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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can’t he leave her alone?

319 replies

SunflowerRose1990 · 06/04/2024 11:23

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 10/04/2024 15:00

OP, difficult as it is to initiate a split, all you are doing is kicking the can down the road.

You are in your 30s, the prime of your life. It will be so much harder to leave in 20 or 30 years time but one way or another this marriage will end. Why not grasp hold of your dignity and self respect and get the ball rolling before he does it for you.

Hiddenvoice · 10/04/2024 15:04

I’ve been cheated on and I know it’s easy for people to say leave but when it’s your real life situation it’s not so easy. Your whole life has been created with him so it’s understandable that you’re afraid of what life will look without him.

I say this gently, he doesn’t love you. You would be better co parenting and showing your child love without being married. He’s not ever going to cut this woman out of his life. When your child is born, he’s going to withdraw even more. Having a newborn is tough and it puts strain on even the strongest of relationships. You will also never trust him. You’ll never feel properly loved as you deserve.

You can make new friends, you can grow your circle again. Right now put yourself first and leave him.

Original poster
SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 15:05

I read this message chain between them when he told her he had buried his head in the sand because he was worried about losing her, losing his marriage and losing the dog. I thought that he meant he was worried about losing me but now I’m wondering if by marriage he just meant the house, the routine etc

OP posts:
Jf20 · 10/04/2024 15:06

op can I ask gently, can you afford to leave ? Are you financially independent?

Kellogg1 · 10/04/2024 15:09

Youve done nothing wrong but I am struggling to show support for you in your posting.
He betrays you and humiliates you every time he messages somebody else (never mind everything on top of that) and yet you still allow the behaviour because you’re scared to be alone.
I get it, it’s scary and I’ve been there myself but your relationship sounds like you’re at a point where there is no recovery and you have to let go. He’s not going to change even if he never leaves you. It’s a sad life.

How do you even look at him knowing he is sleeping with somebody else.

Original poster
SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 15:09

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 15:06

op can I ask gently, can you afford to leave ? Are you financially independent?

Not really, all the money is tied in the house. Our mortgage is anout £1000 a month so we’re pretty stretched.

OP posts:
Jf20 · 10/04/2024 15:12

SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 15:09

Not really, all the money is tied in the house. Our mortgage is anout £1000 a month so we’re pretty stretched.

Show quote history

Do you work I mean, can you afford to go it alone?

HollyKnight · 10/04/2024 15:12

I'm telling you, OP (sadly, I know many men who have had affairs) it is never about the fear of losing their wife. It's about the fallout. It's about all the things that would have to change. It's about what other people will think about them. It's always about them.

If they could wave a magic wand and keep their life, but swap out the wife for a new woman, they would.

cerisepanther73 · 10/04/2024 15:12

You can't seriously expect a heterosexual relationship to survive on celibacy terms surely for that time,

Its time to move on

there were obviously glaring issues problems in your relationship before she turned on the scene..

It hasn't been a proper relationship for some time,

So not a great difference really between this set up and living separately and co parenting in different kind of set up...

You only get one life,

Learn from this heart break 💔 situation even seek good therepy for yourself whatever that maybe to address issues why you are being like this too.

Axx · 10/04/2024 15:13

He fucked someone else and you don't want to rock the boat?

Wake up. You are worth so much more.

OhGoodItsRainingAgain · 10/04/2024 15:21

Your situation is awful and heartbreaking and hard. But you ask us in your OP "Can you recover from an affair like this?" The answer is, no you can't. Ever. Please don't settle for this nightmare. It will not get better, it will definitely get worse. He is going to leave you for her sooner or later. Rip off the plaster and rebuild your life without this horrible man.

BMW6 · 10/04/2024 16:00

SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 15:05

I read this message chain between them when he told her he had buried his head in the sand because he was worried about losing her, losing his marriage and losing the dog. I thought that he meant he was worried about losing me but now I’m wondering if by marriage he just meant the house, the routine etc

Yes. He won't miss YOU just as you wouldn't miss HIM!

You've said yourself you are hanging onto this marriage out of fear of the new and mutual family and friends! You don't mention Love for him at all.

You need to face the truth - for your child's sake and for both of you as parents. Your marriage is stone cold dead. Has been for years. You shagged the corpse once to get pregnant, but it's still a Corpse.

You can separate, divorce, but still be great parents and remain friends with your current groups IF you both remain civil and co-operative.

You both deserve Happiness and a chance of fulfilling relationships in the future WITH OTHER PARTNERS.

Staying in this dead marriage will not give you any happiness. Ever.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 10/04/2024 16:18

This is truly horrendous. I cannot believe you would stay…

rainraingoaway6 · 10/04/2024 16:23

He hasn't chosen you, he's been dumped and if she changes her mind and clicks her fingers which direction do you think he'll go in?

