and start a new life with your baby. You will make new friends through baby groups and meet someone else worthy of you. Don't be 2nd best and be with someone who doesnt love you how you deserve to be loved. He has zero respect for you OR YOUR BABY. Set your bar higher as you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak. If it isnt her he ends up with he'll find someone else to shag

Why are you letting him get away with such despicable behaviour??

I'm getting a "I don't want him but don't want her to her to have him either vibe.
Is it that you know he'll be happy with her and he isn't happy with you and you don't want to see him happy in a way he couldn't be with you.
This is a love triangle like Charles, Diana and Camilla.

" I know that he loves her and of course it hurts me to hear the way he talks to her but they have never had a relationship out in the open facing life, maybe if he sticks to it this time, we can move on and be the best parents to our baby."

You're willing to bet your future and your child's on MAYBE? He actually sounds like not a bad person (apart from the affair) but perhaps he agreed to have a child out of guilt.

Getting an amicable divorce doesn't mean having to give up your relationship with his family. Sometimes marriages fail, even between good people.

Sadly OP I imagine most of his friends and family are already aware of her and the situation and are already mentally prepared for your inevitable split even if you’re not.

Hes not going to change and fall back in love with you. You can’t move on and pretend this long term relationship hasn’t happened. Is your self worth really so low that you are willing to live the rest of your life never sleeping with your husband again and knowing he’s in love with another woman.

You still have more than half you life left. Do you really want it to be like this ? And think of the poor innocent child you’re bringing into a house full of resentment. Do you really want your child growing up thinking this is normal? Please think of you and your baby. This is such an unhealthy dynamic it’s going to destroy you all

You’ve been together for 12 years and didn’t sleep together for 3 of them!! That is extremely odd for a couple in their 30s with no children.

He’s probably one of the few men when he tells his mistress ‘we never sleep together, we’re more like housemates’ he’s actually telling the truth.

The cloudy day analogy is the saddest thing I have ever heard. Why would you want to continue marriage with a man that thinks you and your future child are a cloud?

Bizarrely, I feel just as sorry for him as I do for you. Shame you didn’t check these messages before falling pregnant. Were it not for the baby you could make a clean, amicable break. You’re both young enough to start again.

I hear you OP. It is a scary thought to give up everything you know. I’ve been in a very similar position. My dc were older. I thought I could remain living with him and lead a normal life with him “For the sake of the children”.

Then I woke up and gained some self respect. I moved out with my D.C. They settled quickly into new schools and made new friendships. I wish I’d done it sooner, when my youngest was a baby. I could have made new friends via baby groups. I have, since, formed new friendships within my area. I still see my sil often. I found my life partner. We married two years ago. My DC still have a strong bond with their paternal GP’s and see them often.

I felt so much better once I made the decision to leave. And so will you.

You sound absolutely defeated and miserable with this man. There are plenty of better men, who will sincerely love you out there. You don’t need this selfish excuse of a husband and father.

Get yourself together and make a plan either to leave or pack his bags and show him the door.

There’s a baby involved in this. You need to start thinking a lot more independently about how you are going to support yourself, you need to be extending your circle beyond his family and building a life rather than moping around after him. Start doing this now. I don’t really know what else to say to you tbh

This OP. Think about what you want to teach your DC. Not this. It's not worth it. Someday you will find someone who loves you in that way. But first you have to love yourself.

You have 2 choices.

1. Stay with him and accept he is yearning for someone else. He may or may not end it. You will still have your ‘family’
2. Leave and learn to love yourself more.

Number two will be the hardest initially.
Number one may feel like the safest option.

How do you feel now? How does knowing he has been having continued sexual contact with a woman for most of your married life?
If you say it feels shit then please know that it will not improve if you stay with him. The feeling of being unworthy and unloved will grow and you will become more consumed by it.
You will never be able to seriously trust him. The ongoing issues you are experiencing will have an insidious effect on your health and wellbeing the longer you stay with him.
What does your mum think? She knows you best.

OP, he is going to leave you for her. If not now, then in 2 years, or 5 years, or 10 years.

You will then lose all the things you’re worried about losing, but it will all be on his terms, without any opportunity for you to plan or prepare.

Take back control of your life and make the plans yourself, for you and your baby. You’re going to be a single mother anyway - do it on your terms, not his.

Since you are denying your reality OP I guess the way forward is to wait until he leaves you. Because sooner or later he will. For her or for someone else. You, as a couple, do NOT have a future.

Your child will grow up watching this. They will grow up thinking that this is what a relationship looks like. Then they will go on to have a miserable marriage like yours where they accept being treated like dirt because that is what you have modelled for them as normal. The only thing keeping you there is fear. Be brave, for yourself and for the child you have created.

I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby.

She probably believed him when he said he didn't love you and you weren't having sex and then you got pregnant and she thought he'd been lying to her all along.
He said he felt he had to sleep with you" well if she thought she was the only one sleeping with him through their entire 3 years together then she probably felt a bit miffed and dumped him.

Yes.
I would add, no man alive is worth going through this utterly crazy situation.
Sorry.

OP you don’t need to explain or defend yourself. You came here for support not judgement. You’ve done nothing wrong except be on the receiving end of a cheats behaviour. Relationships are complex. Hope the posters saying negative things about you are ashamed of themselves passing judgment. The poster who said ‘are you on glue?’ Needs to go and have a long hard look at themselves, or find something better to do. So many ‘perfect’ women on here who ‘wouldn’t stand for this’ the judgment is awful.

This is an awful awful situation but you must put yourself first and I think
you do need to face the reality of this. You will be much better without him.