He took all my washing out the basket and just washed his own.. feeling really annoyed after everything I do for him

[sarahkelly932]

I am really annoyed this morning. I have just moved in with my fiance and we haven't had the most smoothest road to get here but seem to be good at the moment. Anyway, the last few weeks I have been cooking dinners for him, making sure he has lunch, doing the washing etc, hoovering. The washing built up a few days ago and he took the basket away and I felt guilty but I made a joke (we are quite jokey so it was not passive aggressive) and said do my washing bitch :P - and he replied no I am going to take yours out and only do my own and we laughed. I cooked dinner asked him to clean up but he 'forgot' so I just ended up doing it - I left one frying pan for him and asked him to do it and he said he will when he wants too and sat on the sofa so the house was smelling of oil. When I woke up the next morning it was still there, so I just washed it.

Last night he had to fill the water filter up and huffs and sulks because it was sort of empty? I mean just do it stop moaning.

Anyway, I went to get the washing this morning and was folding it all up nicely and started to realise.... it was all HIS washing. He literally took all of my washing out and done his own - I don't know why but I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach - partly because I would never be so selfish to do that and put him before myself sometimes. I have given him endless support with things that I won't go into detail with - I am starting to think he is just a pig... or it was punishment for not doing the washing...

This your laundry, but it will apply over & over.
Small relatively unimportant or thoughtless acts. but relentless.
Knocking your towel on the floor & leaving it
Leaving your car petrol tank empty
Not buying the milk you asked him to buy.
Just not being a loving supportive partner, working together to make your joint lives harmonious, & CARING

Throw him back out pretty damn sharpish. This won’t improve. He is a dick!

Why the bloody hell did you move in with him if it "hasn't been the smoothest road" ? Now you have made a rod for your own back by acting like his Mummy, cooking his dinners, making his lunch, doing his washing. Did you bother having a discussion about splitting the chores 50/50 before you moved in together or did you just decide to be the housekeeper? He has shown you what he is, he will never change.
Next relationship, take your time and don't play the mug.

You forgot to mention your volunteering tbf. You asked for opinions, I gave you mine.

He's trying to tell you how little you're worth. How he's superior to you. All over a seemingly 'petty' thing like laundry, so he can play the victim, or portray you as a nutter when you leave because he didn't do you laundry. He clearly wants a maid. Don't marry him. Realise your worth. First step is getting rid. Have a fresh start without him. You have a new job lined up, from what I can gather, and you'll be turning 30. Don't waste your next decade, or a minute more on this arsehole.

Be honest with yourself, this has quick divorce all over it. Two solutions, leave the twat and def don't marry the twat in the first place. He sees you as his skivvy. This is NOT a normal relationship at all.

In the nicest way possible, stop thinking about the bloody laundry and look at the bigger picture. It sounds awful from your first post, right through the thread.

He is making a passive aggressive statement that your cleaning is not being done quickly enough for his liking and now he will gaslight you and make you doubt yourself until you do things “better” to avoid further conflict. Been there. Pack your things and move in with a friend tomorrow morning. Don’t think about it, just do it.

A pp hit the nail on the head - what he's feeling and demonstrating here is hatred and spite. Why should he do your washing? Who do you think you are expecting him to do it?

Someone that can behave like this now will only get worse. Especially if you want children leave now and don't look back.

My view doesn't matter. The question is whether you want to spend your life with someone who treats you like this and who makes you question yourself on Mumsnet.

This should be the happiest time of your life. Is it?

I would move out, dump him and thank the Lord that I wasn’t saddled for life with a misogynistic prick

Yep, that's a man who will punish you for challenging him or holding him to account. It won't improve. You're not even worth doing laundry for, to him.

He's showing you exactly what he thinks of you. I'd be running, fast.

lol OP someone suggested looking at your previous threads to understand the background. I understand it….in the last month, you’ve had a fiancé and then a husband and then a fiancé again. A few days ago you were 31 and now you’re 29.

🤣 get a griiiiipppp!!!!!! All the pretence on MN is just sad. At least make it funny!

He isn't a partner. He doesn't want a partner. He wants a maid, mum, skivvy that he gets to fuck.

Trust me this is as good as it gets and it will only get worse.

He doesn't value you. He doesn't value your work. He already thinks if your WFH you can do the house work. You need to do it because his work is physical and your on your arse all day.

He's already asserting himself. He'll do what he wants when he wants. He's demonstrating that with the pan behaviour.

The thing is you put him first and he'll put himself first but in the meantime no one is putting you first. Trust me that will grind you down. You deserve to be someone's priority.

Just imagine a possible future here

You're married and for whatever reason you end up too ill to work so you become unemployed..

But you're also too ill to be the housekeeper

He will have to work to support you, and do household chores you're not able to do.

And take care of you

And still make you feel loved an appreciated.

Do you think he's that man? I know my DH is, and has been for me in the past.

People are wasting their time. The op is still worried about the fucking laundry. She is refusing to admit that he is a complete fucking waste of space.

Yep. Rather than accept he’s a fucking prick she wants to understand WHY he’s a fucking prick.

You can lead a horse to water as they say….

It's fucking sad, isn't it. She'll waste fuck knows how many more years with this loser before she finally takes the blinders off. After they drag kids into this disaster, obviously.

I understand you're still in the shock phase here and so can't really understand what people are getting at.

Make a note in your diary every time he does something that has you questioning yourself and his intentions/feelings towards you. Start recognising this isn't a rare issue in an otherwise empowering, nurturing and supportive partnership. This is how he rolls. He loves you and will be loving towards you, but only when you behave as he wishes.

When I moved in with my first husband I thought everything was great. Then we got to valentines day. He had made a nice effort the year before,as had I ,so I thought something similar would happen. We were engaged, getting married that August. He hadn't got even a card. I was surprised and a bit upset. His comment was "But we live together now so why should I bother". Tbh that summed up our 3 years of dating and 7 years ( and 2 children) of marriage. That was all it should have needed but ,fool that I was, I married him. I lived to bitterly regret it. Then he moved on and did horrible things to his second wife. She eventually divorced him and he moved on to a third. He was busy lying, cheating and defrauding her when it all blew up and he committed suicide 2 weeks ago today. I should have called it off that valentines day but I had great hopes. Marriages based on the delusion of one party and the shitty behaviour of the other are not destined to be happy.

My exh used to only used to wash his own clothes when he ever did put a wash on, it's so very considerate, not. I mea it was usually id he really needed a tshirt washing so it wouldnt be a full wash and it would just be his clothes, why not stick a few of the rest of the families in.

Don’t drag it out @sarahkelly932 Just leave this tosser.

This isn't about the washing. I have never done my husband's laundry and vice versa. It's the context.

I would never move in with someone that I had a rocky time with. I feel like if you can’t get along before living together being together all the time would make it worse. Move out to your own place.

This needs to be nipped in the bud and you need to be very clear and very strict and boundaried about fairness or it will continue or get worse. Me and DP have a very equal division of labour now which we don't even think about but it took years of me having to be a bit of a dick and rigid and killjoy, firm and calm but a bit inflexible about total equality. but now it's great. was hard but infinitely worth it.