He took all my washing out the basket and just washed his own.. feeling really annoyed after everything I do for him

[sarahkelly932]

I am really annoyed this morning. I have just moved in with my fiance and we haven't had the most smoothest road to get here but seem to be good at the moment. Anyway, the last few weeks I have been cooking dinners for him, making sure he has lunch, doing the washing etc, hoovering. The washing built up a few days ago and he took the basket away and I felt guilty but I made a joke (we are quite jokey so it was not passive aggressive) and said do my washing bitch :P - and he replied no I am going to take yours out and only do my own and we laughed. I cooked dinner asked him to clean up but he 'forgot' so I just ended up doing it - I left one frying pan for him and asked him to do it and he said he will when he wants too and sat on the sofa so the house was smelling of oil. When I woke up the next morning it was still there, so I just washed it.

Last night he had to fill the water filter up and huffs and sulks because it was sort of empty? I mean just do it stop moaning.

Anyway, I went to get the washing this morning and was folding it all up nicely and started to realise.... it was all HIS washing. He literally took all of my washing out and done his own - I don't know why but I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach - partly because I would never be so selfish to do that and put him before myself sometimes. I have given him endless support with things that I won't go into detail with - I am starting to think he is just a pig... or it was punishment for not doing the washing...

What do you mean trying their best? Honestly, if I were him I would be a little pissed with all the little jobs and tasks DP was asking of me while I was supporting him financially and he was doing nothing all day. I’d probably not do his laundry either.

This is why he’s doing it: no one likes to do chores and some people will do anything to get out of them.
Ways to get out of them : find someone else to do them, do them so badly that the other person does them, take so long that the other person does them, pretend you don’t see mess, full bins, shoes in the hall, nappy needs changing etc.
Do you get it now? He’s training you to be his house monkey.

So who did all this for him before you lived together, his ex? his mum?
You need to get a grip on this or you will just end up as his skivvy
You need to sort out who does what and he needs to get off his arse and do his share

OP, this is who he is. He wont change. Very simply you have 2 choices. You either leave him or you stay and get on with doing everything. You are going in to this with your eyes wide open so you have little to complain about.

@RandomForest I think there is hatred in himself directed towards me, correct. He will never admit that though, its like being in love with someones potential. I agree once things get that petty and seperated, its almost like room mates, or fcuk buddies... I do these things because I like caring for someone, but by taking out my laundry and doing your own your reminding/telling me who you are..
He says things like he can do his own cooking/laundry/cleaning, but what is a life just doing nothing for each other, like is that what he wants :/ he would rather do his own sh1t than be a team?!

Why is she not doing anything all day, maybe she's searching for a possition, looking for work can be demoralising and depressing if you don't get instant returns, how about he supports her mental health trhrough that, he's ok he's got a good paying job with his self esteem in tact, maybe be nice to her and her confidence may increase.

And the washing would you seriously separate washing out to prove a point that your partner is a lazy, just because you were in the advantagous possition of having a job.

It's nasty.

@Mix56 thanks. and showing me who he is, is who? Do you agree that this was done on purpose to 'put me in my place' or a way to say that it should of been done already. sigh.

@Sagarmatha yep the issue is how he made me feel; which surely he knew full well how that would make me feel. He can deny it all he wants, I have to remind myself he chose to do it, my logical brain just needs a reason lol. I will get the book! Thank you! Although at this point if he did admit he done it to prove a point I would probably even have even less respect for him.. Why do you think he done it? He was in a bad mood that day...

@Mummame2222 I think you are forgetting that I didn't ask him to do anything... the washing would of been done, just a day later.... I am busy every day volunteering and prepping to start my own job; i do have a life outside of cooking and cleaning for him.

@Mix56 thanks. and showing me who he is,
is who? Do you agree that this was done on purpose to 'put me in my
place' or a way to say that it should of been done already. sigh.

His love is very conditional.
He is unable to support you.
He is selfish.

Hm.
This seems to be a standard advice for women whose partners/husbands are lazy t*ats, just do yours/your children's stuff then.
But this pettiness is really not worth pursuing re living together....

@Sagarmatha yes 3 examples, its apparent because i am at home/work from home that apparently that means everything should be done, and yes OK i get it if i have the time of course i will; but to be as petty as to remove my washing on the one chance i dont get time?... jeez

@EpicPineapple he is very passive aggressive and then if I react to the comments it looks like I AM the one with the attitude/problem..
I get the impression he thinks because he pays the bills he can trade it for a slave aka wife. I can't be bought; i value kindness and compassion more than a pound note.. it feels very conditional.. that can't be true love, surely?

This comment would ring alarm bells for me.
Why on earth would you consider giving up your financial independence to be financially hobbled by your DH?
If you're considering being a SAHP make sure it's fair financially - do not walk into this with your eyes closed hoping for the best.

@RandomForest it does feel very conditional :( - unwilling to support or unable..

Yeah, just don't try to convince yourself thinking he's a kind man capable of caring for you more than himself.

You know the score.

Do you really want to be his maid, mother and whatever else that entitled man child needs you to be for the rest of your life?

Do yourself a big favour and end that relationship.

I think it's a really good thing you're thinking about this now. You don't sound like you're being treated as you would like - and as you would treat someone.

I think you need to get back to work asap then ditch him. He is selfish and obviously sees you as his skivvy. For goodness sake do not have children with him.

Some people are not good with an imbalance of power, they take advantage, it goes to their head and some become cruel. There are often power inbalances with marriage, if someone doesn't try to lift you up whilst you are in need they are an unsafe partner, especially when they are flying high.

As Bette Midler sang, 'you are the wind beneath my wings'

Support should flow both ways, as should respect.

I’m a SAHM and no way would be partner ever do this. This is such a common issue in most of my friend’s long term relationships and all of them are on the rocks.

My partner recently switched to nights to he can take the kids to school while I’m quite ill. He jumps in with his catch-up plan for the washing on his days off. Basically mine started as he meant to go on and so will yours.

there are plenty of men who ‘pay the bills’ and cherish their other halves, give them full financial transparency, are kind, generous, appreciate domestic labour and do shit around the house even though they are the only earner

you really need to detach from your current financial set up as an explanation for his behaviour. It’s not a justification for how he is- he is selfish, disrespectful and a shit partner.

not working is not a reason for a man to treat you like dirt. And as someone who is more or less economically inactive right now- it certainly hasn’t been my experience!

Does he need looking after?

Your his girlfriend/partner, why are you doing everything, if you do everything, he will expect you to do it all the time.
Start doing your own washing and leaving his.
Have you asked him if he purposefully just did his own washing, if he did, just do your own.

He might not have any reason for doing it, like putting you in your place or whatever. He might just be totally selfish and self absorbed so that's why he only did his own washing.

I can imagine my husband doing something like this and when I ask him why he's only done his own clothes, he would just look at me blankly or confused, not understanding why I would expect him to do my clothes too. It is very tiring and depressing being married to someone selfish and having to point out things constantly, like when he gets a knife and fork out of the drawer to eat the dinner I have made, he could also get me a knife and fork out instead of just for himself. He could ask me if I want a cup of tea instead of just making one for himself etc etc etc. It could be plain old selfishness that is afflicting your other half. Whatever the reason for his behaviour, he sounds like hard work and I agree with the others - you are young, throw this one back.

When you marry you need to choose the man who is genuinely lovely. Never marry the man who is treating you like shit but you feel sure ,with the love of the right person( in your fantasy this is obviously you), will be that lovely man. I'm 59 this year.I learned this the hard way.Save yourself the lesson ,get a job and leave.