He took all my washing out the basket and just washed his own.. feeling really annoyed after everything I do for him

[sarahkelly932]

I am really annoyed this morning. I have just moved in with my fiance and we haven't had the most smoothest road to get here but seem to be good at the moment. Anyway, the last few weeks I have been cooking dinners for him, making sure he has lunch, doing the washing etc, hoovering. The washing built up a few days ago and he took the basket away and I felt guilty but I made a joke (we are quite jokey so it was not passive aggressive) and said do my washing bitch :P - and he replied no I am going to take yours out and only do my own and we laughed. I cooked dinner asked him to clean up but he 'forgot' so I just ended up doing it - I left one frying pan for him and asked him to do it and he said he will when he wants too and sat on the sofa so the house was smelling of oil. When I woke up the next morning it was still there, so I just washed it.

Last night he had to fill the water filter up and huffs and sulks because it was sort of empty? I mean just do it stop moaning.

Anyway, I went to get the washing this morning and was folding it all up nicely and started to realise.... it was all HIS washing. He literally took all of my washing out and done his own - I don't know why but I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach - partly because I would never be so selfish to do that and put him before myself sometimes. I have given him endless support with things that I won't go into detail with - I am starting to think he is just a pig... or it was punishment for not doing the washing...

He is treating you like an unpaid cleaner and lying to you about it. That's not love. He does not love you. You really need to take that on board and make plans with that fact in mind.

I wouldn't even try to get him to own it, or understand why its wrong, nor give him a second chance.
He has shown you exactly who he is... its not acceptable not now, & not when you have a wfh job, & or children.

Do you two have kids? You’re unemployed and he’s paying for everything? Quite the drip feed imo. I would also be pissed if my washing wasn’t done if I were him.

Yikes! Why are you giving this more than a second's thought? It's over. Move out. He doesn't give a shiny shite about you. Imagine the future, you working from home full time, doing all the housework, a couple of children he might take off your hands for an hour while you cook dinner...

You've just moved in and are not married yet, nip this in the bud now or he'll just carry on taking the piss and probably get worse too! What did he do before you moved in? Cooked for himself and made his own lunch I guess? He needs to start pulling his weight and if he doesn't you need to seriously consider it you want to get married or not

If he’s not pulling his weight that’s one thing

but if you’d posted he’d “jokingly” said “do my washing bitch” you’d have half of mumsnet telling you to never touch his again and the other half telling you to dump him immediately

Have you discussed who does what

but if he’s paying for everything I I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be picking up the slack at home

a

Maya Angelou : “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Move out, do not marry him, do not even date him.

I have no issue doing things at home, which is why I am doing them. My issue is that the one chance he had to do his own laundry, he took my items out and only washed his own? whats that about @rwalker - also, he has made it clear even when I am working from home he would want me to do all the chores as his job is physical and mine is at home all day.. although he would be happy to pay im guessing 70% of the expenses.

@Mummame2222 understandable if the washing was not done - but would you remove your partners clothes if the washing hadn't been done for 2 days and only wash your own if they were trying there best?

@Italianita i did... he denied it and just said there was 2 loads of washing? when mine was there left..

Does seem like it all escalated for the jokey conversation which might not of been received in the manner intended

it does take a while to settle in but going forward i think you need clear discussion who does what now and when you return to work

the problem with doing the loins share now is it will just drift into being the default

The issue here is how he made you feel and then lied about what actually happened.

He knows he's lying. You know he's lying.

You do far more for him than he does for you.

Get the book 'Women who love too much' and get the hell out.

He doesn't love you. If you stay you are condoning his lying shitty behaviour and it WILL GET WORSE.

Don't bother asking him. Stop engaging with his behaviour and think about how you feel as a result.

He wants control and you're giving it to him.

@blitzen thanks - what do you think he is trying to say by not doing my laundry? do you agree its punishment, or more the fact a principle

@Sagarmatha control of what, upsetting me? me asking why he done it? emotionally?

Can you not see that it's pointless to analyse an abusive druggie?

This isn't going to get any better. This is who he is.

Women Who Love Too Much would be a good read for you.

Control of you.

He doesn't care how he is making you feel. No normal empathetic person would purposely do what he did.

Please get the book I recommended. It will explain.

I used to be you.

" what do you think he is trying to say by not doing my laundry?".

He's saying loud & clear that his wants & needs are his priority, You take a second place & can take it without complaint.
He could have said "I've put mine in, theres stuff I need quickly, I'll put your on afterwards."
Bot no, nothing, then gaslighting

Move back out
he can feed himself

I also noticed you called out three examples of his behaviour in your post, not just one. It's not a one off.

What was the drama you alluded to before you moved in?

Do you have a good friend you child stay with for a while? Away from him and away from the situation.

Would give you time and space to think and reconsider your options. Please don't marry this guy.

Someone else has recommended that book 🙂

But what does it matter if he did it out of principle or to punish you - both reasons would be are absolutely shitty. How dare he treat you like this? He’s showing you who he is.

Exactly what I was thinking. His attitude is not temporary while you are not working @sarahkelly932. He couldn’t be telling you any more clearly what the pecking order is going to be and he comes first. If he’s ever out of a job while you’re working he’ll still expect you to carry the load.

@ArtyWren i think it matters to me why he done because then I can see him for what he really
is. I keep making excuses like maybe he done it because of my comment but either way it’s not fair. Especially after everything I’ve been doing.