He took all my washing out the basket and just washed his own.. feeling really annoyed after everything I do for him

[sarahkelly932]

I am really annoyed this morning. I have just moved in with my fiance and we haven't had the most smoothest road to get here but seem to be good at the moment. Anyway, the last few weeks I have been cooking dinners for him, making sure he has lunch, doing the washing etc, hoovering. The washing built up a few days ago and he took the basket away and I felt guilty but I made a joke (we are quite jokey so it was not passive aggressive) and said do my washing bitch :P - and he replied no I am going to take yours out and only do my own and we laughed. I cooked dinner asked him to clean up but he 'forgot' so I just ended up doing it - I left one frying pan for him and asked him to do it and he said he will when he wants too and sat on the sofa so the house was smelling of oil. When I woke up the next morning it was still there, so I just washed it.

Last night he had to fill the water filter up and huffs and sulks because it was sort of empty? I mean just do it stop moaning.

Anyway, I went to get the washing this morning and was folding it all up nicely and started to realise.... it was all HIS washing. He literally took all of my washing out and done his own - I don't know why but I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach - partly because I would never be so selfish to do that and put him before myself sometimes. I have given him endless support with things that I won't go into detail with - I am starting to think he is just a pig... or it was punishment for not doing the washing...

What a dick move.

Run.

I’m sorry to be quite so blunt, but you both sound very young and immature. He was petty for only doing his washing, but perhaps he thought it was a (bad) joke, the same way you joked “do my washing, bitch”?

Stop doing all his chores, and stop treating each other like 12 year old siblings.

I've been married to my wife for over ten years and can't say I've ever been so sad and petty as to remove her washing from the load!!! Surely it took him longer to do that than just bung in what he could. He selfishly was washing all his own stuff first... I've spent my whole relationship trying to put my wife, then children, before me. I don't go without, but I try and meet their needs first if possible as I see it as my role to look after them. My wife is a SAHM and I work full time - we still share the chores 50/50. Child care is hard. I'd imagine your fiance thinks it's a walk in the park. If I were you, I'd have a chat about it... I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks all he has to do is his paid job and your role is everything, literally everything else.

He’s done it because he felt like it. Don’t look for excuses or why or blame yourself. He’s just an arsehole and I’d be gone.

It doesn’t matter if you have a big talk, or what he says or promises, or whether you’re working or not. This is how he wants things to be. He knows you’ll give in and just do it (and I am NOT judging you at all - I completely understand). He is not the person who will have your back and he’ll huff and puff his way through any chore he finally agrees to do. And if you have kids, he will do the bare minimum. If he can’t even step up at the exciting moving-in stage, then this is it.

You sound lovely. I strongly suspect he doesn’t deserve you.

Does it matter WHY? He chose to do it. He then denied it - he knows it was wrong, but didn’t like the challenge. Perhaps you should have quietly accepted you punishment.

Stand up for yourself OP, dick moves NEVER improve.

Stop mulling over this and that. Call off the wedding.

Normal, functioning relationships are not like this. End of story.

The word you're looking for is 'gaslighting'

And to do your new job properly you cannot be doing household stuff too. You'll have time to have a lunchbreak for lunch.

How do you see the future with this prince?

Oh and don’t be fooled by the ‘2 loads argument’. Lights, darks, and delicates, are the only washing categories, never found a load that was his and hers…. and I have done A LOT of washing

If you can't imagine him cooking and cleaning for you, while you occasionally do your own washing, leaving his behind, then you absolutely can be sure that this is deliberate. He has been grooming you into being his domestic appliance.

All the jokes are to keep you content. But he has an agenda.

You're a woman, therefore you exist to wait on him and be grateful that you get to do so.

What is he like when you say no?

What would happen if you were 100% in reverse? He is the skivvy instead?

Do you want to marry a sexist pig?

Just watch how he "pulls his weight" for a week or two then reverts. Just look at the contempt he treats you with. And he will feel like the wronged party.

His work is stressful
His commute is stressful
He is tired
He earns more
He has a tragic back story
You're just better at it
Etc
Etc

Don't fall for it.

Completely this.

This really is nothing to do with the washing

Are you ignoring everyone commenting on your previous posts? Why? Has anything changed there?

Why are you putting up with him?

He's done it because he wants you in your place

Are you prepared to stay there?

Have an exit plan. Start job, save money, don't make long-term financial or holiday commitments, finish relationship when ready. Move on!

He's done you a favour really being so obvious.

So he's denied it and constructed a narrative that makes it look like a simple coincidence that only his washing was done. The only thing to do is to ask him directly when he plans on doing the 'second load'.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. He'll either do it, or huff and puff about it, or just ignore it and it'll never get done. The latter two show contempt for you, in which case you're in for a rough ride if you stay in this relationship.

LISTEN TO BroDay!!!

Don't do a rota, you aren't the project manager.

Just do your own food, your own washing. Let the big man figure it out for himself.

That's if you haven't left him already

Move out tomorrow.

either you split all bills and chores or a discussion or it’s over

I am starting to think he is just a pig... or it was punishment for not doing the washing...

It’s both and it will get worse. Leave him.

He sounds awful. Leave him and find someone better. Do you really want another sixty years of this?

(Speaking as a man, and one who almost never jumps to LTB on these threads. But there's really nothing ambiguous or redeeming here. At the absolute^^ best you could say that you and he have different views on a man and woman's role and status. That's not the foundation for a happy marriage).

Fuck all of this. I'm so glad I'm single. This won't get better, cut your losses and get out.

The relationship is doomed, once someone separates washing, ironing, marital beds the union has spite in it.

He went out of his way to separate those clothes, it took more effort than just doing yours aswell.
There is hatred in this man towards you.

Once you start doing the one upmanship of unkindness, there is no going back and he started it first.

It's right here, that big red flag waving in front of you with a two fingered salute emblazoned upon it.

Take notice and ignor at your peril.

He did it to show you that he can.
He did it to prove to you that he felt he shouldn't be doing laundry, when you could have done it, so he's not going to "help you" by doing yours when you haven't done his.
He did it to demonstrate that he is in control
He did it because you need a demonstration to know your place

Risky future ahead for you OP.

It's over.

Unless you want to constantly be the drudge.

Oh dear, this doesn't bode well. The laundry thing is rude, but it's not just that, is it? You did the cooking, asked him to do the washing up and he conveniently 'forgot'. Did he forget to eat as well? If not, who did he think was going to do the washing up? The helpful fairy who comes out at night to clean everything ready for the next day? You then ended up doing the washing up and asked him to do the one remaining pan which, instead of apologising for forgetting and just doing the small thing you asked of him, said he'd do it when he was ready. He's already putting you in your place, isn't he?

Btw, just because you're looking for work at the moment, does NOT mean you are the household servant. He should still be pulling his weight, unless you've specifically agreed otherwise (and be wary...once you start down this road, it will continue, even once you're in work, and he'll have conditioned you to think it's easier to just do it yourself).