Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can’t he leave her alone?

319 replies

SunflowerRose1990 · 06/04/2024 11:23

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 10/04/2024 17:19

A sexless relationship is fine if both people are happy with it, he obviously isn't happy with it.

fc123 · 10/04/2024 17:20

Tbry24 · 10/04/2024 17:14

Not seen any other posts. But you have proof your husband has just sleep with someone else and is in love with that person. You no longer have a husband or a marriage regardless of if you are pregnant or have 1,2 or 3 children. He loves her after a 3year sexless marriage with you.

You need a divorce and to focus on you and your child and to move on.

OP's logical mind knows all this.
She doesn't need endless posts stating the obvious.
She's frozen in fear and pregnant.

OP needs help with a good therapist as she and her husband have been brought up to do 'The Right Thing' .

Dismantling 12 years together is hard as every part of their lives is entwined.
But this situation will crush her spirit ( if it already hasn't) and her zest for life in the end despite the longed for baby arriving.

She could talk to his mother but she may say 'oh men do these things!' . She has nowhere to turn

ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 10/04/2024 17:24

SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 16:26

She hasn’t ended it, he did although he has still been messaging her and looking at her Instagram. He deleted Instagram this weekend after he went to her house. I guessing he’s trying to get rid of the temptation to look at her.

Show quote history

The temptation of looking at her?
He SLEPT with her Saturday night. He’s probably deleting instagram etc in the hope that she starts chasing him instead to give his ego another boost.
If you stay with this man you will waste your life. Even if he has ended it with her, he will find someone else because you are passively giving him the green light to do so.
You deserve so much better than this man.

MouseMama · 10/04/2024 18:04

Don’t be his cloudy day for the rest of your life. Set him free and set yourself free. Being single might be scary prospect but honestly being elderly and looking back knowing you wasted your life on a man who didn’t love you…. fking terrifying.

JTRSOP · 10/04/2024 18:05

Don’t bring a child up in this sham of a relationship. They will think this is normal - it’s far beyond normal. Think of the image your child will have of relationships. Would you want this for your child?

Capmagturk · 10/04/2024 18:08

Why would you want to be with someone you have barely slept with in years when you are so young and it was awkward when you did and who loves someone else. It was daft to conceive when you hadn't even slept together in three years. You'd of been better evaluating your relationship. This isn't a good or normal relationship.

StarDolphins · 10/04/2024 18:13

He hasn’t chosen to commit to your life together though. He’s chosen to do ‘do the right thing’ and commit to his child. He wants the other woman.

Please be strong, find your self respect. You can do better than this situation and it will only get worse.

Ilovebooks1932 · 10/04/2024 18:17

I actually think you won’t leave him whatever he does because you can’t imagine not being with him and have become so attached that you can’t break that cord. I really hope I’m wrong - I’m just going off the posts you have written.

I don’t think anyone can tell you can do better or get more self esteem because it’s something that comes from within yourself. Probably the moment you stop putting him on a pedestal because that’s what you’re doing - you have placed him above yourself. And no one can break it down apart from you.

Emptyheadlock · 10/04/2024 18:21

You shouldn't even be a choice. Let alone the second choice.

Get some therapy and work on your self esteem.

He loves her, not you.

I know it's really really hard but there's a better life than this.

Iaskedyouthrice · 10/04/2024 18:27

I feel sorry for you both. Agree with others though, he loves her, she loves him and it's very likely they will end up together. The mistake he made was agreeing to have a baby with you.
For those blasting him, the man has been in a sexless marriage for 3 years and his wife is in total denial about the state of their relationship. Do you think the OP would be easy to separate from? I don't.
You need to find your self respect OP. I couldn't bear to think of the OW pitying me.

Catopia · 10/04/2024 18:34

OP, this is such a sad situation and I'm so sorry.

However, realistically, I struggle to see that you could get to a place where you are living together romantically, and it doesn't really sound like that's been the case for a while. You would have a mountain to climb for things to go back to anything like how they were when you first got married, and even if it's over with this woman, are you ever going to be able to trust him - with her, or with other women - or is this cycle of checking his phone going to continue forever?

Either you are:

(a) Living together platonically and co-parenting the baby in the same household - in which case you need to have clear and agreed boundaries about whether each of you can see other people

(b) You go your separate ways, and co-parent from separate households.

You have to talk to each other about it, and decide which arrangement will actually allow you to (a) be the best parents you can be and (b) actually be happy, because the current arrangement doesn't sound like either of you are very happy right now.

I do think regardless of where each of you are at, some couples therapy would be useful. It appears that there was a breakdown in intimacy after the MC, and that neither of you felt able to really talk to the other about it, and as a result he started this affair. Whatever decision you both ultimately come to about your living arrangements or relationship, having someone there to help you to reopen those lines of communication and have an open and respectful discussion about where you go from here could be really valuable for ensuring a positive and healthy coparenting relationship in the future.

Dinodrivingacar · 10/04/2024 18:35

Honestly this is one of the saddest things I've ever read. Do rock the boat, throw him out!! You deserve so much more than this!! He will do it again and it will ruin you going through it all. Honestly in a years time you'll look back and be so glad you chose a better life for you and your baby!! Please try and be strong, for your own sanity!!!

Nicole1111 · 10/04/2024 18:43

Is this the life you really want for yourself? Constantly worrying about an insecure marriage, feeling second best, checking up on a lying husband. Surely even with the change to routine, having to make new friends and the potential financial challenges you can envisage a better life than this?

