He took all my washing out the basket and just washed his own.. feeling really annoyed after everything I do for him

[sarahkelly932]

I am really annoyed this morning. I have just moved in with my fiance and we haven't had the most smoothest road to get here but seem to be good at the moment. Anyway, the last few weeks I have been cooking dinners for him, making sure he has lunch, doing the washing etc, hoovering. The washing built up a few days ago and he took the basket away and I felt guilty but I made a joke (we are quite jokey so it was not passive aggressive) and said do my washing bitch :P - and he replied no I am going to take yours out and only do my own and we laughed. I cooked dinner asked him to clean up but he 'forgot' so I just ended up doing it - I left one frying pan for him and asked him to do it and he said he will when he wants too and sat on the sofa so the house was smelling of oil. When I woke up the next morning it was still there, so I just washed it.

Last night he had to fill the water filter up and huffs and sulks because it was sort of empty? I mean just do it stop moaning.

Anyway, I went to get the washing this morning and was folding it all up nicely and started to realise.... it was all HIS washing. He literally took all of my washing out and done his own - I don't know why but I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach - partly because I would never be so selfish to do that and put him before myself sometimes. I have given him endless support with things that I won't go into detail with - I am starting to think he is just a pig... or it was punishment for not doing the washing...

It is seriously not worth debating with him. He's a point-scoring twat.

You're only 29. Can you imagine living the whole rest of your life with this? He will NOT change, this is the best he's ever going to be.

Sorry OP, but any post that begins 'we haven't had the smoothest start but we seem to be all right at the moment' is only going to get one response from me. Rocky at the start and only OK when you are doing what he wants you to? Nope. Get out.

He does see gender roles as they once were, but at the moment because I am out of work right now...

And when you get a job do you think his attitude towards stereotypical gender roles is magically going to change? Dream on.

You've barely moved in and he's treating you like a skivvy. Move back out again as soon as you can, and don't marry this man unless you want to be a drudge for the rest of your life.

That's shitty of him. I do have a rule that if it's not in the basket I'm not washing it, aka i don't pick his stuff up from the floor, but I'd never just take my stuff out of the basket and leave his.

Don't waste time analysing some shitty man. He called you a bitch, 'punished' you and gaslights you. This is not boyfriend material.
No need to argue with him, just say you're not enjoying the relationship, it's over. Go and enjoy life.

To be fair he is working and paying all the bills. You made a rude (jokey) comment and are home all day.

I can see why he is offended.

I have been married for 40 years and my DH would never dream of behaving like that because he’s a decent man. Sadly, you’ve not found yourself a decent man. Please value yourself appropriately and walk away: he will only get worse if you get married/have kids/become a SAHM. Only give your time and love to men who are kind to you.

lol as if he is going to get any better when you go back to work

he’s a disrespectful prick

stop mugging yourself off

Just saw your other post where he smokes weed and is abusive
You get one life
Don't waste it

Get another full time job as soon as you can, then move out. Or could you move back home until you can find a job/house? This doesn't bode well for the future and I can see storms ahead where you are the one to give in every time for a quiet life. If it was only thoughtlessness I might suggest talking things through, but you say that there have been other issues.

Eww, OP he needs dumped, you should avoid dating entirely until you've done extensive work on your standards and self esteem.

And yet MNers keep saying a "DH" should do their own washing.

How wonderful that you found this out about him now. Be very on top of your contraception until you smooth this out.

Have a proper serious chat about how you see things going forward. If having children is on the cards how he sees that working out. Does he want a house wife and SAHM? Is that ok with you and is that something you would want? If you were a SAHM or remain at home to look after the house how would finances be sorted? Would he become resentful, would he give you free access?

If your two world views don't align then great, you've found out in plenty of time to go your separate ways with very little bother and what this moving in honeymoon is all about.

Edit - just seen a PP that he is abusive and smokes weed. Throw this one back OP, do some work on yourself and your self esteem before dating again. Think about the male role models in your life, did they treat the women surrounding them well and with respect? If not, you need to do some extra work into upholding boundaries too and ensuring you dnt repeat history. At 29 you are still super young so you've got plenty of time yo settle down with someone nice if that's what you want

Between this and your other post, you would be crazy to stay! If you plan on having children this will only get worse and years down the line you will be one of these people posting how you are trapped and doing everything with a lazy abusive Husband.

You are young and only just moved in, get out now before things become intertwined in any way.

As a normal, functional adult, men and women should perform chores as and when needed. This however, was OPs abusive, druggie boyfriend spitefully punishing her.🤷🏼‍♀️

Listen to your gut, don't worry about the whys.
He is showing you who he is and what to expect from him.

Run, run, run. There's no hope here, you don't want to be married to this person. You'll be miserable.

Ask him. Ask him why he separated out your laundry. Is this how he sees laundry being done in the future? Your basket his basket and each do their own? This is a painful question…does he see you “on your heels” as you are temporarily unemployed and feel he can be a bit dismissive of your requests (clean up)? So you are already seeing the difference between you…you want to clean up after dinner he wants to relax. I recognize this because this is the dynamic in my house. Op I do all the cleaning and all the laundry. DH has chores only he does. . I’m ok with this division of labor. You have to be ok with the division of labor or it will have you furious in the end. I mostly stopped cooking a chore I hate. As @Beamur said…this is the time to discuss and agree to chore division.

Hmmmm.

"we haven't had the most smoothest road to get here but seem to be good at the moment"

Err, that isn't what you are telling us is it?

The guy is a selfish arse. Please get out now while you can - and FGS don't get pregnant !

Move out now. You've been lucky and seen his true characteristics very early on. Will not change or get better.

@Lavenderandbrown I text him asking why he done that and he lied and said there was 2 sets of laundry and he just done 1 at a time and didnt start mine yet - which is a total lie - mine and his were mixed up together and only his has been done, that is not coincindeince

Who cares why?

Move back out and end this sad excuse for a relationship.

It must be an extraordinary experience to see the next 50+ years of your life mapped out so clearly, to understand your place in the pecking order, your value as an unequal partner, the way your opinion is validated and respected, to know that your contribution to the partnership carries equal weight and that the more unpleasant aspects and tasks of domestic life are acknowledged and shared out fairly.

Any thoughts on dumping the druggie trash?

@Lavenderandbrown well my new job I will be working from home - so he will expect the same things as i am 'home all day' so... not sure if that is fair or not. I think he would like a SAHM but in no means would he give me free reign of finances either..