Original poster
SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 16:26

rainraingoaway6 · 10/04/2024 16:23

He hasn't chosen you, he's been dumped and if she changes her mind and clicks her fingers which direction do you think he'll go in?

She hasn’t ended it, he did although he has still been messaging her and looking at her Instagram. He deleted Instagram this weekend after he went to her house. I guessing he’s trying to get rid of the temptation to look at her.

OP posts:
K0OLA1D · 10/04/2024 16:27

SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 16:26

She hasn’t ended it, he did although he has still been messaging her and looking at her Instagram. He deleted Instagram this weekend after he went to her house. I guessing he’s trying to get rid of the temptation to look at her.

Show quote history

You need to get rid of him

KomodoOhno · 10/04/2024 16:37

SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 16:26

She hasn’t ended it, he did although he has still been messaging her and looking at her Instagram. He deleted Instagram this weekend after he went to her house. I guessing he’s trying to get rid of the temptation to look at her.

Show quote history

To be blunt he's having sex with her willing and not with you. That says everything. A forced awkard shag to have a baby versus romance and desire he has for her. Stop focusing on him and focus on your baby and being a single mom. You won't leave him but he will leave you. When you think about it he already has.

OhGoodItsRainingAgain · 10/04/2024 16:37

You really are fooling yourself. I feel bad for you but nobody can help you if you're determined to be so blind to the truth.

dolphinette · 10/04/2024 16:38

He's been having an affair AND hasn't slept with you for 3 years? This relationship has been dead for ages OP, I'm sorry. Go your separate ways.

Lillers · 10/04/2024 16:38

I posted earlier saying he is going to leave you, so you need to leave first so it’s on your terms.

If you really, REALLY don’t want to face the truth, then please at the very least start preparing a contingency fund to support you if and when he does leave. Set up a separate savings account, do some research on solicitors in your area, tell someone you trust so they can be a point of contact immediately if you need support quickly. Start building up a social circle that isn’t linked to him (being a new mum will be a great way to get some new contacts). Prepare so that if he does leave later down the line, or you realise you don’t want this, then you’re not stepping out into the dark.

Gettingonmygoat · 10/04/2024 16:52

Really OP you need to wake up. You are choosing to bring a child into this farce of a relationship. Your Husband does not love you, he doesn't want to be with you and having a child won't change that in fact it will make things a thousand times worse.
I think yo really need to have a long hard look at yourself and why you are willing to waste your life with a man that is in love with another woman.
You don't make him happy and he doesn't make you happy and the pair of you living together won't make this poor child happy so do something about it.

SlashBeef · 10/04/2024 16:59

Are you OK in yourself OP? You just seem really unbothered. This is really upsetting to read. You're being treated like crap and you seem to have empathy with him. Please look after yourself. I'm angry to think someone is treating you like literal garbage. The tone I'm getting is that you feel you deserve this?

Chellybelle · 10/04/2024 17:04

She'll get pregnant sooner or later. Then what will you do?

fc123 · 10/04/2024 17:13

SlashBeef · 10/04/2024 16:59

Are you OK in yourself OP? You just seem really unbothered. This is really upsetting to read. You're being treated like crap and you seem to have empathy with him. Please look after yourself. I'm angry to think someone is treating you like literal garbage. The tone I'm getting is that you feel you deserve this?

@SunflowerRose1990
I've been where you are and I feel you are 'frozen in fear'.
Without going into details I was 36 years married and another intense affair by him was going on. It wasn't the first.
The first was 4 years in just because he liked to have an 'escape into fantasy' sometimes.
However, this time the OW wanted husband no 4 and was going all out for it.

My reaction during this 18 months? Asking him repeatedly ( and being told don't be stupid) and I just shut down all my emotions to the point I couldn't feel anything at all.

I got the proof in the end, I ended the marriage ( he said it was all a mistake of course so a different dynamic to your situation plus we still had sex) but I went straight into therapy.
And then I understood what my brain had done to protect me from the pain.

I read your posts and I feel your pain that's buried deep down but I'd really recommend finding a good therapist .

My suppressed emotions came out in my body instead ( itching skin, no appetite etc) and I've since had somatic therapy which has changed my life.

I have a horrible feeling that he leaves his phone about ( and unlocked or a PW you know) so you see the messages. So he's trying to get to get YOU to make the decisions he should be making or the ones you discuss as a couple.
Most cheaters guard their phones with their lives and change PW all the time so it cannot be found out.

He's a coward for sure but your emotions are buried deep and I really urge you to seek professional help my vintage forward.

Tbry24 · 10/04/2024 17:14

Not seen any other posts. But you have proof your husband has just sleep with someone else and is in love with that person. You no longer have a husband or a marriage regardless of if you are pregnant or have 1,2 or 3 children. He loves her after a 3year sexless marriage with you.

You need a divorce and to focus on you and your child and to move on.