Original poster
SunflowerRose1990 · 10/04/2024 18:45

I totally understand what everyone is saying. I guess I kind of agreed with what he said about our relationship being like a cloudy day. We just kind of bumble along. I’m not delusional about the relationship, I know it’s not what people dream of but it has been ok. I suppose that’s why I didn’t notice that he had been having an affair for so long because we do kind of do our own thing really. I know that he felt he wanted to and could leave me in 2022 because he wanted to be with her and change his job but he didn’t go through with it because I wasn’t doing well with my anxiety. But I also know that he kept saying to her that he didn’t know how to do it. So although he has been in this relationship with her so long he’s never been able to pull the trigger because like he said, everything is just ok, it’s not awful. If he’s pulling away from her now maybe it is final but then they’ve ’split up’ at least 4 times that I know of and just ended up back in contact with each other. The truth of it is that I’m scared to start again and currently we have a nice house and a baby on the way and mostly it just feels like the lesser of two evils. I know people won’t understand that.

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 10/04/2024 18:52

Bumblebeestiltskin · 10/04/2024 17:19

A sexless relationship is fine if both people are happy with it, he obviously isn't happy with it.

Fair enough but you don't agree to try for a baby in that case!

SOxon · 10/04/2024 18:53

OP you are wasting everybody’s time including your own

Jk8 · 10/04/2024 18:53

It sounds like he met her around the time (or the first year) he married you yeah.?

Its Unfortunate that things played out the way they did & id imagine the miscarriage-no sex overlapping with an affair is probably what enabled him to stay in the relationship with you as long as he has rather then walk away & he probably does wish he'd met her sooner & is now stuck.

Do you want a relationship with him though?

Dinodrivingacar · 10/04/2024 18:53

I know you feel like people won't understand, but I and lots of other woman have been in very similar situations, and we are speaking from a whole lot of experience and heartbreak. I wish I'd known and left when I did. I'm 4 years down the line and everything is fine.... But I want and deserve better than fine. And so do you!!! I know it is so so hard ... And I failed at it!!! And I wasn't pregnant at the time so I get that that adds an extra element of wanting to make it work, but it won't. There relationship isn't Romeo and Juliet, it will be normal once the reality sets in.... Mine left for 10 days before begging to come back. And I let him, and they remained together for another year at least, on and off. It totally broke me and I wish to everything I'd had the strength to leave when I found out about it. I've been through 4 years of hell, and I really hope you don't have to. Because there really is only one outcome. Your marriage is over and it can either be you calling the shots and maintaining your self esteem and dignity.... Or waiting until he does.

Jk8 · 10/04/2024 19:02

Jk8 · 10/04/2024 18:53

It sounds like he met her around the time (or the first year) he married you yeah.?

Its Unfortunate that things played out the way they did & id imagine the miscarriage-no sex overlapping with an affair is probably what enabled him to stay in the relationship with you as long as he has rather then walk away & he probably does wish he'd met her sooner & is now stuck.

Do you want a relationship with him though?

*also to add - dont discount the people who may very well opt to stay with you post split. nobody makes it out of a divorce (especially with kids/affairs) spotless & that goes for husbands!

you need to lean on whoever you want to support you (especially if they are automatically going to offer to help anyway)
if youve been together 12 years these are very much your family & friends aswell

HollyKnight · 10/04/2024 19:02

If you're not going to leave him, then your only option is to accept his affair and live with the constant fear that he will leave you. You don't get to keep your life as it is and have a faithful husband. It's one or the other.

Bear in mind that having a baby/young children is one of the most difficult challenges for a relationship. That is when small cracks become chasms. Your relationship already has a canyon running through it.

PennyPickles60 · 10/04/2024 19:14

What do you want from this thread OP?
If you’re hoping for other posters experiences of taking their dh back after a three year affair and living happy after after you are going to be disappointed.

He didn’t have an affair because he loves you. He hasn’t left you because

  1. She doesn’t want to commit to him
  2. She wants a good time when it’s convenient for her
  3. She doesn’t want to wash his stinking pants and cook and clean for him.
  4. You are providing him with home comforts.
  5. There is no intimate (or any) affection in the marriage. He sees you as being ok with that - because it suits him.
  6. He doesn’t want a wife. He wants a mother - and you’re happy to take on that role.

You know what you have to do. It’s up to you whether you choose to dump him and live a happy life or to carry on as you are, not trusting him, always wondering where he is, who he’s with and what he’s doing, sneaking around to get your hands on his phone. Your choices are independence and a chance of a happy life or a miserable, lonely existence with a man who doesn’t love you and will up and leave you when the time is right - for him. Whether it’s with his latest shag or the next one.

BMW6 · 10/04/2024 19:16

The truth of it is that I’m scared to start again and currently we have a nice house and a baby on the way and mostly it just feels like the lesser of two evils. I know people won’t understand that.

But you don't love your husband, do you.
You love your home, your joint families/friends, lifestyle.

But not him.

Toomuchgoingon79 · 10/04/2024 19:42

OP do you actually love him? Or do you love the idea of a husband, the house, the baby and friendships? Because he certainly doesn't love you it's fair to say.

Sugargliderwombat · 10/04/2024 19:45

OP I've got to say you don't actually sound that upset! More like you're worried you'll lose other things, but not actually upset about him sleeping with someone else. You will meet SO MANY people with a baby. You will still be able to stay friends with others. You will still be able to see your in laws with the baby. Your life won't end.

CleanShirt · 10/04/2024 19:49

The truth of it is that I’m scared to start again and currently we have a nice house and a baby on the way and mostly it just feels like the lesser of two evils.

That's really sad. Bricks and mortar don't make for a happy life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread